RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive?

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RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 10:49:31 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I believe that "Dominant" means a man in charge of himself, before all else. If he is doing things to deliberately cause pain to others in his world (you know...by being all asshole-like) then yes, they are mutually exclusive. If one is acting like an asshole, he's not dominant. He's not in control of himself. (On a regular basis, I mean. Everybody has their moments....)

This is the other side of the story I was expecting to hear.

Just to play devil's advocate - if someone that you knew as a dom began to have a shift of attitude or suddenly do something which you considered made him an asshole, would that make you change your opinion on whether they were ever a dom to start with?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 21

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 10:58:11 PM

TAFKAA

Posts: 382
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No, they're not mutually exclusive.

A dominant is someone with the capacity to exert their will over others. An asshole is someone whose behaviour violates an ethical standard. It is possible to exert your will yet be completely amoral.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 22

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 11:06:38 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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To me? No. It means they were incompatible and a cheater. Abuser....I can't say without further information from both parties. Cheating is not abuse. It's cheating.

But an asshole? Dunno. I personally don't use that term except normally for those people I know in real life who majorly piss me off and those are few and far between. Personally when I see others on here calling others an asshole in the situation you described, I always wonder if they know the person in real life. We're only getting one side of the story. I think people get caught up in their own past relationship issues and identify with the poster that their asshole becomes the poster's asshole. They have not healed yet from their own issues.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/8/2013 11:09:15 PM >

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Post #: 23

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 11:07:50 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Why would someone's predilictions towards being dominant relieve them of being an asshole? There are good and bad of every type.

I agree that they don't. I have however come across people who believe the reverse - that their tendencies towards being an asshole relieve them of being a dominant.

I know that there are some people who decide to label themselves as a dom because they feel that will give them an excuse to express their assholish behaviour without consequences (the natural consequence of being an asshole is being alone). I suppose to tend to think of those people as a minority, and believe that most people who claim to be dominant really do lean that way. It's just that some of that population will also be unpleasant people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedMtnMedic

I don't believe that the two words are mutually exclusive, but I also think that a mature Dominant has grown to respect and appreciate the gift his submissive or slave has given to him (or her). So while they are not mutually exclusive, not all Doms are assholes either. Some, even the sadists in the crowd like me, respect their subs gift of submission and in turn treat them (the sub) in the manner they expect and want to be treated. To the outside world and the less experienced, they probably think all Doms are assholes, but remember some kinksters on here want to be called names, used and abused so to speak. So given the community we are in, it all goes back to context.

No and if I thought ALL doms were assholes, I wouldn't be here! I think a minority behave badly, as do the minority of subs, switches, kinksters, swingers and vanillas.

But you did touch on one of my points - to the outside world, many aspects of a D/s relationship or BDSM play can look pretty alarming or mean. So does that make people more likely to use the 'not a dom' line to distance themselves from actual bad behaviour?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 24

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/8/2013 11:13:44 PM

Whiplashsmile4

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It's just a matter of a natural fusion of things... Sure some Dom's are assholes. Yes, some are bigger than assholes than others. There are even submissives which are assholes in many various degrees. The same could be said about nicer and kinder sides of people. It's a mix of good and bad in many various degrees. Some of this madness to behavior is practical and some of it is not.

It takes all kinds of different people to make the world the interesting place which it truly is...

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(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 25

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 12:16:43 AM

theRose4U

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FR

I think asshole or asshat are universal terms that can be used for anyone.
Dom however isn't a magic eraser like bless your heart.

While "I'm an asshole" might explain a Dom's kink
"I'm a Dom" shouldn't excuse abuse, ass hattery or just being a whole ass

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(in reply to bayareacouple)

Post #: 26

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 1:40:27 AM

TAFKAA

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I can only be amused by the gender specificity of this entire discussion.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 27

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 2:31:57 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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FR.

No, I don't think they're mutually exclusive.

I don't think, though, that the "No he's not a dom, he's an asshole" comments (which I'm pretty sure I've made in the past) are always meant to imply that. It's primarily a turn of phrase that's code for "No he's not a decent dom, he's an asshole".

But there have been occasions where (in my very flawed and subjective opinion) that the "dominant behaviour" exhibited by a person doesn't strike me as "Dominant" at all - sometimes it's almost as if the self-styled "dominant man" is actually acting out some deep seated fear of women. And in that case - Nope, he's not a dominant by my ( very flawed and subjective) definition.

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Post #: 28

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:05:18 AM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I believe that "Dominant" means a man in charge of himself, before all else. If he is doing things to deliberately cause pain to others in his world (you know...by being all asshole-like) then yes, they are mutually exclusive. If one is acting like an asshole, he's not dominant. He's not in control of himself. (On a regular basis, I mean. Everybody has their moments....)

This is the other side of the story I was expecting to hear.

Just to play devil's advocate - if someone that you knew as a dom began to have a shift of attitude or suddenly do something which you considered made him an asshole, would that make you change your opinion on whether they were ever a dom to start with?

Well, that's a hard question to answer without oodles of more information. But is it possible for me to look at someone and think to myself "Huh....I can't believe I ever thought this guy was a Dominant?" Sure.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 29

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:08:48 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TAFKAA

I can only be amused by the gender specificity of this entire discussion.

Why? I believe people have already stated that both genders, Dominant or submissive, can be assholes, or not.

(in reply to TAFKAA)

Post #: 30

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:15:42 AM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: TAFKAA

I can only be amused by the gender specificity of this entire discussion.

Why? I believe people have already stated that both genders, Dominant or submissive, can be assholes, or not.

Actually, I have to admit...when I think "asshole" I think of a man. I consider that to be a term applied to men, just as "bitch" is to a woman. Maybe incorrect, but there it is. So I didn't even think of referencing a woman as the Dominant would-be asshole.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 31

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:25:30 AM

sexyred1

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I disagree. I think the words asshole and bitch can apply to both men and women.

As in all semantics, it somewhat subjective.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 32

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:45:23 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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I can only speak for myself.

I will always have a dominant personality. Some people have said I am an ass/asshole/bitch/whatever.

I am only a leader to those to agree to follow.

I know assholes (whatever the chosen word or phrase) that are not dominant in any way. I've even known great leaders, that are not particularly dominant. I've know great leaders that have been, at times, assholes.

Personally, I think it's more in the eye of the beholder than the individual.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 33

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 10:59:14 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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fast reply

I had no intention of making this about one gender or another, but my experience is entirely with male dom/fem sub, so I'm not surprised if I unintentionally put that across in my post. That said, I feel that most if not all of the replies could be applied to males and females.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 34

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 11:10:20 AM

toxic66

Posts: 47
Joined: 5/14/2004
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All Doms (and Dommes) have assholes... so no they are not mutually exclusive.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 35

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 11:11:57 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: toxic66

All Doms (and Dommes) have assholes... so no they are not mutually exclusive.

Can someone still be said to have an asshole if they use a colostomy?

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Post #: 36

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 11:13:16 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: toxic66

All Doms (and Dommes) have assholes... so no they are not mutually exclusive.

Can someone still be said to have an asshole if they use a colostomy?

Not a weal and twue asshole..........but they ARE an asshole if they burp said colostomy bag around others!!!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 37

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 11:53:21 AM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: toxic66

All Doms (and Dommes) have assholes... so no they are not mutually exclusive.

Can someone still be said to have an asshole if they use a colostomy?

That actually makes them a giant festering asshole...as anyone within nose range of a bag change will attest

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 38

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 4:33:12 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

If one is acting like an asshole, he's not dominant. He's not in control of himself. (On a regular basis, I mean. Everybody has their moments....)

I respecfully disagree with this statement. I see what you're saying but I think there are people who are VERY in control of themselves but whose behavior is not what I would consider good. I guess I think of people like some politicians/CEO's/etc. They may be alpha of their pack, have lots of power and control and be very deliberate about their "assholish" behavior. There are some major assholes out there who are very much in deliberate control of their choice of behaviors.........luci

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(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 39

RE: Are 'Dom' and 'Asshole' mutually exclusive? - 1/9/2013 5:12:44 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

Not to disagree with any of the good discussion here, but I really feel that anything that anyone says right after a break-up, in the face of huge disappointment at the least, perhaps an impending property settlement and child custody battle in the worst, has to be taken with a grain of salt.

How many times have my friends (BDSM or vanilla) said to me when in the middle of a break-up, "what a jerk", "what an asshole", "what a bitch", "what a [fill in derogatory word of your choosing]

Do I believe all husbands post-divorce are jerks?

Do I believe all girlfriends post-breakup are bitches?

Do I believe all Dominants post-breakup are assholes?

I would be more interested if someone said any of these things in a relationship that they claimed to be happy about. In other words, if someone said to me, my wonderful Dominant is an asshole, I would have some questions for them, for sure, because when I have a successful relationship going on it is not a word I would use to describe someone, as I feel it is inherently derogatory. Similarly, I've never heard a man describe a woman he was enjoying a relationship with as a bitch (in polite conversation).

When relationships either hit rocky ground, or are self-combusting, a lot of nastiness can get thrown around that really reflects disappointment and anger, as opposed to a true description of someone. So I guess in my world the terms are somewhat mutually exclusive as applied to me and my relationship. In other words my Dominant who I am happy with is not an asshole to me even if he might have an "asshole" like personality at work, or other contexts of his life. And if I felt my Dominant who I am happy with is an asshole to me, I would be worried for myself. Maybe this is just the way I use the word "asshole". Maybe others use it in a way that is supposed to have loving connotations (?)

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 1/9/2013 5:13:16 PM >

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