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RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 5:04:58 AM   
Mistrix


Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline 		I won't speak for others, only for myself and as for MYSELF, I need TONS of time to be able to say, okay, let's collar you.  Loyalty, time, and lots of communication is important to me.  I feel its better to be in each other's environments to really get to know each other and see how far it can go.
Online and real life are two different situations totally.  I can't imagine moving in with someone only knowing them from online.  I could be getting into something unknown. 



_____________________________

I am a Woman, above everything else.

One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 5:43:28 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The good news is that life is self-correcting.  It will force the people involved to slow down and backtrack at some point to go over the important points. 

The bad news is that the more this process is skipped in the beginning, the harder it is to process later AND people who aren't able to go through the process will find themslves constantly enmeshed in drama and not a stable relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 6:01:05 AM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		i suppose there are as many different approaches to life as there are people.  While i am not totally averse to taking a risk i do tend to think very long term.  It's both my personality and my life.  i have unmentionables, cargiving to two adults (one disabled, the other very elderly), a good job and many draws on my income.  My life is carefully held in balance and the last thing i need is chaos.

As you can imagine that is a lot a weight on the shoulders of a slave.  So when i chose a Master i do so with significant care and with the idea that it will last at least months, hopefully years.  i need someone who will enhance and add joy to my life and i hope to do the same for Him.  I definately don't need someone who will add more stress and worries.  i am also quite tolerant of life's ups and downs and the one thing i don't do is run at the first sign of trouble.

i don't make a habit of judging others, i simply find it puzzing when others seem to invite the chaos that i work so hard to avoid.

(in reply to HisTicia)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 6:23:02 AM   
HisTicia


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I guess if chaos is considered waking up to the man I love every morning...taking care of His home..spending time as a family..and then falling asleep in His arms every night..then bring the chaos on.
 
                                   Respectfully, Ticia

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha


(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 6:49:34 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Fast Food, Fast Cars, Fast Money  ..... Fast Relatioships....


It seems to be the way of society these days.  Myself... I am out of the race.  So I am taking my time.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 6:52:37 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		At least you didn't say Fast Lane.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 6:53:47 AM   
littlechameleon


Posts: 22
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

While I do agree there are many who want a Master or a collar for the sake of having one – I don’t believe it necessarily has anything to do with patience as much as it does a lack of maturity and understanding.  I don’t see myself this way nor do I see everyone who ‘takes a chance’ this way.

I didn’t wait six months or even three.  I believe myself capable of going through “the process” – I simply chose not to.  I chose in this instance to believe in my instincts and in fate.  Although it didn’t end up disastrous, I fully acknowledge it could have.  I was willing to take responsibility if it did.

It’s been a year now.  Maybe I’m different in the respect that I don’t believe in ‘forever.’  I read the last page of a book first.  For me – its never about ‘will it end’ but about how, why and where it will end.  If it was over tomorrow, would I wish I had spent more time contemplating it? No.  I will still walk away feeling a better person for having had it.  It’s my opinion that’s truly the key.  Finding relationships that enlighten you, stimulate you, take you places – physically, emotionally and intellectually.  My relationship is already a success because it has done all that and more.


I was going through a rough time a few months ago and I emailed a dear friend of mine (one I’ve never met in person I might add) and I said to her, “Sometimes I feel like I waited hours to get on a ride that only lasted a couple minutes.” And she responded like this, “Tricia, yes, you’re right.  Sometimes it does seem like you wait in line forever--but once you are on that ride, buckle in and scream your head off, its good for you.”  And I have. 

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 7:28:41 AM   
BreakMeShakeMe


Posts: 339
Joined: 6/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand.  It's a lack of patience.  Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships.  Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?


Nope.. not at all. I've read about how quick are some to meet in r/l as well. Where I'm not one who feels ready to meet someone from on line in a week or two. Depending on how much communications has gone on. A week or two ..... to me personally.. is too soon. When I met Wolf.. we had been talking via internet and phone sense Dec. I met him over memorial weekend. Alittle too long in getting around to it... but his work.. and my reality stopped a couple of scheduled meetings. It happens. And he only lives about 2 hours from me. There is a couple local doms i've not met yet. For one reason or another. And it's mainly because i'm not one to rush and meet one right away. I got an e-mail from a dom who says he lives about 30-45 mins from me. First e-mail... he wanted to meet me right that day. Well.... he's still not met me....and he cut off the e-mails when I refused to cancel my oldest girls birthday party. Which only makes me even more happier that I had listen to my gut and not met him the week before.

So when I read these boards... I just smile when the discussions come up on time frames to meet. Time frames for collars. And yes, time frames when one finds themselves no longer in the relationship. But everyone sets their own time tables. And that's all fine and dandy. I'm not being disrespectful to the ones that do things so fast. Or fast as  I see it in my eyes. Not theirs. I just believe... that alot... not all.. think that because they're into this kink... lifestyle.... whatever someone wants to call it... they're still a courting faze. Just like in any off beat relationship. When you meet someone you want to know more of... spend time with... possible love... and live happily ever after... there's stages one goes through. I just see some on here... not all... get so caught up in things... they over look the rest of the fun journy. I call them the...I want It Now... group. Well.. they can have it all now... hope it works for them.. it just doesn't with me personally.

Jessica


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do, Skill is knowing how to, Virtue is just doing it.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 8:13:27 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		All human beings are different and all people have different levels of patience. For some almost everything is an impulse decision and they can fall down a lot and hopefully learn as they go. Others at the oppoisite end of the spectrum, are so cautious that they let life pass them by and do nothing. There simply is no right or wrong way.

There are just a lot of people that enter into relationships or deep levels of relationships too quickly. There are also people who stay in bad relationships too long. Patience is just a tricky thing.

For D/s relationships, particularly people who meet online, I do believe the whole process gets screwed up. Most do take their time before meeting, but once we meet there does seem to be a lot of impatience. I do think it is a case by case basis, but the pressure we put on ourselves based on excitement or need for these type of relationships where you just cannot not walk into a bar and pick up the perfect counterpart, really strains everybody's patient level.


_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to BreakMeShakeMe)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 8:19:59 AM   
Submotive


Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand.  It's a lack of patience.  Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships.  Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

i don't find it disturbing, just typical of today. As has been said here, everyone has grown accustomed to "instant" everything.  Personally i've found that it takes at least 3 to 6 months to start understanding another and know enough about their beliefs and habits to be able to decide if they are a match. Until such time i don't make commitments that aren't easily dissolved.  Yet, to each their own as we all deal with the results of our decisions - quick or not.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 8:25:00 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

i am seeing a theme in a number of threads that i simply don't understand.  It's a lack of patience.  Everything from being collared within days (then uncollared just as quickly), getting upset and wanting to leave over a bad mood that lasts a week or two, to moving in with a Dom that one hasn't even met in real time.

To me this kind of rush takes away the value of relationships.  Why is everyone in such a hurry? Am i the only one who finds this disturbing?

Oh, it's alarming all right.  Think to be the dominant who was just negotiating a first meeting with a gentleman that she's been talking with for several months now.  He says that he's available to meet her on Thursday. He doesn't answer emails or phone calls over the weekend. On Tuesday, he finally replies and says he was busy over the weekend because HE WAS JUST COLLARED.  Better still, he asks that she'll still consider him 'in case something doesn't work out.'

That was me, two weeks ago.  I'm all for talking and meeting someone, but the overnight collaring and moving when you've never even met someone is a bit extreme for my tastes.  The things people do just never cease to amaze me.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 8:40:51 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		There are three reasons I can think of which I see regularly about fast relationships in all areas of society.
  1. The first group are the younger ones who have grown up with the instant gratification revolution (I want it and I want it NOW!) The older values which did teach patience and balance are out the window with no probability of returning untill the world is almost blasted away and new tribes are boprn and we again live in a tribal or feudal system (As I always say: As long as I'm a Feudal and not a serf)...
  2. The second group mostly consists of those who are getting older and possibly think that this is their last hope and fear that they will be left behind (Sad but this group usually has severe self esteme problems).
  3. The third and final group are those of any age who have given up hope mostly due to self worth issues and will take the first offer which comes along.

Many of us at one stage of our lives or another have either fallen into the trap or have come close, Goddess knows I've been there a couple of times when I've beed serially gut kicked and lost all hope and was half a second of blowing my brains out and no hope of any future. Dispair does horrific things to the mind and self worth......

< Message edited by IronBear -- 6/21/2006 9:09:47 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 9:01:32 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I will have to search for that study that was done about courtship length being no guarantee of marriage success. There is a reason for this, people who are not "crazy" about each other usually either do not get married or have to be dragged into it. Love makes people crazy. Love makes people rush into things. I am talking about the chemistry of love. The reaction your brain has to another person (most of us call this infatuation). We do not want to be without that person, we throw caution to the wind. Marriages that start this way are more likely to succeed than ones that take 5 yrs to drag one of the participants to the altar. Now I know we are talking BDSM relationships.. but love is love is love.


I have read some mightily big generalizations and judgments on this subject here in this thread. It seems the same people that played with others on the first meet are responding to this thread about how insecure and crazy people are for rushing into things.. oh the irony

I knew my exhubby for well over a year. He was my brother's best friend. He got hooked on coke after we got married and also became abusive. I guess all that time I spent getting to know him was wasted huh? And no he never hit me before we got married.

My sister knew a guy for a week that she moved in with... wow... she and my brother inlaw have been married for over 20 years.

I wouldnt jump off the deep end over a relationship. I never have done it. Personally I was afraid for many years to incorporate a man into my life because of my son and wanting to make sure I didnt't screw up and move in someone that was not to be relied on. But I can tell you, if I wanted to rush into something after my son was raised, it wouldnt be due to self esteem, it would be because I was free to. I have a very impetuous streak. Hence I have played on the first date, and recently I might add.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/21/2006 9:04:55 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:00:02 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I have read some mightily big generalizations and judgments on this subject here in this thread. It seems the same people that played with others on the first meet are responding to this thread about how insecure and crazy people are for rushing into things.. oh the irony


Julia,
That is a great point. But I don't think the play on the first meeting and representing you are in a "relationship" after the first meeting are the same. We were 'players' on the day we met, but we were not Master/slave for a subsequent long time. Not only did we not know each other well enough but we didn't even have common definitions for the words used to describe the relationship we wanted. Until we agreed upon a single definition and created a personal dictionary we couldn't have a relationship. That process takes time and the patience that is noted by the OP.

Why is there is lack of patience? - FEAR.

I used to think it was envy; but seeing all the "worst case" scenarios played out on these threads I don't believe there is a cause for much envy.

There is social pressure to be a "couple"; increasing exponentially as every year flips on the calendar. Some people don't know themselves and don't like being alone with a 'stranger'. Others do know themselves and don't like the company. Alone, all your problems and all your failures have no source of comfort and no outside source of blame. Even personal success is shallow without someone to share the moment.

Seeking out someone and sharing a couple identity means you have a seat in the social game of musical chairs. You aren't the one singled out and pointed to as the "loser" who can't play in the game anymore until/unless you find another chair. So desperate is the desire that people will qualify clicking keys and the glow of web cam on a computer screen, or a disembodied never met voice on the end of the phone as a relationship.

Fear isn't only about not being part of a couple. The bigger fear comes with the alternative. Without someone else you have to be very happy and comfortable with yourself. The self assessment and evaluation needed to accomplish that can be a scary process. I believe it's an essential process to go through prior to seeking a relationship with another, but I don't know if that's a majority position. More often people tend to morph into something contingent upon what they believe another person desires. Ultimately that will fail because being something you are not, or acting outside your nature to please can not be maintained long term. As it occurs though you have a 'seat' in the game. When it fails you start again circling the chairs.

It's true there is a "seat for every ass" but to find it, to find one that fits perfectly, you have to know your ass intimately. As much as we need patience when finding another, you need patience with yourself. Go through the "know thyself" process and patience happens. Be happy being alone. Enjoy the company of you. The confidence conveyed will attract more regardless of which end of the flogger you are.

This doesn't mean not dating, or not playing even on the first meeting. A 'relationship' should be on another plane. Maybe labeling first time play as a 'relationship' is in and of itself a matter of definition.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:13:18 AM   
Taylore


Posts: 121
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		I think it all comes down to 'wanting' to be part of a couple. Master and I have known each other for 3 years. Until 3 months ago, I lived in California, and he lived in Texas. We both flew back and forth to see each other. It took me this long to make the move here, and even now, we do not live together. He has his house, I have my apartment. Our relationship is too important to rush.
 
However, Juliaoceania makes a valid point in saying that how others live is thier own business until it effects our own. If someone wants to rush this fast into a relationship, that is their business. All we can do is offer our own advice and hope that all works out well.
 

_____________________________

Taylore

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:22:01 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I'm alone 50-60% of the time, maybe more because my p/time partner lives in Japan. I enjoy living alone, I am never bored, I am working (I work for myself from home, I count that lucky) or I am amusing myself reading or doing some other activity. I never or at least rarely feel the need to distract myself by watching TV or listening to radio, I only watch and listen to programmes that interest me. I occasionally go out with friends and thank the lord I can go home and be alone and enjoy my own company. My eldest daughter lives locally so I'm not alone in the world. I wouldn't want it any other way, I just couldn't do with a full time partner getting in my way all the time. When my p/time partner visits from Japan with my youngest daughter or I visit her, our relationship is so much more intense because we don't see each other that often and the weeks we are together are fantastic. We are happy with the situation which I can understand is not for everyone. Alone is underrated and people who are alone really ought to stop fretting, you could be in a worse situation and have a full time partner shackled to you day and night.

As Sartre put it "If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company”

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 6/21/2006 10:24:39 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:52:06 AM   
callioperoseblue


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badpaliden

Lets see. were you raised with instand coffee,instant potatoes,instant messager.?. Email ,instead of regular paper letters?
We are becomming a world of instant wish gratfacation , I think.


Instant gratification?  That's not fast enough.  Nowadays, my desires should be fulfilled before they even become desires.  They should be anticipated and satisfied before I become aware of them.  Sheesh.....keep up badpaliden. 

(in reply to badpaliden)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:55:59 AM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lisa1978

All human beings are different and all people have different levels of patience. For some almost everything is an impulse decision and they can fall down a lot and hopefully learn as they go. Others at the oppoisite end of the spectrum, are so cautious that they let life pass them by and do nothing. There simply is no right or wrong way.

There are just a lot of people that enter into relationships or deep levels of relationships too quickly. There are also people who stay in bad relationships too long. Patience is just a tricky thing.

For D/s relationships, particularly people who meet online, I do believe the whole process gets screwed up. Most do take their time before meeting, but once we meet there does seem to be a lot of impatience. I do think it is a case by case basis, but the pressure we put on ourselves based on excitement or need for these type of relationships where you just cannot not walk into a bar and pick up the perfect counterpart, really strains everybody's patient level.



This is why it's suggested that people who meet online meet each other in person as soon as possible. If they wait a while to meet, then they build up all of these expectations while chatting online and/or on the phone so that when they do finally meet, they feel like they've done most of the work ahead of time. But the fact is that they haven't. So there's an illusion created by the online/phone interactions that causes people to hook up quicker when they meet in person. I've been there quite a few times, myself. I've talked to someone online for a while and the day we met up, we hooked up instead of taking the time to get to know each other in person first.


_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to lisa1978)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 10:56:00 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I'm alone 50-60% of the time, maybe more because my p/time partner lives in Japan. I enjoy living alone, I am never bored, I am working (I work for myself from home, I count that lucky) or I am amusing myself reading or doing some other activity. I never or at least rarely feel the need to distract myself by watching TV or listening to radio, I only watch and listen to programmes that interest me. I occasionally go out with friends and thank the lord I can go home and be alone and enjoy my own company. My eldest daughter lives locally so I'm not alone in the world. I wouldn't want it any other way, I just couldn't do with a full time partner getting in my way all the time. When my p/time partner visits from Japan with my youngest daughter or I visit her, our relationship is so much more intense because we don't see each other that often and the weeks we are together are fantastic. We are happy with the situation which I can understand is not for everyone. Alone is underrated and people who are alone really ought to stop fretting, you could be in a worse siItuation and have a full time partner shackled to you day and night.

As Sartre put it "If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company”


I think I'm similar...I'm a solitary person and spend a lot of time alone......being alone is one of the few *needs* I have. I can't be sure that I'd ever wish to share a living space with another person ever again. My work is a solitary occupation too.  I also am never bored.
As you say, it's not for everyone ...but it certainly is for me.

In response to the OP...If it does devalue relationships.....it's only theirs that's being so........therefore it doesn't disturb me at all.

agirl






(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: patience in relationships - 6/21/2006 11:02:11 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have read some mightily big generalizations and judgments on this subject here in this thread. It seems the same people that played with others on the first meet are responding to this thread about how insecure and crazy people are for rushing into things.. oh the irony


Playing with someone on the first meet is one thing.... But, Rushing into a life long commitment is an entirely different matter.

Frankly,  If Play is a demonstration of a lifelong commitment to someone... I sure wouldn't encourage them to play on the first meet.  However, If One can seperate Emotional Intimacy from Physical Intimacy, then it is very possible of these same people to play on a first meet but not rush the emotional Intimacy.  I suppose your inability to see anything but your own view point causes you to become critical of anything contray to it.  I suppose if you actually could appreciate the view point from other than your own... you would see that the only Irony is your own statements.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 6/21/2006 11:03:17 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 40
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