Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 1:13:25 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, full of grace. I appreciate the kind thoughts and words.- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to fullofgrace)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 1:31:33 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Why don't you start from scratch, forget about the labels, and see what happens.  To do that, you have to be completely honest with yourself and with him.  Tell him how you feel, make sure he understands that you're submissive and probably won't be fulfilled if the only man in your life is submissive, and see what happens.  There's really no telling how it will turn out, and it might just turn out nicely.

Don't worry yet about finding a dom couple, whether you're going to be called a "sub-sub couple," or some of the other things people have mentioned.  Those are all good ideas FOR WHEN THE TIME COMES, but for now just see how you and this other man connect.  Then you can decide together about how you will go about adding other people to your mix--or whether you even need to.

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 6/21/2006 1:33:11 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 1:36:05 AM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		I would be to be open and honest about my feelings.
If you are not it may ruin the friendship just as well.
A least if you are honest you will know where you each stand and can go on from there. If the friendship is solid and he is not interested solely because it would not work for him because his needs are that of being involved with a Domina, it should not damage the friendship, that is if you can go on just being friends.
Not acknowledging the attraction can very well intensify the fantasies. And who knows, he may be feeling the same.

P.S. Sorry to hear about your husband passing.

*Brightspot

< Message edited by brightspot -- 6/21/2006 1:38:57 AM >

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 1:47:40 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice, LordandMaster and Brightspot (and everyone). I am going to mention this to him and see what happens. I'll keep ya'll "posted." I need to get this off my chest and he probably deserves to know (he may already know and just isn't letting on. Thanks. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to brightspot)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 8:14:34 AM   
Master96


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Susan,

First I’m sorry for losing your husband.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou
Just a thought...there are happily married/partnered sub-sub couples on this site


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster
Don't worry yet about finding a dom couple


I think there is nothing wrong with having a relationship with this guy, and you both seek a Dom/Domme couple… or trying an open marriage, where you seek for a Dom, and he seeks for a Domme.

I came up with similar idea on this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/Consider_a_hetero_sub%3F/m_434979/tm.htm

And here is my idea:

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnsensual
quote:

ORIGINAL: Master96
Dear suggababy23,

In addition, I think lesbian relationship doesn't include sex only... as for other relationships as well. Could you be bi? Attracted to men sexually and females emotionally?

Master,


i think that's absolutely wonderful. the idea that a person can be bisexual in the sense they're attracted to men sexually and females emotionally. a friend of mine has this exact problem. she wants a man sexually but often finds that bonding with them emotionally is difficult--personally, i think she just picks the wrong guys but on with it. but, she also is attracted to women. she likes a woman's shape, her softness and the emotional side of a relationship but, as of now, cannot picture herself actually having sex with a woman. neither of us think there's something wrong with it--i want to get that across. she just can't picture it right now. she learned of her attraction to women somewhat recently and is still figuring things out.

i just wanted to compliment Master96 for introducing the idea to the conversation. Thank You very much.



quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
And - unless I miss my guess - that is not likely to happen here (unless someone is "doing me a favor", which is a nice thought, but I don't really want that for them (or me). I want them to be very happy also).


quote:

ORIGINAL: fullofgrace
...and it doesn't mean you won't find a dominant that is affectionate, caring, and kind, either.


I agree with fullofgrace, being a Dom doesn’t mean he should be harsh, apathy or indifference. If you are interested please share us you feeling on this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/Master%25%25%25%25_in_slaves'_eyes!/m_433779/tm.htm

Good luck,
Master96,

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 8:38:35 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Actually I don't equate being a Dominant with someone being harsh or unkind (unless it's for a scene forsome reason, for instance). I was with a Dominant for a year who was none of that - he was wonderful. I think I am attracted to this guy as a person (plus - he's Hot). I appreciate your thoughts and feedback. Thank you very much. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Master96)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 9:27:22 AM   
Master96


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Anytime Susan, you are most welcome.

Master96,


(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 9:40:48 AM   
HisTicia


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		First off, I am sorry about your loss.
 
You mentioned how he is there anytime you need him..and what a good friend he is..kind..etc.  Is it possible that for this moment in time.. a friend is all you really need?  That maybe he came into your life at a time when you really needed someone that could give that to you..and as so.. your affection may feel more than it is..not because they aren't true feelings..but because when we hurt like this..we tend to reach for something or someone of comfort..and with that..might read more into it than what we would normally. 
 
Please don't take this as a discount of your feelings in any way.  I lost someone very close to me..not that long ago..so I really don't put down what you feel at all. 
 
Or.. it could be something totally different.. you really weren't fulfilled in your marriage.. you weren't probably allowed to express yourself sexually at all..and now that you are "free" your hormones are in overdrive..and maybe trying to tell you something.  Maybe it will be something that will last..but right now.. after something so recent.. that is a long shot at even trying for..and with the way you say your thoughts are going.. probably not a good idea.  Sometimes..we just need affection..care..holding..and that feeling of being with someone (and I am sure you know what I mean)..and nothing more.
 
Then again.. I don't know exactly how you feel..so I can't ever say for sure..but the above are just some thoughts I had after reading all of your posts.  Sometimes.. you just have to live in the moment..and enjoy what it brings.. at times like this..we realize that more than than ever.
 
                My thoughts are with you, Ticia

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true. ~Buddha


(in reply to Master96)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 10:04:18 AM   
iliv2servher


Posts: 228
Joined: 5/17/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I logged off CM in April because I knew I wasn't ready to be on here as an "active" member (my husband died of bone cancer in February...



Hello, Susan.  I was also very sorry to hear of your loss.

quote:


I am really not ready to seek any kind of partner (or even a "friend" that could turn into a partner) - yet. I do really appreciate the friendship of one particular submissive guy's companionship...

He's completely a Submissive Male, no doubt about it. But he's been such a good friend (we've gone out to lunch a few times, talked on the phone, etc.), I've become physically attracted to him (he's cute. He's waaay Submissive, too, though) .



I don't think I can top LordDominik's thoughtful and well-written post, but I would just like to add that in your present state of grief, it is probably not a good idea to become romantically-involved with anyone, but then you already know that.

As for you (a submissive) being physically and possibly emotionally-attracted to another submissive, it isn't as uncommon as you may think.  In fact, I know of a Dom/Domme couple who are very high profile here in the Bay Area, so it can happen to those of any preference.

Even though I primarily identify as a submissive, I seem to attract submissive woman, many of whom I am quite fond of.  However, and for me, I do not believe that a submissive woman would be a good match as a lifetime partner.  Nevertheless, there was mutual physical and emotional attraction with each of these ladies.

Is there a chance for lasting love here?  Perhaps.  Based upon what you have written, it's hard to tell.  People in the scene who I personally know have gone through transitions where they went from one role to another until they finally found themselves.  Perhaps that can happen in your case...or not.

In your situation, and because of your recent loss, I doubt if you are able to make a rational decision with respect to whether or not this new relationship can work for you.


(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 10:44:10 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe I'm the only person to think this, but that won't be the first time. Maybe your attraction is part of your healing process. Maybe part of you, somewhere in your sub-conscience is saying "This has been/is hard, but you are/will be able to feel for someone again." Despite the greatest of tragedies in our lives, we always find a way to heal from our wounds and move on. Sometimes it happens faster then we think it should. But it happens none-the-less.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 10:50:39 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		You each are going to have to write all your decisions on paper and put them in the hat, for drawing.

Where do you want to go eat?
I don't know, where do you want to go eat?

It will last forever, and you guys will starve to death............LOLOL.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 12:42:56 PM   
ArtimisBlack


Posts: 154
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		Everyone one here has already given you such great advice, I only have one thing to add. You described being attracted to him as a "pretty delicious feeling" -enjoy the feeling and the freedom to experience it. No matter how the situation turns out, you'll have that. Hope evrything works out!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 2:15:28 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for the kind words. - Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 2:26:35 PM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Poor you. That's so sad.
On the question you raise, resist him. I am valiantly resisting attractive suitable vanilla men and just yesterday I was mulling this over - what I would gain would be someone to go out with, go to bed with, talk to, all those things you miss after a divorce but it would be completely unfair on them or me. I can't relate properly to vanilla men. I almost don't know how to "be" with them. So just don't let it go beyond talking to him. It's definitely worth hanging on to find the right dominant man otherwise you can get too stuck into something with someone very nice and attractive but without that key dominant element you need and then it's so hard to extricate yourself from that.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 2:29:21 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, I am tending to think it might be a bad idea myself. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/21/2006 4:00:36 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Why can't she have both?

quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

It's definitely worth hanging on to find the right dominant man otherwise you can get too stuck into something with someone very nice and attractive but without that key dominant element you need and then it's so hard to extricate yourself from that.

(in reply to ClassAct2006)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/22/2006 12:17:27 AM   
TeeGO


Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline 		I would love to find a submissive woman that I could have a relationship with and form a sub/sub couple.  In my opinion this would be the greatest thing.  The Ma'am I serve is submissive to her Dom but is otherwise a Domme.  To me it would be great if I could be part of a sub/sub couple serving them together.  To me the energy echange would be doubled being dominated together.  My mind runs wild with the thought of the things being done to a couple together.  You have a great opportunity to explore something that I think would be twice as good as a Dom/sub relationship.

But then again that's me and we all are all different.

best of luck whatever you do.

_____________________________

Life is a mystery to be explored. An open mind is a portal to wondrous experiences!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/22/2006 8:46:38 AM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I appreciate the advice, guys. Thanks for the feedback.

I really respect this man as a person - which is why I am asking myself: Where could this lead - romantically or even sexually? He is never going to want to tie me up and whip me, etc. Nor I him.


I wouldn't count on either of those things.  People change & people grow, and things happen and they find things that they never thought were appealing, suddenly become really, really hot.  Besides, what makes you think his submissive side is organized the same as yours?  He may have no desire to be tied & whipped.  His submissive streak might be more service oriented, or it might be fetishy...who knows?

Some subs stay firmly sub all their lives.  Some morph into dominants.  Some discover a switchy side.  My advice would be that if the human component is working, don't ditch the relationship only because of the perceived problem with the kink.  Talk it over, and explore some things (when you're ready).  You might have found someone who can give you exactly what you need, and you might find a side of yourself you didn't even know existed.

That's not to say it will work out, but I wouldn't abandon it without at least giving it a chance.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/22/2006 1:45:14 PM   
johnnywacks


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I'm very sorry for your loss.  I've lost dear friends, lovers, and family members (although not my spouse) so I know that it leaves big wholes in your life that don't every get filled in.

I think that people have SEVERAL different needs.  I think we need sex, and sexual release.  I think we have fantasies, some of which are truely fetishes - sexual urges that you really feel a powerful need to fullfill.  I think EVERYBODY has a need for companionship and trust and intimacy - which usually is something seperate from sex.  If we are lucky we can get that from the same person.  But often we need different people for different reasons.  And that's okay too.

My marriage for YEARS was devoid of intimacy.  We went through MONTHS without sex or even a warm embrace.  We had bad YEARS.  But we also had kids and some sense of companionship that kept us going.  My mother died while I as a child, and I just got "used" to not having any real affection.  You just naturally begin to assume that you don't really deserve it and it's okay not to get it. That's just the way life is. Get used to it.  My wife was raised by parents that trulely lacked any ability to be tender or supportive (and they still are that way after 50 years marriage, even with each other).   So not being supportive and intimate with each other sort of felt "normal" for both us in some fucked up way, and it wasn't until the entire marriage was disintegrating that I think we both realized that things needed to change.  Our behavior needed to change, and our attitudes. 

So I totally understand how you can end up in a relationship that is terrible, that is bad for you, but chugs along with it's own momentum.  I understand that WAY TOO WELL.  And it can really make you convinced that you aren't going to have anything better.  But as long as you have the remind yourself, that you deserve the relationship that you want, and you listen to that voice, then you will be okay.

If you trust the guy, then tell him.  But tell him everything.  Tell him that you are afraid he isn't your lifetime partner.  Tell him why.  If he really is a nice guy, who cares about you, then he will take your needs and considerations as important. If he doesn't, then he wasn't a friend anyways.  I mean, if you are BOTH truely submissive, with submissive needs, than he will probably have needs that you can't fulfill.  But that doesn't mean you can't be friends, or even partners.    A lifetime partner is really just somebody who has decided to travel with you through life.  It doesn't even mean s/he is ever going to satisify every need or urge you have.  The ONLY person who can that is you, not him or any other person.  All life partnerships involve compromse and sacrifice, but if that comprimise and sacrifice feels RIGHT, than it is right.  If it DOESN'T feel right, than it isn't. 

You have needs.  You have a lot of pain and turmoil right now, so it's only natural to seek companionship and intimacy. There really is no better way to discover that your life is NOT going to be full of pain and lonliness, then to have joy and companionship.  You can talk as much in therapy about the habits and conditions that lead you to pain.  But joy comes from actual life, and it ALWAYS takes risk.  And you deserve joy and companionship.   You also deserve to have as much healing time as you want, and if that includes breaking down at the supermarket, then great.  Go ahead.

As long as you are both honest with each other (and honest to yourself) about what you are getting into, then things should be okay.  Heck they could be darn right great.  You may even find (as others have) that all those powerful submissive needs you feel now, fade a bit as you heal, or as you find a type of intimacy and friendship that you didn't expect or even knew you wanted.  Or he may discover a unknown dominent side that satisifies both of you.  As long as you our honest with each other, and honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want (and what you don't want) then you will be just fine.  

Good luck.  I hope to hear how things are going for you (even if they don't go well).  You can always post something here, or drop me or anybody else a email or phone call.  There are MANY people who have been where you, and they really did.  A friend of mine told me that in life, you don't have good and bad days, you have good and bad years.   Stick it out, because the best years are coming. 

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/22/2006 2:03:09 PM   
mox


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		There is no way to be sure of the future.

Just live in the moment go with your feelings, if you are attracted to him be attracted. Live life.

My 2 cents.

(in reply to fullofgrace)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094