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I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 1:59:04 PM   
laceandpearls


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		I have know a man for about a year or so.
We finally dated and made things monogamous.
About a month later, he asked me to wear His collar.
I accepted. He then asked if down the road I wanted marriage.
I said yes, then He said when the time comes we will marry.
A formal collaring is scheduled but not finalized. (Some trouble brewing with some family etc)

I get 7 weeks vacation per year from work. I do not get Holidays off except for the day of the Holiday so I work before and after.
I made plans as I have every year to visit family which I havent seen at the Holidays last year. I go every January. My next vacation is scheduled in April.
He knew all this from the very beginning as I made it plain that I have a brother in a nursing home I visit on vacation.

Things were fine til time for the vacation. He became withdrawn. I didnt associate it with my vacation because well.. He said he understood.
The first few days of the vacation he would call and txt. Then as the days go by (I have 9 days off) the calls became nothing with only one txt per day which consisted of. Good morning. That was it. No matter how much I wrote or asked questions He wouldnt answer them.
Still I thought well, he has some troubles with family and has some problems with his back and taking meds for it.

By the fourth day, no txt. no call. The fourth day I looked at how many txts I had sent. 20. He replied with only Morning. Ok. Fine. things like that with only one word reply. He wrote back 9 times.
I wrote one last txt stating along the lines he must be tired or sick and taking some meds as I hadnt heard from him. I wrote I will not txt again until I hear from you. He didnt respond.
Today is the 9th day. FIVE days later he txted me. His only txt: Are you home yet?

well.... I got mad even more than I was before. I wrote back to him, Now see, I really want to say some nasty stuff here. Like, if you would have contacted me for the last 5 days you would know where the hell I am. Am I to expect the silent treatment every time I visit family? As far as I know you could have been dead for 5 days. I sent 20 messages before it dawned on my stupid ass yu are apparently mad because I am visiting family.

either you have lost all use of your hands and cannot call or txt or your vocal cords have been strained or cut.. or maybe even you have taken too much meds to call or let me know how you are. But then who am I to even need to know??? He never asked me how things are?.. hows the family? etc.. Nothing.

He didnt reply back.

This is my first argument with him and it was via txt not even on the phone.. or in person as I am still on vacation.

Now I feel bad.
I was right... wasnt I??
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:05:42 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Sorry, I got stuck at the seven weeks of vacation. I only get two.

(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:08:26 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		You're entitled to your feelings. You have a right to tell him about your feelings. But I don't agree with the delivery.
If you feel bad about it, then that tells me you believe you handled it negatively as well.

(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:10:03 PM   
laceandpearls


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		aw, I only posted that to help clarify things. Also I dont spend every vaca with my family.. but this one is like the Holidays for me.. I didnt see my brothers or Dad at all for 6 months last year. We are very close knit family and altho its hard to see my brother in a nursing home I do go.

I work for a wonderful company that is great at believing family is important so we get more time.. plus Ive been there a long time so I get 7 weeks. New hires only get 5 weeks a year.

Yea... I supppose I did handle it wrongly.
I just txted him and apologized for the way I said what I did,,, but not for my feelings.
Maybe he will call or txt me.

< Message edited by laceandpearls -- 1/26/2013 2:15:28 PM >

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:13:00 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		You were right to feel whatever it was that you were feeling. Whether it was "right" to respond
as you did, or in the medium you did, can only be decided on between you and your partner.

I think the more important question is, even if you are right, what is your next course of action?



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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:17:16 PM   
laceandpearls


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		I just txted him and apologized for the way I worded things. I didnt call. He didnt call me.. I didnt apologize for the way I felt.. only the way I reacted.
I think Im right about this.. but no reply..

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:18:44 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laceandpearls

I just txted him and apologized for the way I worded things. I didnt call. He didnt call me.. I didnt apologize for the way I felt.. only the way I reacted.
I think Im right about this.. but no reply..



He's pouting because you visited a family member in a nursing home?

I would not waste any more of your data plan

_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:26:08 PM   
laceandpearls


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		well.. thats the only thing I can come up with at the moment. Seeing he hasnt called or txted me five days and his only txt was are you home yet? I think thats the only conclusion I came come to..

and well... not wasting time anymore is sad.. I dont know what his problem is.. he isnt talking.. but I dont want THIS kind of life.

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 2:55:20 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Try actually talking to each other on the phone
next time.
Fights over text are... I don't know, if it's something
so important that it is threatening to end your
engagement or whatever, don't you think it's worth
at least a verbal conversation?



< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 1/26/2013 3:03:20 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 3:31:10 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laceandpearls
I dont know what his problem is.. he isnt talking.. but I dont want THIS kind of life.


That's the crux right there. If he's not communicating now when he's on his best behavior for a new-ish relationship, then what will it be like further down the road?

Whatever happens, don't accept a sob story from him or the old "because I'm the Dom" routine. It's something that needs to be addressed and worked out. It's perfectly okay for a submissive to lay out their expectations and what they consider acceptable behavior.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 1/26/2013 4:08:15 PM >

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 3:43:31 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I'd have felt really put off in your shoes, too. However, I don't think arguing/telling each other off via text is productive; rather, it's counterproductive.

That being said, you feel what you feel, and you did what you did, and you apologized. Has he responded? Anything? I'm not a fan of having serious conversations over text; I'd have called to apologize. Even if he didn't answer, voicemail is better than text (to me).

I'd say this - if you both still want the relationship then you're going to need to sit down and calmly talk about how you want to handle situations like this in the future. A man who couldn't handle me visiting my family would not be in my life very long. A man who distanced himself from me whenever he had an issue about something I was doing would find himself permanently distanced. That's just how I operate. BUT...if he is willing to talk things about - about what works for each of you, and what doesn't, then I'd say this is salvageable. The blame game doesn't belong in any relationship I'm in, as it serves no purpose and pits us against each other. But yeah, anger is anger, and can come out in ways we regret.

It's all well and fine to say you love each other and want to marry each other. But real life presents real situations, and people need to figure out to handle these things and what kind of relationship they want....BEFORE anyone puts a ring on someone's finger.

With the Mister and I, we've committed to addressing any issues within 24 hours of them occurring. If I apologized to someone and they didn't respond somehow within 24 hours, I'd start moving away from that person emotionally.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 3:44:47 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: laceandpearls
I dont know what his problem is.. he isnt talking.. but I dont want THIS kind of life.


That's the crux right there. If he's not communicating now when he's on his best behavior for a new-ish relationship, then what will it be like further down the road?

Whatever happens, don't accept a sob story from him or the old "because I'm the Dom" routine. It's something that needs to addressed and worked out. It's perfectly okay for a submissive to lay out their expectations and what they consider acceptable behavior.


I completely agree with the above.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 3:58:05 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		OP - please do let us know what happens. I am especially curious to hear if he trots out the "because I'm the Dom" routine.

quote:

Whatever happens, don't accept a sob story from him or the old "because I'm the Dom" routine. It's something that needs to addressed and worked out. It's perfectly okay for a submissive to lay out their expectations and what they consider acceptable behavior.


_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 3:58:40 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		1. You should have been up front about your being ticked off at the lack of communication.
2. If I had gotten 20 texts in 4 days, I would have felt a bit overwhelmed.
3. He let a situation get out of hand.
4. Not answering questions is just plain rude.

The two of you need to sit down. What was the reason his communication with you dwindled? Why did it piss you off so much? What should have been done? Are the two of you truly compatible?

I also feel uneasy with the way you described things. You mention a future collar and future marriage, but I don't get the sense of real feelings for each other.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 4:34:29 PM   
laceandpearls


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		no no... i was just being straight with facts. I havent wrote about the fact that he writes me lovely poems, calls me princess, does all kinds of things for me and I do for him. I was trying to just write the basics re the situation.
He always shows affection and when not together we talked on the phone etc.. but since i went on vaca he has changed.
I called n he wont answer but sent a txt "had nothing to do with family at all". thats it.. nothing else.
wtf???
As for txting it is not unusual to get 30 txt a day from him. we talk when together in person. but because of work we txt. i work from 5 am to 430 pm. I pull 4 tens but they usually last 11 or 12 hours in reality.
I think something has happened n he is not telling me.

But theres no reason he couldnt call and talk while on vaca. i tried but no answer.. this driving me insane.

< Message edited by laceandpearls -- 1/26/2013 4:38:56 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 5:29:12 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Is there some reason he could not go with you? Maybe he feels upset that you never asked him to go along. Maybe he feels you are not making him a part of the rest of your life. He feels left out.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 5:56:50 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		You both sound needy, 30 texts a day seems like
too much.

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530 DAYS

(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 7:21:00 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Do you want to be right. Or do you want to have a thriving happy relationship. Maybe instead of focusing on being right of not. Maybe you both should decide what is best for the both of you

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 7:35:39 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I would be pissed. Plain and simple. While everyone is saying how you sending 20 texts over what was it? Four days? is too much, it is all based on what is "normal" for the two of you. Obviously for those posters, it is a lot and they don't want that much contact with their partner. That's fine for them. If he is sending you thirty texts a day, what you did was in the normal context of YOUR relationship. That's the only thing that really matters.

Now, aside from that, you did kind of lose it in your texts to him about why he hasn't responded. I can totally understand. But wanting to say something and saying it are very different, I'm sure you realize. This was one of those times that you shouldn't have said what you wanted.....at that time. Because yep, I'm a total believer that when you get home and the two of you talk, if you do, then you should be able to tell him what you wanted to say. Although I believe you should phrase it in the way of, "I was so mad, it made me want to say this, this, and that to you. But I didn't."

He says it isn't about your family. As I was reading through the other posts, I began to wonder...seems like this might simply be more about you going away at all. Some people can't handle that. Doesn't make it right, but it is what it is.

If you get to talk, you need to iron all this out before moving forward. If you don't get to talk, then screw him, you deserve better.

(in reply to laceandpearls)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I was right.... right?? - 1/26/2013 8:24:33 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I wasn't commenting on the amount of texts as
a judgement based on my wants, it was an
observation and has nothing to do with what
might be normal for them but what is healthy,
as a general rule of thumb.

Heres an article that may address one side of the
situation:
quote:

Why are some people so needy in relationships? Why does the relationship have to revolve all around them?  Is your partner controlling your relationship and have you let them, through your behaviours? Why does a person have to control their relationship and partner?
The answer is simple FEAR!…
…Plus historic conditioning
It is important to be aware when a person in a relationship is more concerned with what they are not getting rather than what they can contribute to the relationship. Sometimes the control is obvious and sometimes is is so subtle is can be confusing and makes you question yourself.
A person who wants to take from the relationship is usually unaware that they fear not getting their needs met such as “love” and the more they “take” the less they eventually get as resentment sets in. This creates more controlling behaviours.
So they end up with control strategies designed to manipulate their partner to feel that they have no choice, but to support them all be it in low level ways. Strategies could be…
Controlling behaviours such as
Passive aggression
Self Harm
Depression
Anger
Withholding love
Controlling time & money
Obsessive compulsive
Controlling realities
Behaviour blame – you made me do it!
Putting your partner down
Rejecting
Negative body language
plus unexplained illnesses to name a few. They will control whatever they can to get what they need, even if their need is met in low quality ways.
Needy controlling partners can put a significant strain on any relationship!
So do you think your partner is too needy are you being controlled?
Why do you think they are this way, has their been a change in the relationship? Have they always been this way?

http://www.stephenhedger.com/relationships/needy-controlling-partners/#.UQSqSjdhic0


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530 DAYS

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 20
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