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Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive?


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Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:03:58 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		On this and other message boards I have seen exchanges which go something like this:

A: My dom cheated on me/has three other partners who don't know about each other/got sent to prison/treated me badly
B: He is not a dom, he is an asshole and a cheater/felon/abuser

This always strikes me as odd. Now granted, he might not be the kind of dom anyone should submit to, or a 'worthy' dom, and depending on your definition he might not meet the criteria for 'Master'. But does that mean he isn't a dom? People don't say 'he's not a husband' or 'she's not a fiancee' when people do bad things. I think that 'dom' can describe an orientation or a person's role in their relationship, and if they and their partner identify them as a dom, they are one, even if they are also a tosser. I wonder if we are seeing a bit of the 'no true Scotsman' fallacy here - it is natural to want to distance what we enjoy and value from scummy behaviour, especially since some people have misconceptions about the morality of people who practice BDSM.

So in your mind, according to your own personal definition, are 'dom' and 'asshole' mutually exclusive?

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:19:29 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline 		Nope, I don't think so.
My ex for example.
He is a dominant man.
He is also a liar and a cheater.

The later doesn't change the fact that he is a dominant man.
That is like saying someone can't be dominant and over weight IMO.





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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:26:26 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
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Status: offline 		No.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:35:32 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

This always strikes me as odd. Now granted, he might not be the kind of dom anyone should submit to, or a 'worthy' dom, and depending on your definition he might not meet the criteria for 'Master'. But does that mean he isn't a dom?


It could mean he isn't a dom. There's a difference between dominant and domineering. Someone who is domineering is not dominant. Someone who bullies or manipulates to hide insecurity is not dominant, he is domineering.

So, I think it comes down to the why of the situation, not the what of the situation.


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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:41:35 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		This does not answer your posed question exactly but I think some of this is attributable to the Instant collar (just add sub) 'phenomenom' that we see posted about so frequently here.

To quote myself:
quote:



Most of the veteran posters are familiar with the following type of post:
sub meets perfect Dom (or Dom meets perfect sub) and everything is so wonderful, even the earth shifts on it's axis... but often a few weeks or months later, when the next chapter is finally written the Dom or sub are suddenly revealed to either have had some dreadful secret or are simply just flawed human beings.



It seems to me that too often in the desire for belonging-ness, either to own or be owned, people skip over the essential getting to know each other and then incompatibilities raise their very unhappy heads.

Instead of people accepting that they aren't a match and moving on (and perhaps accept the responsibility of their poor choice), they blame the other person and vilify him/her.
Instant collar often = instant asshole, fake or bitch a short while later.

(I am not speaking of long-term, stable relationships but the ones where people find the One after 2 emails, and things implode a couple of weeks later.)

The other thing that often occurs is people who confuse dominant with domineering, and the latter type is often afflicted with asshattery.

But no, I think there are probably assholes everywhere.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:57:01 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I think you're talking about different facets to one individual's nature. Which is ok.... But when you start connecting one to the other (dom = arsehole or cheater etc) to imply a common behavioural pattern, then people are inclined to get their backs up.

That said, in this age of the Internet I think the BDSM lifestyle itself, including CM membership, is a natural vehicle to validate cheating under the auspices of simply calling themself a "dom". It's the first thing that comes to my mind when I see a profile or thread where some fem/sub has been sent out to find a "sister" sub. Cos it's for her benefit rather than his, to further aid her submission blah blah.... Works even better if said fem/sub is all new and naive.

Or he goes the other way and just cheats without her knowledge. If/when she wises up, he blows it off as being something that's inherant in all doms cos now dom = alpha male and one female can't satisfy etc - while the fem/sub likely hasn't met other doms.

The one thing I haven't figured yet is how is it these arsehole type cheating doms always seem to find the "new meat" first. I can only guess that if that's what you're motivated to seek, it gives you an edge?

Focus.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 12:57:13 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		My first real bdsm relationship was with a woman new to this. She looked into it after complaining to her,friend that she seemed to be attracted to assholes...her friend replied "if you love assholes you need to get into the kink scene"

I think asshole and dominant are more often synonyms.


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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 1:32:50 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Generally, the deal is that a TRUE dominant is someone who sees things the same way you do. So we use the word "domineering" to mean "fake dominant" because the word "fake" is out of fashion. By the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of "domineering" I qualify in spades... as do pretty much all of the dominants I respect... including (within limits) the "arrogant" part.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 2:43:46 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

So in your mind, according to your own personal definition, are 'dom' and 'asshole' mutually exclusive?


Bastard sounds a lot like Master, an observation made by someone else a while back.

IWYW,
— Aswad.


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From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 3:08:38 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I always have trouble with the term Dom as used here...I have had a number of dominants in my life but most were not sexual partners. My family is heavily "dominant" personality. My sister, dad, brother-in-law...are all what I consider to be true dominants. They are people who are comfortable being the leader, making decisions for a group & being responsible for the outcome whether good or bad. They don't seek the "top" position but the "aura" they give off makes people WANT to follow them. They believe that the strong should prevail but that the weaker must be protected. To me, the most telling attributes are the ability to go their own way, never waffling, never griping if it goes wrong but just adapting...other people automatically defer authority to them, not because they DO or SAY anything but because others just seem to naturally want to fall into line.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 3:48:36 PM   
TwistedMtnMedic


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/8/2013
Status: offline 		I don't believe that the two words are mutually exclusive, but I also think that a mature Dominant has grown to respect and appreciate the gift his submissive or slave has given to him (or her). So while they are not mutually exclusive, not all Doms are assholes either. Some, even the sadists in the crowd like me, respect their subs gift of submission and in turn treat them (the sub) in the manner they expect and want to be treated. To the outside world and the less experienced, they probably think all Doms are assholes, but remember some kinksters on here want to be called names, used and abused so to speak. So given the community we are in, it all goes back to context.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 3:51:05 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Not mutually exclusive at all.

A dominant can be a TON of things people claim that "are a dominant!" for: arrogant, domineering, lying, assholish, insecure, totally disorganized, emotionally unavailable, doing actions they are unskilled/unsafe for, and so on.

Ditto with "Masters".

Being in charge of someone else or recognized by a community as a certain role doesn't stop the fact that they can be a total jackoff or incompetent in some or many ways.

Edited to add:

As some have also touched on, all those things above can be highly subjective, so...

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 1/8/2013 3:53:09 PM >

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:00:06 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

So in your mind, according to your own personal definition, are 'dom' and 'asshole' mutually exclusive?



I believe that "Dominant" means a man in charge of himself, before all else. If he is doing things to deliberately cause pain to others in his world (you know...by being all asshole-like) then yes, they are mutually exclusive. If one is acting like an asshole, he's not dominant. He's not in control of himself. (On a regular basis, I mean. Everybody has their moments....)

However...

...there are as many definitions of "asshole" as there are of "Dominant." So while I could certainly distinguish, according to my own guidelines, I can't imagine I would ever heed the advice of someone else telling me someone is an asshole. Our set of parameters may be very, very different.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:02:55 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I thought they were interchangeable, frankly.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:04:43 PM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline 		Being dominant is a wonderful excuse to being a prick.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:32:40 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		i think there are just arseholes no matter what other title they give themselves. some just seem to think that if they lable themselves as dom it gives them free reign to be a bit of a cunt. seeing some of the usernames around i wonder how they expect anyone to take them seriously. it seems to me that some guys (and i should think some women too as it's not male exclusive) think that being 'into' bdsm gives them the right to have as many women as they want. lable yourself a dom/master and then you don't have to explain it to the woman who thought she had your sole attention.

a good guy is a good guy, and some happen to be doms.

needles

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:40:25 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		As in all things, one can be an asshole and be a doctor, lawyer, CEO, grave digger, criminal, father, DOM or anything else for that matter.

Why would someone's predilictions towards being dominant relieve them of being an asshole? There are good and bad of every type.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 5:59:56 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

some just seem to think that if they lable themselves as dom it gives them free reign to be a bit of a cunt.


Yup, some people just use it as an excuse to behave badly and think that they cannot be called on that bad behavior.


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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 6:06:52 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I think anyone an be an asshole, if they choose to act that way.

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 7:55:06 PM   
bayareacouple


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/4/2011
Status: offline 		Way back when, in high school, it seemed odd to me to hear from her, after the breakup, "oh he was a jerk", yet, from him "it didn't work out".
Then, in college, after the breakup, she would say, "oh, he was a jerk", while he, would explain, "it didn't work out".
Now, he's a Dom. She's the sub. Yet, they're still saying the same thing.

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