What would happen to your life if you were outed?

What would happen to your life if you were outed? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Bittersweetcoco -> What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:10:20 AM)
I created this profile just to tell my story. My age and location are not real. The story you are about to read is true. What would really happen in your life if you were outed? Do you know? Are you sure? Several years ago I was a member on CM. I was very active on the message board and very active in the real life scene. I was happy, it was fulfilling, I had lifestyle friends, D/s partners and what was going on in my private life was my business. Even if someone found out, what could really happen? I was not hurting anyone and it had absolutely nothing to do with my job or my vanilla life. I was sure I was safe. Then I was outed. One morning a friend of mine called and told me that a reporter from the newspaper had been calling around asking questions in reference to a profile/personal ad/journal that was seen on a website called Collarme. He was showing pictures from the site and was asking friends, co-workers, and colleagues discreetly if they could positively verify it was me in the pics. (My face was obscured in all of the shots.) I immediately took down my profile. But it was too late, the damage had been done. The newspapers started calling me. Constantly. I would not take the calls. Then my job called me and said that the “higher ups” wanted a meeting with me. I went in and they actually had pages of information that they had copied from my CM profile. They proceeded to tell me that some “anonymous allegations” had been made that I was engaged in a deviant lifestyle and that this person on the website was actually me. Then I was told that even though they could not see my face they were going with the assumption that it WAS me. And unless I could prove to their satisfaction that it was NOT me, I would be terminated. I was reminded that I lived in an “employment at will” state and that they did not need a reason to fire me. Bottom line. I was fired. I had to out myself to my family and inform them not only of my job termination but also that there would probably be a story on me in the local newspaper. I made the front page headline. Complete with my profile pic. All my real-time lifestyle friends understandably scattered. So I was publicly humiliated, embarrassed my family, lost my job and was pretty much blacklisted from ever working in my city again. And please note- all of this was done over essentially “gossip” and an “allegation” of being in the lifestyle. Nothing was ever proved. I know my story is a bit extreme and hard to believe. Its hard for me to believe and I actually lived it. So I ask again- Are you SURE what would happen if you were outed? I used to be sure.

lior4 -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:17:42 AM)
((HUUUGS)) sorry to hear that :( that kind of thing is what my Master tried to protect me from. thank you for sharing. and to answer the question : no, i don't have any idea what bad thing could happen. though i do aware that anything can happen beyond extreme. especially in the place i live in. so it's better to take precaution and be very careful.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:26:20 AM)
What line of work were you in? No job I have ever done have I been so well-known that people would care what I got up to in my private life, and I struggle to think of any career where you might have been important enough to make front-page news but still be hauled in front of higher ups and be fired at will. In my life: nothing. My family are respectful of my privacy and my decisions, we have our own family business and it is not the kind of industry where 'deviancy' would be an issue even if people did find out. I guess there would be some embarrassment at having my sex life broadcasted about, but that would be true even without kink.

Bittersweetcoco -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:33:47 AM)
That's just the thing I did not have an important position. It was not a high profile job. It was nothing that anyone should have cared about. The story was not about the job it was a about a local woman said to be living a deviant lifestyle. It was juicy gossip. No one even knew who I was until then. I just lived in a very conservative area and they don't like anything that they consider "immoral." And the firing? It was easy, enough "good Christian" people with enough money made enough noise. I was bad for business and I was basically made an example of.

TwoHeartsBeatOne -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:37:17 AM)
I'm sorry you have suffered in such a way. Personally, I live openly and always have which is the part I control in the situation. Others may disagree or not like it, but... that's for them to live with. Perhaps you will find a way to make this situation work for your benefit, even though it sounds like you don't see that possibility just now. Please be aware of this resource... National Coalition for Sexual Freedom https://www.ncsfreedom.org/ What is the NCSF's mission? The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. The NCSF aims to advance the rights of, and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities. We pursue our vision through direct services, education, advocacy, and outreach, in conjunction with our partners, to directly benefit these communities. Did you contact any of these groups for help? If not, anyone else reading this can know these options are available: Directory of NCSF Coalition Partners (as of August 2012) by Mercury about 2 years ago NCSF Coalition Partners as of January 2012: Adventures in Sexuality (Columbus, OH) Albany Power Exchange (Albany, NY) Alternative Community Educational Society (Bremerton, WA) Arizona Power Exchange (Phoenix, AZ) Austin Law Group (San Francisco, CA) Beyond Leather (Ft. Lauderdale, FL) Black BEAT Inc. (Baltimore, MD) Black Rose (Washington DC) Board of Edcuation (Detroit, MI) Boise BDSM Society (Boise, ID) Boulder Center for Sexual Health (Boulder, CO) CAPEX (Charlotte, NC) Center for Sex Positive Culture (Seattle, WA) Chicago Age Players (Chicago, IL) Club X (San Diego, CA) DC TNG (Washington DC) Deviations Detroit (Detroit, MI) DFW Power Exchange (Dallas, TX) Dr. Clockwork (NJ) Eau Claire Munch (Eau Claire, WI) Females Investigating Sexual Terrain - FIST (Baltimore, MD) FetFest by Born Lucky Productions (MD/DC/VA) FetLife.com Fox Valley Kink Community (Neenah, WI) Ft. Wayne Munch (Ft. Wayne, IN) Frolicon (Atlanta, GA) House Blackheart (Thomasville, NC) House of Decorum (Greenville, SC) Institute for Personal Growth (NJ/NY) International Ms. Leather - IMsL iTaboo.com Jacksonville TNG (Jacksonville, FL) The Kiddie Pool (Houston, TX) Knights of Leather (Minneapolis, MN) LA Noble (New Orleans, LA) Leather SINS (Chicago, IL) Lesbian Sex Mafia (New York, NY) The Mark by CPI (Nashville, TN) MAsT Evansville (Evansville, IN) Midwest Alternatives (Lincoln, NE) Midwest Fantasy Adventures (Chicago, IL) Minnesota Kinky Youth (St. Paul, MN) Minnesota Stocks, Debentures, and Bonds - MSDB (Minneapolis, MN) MN Rope (Minneapolis, MN) Mob New England (Boston, MA) Mollena.com The Monarchs (Los Angeles, CA) MTTA (Washington DC) National Leather Association Dallas (Dallas, TX) New England Dungeon Society - NEDS (New England) New England Leather Alliance - NELA (Boston, MA) New Mexico Leather League (Albuquerque, NM) Northern Lights (MN) OhioSMART (Cleveland, OH) PEPRMNT (St. Paul, MN) The Red Chair (Birmingham, AL) Red Dragons Riding Club (Orange County, CA) Riverbound (IA/IL) Rob & Leenie (Clifton Park, NY) Robin Spector (San Leandro, CA) Sanctuary for Lifestyle Arts (Dallas, TX) Satyricon (Madison, WI) Scarlet Ranch (Denver, CO) The Siege (Nashville, TN) smOdyssey, Inc. (San Jose, CA) Society of Janus - SOJ (San Francisco, CA) TABU Social Club (Baltimore, MD) TES - The Eulenspiegel Society (New York, NY) Threshold (Los Angeles, CA) TNG Baltimore (Baltimore, MD) The Treasure Coast Kinksters (Stuart, FL) Tulsa Dungeon Society (Tulsa, OK) University of Minnesota Queer Student Cultural Center (Minneapolis, MN) Unlimitied 2 Entertainment, LLC (Washington DC) The Woodshed Orlando (Orlando, FL)

TheLilSquaw -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:40:03 AM)
quote: Are you SURE what would happen if you were outed? There was a point, I was "out" to those in my circle but not as openly as I am now and THAT was because of my career choice. When I first began teaching, I actually had moral clauses in my contracts. I could have been fired for anything from sexual conduct to wearing clothes the director or owner deemed to riske. So I was VERY cautious and it sucked in many ways. I remember, driving out of my area almost 2 hours to go dancing and I loved to dance. However, I wanted to avoid the possibility of running into parents from the school. One night I said the hell with it, went to the local club. I had on a cute lil red halter dress. BAM! A boys parents from my school. They were cool but it was still awkward. Their son had been in my class for 2 yrs, they had NEVER realized I had tattoos. Granted at the time I only had 7 out of the 9 I have currently but still. Lol My best friend, he has to be very cautious about what he does publicly but that is because of his security clearance. ETA: Most states are a fire at will so employers really don't NEED a reason to fire you and if you happen to have a morals clause in your contract. Which many do these days. Eh... be aware!

EligibleOwner -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 4:49:47 AM)
I don't propose to talk about "what would happen to me" - I don't think that helps anyone. But I do think a lot of people are vulnerable to being seriously damaged by "outing", at least in Britain. Those who work in the public sector can find themselves dismissed and then find it difficult to work again; and even those in the private sector are at risk of being investigated online, by their employers. I think there are a few ways for us to oppose this. First, I think it's a good idea for us to protect our privacy here - some people will be looking at this website who do not wish us well. Second, we need to make sure journalists in particular stop trying to dig out stories about people's private lives, and look for real news instead. That's a very live debate in Britain now, and it seems to me obvious that whoever has a profile here should strongly support the "Hacked Off" campaign. Third, in our professional lives we should avoid being part of this sort of victimisation, and if something like this is raised - say, about someone we manage or are responsible for - we should work hard to ensure that it's the "outer" who faces disciplinary investigation, and that the "outee" is protected.

Bittersweetcoco -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 5:10:18 AM)
I contacted many of them and at one time the NCSF were even using/citing my story as an example of why they exist. Great resources, great people- but little help. People have great sympathy for you but there is really nothing anyone can do to help you in a situation like mine. Maybe give you a few leads on other jobs, but what exactly should I put on an application when they ask "why did you leave your last job?" [:D] And yes, I found a way to make it work for me. Fortunately I was essentially debt free and had a little additional income along with a small nest egg stored away. (Suze Ormand was right!) Once I thought about it I realized that I hated my job anyway. I mean it paid the bills but it was low wage, crazy hours, no opportunity for advancement, they usually stiffed me on my OT and basically I was treated like shit anyway. My blood pressure actually returned to normal when I stopped working there. So I saw this as an opportunity to change my life. It took some doing, but I am back in school, getting a degree so I can start a new career. When I am done I will be certified in a very high demand profession where I can work for myself. So hey.....I've got lemonade. [;)] But what happened to me was very traumatic. I would not wish it on anyone. I'm just sharing to let people know that you never know.

TNDommeK -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 5:26:51 AM)
Hmmm, well my mom knows that I'm a fin domme. Not sure she understands what exactly that entails. I think she thinks I just get gifts,lol. I didn't argue. My job wouldn't be affected, as I own my company. And the dancing job I have wouldn't be affected. I'm pretty sure girls who get their hair done by me, wouldn't care bc I'm damn good at it. And I know they can't live with out me. So it wouldn't really matter. I'm really sorry you were outed. That sucks and is the worst thing ever. That's your private life!

angelikaJ -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 5:39:49 AM)
Did you ever find out who or what tipped that reporter? Today with 50 Shades having permeated much of society, it might not matter as much... (of course depending on employment circumstances). I am very sorry that happened to you and am glad you have made lemonade out of a very sucky situation.

Bittersweetcoco -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 6:18:26 AM)
@angelikaJ- That is the only part of this that still hurts and still feels like a "fresh wound" when I talk about it. The only part that I still cry about sometimes. It was someone I knew from the lifestyle. A jilted guy mad because he was no longer getting his spanks. I don't think he knew it would blow up like it did. He contacted my job and reported my profile. Some moral Christian person from the job actually contacted the paper and the rest is history. I have not been active in the lifestyle since then. I completely got out of the scene and even got rid of all my toys and I have not done anything lifestyle with anyone since then. I know not everyone is like that but.....I just never saw it coming. I want to trust again...I really do, but.......I can't. Its been over 3 years, but that part (trust/betrayal) still hurts like it just happened.

chatterbox24 -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 6:19:13 AM)
That's why its a very good idea to analyze really what kind of position you hold in the community before posting any kind of recognizing pictures of one's self such as face pictures or tatoos easily recognized. Is it really worth it? Creative careers, such as hairdressing, art etc, nobody really cares, people expect eccentric behavior or what they consider eccentric or even deviant. But if your in a public eye of leading or expected moral codes of typical society, I think its a very poor judgement call to put a face picture up, unless you have a death wish. Its a huge risk. I had a face pic up at first and i quickly decided to take it down from the get go. If one has any fears of being outted in anyway, I would take note of this thread.

tommonymous -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 7:20:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 I had a face pic up at first and i quickly decided to take it down from the get go. If one has any fears of being outted in anyway, I would take note of this thread. I've been thinking about this since I put my profile up, but hadn't yet felt firmly committed one way or the other. This thread has pushed me pretty hard in one direction over the other.

TheLilSquaw -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 7:38:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tommonymous I've been thinking about this since I put my profile up, but hadn't yet felt firmly committed one way or the other. This thread has pushed me pretty hard in one direction over the other. There are ways to put up face pictures without putting up your "face". You could wear a mask of some sort, cut out the eyes and post the eye, or many other variations. And if you wanted a picture of you that didn't show your face or tell tell marks. There are countless options.

chatterbox24 -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 7:48:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bittersweetcoco @angelikaJ- That is the only part of this that still hurts and still feels like a "fresh wound" when I talk about it. The only part that I still cry about sometimes. It was someone I knew from the lifestyle. A jilted guy mad because he was no longer getting his spanks. I don't think he knew it would blow up like it did. He contacted my job and reported my profile. Some moral Christian person from the job actually contacted the paper and the rest is history. I have not been active in the lifestyle since then. I completely got out of the scene and even got rid of all my toys and I have not done anything lifestyle with anyone since then. I know not everyone is like that but.....I just never saw it coming. I want to trust again...I really do, but.......I can't. Its been over 3 years, but that part (trust/betrayal) still hurts like it just happened. This is what has always upset me about religion. I grew up in a religious home and some of the church people were some of the most judgement people I have ever met. Judging people if cleavage showed, taking the smallest of what a person says and making it a gigantic mountain. Absolutely so closed minded it was unbelievable. Sneaky, harmful gossip about the very people who they are suppose to make feel welcome. Not all, but many seemed very unhappy in their lifes, and it seemed they would judge others to keep from being judged? ANd if they felt cornered, they were vengeful. SUch as what the poster writes about the so called Christain outing them. It is almost like a stoning? There is nothing christain about that behavior at all. The actions are that of a person who hides behind religion and uses it to do harm to another. Like somehow outing a person is DOING GOOD, how can trying to ruin anothers life be good? Of course there are always exceptions, such as if that person was ruining others by their actions.

OsideGirl -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 8:30:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders What line of work were you in? No job I have ever done have I been so well-known that people would care what I got up to in my private life, and I struggle to think of any career where you might have been important enough to make front-page news but still be hauled in front of higher ups and be fired at will. In my previous job, we had to sign a morality clause. So, if someone had decided to out me to my employer, I would have been fired. And a male friend of mine was fired when a bitter submissive sent his profile to his employer. But, here's the reality: I live in SoCal where there would be a zillion targets before me and most people here wouldn't care anyway. The only way for me to be outed would be if someone in the community decided to get nasty. Even, then I own my business, so unless it went mainstream it wouldn't have an effect and even then I doubt it would have much of one.

Bittersweetcoco -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 8:51:52 AM)
I honestly thought I was safe because I was not important. I was not well known, I had no clout, and I had no important or well connected friends or family members. I worked at a job that required a high school education and paid just over minimum wage. My annual income has never exceeded the 20,000 range. I. was. a. nobody. So I figured who the hell would even care about what "nobody" was doing? In fact that was the only relief I got from the story in the paper. The vast majority of mainstream people did not know who the fuck they were talking about. I think the front page thing was partially done as a message to the local D/s community. Nothing scares a group more than completely destroying one of its members in plain site.

OsideGirl -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 9:19:27 AM)
The authorities already tried to out and destroy the local group.....and it failed publicly and with a lot of embarrassment for the authorities. quote: The arrest of the San Diego Six in October 1999. Club X sponsored a private play party Halloween weekend and a squad of police officers from the vice unit raided it and arrested six attendees for the crimes of “public nudity” and/or “lewd conduct in public.” Rallying to their defense, Club X raised $20,000 for legal expenses and brought in attorney Andy Zmurkiewicz, who represented five of the six defendants and handled the first court trial. After the first defendant was acquitted — and the foreman of the jury told the prosecutor the trial was a “waste of time” and never should have taken place — all charges against the other five were dropped. I live in a different political climate than you do. Members of the police department and military actively participate in the Gay Pride Parade. Outing someone involved in BDSM at this point wouldn't even raise an eyebrow.

littlewonder -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 9:48:10 AM)
I'm already out to most people. Yeah, they think I'm strange or weak willed or whatever, but whatever. My doctors know since they've asked about my bruises and marks. They were fine with it. If my work found out, I would tell them it's consensual and as long as it wasn't causing problems with my work or I wasn't doing anything illegal, I doubt much of anything would happen. All they care is that it's consensual.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: What would happen to your life if you were outed? (2/14/2013 10:07:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I live in a different political climate than you do. Members of the police department and military actively participate in the Gay Pride Parade. Outing someone involved in BDSM at this point wouldn't even raise an eyebrow. In my old job (domestic violence) I would have wanted to avoid it being public knowledge because I worked with some very vulnerable people who might have struggled with the distinction between consensual BDSM and abusive relationships. It would have muddied the water and weakened my objective position in helping them. BUT I can't see anyone caring enough to out me so publicly that any of my clients would have known. I'm sure a vindictive person could have contacted my employer (though they would have had a hard time firing me, since I'm squeaky-clean from a legal/job-requirement perspective, and they'd never have proved it since it's not like there are pornographic photos of me on the web. And like Oside ^^ it's not the kind of culture that people would react in a big way. In Manchester we had a vibrant gay community and alternative venues. Police officers marched in uniform in gay pride parades. A very high ranking officer is a trans woman who transitioned whilst in the force. One of the 'coolest' shopping areas which I used to go to as a teenager sold a lot of bondage gear and fetish clothing - and get this, even my 80 year old grandma used to shop there. If I were outed, I might have had some snarky comments or weird looks, perhaps a few awkward conversations with my superiors - but this whole 'good Christian' thing wouldn't even have been mentioned. It sucks that parts of America have such weak employment rights.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875