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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/22/2006 7:30:13 PM

cloudboy

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Well, naturally before you could make any moves to begin with, you have to find out how he feels. If all he wants is friendship, that answers your question right there. If he has an attraction to you, I suppose you could consider switching and/or poly as ways of bonding and getting your needs met.

It does not suprise me that you are attracted to a sub guy, b/c everyone knows that sub guys are THE BEST.

(in reply to SusanofO)

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/23/2006 2:45:46 AM

LeatherBentOne

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SusanofO,

My condolenses on your loss and I'm sure that you will work everything out in time. I'm just wondering, do you think that, although your marriage was on the rocks for so long, that you might be trying to replace the type of marriage you wish you'd had with your husband? Perhaps, this guy has traits that you wished your husband had? Maybe you're morning the impossibility of having a satisfactory relationship with your husband, that what you wished you had, but didn't ~ therefore any semblence of one attracts you, besides the fact that you might be walking on thin ice here? Just throwing out a few ideas, here.

Albeit, in your time of confusion, perhaps the best thing might be to just stand still; deal with one set of emotions before you add more to the mix. On that note, I wish you the best and trust that you will make the correct decisions.

LeatherBentOne

(in reply to fullofgrace)

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/23/2006 10:52:58 PM

SusanofO

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I agree - Submissive guys rock, cloudboy. I am leaving town this week, but am going to address this soon after I return. I appreciate your advice, because I've always thought you were really smart, plus, I think you have an abundance of common sense. And on some days, (even if people rarely let you know, maybe), I just have to say: Your sense of humor is absolutely priceless.

Q: Can people become Switches, do you think? It's not a 'loaded question', I am just plain curious, and I do respect your opinion. I'd never really debate something like that, because I doubt somebody can tell someone else what they are, or make them into something else they are really not. I do think some people are maybe far more flexible than they give themselves credit for being, though. Just wondering if you have thoughts on this.

My opinion (based on my oh so vast experience of one bdsm relationship of 1 year): I suppose, if one has never tried it, it's hard to know. I am starting to think that sometimes it depends on just how great an imagination someone has: If you think you can do something like that, and want to (or have a good enough reason to try) and picture yourself doing it, then you will do it, and pretty soon maybe you're doing it all the time, etc. It maybe depends on the person? I have not enough experience to form any credible opinion here...

I guess there isn't all that much I have an out-right aversion to doing, but many things I have not tried - because I never thought that's where my general inclination is, or that I'd be in a position to actually do them, and maybe this was one of them. Just goes to show that every day is a new day I guess. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/23/2006 11:40:30 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/23/2006 11:24:29 PM

SusanofO

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You could be right, Leather (thanks for the kind words, too). To the rest of ya'll as well .who wrote in to comment. I appreciated everyone's comments (I am still reading them. I was off my computer most of the past day getting ready for an out of town trip) - but I truly needed some help with this - it sounded like it maybe wasn't all that unusual but unusual enough to seek some advice from people who undoubtedly know more about it than I do (I have no reference point at all for this situation whatsoever), and didn't want to potentially screw up a good freindship (but realize all relationships are somewhat of a risk, especially, maybe when one starts to delve into the romantic seas of life's ocean).

I really do think I am basically Submissive, and my husband was definitely not "Dom-ly" - but at the beginning of our realtionship he had a sweet senstivity I found very attractive. I never had a brother, always wanted one, too (maybe I want one now, seriously - but am really physically attracted to this man, too. I do think he is hot, but his personality is what makes him extra extra hot (to me).

I have never had much of an attraction for truly over-bearing personality types - and I realize that is sounding, and is, an almost bottomless-ly subjective statement and sounds like almost a contradiction coming from someone who states they are Submissive- and I do love being dominated (and not just physically, even moreso emotionally). I truly am more interested in the giving part of a scenario more than the receiving part most of the time, so I am not a "Princess" type (heck, I will wash someone's car, scrub thier walls, wash their socks, etc. anytime).

But - it seems the nicer somebody is the quicker I am "putty" ( and it doesn't really mean they always give me what I want, they didn't in the one relationship I was in that was bdsm oriented) but (to me) it does mean they're a good listener and try to just be, well...nice. I will reciprocate (and act that way to them, sometimes, even if it's not reciprocated, if I've seen they are capable of being really nice). If they are nice, then I will usually do absolutely anything they want me to do (I am saying this based on my vast experience of having one Dominant-submissive relationship that lasted a little over a year, hehe).

Probably all this comes as no surprise to anyone who has any experience at "deeper" (for lack of a better word) bdsm relationships (as opposed to "scenes").

And I realize that the word "nice" is pretty vague. Someone once told me the word "nice" is actually the equivalent of a four-letter word (and asked me to stop using it to describe them) because it's so subjective (agreed I guess, but it's hardly an insult) and many men equate it to when a woman calls them "sweet" (a word which, I've observed, makes many men just cringe. It's not one of those "Marlboro man" descriptors: "Oh, you're just so sweet"!

But -

I 've seen Dominants who are the so-called 'quiet types' who manage to get what they want in a scenario armed almost solely with this characteristic. There are people who can charm you - and people, I suppose, who can (and do) sort of "beat you and wear you" into being charmed by them (I prefer the former if forced to choose). I actually did have an "experience" (one scene, one time), with one of what I mentally classify as the "latter" type. It went okay simply because I was feeling "extra extra submissive" (and a little "needy") that night, I think.

Everyone has different taste, and don't think any "type" is inherently "better" - of course. It's just a personal preference thing. But it could mean (maybe) I could "switch"? Maybe. The more I think about this the more confused I get...

I think I've been spending a little too much time in posts around here talking about my husband (I have a counsellor I talk to about that, and I (uncharacteristically) really just completely lost my temper trying to discuss our past "relationship" these past few days. Shoudn't have done that, really, no matter if I felt "provoked" or whatever - don't want to re-visit it, but it did tell me something about "where I am at" right now. I never claimed I was "sane" at this particular point in time, I guess (because I really thought I wasn't all that "sane" right now, really, and still really don't). I do sincerely apologize to anyone I hurt (and I am sure I did hurt some. Guess I have a temper and about every hundred years it expodes - sure ain't a pretty sight when it does and I really know that). I purposely haven't sought out anything here at CM relation-ship-wise, because I don't want to drive anyone away be being too emotionally flaky right now and they shouldn't have to be some kind of emotional life-line for me. I am into being dependent and submissive, but I also realise the other person needs room to "breathe" and don't want to be constantly "needy" (ick).

This person has been helping me so much (more than they are aware of , I am sure) - and I am very grateful,. But still, it surprised me, in a way, that I'd feel this much, this soon. And I plan to be very careful.

I'm gonna be out of town for a few days but I really appreciate the thoughts because I did need some advice on this topic - it really helped me.Thanks (and to everyone else who posted to this, too).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/24/2006 12:21:24 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/24/2006 6:54:48 AM

Prunesquallor

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When my wife died, 25 years ago, I went through a period of about four years in which I was completely irrational. Virtually every major decision I made was a mistake. Virtually every 'relationship' I had was a mistake.

You cannot trust your own rationality nor your own emotions at the moment.

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/24/2006 5:16:10 PM

OneX2

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I have had sub-couples serve me and that can be a niche that is rarly spoken about. If it's what you feel, talk with him. You never really know what combo is if a fit until you try it on.

Joseph

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RE: Female Sub attracted to Male Sub - What do I do? - 6/25/2006 10:56:38 PM

SusanofO

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I do appeciate your thoughts here, PS. - and everyone else.

I am going to do more research on Sub-sub couples (I love doing research. I can spend, virtually, days on the net just reading stuff. I just think lots of it is interesting).

A little voice inside my head keeps telling me the same thing. I can maybe just slow down, if nothing else. There's nothing like an especially good, dear friend anyway. Especially a good friend whose bones you just really want to come right out and jump - just rape them, really - right ? I am obsessed. I am, at this moment in time, true "stalker" material. It's time for me to calm down (I really mean that).

Plus, I am a Pisces (I really don't take that stuff seriously, just "toy" with it. Of course all Pisceans say that). We are notorious for picking the wrong partner - and over and over (look at Elizabeth Taylor) - but we just don't care.
We're "in love". He hasn't got a job? (he's "finding himself - and we're helping). He beat his last wife within an inch of death? (he was in a "bad marriage").
Whatever it is, it certanly isn't his fault (we do have an "end" to our ropes, but I've read it takes next-to-forever to reach it. Some people equate this with having bad judgment vs. 'patience' - and sometimes it probably is).
I probably need to just take it slow.

We will have to talk about this - and soon (next week. I seriously can't do it this week).

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/25/2006 11:58:16 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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