JustDragonflies
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Joined: 3/30/2012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: breagha
i sat for an hour while i was run down. i was called weak willed. i was told ( and they tried to convince me it was true ) i was in a semi abusive relationship. One friend said that she cannot believe that i would live this way and that she feels it is beneath me as a woman to be under control of a man. One is not speaking to me suddenly because she will not accept and cannot support a relationship like the one i have.
my questions are: how many of you have had this happen to you? when did being submissive equate being weak? is there any reparation for my lost friendship?
Some thoughts:
1: No one, friend or not, is entitled to berate you about your choices. Even if you were being abused, that's not a supportive stance to take and it actually would further isolate the victim if their friend approached them like that. So I take it that they are not necessarily well educated on abuse, or how to advocate for an abuse victim. The fact of the matter is, in an abusive relationship the abuser controls the victim without their consent, and slowly, silently removes their autonomy and sense of self. They are never informed that this will take place. It just happens. It's confusing. It's degrading. And they didn't choose it. That's the difference between the power exchange lifestyle and abuse, in a nutshell. You have a choice. You have the power. You have the control. You're choosing to share it with someone in exchange for them conducting themselves in what you feel is a supportive, appropriate, ethical, loving, responsible, respectful manner as you see it. Trust is earned. Communication is, ideally open and vital. Those elements are not present in an abusive relationship. If you feel up to it, it might benefit your relationship with your friends to discuss how and why BDSM isn't abuse. I've discussed some clear reasons, and there are many essays online about this precise topic. Many people's family/friends have concerns so there's quite a bit of info you can share. 
2. Their feelings, their preferences are theirs. And they're not entitled to impose them on you. You have your own will, your own feelings, your own preferences. Perhaps how they live isn't how you'd live. Shift the perspective and see, if you were the judgmental one you could be calling them out instead. (That's not appropriate either, mind you, but my point is that it's all about perspective.) They do not have to live within your relationship and you're not asking them to do so. Nothing is being imposed upon them. And that concept is one which might be ideal to present to them. You're doing what makes you happy, you're being responsible and you're not imposing your lifestyle upon them. However, like in most loving relationships, you want to take your partners needs into consideration. The practical way that looks and sounds in BDSM may differ from vanilla dynamics, but it's a common philosophy. If I were you, I'd ask that my friends respect my desire to navigate my life and ask them to be patient when that impacts my availability to them. But, that's going to happen in any relationship vanilla or not! One only has so much time and energy to invest. Any relationship would make ripples in the other things that is in a person's life, I think.
3. There's a lot of difference between what one says and how one says it. Abraham Lincoln has a quote I read as a child that has always influenced my conduct to a great degree. He said something to the effect of, If you want someone to do something for you... you have to find a way to get them to want to. Now that may seem simplistic but I always found it to be rather profound because it takes into account that individuals need motivation and there are boundaries, which vary from person to person, which must be overcome. When I talked to my friends and family about my involvement in the power exchange lifestyle I took that into consideration and I talked to them in a couple of different ways and had quite positive results.
One way (a Taking It Seriously way) was to tell them I wanted to talk to them about something happy in my life, but which was controversial. I asked for their patience in hearing me out and I went into it with some ideas in mind of what I wanted to communicate. (Love, respect, intimacy, intensity, realistic self protection, safety, trust and etc.) I did that with some people because I knew that it would show them that I was thoughtful, serious, sincere and responsibly acknowledging the "questionable" elements in what I was doing. I talked to them about it on my terms, and I opened up a dialog that reflected why I do what it is I do. I controlled the terms that the conversation took place on. I did that because I knew some people in my life would be concerned and would need to sit down and talk about their feelings and concerns. I knew they'd need to understand I took my safety seriously and I recognized there were some risky elements. I gave them a chance to ask questions and I tried to answer honestly and openly. I also invited them to read some books on the topic, to visit some websites and so on and so forth. And I asked them to come back to me with their feedback and questions and acknowledged it was a lot to process.
The other way (the more Light Hearted way) was to talk about it was more in passing, like when it came up in conversation. If there wasn't enough time to go into the details I wanted to cover (love, respect, intimacy, intensity, safety, trust etc) I didn't touch on it yet. I waited until I could discuss the important factors. I still controlled the information they initially received and I still invited them to ask questions, but with these kinds of people in my life, I knew they were more open minded and wouldn't need to see as much "taking my welfare seriously" evidence, like other people might. I tried to diplomatically gauge which group my friends and family fell into.
I had to hear many close-minded (or wacky, or humorous) concerns, but I remained calm, reasonable, affectionate, humorous and educated in my responses to those individuals and I soothed as many concerns as they would voice, and opened up about other things which they might be too shy to inquire about. I think my ability to take their needs and morals into account helped me open up a dialog with my loved ones so that now, I have their full acceptance and support. Everyone relatively important in my life knows about my involvement in power exchange and poly and it's become, mostly a lighthearted topic. They even come to me with interesting sexual/relationship questions and stories because I've brought a new perspective to their life.
I'm not saying my way is the right or best way, but I found it has been very successful. Several members of my friends and family are conservative, religious, feminist and so on and so forth so I was concerned about how it would pan out. On a personal note, I chose to be open about it with my loved ones because of a few factors. Primarily, I've noticed that people tend to react poorly to something they sense another party is ashamed of or trying to hide. When things are pretty open, sincere and honest people tend to view the topic more favorably. Additionally, I wanted to advocate for the power-exchange dynamic. I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong and I wanted to open up people's minds and hearts to that. I am fully aware not everyone finds that "activism" appealing or desirable or possible in their situation. But I took the concept of being open pretty seriously and gave it a lot of thought.
Regardless of how open you'd like to be in the future, I recommend that you reach out to your friends and call them together or one on one and talk to them about this again, since the cat is already out of the bag and their position in your life is meaningful to you. If you have a hard time responding verbally and opening up, I recommend writing a letter and in writing, share with them why you are choosing the lifestyle, what it means to you, what you see in your partner. Try to listen to their concerns and figure out how to assert your right to make your own life's choices, but let them know you want to work on showing them something that is important to you.
Lastly, in my not so humble opinion.... the friend who said that she can't accept/or support your relationship is probably someone that you are better off without, over all. The reality is, she isn't condoning your relationship by being your friend. She is supporting YOU. If she can't see that your intimate romantic relationship doesn't involve her, then she's got a very intrusive mentality about what is her business vs what's not. And frankly, it's manipulative and emotionally abusive to emotionally blackmail you about how you conduct your romantic relationships. Take the fluffy talk away and essentially, she is saying is 'If you do X, I can't be your friend.' The implication is that you ought to choose her over X. That's emotional abuse 101. It denies your free will. And it implies that you're responsible for how she chooses to manage her feelings and thoughts. Every adult is in charge of managing that on their own. She has a choice, and she's trying to hold you accountable. Again, emotional abuse 101. You deserve friends who won't hold their position in your life hostage in order to force to you to yield to their preferences.
I kind of wrote a mini-novel about this and I hope my thoughts and opinions weren't too intrusive or overwhelming!
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slightly insulted... - 
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