Abuse in the community

Abuse in the community (Full Version)

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xoxogirl -> Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:14:33 PM)
I have found there is a lot of abuse happening in the BDSM community. I've experienced it personally, seen it with lots of my friends, and heard countless stories. I would like for everyone in the lifestyle to stop, take a moment and think about weather there relationship is abusive or not. Then think about if some of there friends relationships are abusive or not. Helping a friend is sometimes the most noble thing you can do. The way I see it (and believe me, I love to be kinky) there is a difference between an ass slap during sex or bondage, compared to being so bloody you can't walk out of the house the next day (that's happened to me!). When you have to cover up marks someone has left on you, there is a problem. I would really like to put an end to this abuse. To all my subs: Submission is the greatest gift you can ever give someone, so don't give it up lightly! Contact me if you need anything on here or Fet Life (DaddysOnly on Fet Life) I have groups on there I would love for people to join. If there is anything I can do to help anyone I will or even if you would like to share a story or want to hear mine, I'll be more than willing to share or listen. Thanks! Love y'all!

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:22:03 PM)
I'm sorry you've experienced abusive relationships. However, I don't see a large amount of abuse in the BDSM scene. At least, no more than anywhere else. In fact, I would say that the majority of regular posters on CM are in happy, healthy relationships. So maybe it's just you and your inability to form healthy relationships, in general, that is the issue. If you're really concerned about and want to end abuse/domestic violence, I strongly suggest you volunteer at a battered women's shelter or hotline. Also, advertising for your FetLife group here is gauche. Not cool at all.

myotherself -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:23:21 PM)
I often have to dress carefully to cover up welts or bruises that last for days, if not weeks. This is not abuse - this is consensual S&M play. How would you discriminate between abusive relationships and loving relationships that involve beatings and bloodshed?

Kaliko -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:24:29 PM)
I believe your intent is noble... I guess. However, there are some who do actually like the marks left on their body.

littlewonder -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:32:18 PM)
Kana wonders: Whats so bad about a little, I mean a lot, I mean massive heinous amounts, of abuse?

MsClaudiaG -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:37:16 PM)
I too am truly sad too hear this and it is not something that is typical of a BDSM relationship. In my own experience a sub Dom relationship contains a great deal of trust and respect from both parties. I show a great deal of tenderness as well as pain to a sub. For me and anyone else I know it is not taken past the subs limits, anyone i know involved in bdsm and who is experienced would know not to take it this far if this truly isn't what the sub wants. It's important to add that some want what you are describing and it's consensual others don't, you can tell if someone is enjoying something or not by their face/body language and sometimes other things! particularly in a loving relationship where you should know your partners, wants, needs and desires well...in this type of a relationship a safe word shouldn't even be needed . There is a difference between abuse and a trusting, consensual bdsm relationship, what you are describing if non consensual may i add as it is sounding from your post, sounds like just pure abuse and I am sad to see that associated with a subdominant relationship because that's not what I know a true bdsm relationship to be.

Aynne88 -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:43:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Kana wonders: Whats so bad about a little, I mean a lot, I mean massive heinous amounts, of abuse? lol...I agree with Kana. Seriously OP, we don't need these kind of warnings, some of us like to have to cover up marks or to cause them.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:48:14 PM)
Iffin you always end up feeling abused, perhaps just maybe that is really what you want? Seriously, take rape and the proverbial "she was asking for it" response. After 1 rape, I do not suspect there is anything wrong. After continuous rapage of self and all your friends, the readers gotta' stop and wonder if perhaps just maybe there is something wrong with you guys and your "noble" "mission to help other women with abuse" and save each other. Just sayin' . . . you're a whack job.

JeffBC -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:49:44 PM)
I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with "noble purpose" and flawed execution. I have three problems here: (a) I don't really care what you think is abusive. I'm honestly more interested in what either Carol or the law might say is abusive. Your arbitrary and personal distinctions are meaningless to me. But I'll tell you what. If you'd like I can give you Carol's email address and I'll make you the same offer as I do everyone. If you can convince Carol that she is abused I will agree. If you want to give it a go, drop me a private message and I'll respond and warn Carol of the incoming message. I should warn you right up front that you'll be facing a hopeless task that's likely to have her laughing at you hysterically and annoyed with me for offering to waste her time. (b) You are setting yourself up as a "protector" which I directly interpret as "victim creator". So while you may see yourself as being part of the solution I see you as being part of the problem. (c) While I've seen lots of high-school behavior, juvenile politics, and a slew of other things in "the community" what I have not personally seen is a lot of abuse. Do you have any actual statistics or studies (you know, real data) that would support a claim of more abuse in the BDSM community than in the larger society? The bottom line is that I get called abusive almost daily on these boards and I'm not particularly concerned by it. Neither is Carol. We generally laugh a lot at how awful I am.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 3:53:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC . . . You are setting yourself up as a "protector" which I directly interpret as "victim creator". So while you may see yourself as being part of the solution I see you as being part of the problem... LOL, if the OP tried to protect my slave from my brutal abuse, my slave would kick her ass for cock blocking. ETA: OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other.

JeffBC -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:12:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other. Actually, as I read the thread not a single poster got on board the "save the subs" bandwagon. I read concern about her personal situation and a defense of our boundaries.

myotherself -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:12:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other. Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse' [8D]

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:15:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other. Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse' [8D] Oh, if this is true, then I'm guilty of abusing my girlfriend almost daily! [8D]

TheLilSquaw -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:19:43 PM)
What is abuse? What is safe? What is sane? What is healthy? To every individual those words hold various definitions. Yes there is the LEGAL and websters definitions. Yes there is a shrinks definition of these terms. I choose to define those terms for myself. I choose to get involved with people who have similar if not the same definitions of those terms as myself. I don't need YOU (the OP) to try and save me. I don't need someone coming in and playing captain safe a hoe.

MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:24:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xoxogirl I have found there is a lot of abuse happening in the BDSM community. I've experienced it personally, seen it with lots of my friends, and heard countless stories. I would like for everyone in the lifestyle to stop, take a moment and think about weather there relationship is abusive or not. Then think about if some of there friends relationships are abusive or not. Helping a friend is sometimes the most noble thing you can do. The way I see it (and believe me, I love to be kinky) there is a difference between an ass slap during sex or bondage, compared to being so bloody you can't walk out of the house the next day (that's happened to me!). When you have to cover up marks someone has left on you, there is a problem. I would really like to put an end to this abuse. To all my subs: Submission is the greatest gift you can ever give someone, so don't give it up lightly! Contact me if you need anything on here or Fet Life (DaddysOnly on Fet Life) I have groups on there I would love for people to join. If there is anything I can do to help anyone I will or even if you would like to share a story or want to hear mine, I'll be more than willing to share or listen. Thanks! Love y'all! I too have run into those who have been abused in so-called "BDSM" relationships (and managed to rescue some). The thing for everyone involved to remember is, ALL PLAY SHOULD BE SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL....anything else IS actual abuse. There ARE people who will use the title "Dominant" to inflict extreme abuse on others, I know because I've had actual conversations with these assholes who tell Me, "I love it when they scream out their safeword and I just keep hitting." And I in turn love humiliating them in front of witnesses by calling them out for the ignorant criminals that they are. The thing to differentiate is that some people ENJOY wearing their marks, CONSENT to receiving them, and wear them with PRIDE. To other people it's just too far...and your "Dominant" should know your limits and stop before that point, after all, you have given them your TRUST, which means they are responsible for your SAFETY. So, remember your safewords, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE to let them know what you do/don't consent to...and make sure you choose a partner who RESPECTS not only your safe words but also your HARD LIMITS. If they don't respect these, WALK. THE. EFF. AWAY. --MM

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:26:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse' [8D] God if this is the case, someone should come abuse me more often because I absolutely love being tickled!!! [:)]

angelikaJ -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:28:13 PM)
I love marks my Master places on me. So, I think you (the OP), need to back up and realise that marks (or blood) do not necessarily signify abuse. I am wondering if some of the new-to-the-scene submissive-types find themselves in the scene due to reading popular fiction of the dark Romantic type. For some people, the reality of being whipped or even spanked is vastly different from what one imagines. I am not trying to turn this into a 50 Shades post. I am trying to make a comment that as a submissive, it is your job to take care of yourself until you decide that someone is worthy of transferring power over to. That is what a power exchange relationship involves, and until you choose to transfer that power, you are your own person. If things are then negotiated to your satisfaction and a set boundary is crossed, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and act on the crossed boundary. If you are expecting the Dom/Top to just know... you are making a mistake. If you are expecting some sort of magical wisdom, in the Dom/Top to discern what you want or what your boundaries are, then you are making a huge mistake. Expectations need to be clear. Communication needs to be clear. I am not trying to diminish the horrible experience of being in an abusive situation. It is my hope that the OP can perhaps be reminded that making hasty and unwise decisions often have unwanted outcomes and there are good reasons why jumping into things and/or making a commitment to someone you do not know very well is often a very bad idea. Protect yourself by taking your time to really know *what it is you are seeking* and the person you are then trusting to provide it.

TheLilSquaw -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:34:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse' [8D] God if this is the case, someone should come abuse me more often because I absolutely love being tickled!!! [:)] Me too! It is one of those things I love and hate. It is a sweet torment though!

MsClaudiaG -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:36:23 PM)
I have to totally agree with this post. Although some like to be beaten black and blue, others don't. Being sub doesn't automatically give someone the right to take things this far if its not wanted by the sub. A sub will give total trust to a Dom, partivularly if they think they are in a loving relationship, a trust not to take things too far. There are some people, as there are in any other types of relationship who will take advantage of this. A new and uneducated sub may be particularly vulnerable to this because they don't know what's right and wrong, they just want to please. This kind of forum should help someone like this know that a true bdsm relationship is not abusive because its based on mutual enjoyment.

poise -> RE: Abuse in the community (12/29/2012 4:43:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ It is my hope that the OP can perhaps be reminded that making hasty and unwise decisions often have unwanted outcomes and there are good reasons why jumping into things and/or making a commitment to someone you do not know very well is often a very bad idea. Protect yourself by taking your time to really know what it is you are seeking and the person you are then trusting to provide it. Amen.

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