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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

So part of what I am trying to figure out how I could have read him so wrong. So yes part of the it is about figuring out what I missed.

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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

So part of what I am trying to figure out how I could have read him so wrong. So yes part of the it is about figuring out what I missed.

The most effective kind of liar is one that has convinced himself that he's telling the truth. He may have lied successfully to himself about what he is and what/who he wants.

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me leaving the "lifestyle" would be rather easy because for me it's all about a dominant personality man, whether he's into bdsm or even knows about it or not. I don't really need the kinky sex or any of the bdsm trappings.

It could be that he found a woman who is a submissive personality or maybe he's just into the kinky sex and she likes kinky sex too but they are not into the whole power exchange thing. Who knows.

But I don't see it as all that strange or as one hiding themselves from someone else. I see it as just finding someone in life who you have that chemistry with.

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ORIGINAL: lizi

I don't think you are whining. Sometimes it takes a bit to wrap our minds around something that doesn't sit well.

Maybe he's conflicted about his lifestyle desires and wishes he could survive without them - this new woman might be fueling that ambition. Maybe he's used to being deceitful in his relationships and this new one is just another one with a familiar theme. Maybe he's not that into you and seems to feel more of a connection with the new woman. Maybe she has something else that is desirable to him so that he'd give up BDSM to have it - youth, money, connections, etc. As someone else suggested, maybe it's the Madonna-Whore complex.

Honestly it's anyone's guess, the important thing is that you dodged a big bullet here. When he ends up wanting some kink or the new woman finds out he's a liar and kicks him to the curb, please don't answer the phone when he calls you again. The two of you aren't compatible in some way, it's wonderful you found out now and didn't spend years with him only to find out later he let you go then over something else that came up. Take your valuable self and move on down the road to find someone who knows what to do with you

I will add that I am one person that can live without kink if I have the right person in my life. Even though he has said to you that he couldn't stay away from his kink desires, maybe he was telling YOU that in order to get you, and in reality he's not as into kink as he claimed.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore.

So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Thanks in advance,
heartfelt

You of course assuming what he is telling you is true. Sometimes the lie is hidden and not the obvious one that you see.

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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I'm not trying to mean, but I think your real question is, "Why would he choose her and not me when I think we had more in common?"

The truth is sadly, you might not have had as much common ground as you thought.  He could have simply been playing into what he thought you wanted to hear.

So really, since you are sure of what YOU want in a partner, you did dodge a bullet.  After all, would you want to be with someone who wasn't sure what they were looking for?

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She is more local than I. I travel a great deal for my business and when I am in town I am local, but I do travel.

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub


Knight thank you for your reply. Yes it felt like he was telling me the truth. And because I really believed he was telling me the truth when I can normally tell when someone is lying, it is rather disconcerting to me.

Thank you again for your reply.

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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

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ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

You just dodged a serious bullet, babe.

Agreed. He told you one story, and her another. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out which of the two stories was true, if either one was.

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub


Knight thank you for your reply. Yes it felt like he was telling me the truth. And because I really believed he was telling me the truth when I can normally tell when someone is lying, it is rather disconcerting to me.

Thank you again for your reply.

I just have to wonder what he isn't saying! maybe it's not a lie.... but there is a side to the story that you don't know. It's that piece that makes sense to his actions... but missing it well just causes one to wonder in confusion.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

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ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

You just dodged a serious bullet, babe.

Agreed. He told you one story, and her another. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out which of the two stories was true, if either one was.

This, in addition to what KoM is saying.

I think a lot of people compartmentalize this stuff. Maybe especially men, I am not sure in that regard. Someone wrote something about the Madonna/whore thing. Which kind of fits in the thought process I'm going.

Some people have these hot fantasies but in reality, they can't imagine them being.......real.

A few years ago there was a woman from Chicago that contacted me on the other side. Everything was proceeding smoothly. Email, chat, then phone conversations back and forth. All until we actually scheduled a meeting about 2 months into the deal. Come to find out, she was married, had one child and was expecting another. The whole thing was some sort of role playing game she had created in her mind. Never did she imagine it could be actually REAL. She honestly believed that no one really did this shit for real!?!?! She had literally created a alter ego character of herself, same name, face, etc.......but with the BDSM kink (and oh yeah, lesbian...) in her mind.

Her idea of how her actual real life should be was so far removed from her fantasies she simply couldn't imagine them existing in her real physical life. Was a crazy eye opening experience for me but I am not so sure that it's that uncommon online.

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ORIGINAL: LizDeluxe

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

What makes you think you know what is better for this guy than he does?

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

You said he never took any kind of control in his "vanilla" relationships. That right there for me, personally, says he's not a dominant personality, he's playing the role of a dom which for me equals kinky sex and role playing.

So take it for what it's worth. That's my view and how I operate. So I'm going to say that you became enamored by him and only saw what you wanted to see.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I know that I am whining and normally I wouldn't ask a question like this but I really am confused. Have been talking with a D-type where there was a great deal of chemistry and similarity of both kinks and "regular" life and then out of the blue he says that he is starting to date a vanilla woman and is leaving the lifestyle. He is, of course, not being honest with her about his lifestyle desires. And he has already told me that he has tried this before and it didn't work because after about a year he couldn't stay away from his lifestyle desires anymore.

So the question is this why would someone do that, choose to begin a relationship where they will have to hide about half of who they are and build it all on a lie?

Thanks in advance,
heartfelt

You of course assuming what he is telling you is true. Sometimes the lie is hidden and not the obvious one that you see.