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I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 8:35:37 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		I have a very close friend that I need to back away from. I feel horrible, I feel like I am betraying her by backing away like this. I do not know what else to do though. She is heading in a direction I cannot follow.
She had always told me that her husband works cash jobs and that is how they got their money. I never thought about how they always had money even though neither holds a steady job. Part of me wondered how he got paid so much when he was always home, but I never thought it was my business.
Her husband became very good friends with a guy from St Louis. I had heard around he was a drug dealer in town but rumors fly in small towns so mostly I ignored them.
Last month this drug dealer was arrested for armed robbery, 1st degree assault and armed criminal action. My friend and her husband started talking to lawyers about suing the police department and started putting money into his jail account.
I told her she was nuts to attract the attention of the local police like that but she would go on a rant about how they are out to get this guy so I dropped it. Another friend told me she had seen my friend's husband at a house in town that was the local drug house and said she was pretty sure he was selling drugs. I confronted my friend and she denied that they sold drugs or had anything to do with that. Then a friend I have that works in the local emergency management that also controls 911 and police dispatch told me that the police are watching my friend and her husband sure they are selling drugs for this guy in jail and putting money into his account. They are putting quite a bit of money in there I guess which is very suspicious for people who do not work, and yet they have that kind of money.
Now my friend and her husband got a new truck. She told me her husband traded his motorcycle for it. I assumed it was an older truck. My friend in 911 told me they probably used drug money for the truck, I told her they traded a motorcycle for it. She gave me a look and said that was bullshit and asked if I had seen the truck. I admitted I had not and she said it is an almost brand new truck so there was no way a three thousand dollar motorcycle was traded for a fifteen thousand dollar truck. She is right, There is no way. I saw the truck yesterday, It is a newer 4 door pick up truck that is worth way more then a motorcycle.
I feel horrible, she is my best friend but my other friends are right. They have way too much money and neither of them work. She called and asked if I wanted to go out and I told her I did not feel up to it. I have a little girl with another due very soon and I need to think of my children first. I told my husband everything I found out and he agreed it was for the best to back off, but god this hurts. I don't want to loose my friend but I do not see what else I can do.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 8:42:12 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		This is one of the worst things about drug/alcohol addiction. I am guessing that they deal just so that they can maintain a habit and I could be wrong but I've rarely seen a dealer that didn't use.

Is there any chance that this friend is really just kind of "stuck"? I mean; does she truly believe that what he's doing is right or is she scared to death to reach out for help? That may be something to consider. You might be the person who can help her climb out of this.

That aside, self-preservation is an important and necessary drive for all of us. I know this hurts and I wish I had more to offer.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 8:45:56 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 8:47:21 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Im sorry you are faced with what has to be a pretty heartbreaking decision. Unfortunately this is a bad situation all the way around and honestly I think that all signs are pointing to exactly what you are thinking right now. Even though it hurts, you have to trust your gut instinct. This is a big mess in the making that you dont want to get dragged down into. Protecting your family and yourself is ultimately way more important in the long run.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 8:48:17 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Not going to sugar coat this...your other option is giving birth in jail as an accomplice. Stay as far away from this as possible for your own safety.
I have 2 addicts in the family & rational choices don't register with them. Your friend is going to jail & will try to use you to "help her" even if it means sharing a cell. Run far, run fast

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 9:13:32 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		Yes I think she is using drugs. She has had way too many nights she told me she was up all night hyper. I told my friend that works in 911 and she said meth will do that. I have tried talking to her. Two other friends have said things to her and she either denies it or gets angry and loud. She is not interested in help and at this point if she told me she was trapped and needed out I would tell her to go to her family in another state to get away.

I agree I need to back away and let her go down the path she has chosen. Yes she will go to jail, she will loose her children as well as all her other friends. What ever made her think she could get away with this in a town of barely a thousand people is beyond me. From what I was told the police did not find enough evidence to get a warrant, but they are watching and waiting to catch them and when they do I do not want to be anywhere around her. I do not want to ride in her car wondering if she has any drugs or have her in mine wondering if she will leave anything to hide it in my car.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/14/2013 10:08:22 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		You're in an OMG difficult situation. If it were someone you really didn't care about, it would be easy to just cut it all off but that's not reality. You can't just cut it off because you care.

This said, you can't let them take you down with them. Getting charged as an accomplice as was mentioned above is extremely unlikely as that has a number of requirements of support to a crime. However, getting charged with drug possession if she's in your car could easily happen. If police pull you over for some reason (say a speeding violation) and see drugs on the floor board beneath her seat........They will charge someone with possession and it will be the driver of the car unless someone else who is in the car admits to it being theirs.

A suggestion that you might find able to live with is to not be available to take her places in your car or have her over to your home or go to her home. Suddenly become very busy.

If you're married or live with someone, talk to them about playing a game of good cop/ bad cop with your significant other playing the role of bad cop. You can't go out with her or have her over because you promised your SO something or your SO doesn't like you having friends over. Just make sure your SO knows and is ok with this.

My final and BIGGEST MONSTER ASS warning is to be ready for the day when she asks to spend the night at your house. If she's hiding from an arrest warrant, you won't be guilty of a crime in letting her stay so long as you don't lie to police about her being there but the same issue applies here that applied with the car. What if she brings drugs and leaves them in your home? Also consider the safety of yourself as well as anyone else who lives there before letting her visit for any amount of time. This is where the spouse playing bad cop could be really handy as she can't argue or debate with someone who's not in the conversation. "I can't because it would make _______ mad."

You can distance yourself without making it a direct argument and finding excuses to only be with her in public places.

On a final note (which I'm sure you know), never EVER lie for her. That can quickly rise to a criminal level.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 2:05:04 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I've been in the same boat. Get out before it sinks.

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Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 3:09:59 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		Honey, I went through something similar with a friend recently, and let me tell you...if people around you are telling you one thing, and your friend is telling you another, believe the other people. Other people have no incentive to lie to you, and given that you probably hang out with your friend on her property, in her car, etc., you may want to distance yourself so you don't get caught up in whatever mess they are in.

My former bestie self-medicates with alcohol. One by one, all of her friends are sobering up and she's flipping all of us the bird. She literally left me stranded at night, no car or anything, to sit on a bar stool because she found a guy with a deep wallet and couldn't be bothered to drive me to the train station. Leave while you still can. You can always call to check on her and support her emotionally, but seriously...look out for yourself and be careful.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 3:26:09 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
I'll add my condolences. But given what you say, I can't support certain of the suggestions you've been given. If you don't want to betray her, then don't lie to her. No phony excuses, or blaming your withdrawl on your husband. Neither hold the promise of leading to anything good, and either could lead to something distinctly unpleasant.

K.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 5:10:42 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		It does hurt to loose a best friend. I had a friend I had known since we were just highschoolers, who I had to faze out of my life because she was a user and a fair weather friend.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 6:02:53 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline 		I'm sorry your in this situation.

IMO I think you need to sit down with her face to face and have a real conversation with her about your concerns. I think that you need to be honest with her, as a friend you owe her that. The truth may hurt but making excuses and lying will hurt you both even more. Make it clear that you love her but you love you more and this decision is hard for you but ultimately it's what you have to do for you.

If you don't take care of you.
How can you take care of anyone else?





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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 6:18:40 AM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline 		OP, you're in an extremely difficult situation. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

But like Kirata, I'm of the opinion that making excuses or blaming somebody else is not the way to help her, and won't lead to anything beneficial for you. If she wants to ride in your car or spend the night in your house, just flat-out tell her no. I know it would be hard, because you really want to help. But until she's willing to listen to your advice and allow you to help, she won't accept any help you might give her. Not true help, anyways, the kind that will help her to recover from her addiction and not touch drugs again.

One of my clients was arrested (he turned himself in) over two weeks ago for trafficking in heroin (I have serious issues with this, but that's another thread, and not one I could start right now), and he didn't get bailed out until yesterday afternoon. He'd be using heroin for years before that, despite the pleas of his girlfriend to get clean (how he got a girl like her, I will never understand...pretty, smart, not on drugs, and she put up $5000 to get him out of prison). Now, he's serious about getting clean. Getting arrested was a shock to him that has done him a lot of good. He may or may not end up doing time in prison, but I'm very hopeful that he will get himself out of the culture that he was in.

As sad as it would be, your friend might need a similar shock. She may need to face the prospect of jail time to realize what she needs to do. The prospect of losing a close friend could have a similar impact. Don't lie to her; there's no shame in telling her that her choices make it impossible for you to be around her.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 7:25:09 AM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline 		To echo the others: This is a shitty situation for your friend to have put you in. I'm sorry for all the heartache.

While I understand the temptation (because it feels like obligation) you'd be a fool to risk your self and your family to try and make things easier on your friend. I agree that the best thing (though maybe not easiest) is to maintain the honesty on your side of the relationship. Let her know that you aren't willing to risk what she's asking just by wanting a ride in your car or a cup of coffee in your house, or you in hers. You might find that she has to have a serious shock to her life (arrest, losing custody of her children, etc.) in order to see the light, so to speak.

At that point, you might re-assess your options regarding helping her out or providing some kind of helping hand. But, I wouldn't think about anything like that until/ unless that time comes. Certainly don't mention it to her.

Best of luck.

As an aside, aren't your friends who work in E911 going out a pretty dangerous limb by discussing ongoing investigations?

_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 8:39:56 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		Yes my friend in 911 did go out on a limb to talk to me. She said she went back and forth about saying anything to me but decided that I needed to know. She asked me to please not say anything to my other friend about this since it could not only be her job but her other friends job who is an officer that told her.

My friend in 911 feels just as bad and shocked as I was. When he first told her anything she defended my friend to the officer saying there is no way she would have anything to do with drugs. He did not back down and said you are wrong and she is going to go to jail sooner or later and if her kids are around they will go to a foster care.

Then I had my baby shower. My friend in 911 was there as well as my best friend. My friend in 911 is getting a criminal justice degree so she can get a job in law enforcement. They went out for a cigarette and my best friend asked if she could ask her some legal questions. They came back in an hour later and when my friend in 911 was getting ready to leave she whispered for me to call her when the others were gone. I did and she told me I would never believe it but she is in this all the way and she admitted to have used drugs to her as well as knowing the drug dealer in jail used drugs as well. Then told her he was the only one she would ever trust with a key to her home and with her children. Up to that point we all assumed it was all her husband who was doing this and lying to her and she had nothing to do with it.

No she would never hide at my house from the police. Honest she has family a few hours away in another state she would hide at first. This is a tiny town and it would take the police about 5 minutes to figure out where she was if she was at my house.
She has her own car so I do not give her rides, but we used to go out together alot.
I do not have to lie to her about anything. She already knows how I feel, I made that clear one of the times I confronted her. She denies it to me. It is a bit easier to back off since I am due to have a baby in a few weeks. It just hurts not being able to call and invite her over to hang out like I used to. Her and another friend and I hang out a lot and I have the largest house so we have always done things at my house. I just planned out my little girls birthday party and did not invite her. I feel horrible and cried on the phone to my other friend. She understands completely and feels just as bad but agrees with me.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 9:07:37 AM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline 		It's a shitty situation, and sometimes doing the right thing hurt more than it ought to. Like grief, that feeling will eventually lessen, but it still sucks.

_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 7:38:59 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		You have already betrayed your friend. She should cut ties with you.

Consider yourself lucky if they don't send a customer who owes them money over to beat you, or your family, or burn your damn house down, for talking to the cops about the them.

I sure the fuck wouldn't want a "friend," who talks to the law about my business.

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That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 8:21:18 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

You have already betrayed your friend. She should cut ties with you.

Consider yourself lucky if they don't send a customer who owes them money over to beat you, or your family, or burn your damn house down, for talking to the cops about the them.

I sure the fuck wouldn't want a "friend," who talks to the law about my business.


I don't know why you think she talked to "the law." She said her friend works in 911, which, given the context and some other phrases in her posts, tells me that she works as a dispatcher or something along those lines, not as a law enforcement official. Further, it seems as if that friend is really putting her job at risk by not talking to her employers about criminal activity she knows is taking place. And finally, the friend that is using drugs actually spoke to the friend that works in 911 herself and admitted to using drugs.

At no point has the OP broken her friend's confidences. Indeed, for that very reason, the OP probably feels torn between two alternatives, neither of which she wants. She can either actually talk to the police, which could easily result in an arrest, prosecution, and conviction of her friend, not to mention that the friend may well feel unable to trust the OP for a significant period of time, if she's ever able to; or the OP can allow her friend to continue down the road she's on, destroying her life and putting her kids in jeopardy.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 8:45:30 PM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		tommy...just for the record, yes, the friend in 911 not only opened her mouth when she shouldn't have, but also just violated about 3 different laws a far as disseminating the information. Her leaking of information could actually cause the department to lose their computers and certification. She needs to shut her mouth before she gets caught or overheard.....and trust me, she will, and she'll lose her job, no if's and or buts about it. And she can be charged criminally for her actions, especially if she's leaking information on an ongoing investigation.

OP, you need to quit this situation, and fast. They made their bed, let them lie in it. The last thing you need is to be involved in any part of whet your friend is doing. By all means, tell her what your thoughts are, and why you're backing away, if that will make you feel better. And also, don't mention any information your 911 friend is telling you, that makes you an accomplice in the commission of her illegal acts.

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RE: I fear I am loosing my best friend - 2/15/2013 9:46:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The right thing to do is to no longer be supportive of her. As long as you accept her claims, you are enabling her. Tell her that if and when she gets clean and sober, you will be happy to see her. But until that day comes, if ever, you don't want her near you or your children.

You might want to go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings. They can be helpful in disentangling your emotions.

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