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Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:48:13 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
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I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore.

So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Thanks in advance,
heartfelt

_____________________________

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Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

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RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:50:17 PM

kalikshama

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I'm thinking he is blinded by proximity to pussy - is she local to him and you not?

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Post #: 2

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:51:50 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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Any number of things, like women think they can change a man sometimes, he loves her and is willing to try the hohummetry, he is guilty, any number of things.

You can't worry about the chinese being communist, kiddo, not your doing, brush your teeth and move on.

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RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:54:36 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore.

So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Thanks in advance,
heartfelt

The most likely answer is pretty simple: he met this woman and really liked her, so he is trying to figure out how to make it work.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 4

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:58:25 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

~FR~
Sadly, some people spend their entire lives hiding who they really are so they can fit in and seem "normal," whatever that is. Sounds like he's giving that a go. You'd think he'd be old enough and secure enough in himself to not feel he had to do that especially after having tried it once and then coming back to what he really wants. Only he knows for sure "why" but it seems to me like some people just don't have it in them to be a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. And that's not being disparaging toward him in any way. It's just the facts sometimes........luci

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Post #: 5

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 12:58:35 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
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Sadly, people do it all the time.
Some say it's simply compromising.
To me, it's being fake and dishonest.

It's funny because typically these are the same people who later bitch and moan about their partner not meeting their needs.
Well duh!
You never told them what you needed.
Or even worse, made them believe your needs were being meet.

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Post #: 6

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 1:06:51 PM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Is it a lie? I know that, for me, once I had dated on CM for a couple years, the kinky desires I had were less powerful forces in my mind. I had realized several of my fantasies, and had a better sense of who I was, sexually. I also had a much broader understanding of who was in the kink universe, because I met a lot of women who would never go to a munch or a club.

So, coming out of that, vanilla was much more important to me thank kink, and I had greater confidence that sexually compatibility was something that could be built over time, with a partner who wanted to create a successful relationship with me. I think that's especially true in the case of women who came of age during the internet. Having ready access to porn as a teen, and seeing shocking sexual images at least several times a year, means the "kids today" have fewer limitations on what is possible to do in bed.

I don't know anything about your friend, of course. But it seems to me there are far more important reasons to date someone than the fact that both people are into bondage.

All that said, the lady I'm dancing with right now is someone I met on CM.

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 1:09:39 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw

Sadly, people do it all the time.
Some say it's simply compromising.
To me, it's being fake and dishonest.

It's funny because typically these are the same people who later bitch and moan about their partner not meeting their needs.
Well duh!
You never told them what you needed.
Or even worse, made them believe your needs were being meet.

THIS!! Also they why talk to you then dump for nilla chick?
Possible answers:
-hes just not into you
-proximity to pussy
-wife caught him on interneyt

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Post #: 8

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 1:33:49 PM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
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Denial is a disease. You just dodged a serious bullet, babe.

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Post #: 9

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 2:41:54 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For me leaving the "lifestyle" would be rather easy because for me it's all about a dominant personality man, whether he's into bdsm or even knows about it or not. I don't really need the kinky sex or any of the bdsm trappings.

It could be that he found a woman who is a submissive personality or maybe he's just into the kinky sex and she likes kinky sex too but they are not into the whole power exchange thing. Who knows.

But I don't see it as all that strange or as one hiding themselves from someone else. I see it as just finding someone in life who you have that chemistry with.

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Everything has changed

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Post #: 10

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 2:44:37 PM

Notsweet

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Agreed with littlewonder there. If the man has a dominant personality, it's really not all that hard to get him to play rough. It's about the rest of the relationshiip, and if his personality is that way, it's that way straight through. But I can see how it would be a little risky getting a woman with a submissive personality to go along with rough sex. Seems like that would be a way to get into trouble...

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 3:07:48 PM

TwoHeartsBeatOne

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Joined: 10/30/2012
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I couldn't have said this better...

quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

Denial is a disease. You just dodged a serious bullet, babe.

But, I'll add this... just because a guy thinks he's a Dom, says he's a Dom, does not mean he actually IS a Dom. Some are just guys who are control freaks; some are selfish little boys and some suffer from a Madonna/Whore complex.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=madonna-whore%20complex

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(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 12

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 3:50:09 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I don't think you are whining. Sometimes it takes a bit to wrap our minds around something that doesn't sit well.

Maybe he's conflicted about his lifestyle desires and wishes he could survive without them - this new woman might be fueling that ambition. Maybe he's used to being deceitful in his relationships and this new one is just another one with a familiar theme. Maybe he's not that into you and seems to feel more of a connection with the new woman. Maybe she has something else that is desirable to him so that he'd give up BDSM to have it - youth, money, connections, etc. As someone else suggested, maybe it's the Madonna-Whore complex.

Honestly it's anyone's guess, the important thing is that you dodged a big bullet here. When he ends up wanting some kink or the new woman finds out he's a liar and kicks him to the curb, please don't answer the phone when he calls you again. The two of you aren't compatible in some way, it's wonderful you found out now and didn't spend years with him only to find out later he let you go then over something else that came up. Take your valuable self and move on down the road to find someone who knows what to do with you

I will add that I am one person that can live without kink if I have the right person in my life. Even though he has said to you that he couldn't stay away from his kink desires, maybe he was telling YOU that in order to get you, and in reality he's not as into kink as he claimed.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 13

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 4:31:36 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore.

So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Thanks in advance,
heartfelt

You of course assuming what he is telling you is true. Sometimes the lie is hidden and not the obvious one that you see.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 14

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 5:20:41 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

You just dodged a serious bullet, babe.

Agreed. He told you one story, and her another. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out which of the two stories was true, if either one was.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 15

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/22/2013 6:36:00 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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I'm not trying to mean, but I think your real question is, "Why would he choose her and not me when I think we had more in common?"

The truth is sadly, you might not have had as much common ground as you thought. He could have simply been playing into what he thought you wanted to hear.

So really, since you are sure of what YOU want in a partner, you did dodge a bullet. After all, would you want to be with someone who wasn't sure what they were looking for?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/23/2013 3:35:29 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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She is more local than I. I travel a great deal for my business and when I am in town I am local, but I do travel.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/23/2013 3:42:20 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Mnottertail,

Thanks for your response, I get what you are saying. Just trying to figure out some things first. But thank you for your response.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 18

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/23/2013 3:44:51 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

That is probably true. Part of what I am trying to figure out is this: I could easily just say he is a liar, everything he said was a lie, etc. , but I usually have a fairly good BS reader I can usually tell when someone is lying and he didn't come across as a liar, he came across as honest. So part of what I am trying to figure out how I could have read him so wrong. So yes part of the it is about figuring out what I missed.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 19

RE: Can someone explain? - 1/23/2013 3:47:04 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Thank Luci. Part of what it seems from all of our communication is that all of his past relationships have always been either/or. Either all D/s or M/s with nothing "vanilla" in it or all vanilla with no D/s or M/s in it. It seemed to me that he didn't know how to blend the two into life.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 20

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