Pyramus
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Blankpain
Was she abused as a child?
Both of us were sexually abused as children to varying extents (which is all I want to say about that). But as far as I know, having been the childhood victim of abuse isn't the reason for the lack of sex drive, as we've discussed that one topic at length. In fact, it's how we first met.
quote:
ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Have an open relationship, as long as she's not telling you that when in reality she means she just doesn't want to know about it.
She is the one who 'offered' the open relationship. She said she has no interest in seeing anyone but she 'understood' mine.
We agreed to keep any relationships from friends and family and certainly from the kids (who are old enough to figure things out).
In actuality, I found out six months later she never thought I'd go through with it - as when she found out - we discussed divorce - but we both decided against it. She was confused. But it didn't change anything. And we still talk about it. I just don't have anyone current - but it will come up again during the year at some point.
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I don't masturbate. Does nothing at all for me. It's like trying to tickle yourself...it's just not possible.
Wow. I don't claim to be a world famous psychologist ... but I thought everybody (but she) masturbates. Just goes to show you what I (don't) know!
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no real erotic fantasies. I get off on whatever Master gets off on
Double Wow! I thought everyone had erotic fantasies. I have them about ten times a minute. Day in and day out. And even if I'm judiciously working on a previously unsolved scientific problem, deep in thought and calculations, a single glance at a naked thigh walking by or a revealing dress cut or even a whiff of scenty perfume will smash my thought process like a double-pane window being dropped from the first floor balcony.
You are, apparently, (much/somewhat/just) like she!
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sex ...brings a couple closer together
Alas. For us, it doesn't. She signed a 'contract' a while back, that if I bought her a bigger house, we'd have sex at least once a week. That lasted just about a week after we closed on the house. We were making deals and marking the calendar for years actually - until I finally realized the deals were all stalling tactics and even she didn't understand herself. That was the biggest revelation of all - as she just had never ever thought about it (she was a virgin until her first marriage in her very late twenties).
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It helps to bond two people together.
I get all attached when I have make love to someone - so I do know what you mean. That's why I married her in the first place. It was my Christian family duty since I was living with her at the time.
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As for the kids...how old are they?
Middle school & college bound. The college-bound kid thinks her mom is weird, but I think all teens get to that point at about that time. The autistic younger one still sleeps with his mom and he loves the attention he gets. He doesn't know any better. The older one slept with her mom until just about middle school finished and then one day realized 'all the other kids don't sleep with their mom', and she moved into her room (which was always there).
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Many men who come here and ask the question you did, don't normally have marriages where the wife knows and HAPPILY will have an open relationship.
I'd characterize her as not happy, per se, but resigned to the fact that I need something she has absolutely no intention to provide.
I wish I didn't need it. It's almost like wanting to rob a bank to have money - I need companionship that badly. You don't want to want something from someone else that badly. But it's the one thing you can't provide for yourself. I have everything else that I need. Nothing do I lack. Yet, I can't provide myself companionship. At this very moment, I'm in my bedroom. Lovely view. City lights. Stellar night. Staring at the bright moon over the balcony and shivering by the cold fireplace by my bed. So I'm on the computer. At 1:30 am. In bed. Such is what it is.
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Most usually say their wife either doesn't know or is not happy with the marriage.
Trust me. I know men. I've been on business trips galore. And I've had my "affairs" with women who are having affairs. Generally something is already far gone by the time the affairs start. This is no different. It's the measure of last resort. I once read a book that asked "how do you know your husband is cheating on you" and the answer was that if you haven't made love in the last month, then there is a 100% chance he's cheating. If you haven't made love in 2 weeks, there was a 50% chance. Likewise for the one week there only being a 25% chance. I'm sure that mileage varies, but, for me, a week is a very long time. Of course, 'my' sex is only in my fantasies at this time - but it doesn't go a day not taken care of, that's for sure. It's just that it's not the same thing as a 'real' relationship. It's just a façade.
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Don't torment her by you staying and being unhappy which only only will bring both the her and the children down as well.
Oh, now I understand what you meant. Well, it's weird but we're fine otherwise. We don't argue over things. We don't fight any more than anyone else does. We agree on the kids (who are the most precious on the planet to us). We actually enjoy each others' company. In fact, she is always the one people talk about at neighborhood parties as she is both lovely and personable. All the husbands come up to her and kiss her. I always joke that they call me "her husband" (using her name of course). I'm used to being the center of attention at work, and, well, at a local party, she's the one everyone seeks. She's a wonderful person. She is just not interested in anything whatsoever remotely sexual. Period.
So, the odd thing is that we're not unhappy together. And we're well off. I work out of the home office which is connected to my bedroom. So, pretty much, I'm alone most of the day except when playing with the kids. I'm just lonely, mostly in the (every) evening (like right about now, for example). At night, I kiss the kids goodnight, and then I head up to the large master bedroom with half the drawers empty and an entire half the bathroom with an empty sink & more empty drawers. Walk in closet is nearly empty. I don't think about that part anymore except when we have guests over like we did this week. They notice this right away - I've long forgotten about it unless they bring it up. They see that everyone has their own bedroom, yet one kid still sleeps with his mom and that the mom and dad bedrooms are separated by a floor in between so that they're not even within hearing distance from each other. At night, everyone goes their separate ways.
It's just lonely. That's all.
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New Years Resolution: Divorce the vanilla wife, or what? - 
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