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RE: Abuse in the community - 1/1/2013 12:31:31 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
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OP, I'm sorry your first experiences with BDSM was so unpleasant. I hope that you are able to work through and past the negatives and find healing.

Personally, I haven't seen a lot of abuse in the community, though I have seen a lot of player's remorse, where the top and bottom were doing exactly what was negotiated - but the bottom suffered emotional issues afterwards, no blame or fault of the Top.

I've seen marriages break up and the 'slave' cry abuse in court and bring up M/s aspects of the relationship in an attempt to leverage power in divorce proceedings.

I've seen good hearted and respectable dominants maligned by submsissives who were happy in the relationship but pissed off in the break-up.

I've seen manipulative bottoms/slaves/submissives play the victim card and rally the community to her rescue - usually maneuvering herself into a new household only to pull the same tactic on her 'rescuer.'

I say the above, because there are so many different horror stories that might be told around the BDSM campfire, but when the actual story is told there was more to the situation than was shared.

Like Entrypos stated, there are abusive predators hiding under the BDSM umbrella. Definitely. I've seen them, and have personally been involved in an organization that helped in just such a situation (Immediate Family for anyone who might recall it.) I wish the organization had been managed better, and was still around.

I'm not a fan of the save-a-sub victim mentality, as I've seen it horribly abused and good people irreparably maligned because of angsty submissives. Honestly, I'm more inclined to feel that dominants need more protection than the submisssives. That is hard for me to say because I am a HUGE advocate against domestic violence and know first hand just how devestating the cycle of abuse can be.

I'm tired and feel as if I'm not making as much sense as I'd like and not expressing my experience and thoughts effectively. I think I'll go to bed and try to clarify later.

Please do not be offended or hurt by my post, it was not intended as an attack on you and your intentions.

(in reply to poise)

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Post #: 81

RE: Abuse in the community - 1/1/2013 12:53:43 AM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Personally, I haven't seen a lot of abuse in the community, though I have seen a lot of player's remorse, where the top and bottom were doing exactly what was negotiated - but the bottom suffered emotional issues afterwards, no blame or fault of the Top.
[...]
Honestly, I'm more inclined to feel that dominants need more protection than the submisssives.

Under the new laws up here, when player's remorse occurs, that will legally be defined as rape, so long as the bottom is female.

So, yeah, I'm inclined to agree with dom/mes having more need of protection than sub/bes.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

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Post #: 82

RE: Abuse in the community - 1/1/2013 12:54:26 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxogirl

Any time someone is hitting another person in a way they don't enjoy it is abuse.

Could you help me with this. So, one of my ex playmates (we're still awesome friends, and still play once in a while - she's just 3000 miles away from me) really really hates being caned. She hates it.

There are very few things she hates more.

But when I caned her, she got wet, she squirmed and then she begged me for more.

Afterwards, we had a bath and a chill.

Her bruises lasted for a week.

Was that abuse?

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to xoxogirl)

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Post #: 83

RE: Abuse in the community - 1/1/2013 1:18:41 AM

metamorfosis

Posts: 1132
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxogirl
I would really like to put an end to this abuse.

I checked out your profile and the group you started on Fet. This would be my advice: if you just need to talk, swap stories, that's fine. But don't try to "save" anybody. You're not in a position to be giving advice. Just heal yourself. That's the best you can do to "put an end to abuse" in the BDSM community. Point is: I don't think your fighting an external enemy.

Good luck,
Pam

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Pam (aka gungadin09)

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(in reply to xoxogirl)

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Post #: 84

RE: Abuse in the community - 1/1/2013 3:27:43 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxogirl

Any time someone is hitting another person in a way they don't enjoy it is abuse.

Could you help me with this. So, one of my ex playmates (we're still awesome friends, and still play once in a while - she's just 3000 miles away from me) really really hates being caned. She hates it.

There are very few things she hates more.

But when I caned her, she got wet, she squirmed and then she begged me for more.

Afterwards, we had a bath and a chill.

Her bruises lasted for a week.

Was that abuse?

I'm not sure, but I'm free Thursday. Just sayin'

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Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to crazyml)

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Post #: 85