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patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 7:30:52 PM

gardenbluebird

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Joined: 5/9/2006
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i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand. It's a lack of patience. Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

Post #: 1

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 7:40:14 PM

enigmabrat

Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
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No im with you on this one... none of it makes any sence.. it is very disturbing to hear "Im moveing in with Master in a few days"
and then to find out they have never even been in the same room

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(in reply to gardenbluebird)

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RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 7:54:22 PM

theRose4U

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Joined: 8/22/2005
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Part of this trend I chalk up to mental illness. Part of this trend I chalk up to wanting to "belong" so they jump in full force without any regard to common sense. They decided yesterday that they are a slave and this person is willing to let them be that in some form so they drop everything and move sight unseen.
These are unfortunately the examples of our lifestyle that will eventually either end up on Jerry Springer or the evening news. No wonder people think we're freaks!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to enigmabrat)

Post #: 3

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:01:11 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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People have always been in a hurry, why should it change now?

I do not necessarily think I would make these choices, but I fail to see how the choices others make cheapens what I do in my life. Because someone gets married after knowing each other one day (and it has happened btw) doesnt cheapen all marriages. In fact length of courtship is not an indicator of success in a relationship, other than people who date each other longer than a year have a decreasing chance of success the longer they wait to tie the knot.

I do not care what others do other than they might end up hurting themselves, so I might hand them advice, but they are going to do what they want anyhow... regardless of what anyone says. I tend to accept people as they are instead of how I think they should be for the most part... The way they are has diddly squat to do with me... just my opinion... etc

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 4

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:12:49 PM

HollyS

Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand. It's a lack of patience. Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

I tend to agree with you, but what constitutes an appropriate length of time to do just about anything varies from person to person. I move pretty slowly in this lifestyle compared to other people, but it works for me. Other people would likely be bored stiff to move at my pace. As someone else said - to each their own.

I've heard people toss the terms "sub frenzy/dom frenzy" around sometimes to explain why new people often throw themselves in head-first. All I can say is when people first discover their place within WIITWD, lots of times they may feel very conflicted and want to know everything all at once. If they've come to the lifestyle later in life, they may feel the need to make up for lost time by hooking up quickly. If they're still closeted, they may be desperate for someone to help them understand, looking to the first person who sounds knowledgeable or offers an outstretched hand. When people want something so badly, they often suspend their own common sense. I see velcro collaring and revolving partners as a sign that someone is trying too hard. Happens to lots of people.

~Holly

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(in reply to gardenbluebird)

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RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:25:15 PM

badpaliden

Posts: 96
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Lets see. were you raised with instand coffee,instant potatoes,instant messager.?. Email ,instead of regular paper letters?
We are becomming a world of instant wish gratfacation , I think.
WE live our lives in forth gear and try to tach out our days for all we can get out of them.. could there be a coralation? OR..... Could it be that the people who are jumping in to things just arnt ingageing the ol grey matter? Then there is the old addage about fools and angels...*chuckels*

_____________________________

stolen from slavish..."My ESP's broken and it nullifies my mind-reading abilities. I could've gotten the extended warranty but it was three hundred bucks and it didn't seem worth it at the time."

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

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RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:46:15 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
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I think in the marketing world, it's known as impulse buying. I tend to make a shopping list and adhere to it. Do i need it? Will i use it? Can i afford it? The last one prevents me from rushing into anything...

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(in reply to gardenbluebird)

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RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:47:36 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Although I agree somewhat I also think we exaggerate the depth to which we have sunk too. For example it used to be rather common for people to do what was called eloping, girls got pregnant and had shotgun weddings, people used to get drunk and married in vegas. In other cultures it has not been uncommon for people to marry someone they never met because it was arranged for them. I think that these things for the most part are inadviseable, but they are hardly anything new.. it just goes to a whole new level because we are not limited to someone next door or in the same city to act impetuously with anymore, we can find reckless people from all over the world

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to badpaliden)

Post #: 8

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:55:41 PM

hhhkane

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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A relationship means different things to different people. To some, it has deep meaning, so they'll take their time in getting to know their partner before jumping into anything. For others, relationships and marriage mean nothing these days as displayed by our increasing divorce rate. Taken that factor into acoount, may explain part of the reason why people could easily jump into a serious relationship like living with someone or marrying them. Heck, to them they had nothing to lose because they had nothing much to gain from it anyway.

(in reply to badpaliden)

Post #: 9

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 8:57:55 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand. It's a lack of patience. Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

I am the kind of person that likes a "slow groove" to the beginnings of a relationship.
I find it one of the most delicious times in a relationship, before real life smacks us back to reality and we then rearrange ours lives to accommadate that.

So I take pleasure in and absolutely enjoy taking the beginnings of a relationship at a romantically entrenched excitingly slow pace.
Plus it aslo helps make everything that follows a much more deep and moving experience.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

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But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 10

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 9:22:58 PM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
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In 1989 I logged onto one of those telephone party lines that were so popular. On March 24th, I met someone and April 7th the same year we were married... we were together in a loving, supportive wonderful marriage for 12 years. We divorced simply because we grew in different directions. I still love him and he loves me, but it's mellowed to friendship and cooperative parenting of our wonderful boys at 16 and 22 (he adopted my son from a previous relationship).

Seven years ago I was a regular in a chat room. On March 23rd cubby walked in and lightning struck! On April 6th the same year cubby stepped off a bus and has never left my side since... (trust me, the similarities in dates has occurred to me ~giggles~ cubby tends to isolate me during late March early April these days - LOL)

I don't know if it's lack of patience on my part or just recognizing when someone wonderful enters my radar... ~shrugs~

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 11

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 9:26:02 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
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quote:

Champagnewishes (the prudent dear) says: I think in the marketing world, it's known as impulse buying. I tend to make a shopping list and adhere to it. Do i need it? Will i use it? Can i afford it? The last one prevents me from rushing into anything...

Glances into her shopping cart...glances into Mine and notes 4 bottles of champagne...2 boxes of cookies...6 doz. condoms...3 bags of cheese curls...1 small color TV...a copy of the Weekly World News......

SHOPPING LIST? is THAT how they do that?

impulsively, E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 12

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 9:47:25 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand. It's a lack of patience. Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships. Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

I think you have a very good and valid point. I'd take it one step further. The older I get the more I realize that impatience is the root cause of a great many of the problems people have in life. What causes most car accidents? Impatient drivers in too big a hurry to get somewhere. What causes a lot of people to drown in debt? The "Got to have it NOW!" syndrome. Why do so many people start exercise programs then give up after a couple of weeks or so. Not seeing results fast enough.

The impatience you're seeing in BDSM is much the same thing. People are in such a big hurry to find an Owner or property that they think that compatible kinks are all that's needed for compatible people. "Oh, you like A, B, C, D, E, and especially F? So do I, want to be my slave?" "Sure, please collar me."

That just doesn't work, or at least it rarely does. Trying to skip the "getting to know one another" phase is asking for disaster. True, some people here will tell you that they skipped this phase and everything's worked out fine. I think those cases are lucky accidents and for every case where it has worked out, there have probably been at least twenty where it didn't.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 13

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 10:03:06 PM

timeoutgurlie

Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Although I agree somewhat I also think we exaggerate the depth to which we have sunk too. For example it used to be rather common for people to do what was called eloping, girls got pregnant and had shotgun weddings, people used to get drunk and married in vegas. In other cultures it has not been uncommon for people to marry someone they never met because it was arranged for them. I think that these things for the most part are inadviseable, but they are hardly anything new.. it just goes to a whole new level because we are not limited to someone next door or in the same city to act impetuously with anymore, we can find reckless people from all over the world

Couldn't have said it better

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 10:26:47 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

I agree. Patience is my most common, and least followed, counsel. I tell people that if it is a strong relationship, and it is good today, it will be able to sustain waiting 3 months or 6 months to make sure. The only time to hurry is if you're uncertain it will last. If it lasts, the trappings can come whenever... there's no rush. You can plan, and wait, and anticipate, and enjoy --- and everything will work out like it is supposed to.

ZWD

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 15

RE: patience in relationships - 6/20/2006 11:44:49 PM

ZenDragoness

Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
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Patience is a virtue and a very difficult discipline. In every religious and/or spiritual tradition i know, patience is necessary to reach understanding.

This is the same for relationships.

But, there are situations were the clear feeling that the other person is a good person for oneself in this time is so strong, that you have to act accordingly. If you look at the currently running thread concerning playing at the first meeting you will notice, that there are some couples like me husband and me, who against all odds and usual behaviour rushed to each other and it turned out good.

I will act the same concerning a non sexual/sm relationship, from time to time i meet somebody and know at the same moment, that this human being will be with me for some time,,,,or longer.

In the long run you will need patience again, because no relationship flourishes without patience, respect, love (in one of the many facets that love has) and humour.

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http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

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RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 12:21:03 AM

CrescentLuna

Posts: 89
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline

There are plenty of people in the world I look at and say "Guh, why did they do that? Why didn't they wait? Why didn't they do something differently? They're obviously much more miserable than myself and my love are." As a friend to them, or a stranger in an internet forum - I can advise them respectfully.
Of course, I was once advised that if I followed my then-sweetheart away from home, he'd leave me pregnant and alone before I turned 20. Well, I'm 21 now. Not with that guy, without any children or pregnancies. If I hadn't left home, I wouldn't have met the guy I'm with now, whom I love dearly.
I wish people the grace to accept whatever happiness they've gotten out of their 5-day collaring and learned how to make it last more than 5-days - if that is what they wish.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 17

RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 3:12:51 AM

D1961wildchild

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing

I agree. Patience is my most common, and least followed, counsel. I tell people that if it is a strong relationship, and it is good today, it will be able to sustain waiting 3 months or 6 months to make sure. The only time to hurry is if you're uncertain it will last. If it lasts, the trappings can come whenever... there's no rush. You can plan, and wait, and anticipate, and enjoy --- and everything will work out like it is supposed to.

ZWD

I could not have put it better myself and there is so much to learn about eachother while making plans for the future .... Though I would have dearly loved to be 24/7 with Sir, it was a godsend that the new job meant I would have to live almost 2 hrs drive from Him durring the week. It made it possible for us to take it slower and the anticipation of the week ends make them all the more sweet. Relationships need a solid foundation, as a general rule this is acheived with time spent getting to know and understand eachother.

"Rome was not built in a day"

_____________________________

formally redheadedfire4u ...
Driver1961's redheadedfire now lol ...
warm smiles to all

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 18

RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 4:11:40 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

LOL at mental illness. People are going to do whatever they are going to do. Sometimes it will be right, sometimes not. And I think you are right. The urge to belong is so strong that they jump in without thinking. However, sometimes it works out ok, too.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 19

RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 4:54:16 AM

HisTicia

Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

While in some ways you do have a point.. I also don't think it's anyones place to sit in judgement of others relationships and feelings for each other. Just because something is right for one .. doesn't mean it is for the other. You have not lived that persons life..nor had their experiences..perhaps they have done everything the "right" way all of their lives..but those things didn't work..and the ones that were maybe done the "wrong" way in life did. I think there is no way to know things until you live them..none.

What I have found is that it's so much easier to look at other ppl and say.. you shouldn't be doing this..than to look at our own lives and see what's wrong in them...like I said..what's good for you..and perfect..and seems right..may not be for me..there is no way for anyone to know that. What was acceptable 100 yrs ago.. may not be now..and vice versa.. times change..ppl change.. sometimes things move fast..sometimes very slow.. it depends on the ppl..and the situation.

I for one.. am in that situation..and may be one of the posters you are talking about..though I won't rush judgement on that issue. People have to understand.. I am not in the position where I am tied here. I don't have kids.. I don't have a smashing career.. a mortage.. lots of family....things of that nature.. so I don't have the things to think about and consider that someone with those things might have. While to some... it might seem very impulsive..they have not been in my life..nor lived it...and have really know idea about me but what they have seen written on the boards. I don't assume I know all about anyone from these.. I just assume I know parts of them..and maybe if they are completely truthful, a bit of their personality and such.

Am I nervous..yes..who wouldn't be? Am I scared for my life..no..not by any means. I could sit here and talk on the phn..and try to meet sometime in the next year or two like so many do.. or I can get out there and live life..take a chance..and see if this love is as wonderful as it seems from here. Yes, there is a chance taken..but I would always hope that I would take chances for happiness any time that I could.. I don't want to sit here and miss one second of those moments with Him.

Things have not always went perfect when chances were taken..but.. sometimes those chances lead us to something or someone great. That I feel is my case.. no.. I haven't always had things work out perfect..but now I can see that in the time of things..that so many things led me to this point..this time in my life..and to Him.

I don't think that I take any relationship less seriously than anyone else..and that also is a rush of judgement..sometimes it takes many months or years to build..and sometimes.. it's perfect.. or you just connect. I have known ppl who got married after knowing and dated for 2 or 3 yrs...and stayed married a year or maybe less..on the other hand.. I have known those that dated for 2 weeks..and it lasted for 30yrs.. so who is really to say? I take marriage..and collaring very seriously... in the beginning.. when I first started in bdsm.. I didn't take the collar thing to be that big of a deal.. I admit..but as I read about it..and studied.. I realized what a huge commitment that is. I consider marriage very sacred..and consider the collar right up there with it. I don't have my collar yet.. I will get it.. but we will do it when we are ready..not when everyone thinks we are ready. I am owned and not collared...but that is another thread..and I answered it there..so won't here.

Sometimes.. things just fall into place... sometimes.. we should question out the ass..other times.. we should just accept them..and enjoy the ride that they bring. That is where I am at now..and I am sure I am not the only one. There are only so many chances in this life for "true love" if that is what you want to call it... why pass one up? Just because society thinks you should.... well...from what I have seen of society as of late...they really don't have the place to judge from.

Just remember this... to someone somewhere....the way you life your life.. is wrong...does that then make it so?

Regards, Ticia

PS..Not all remarks were directed at the OP.. I just don't have the patience to pick apart and quote this morning..so OP.. please don't feel slammed in the context of this message... Ticia

PPSS.. To the poster using the term "mental illness" even if it were used in jest..that is a big broad term to be throwing around anywhere. Being gay..bdsm..and I am sure many other kinks..lifestyles and such are considered mental illnesses by some very famous and not so famous doctors ...so before you lump ppl together in that category..know that with that.. you are also lumping yourself. Who is crazy..the one letting someone tie them up to be whipped...or the one whipping.. to some.. one, the other, or both are... to us.. probably neither is.. it's all from the viewpoint of the one judging.

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 20

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