Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (Full Version)

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Charles6682 -> Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 1:11:44 AM)

I'm sure its possible to have a healthy,BDSM type of relationship without having looks be the final issue.But how common are these type of relationships?I've been in a few vanilla relationships before.I never really had too much of an issue finding a girlfriend.Now finding a Domme,thats a whole other ballgame.Please let me explain.

In a vanilla relationship,looks were not the main reason why I would go out with someone.Personality has always been a priority for me.After the sexual fun is done in a vanilla relationship,one can still get along with their partner and maybe watch a movie,talk about life and so on.

Is any of that even possible in a D/S relationship.Sure,there are exceptions but is it the rule?Since it seems alot of D/S relationship seem to be based on sexual energy,after that,then what?

I mention all of this because I realize I do not have the looks or the money of a Brad Pitt.So in all honesty,how far in this lifestyle does that leave me.For every Domme out there,theres probaly 20 "subs/slaves" out there.Since someone like me has to compete with guys who clearly have much better looks and much more money than I do,the fact is someone like me can't compete with that.



ClassAct2006 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 1:25:24 AM)

Most people improve their looks. It costs nothing to eat less and very little to have a shave and the money saved on buying junk food or alcohol can go on buying a decent shirt.

All people need is someone they find attractive. None of us hold out for Daniel Craig look a likes and people's preferences vary. I like blonde or red hair not dark but nothing matters t me as much as two other things - - he is at parity with me in terms of intelligence the brain is the sexiest organ of all and also he must be dom. So most people want someone of the right sexual inclinations to match them, whom they like and with whom they also get on well.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 1:52:45 AM)

In any long-term relationship (and by relationship, I mean more than a booty call) you're going to spend more time doing mundane every day things that you do having sex. Even if you have a great time having kinky sex for two hours a day, that's still only 14 hours a week. What do you fill the other six-and-a-half days with?

If you're choosing someone based only on looks and/or sexual chemistry, you're not doing yourself any favours. That works for fuck buddies, but vanilla or D/s, you need to actually like each other and have things in common to make it work. This weekend so far we've spent maybe an hour on screwing and kink. On the other hand, we've watched a movie together, done housework, been shopping, took the kids out, eaten together, talked about work and politics and video games... do you see what I'm getting at here?

I do believe some level of physical attraction is important, and sexual chemistry is important too because in my mind a good sex life is one of the signs of a happy relationship. But if you want to live D/s 24/7, or even just be in a committed relationship where you get your kink on at the weekend, you should be holding out for someone who ticks the other boxes like 'similar life goals' and 'pleasant to be with'.

To steal LittleWonder's usual line - a D/s relationship is STILL a relationship. It needs all the same components to be successful.

I don't think it is the exception to have more than looks, I think it is the rule for all lasting relationships. You've been around these boards for a while now, you must have got the impression that those of us who live it full-time have a lot more than 'ooh, hottie!' going on. And I'm sure as an adult you know that exciting sexy new relationship energy is short-lived in all relationships. Kink doesn't change that.

So you're not rich and don't have model looks? You and 99% of the population. Focus on making yourself awesome in as many ways as possible. Looks fade, money can be lost. A relationship based on that would be shallow and precarious. Are you interesting, funny, friendly, useful? Can you cook or write poetry, play the piano, mend the car, build a shed? Will you go to the theatre with me and take me camping? Will you be there to dry my tears at a funeral or join in with the silly games at Christmas? These are the kind of things which make someone appealing as a partner.



FrostedFlake -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 2:14:07 AM)

How common is it for LOOKS to NOT be THE thing in a bdsm relationship?

Or was the question the other way round?

Looking around, it doesn't seem to me, fashion statements aside, that there is a noticeable difference between Regular Folks and Kinky People when considering what folks look like. I could easily be way off, and not know, because the sample size is only a few dozen people. But, just like everywhere else, of those I've met a few are exceptional in each direction while most look pretty average.

If you will pardon the psychoanalysis, if you are worried about your look, you may be underestimating yourself in that regard. And, as ClassAct mentioned, light meals for a month and a pair of dumbbells can change ones appearance some. Meals and dumbbells might seem like physical things, but what they really are is decisions. Decisions, like self image, are not physical. Personality is mental also.

I doubt that most bdsm relationships are 'based on' sex. I think that is illusion. Cart, meet horse. I think relationships are 'based on' people really liking one another. Consider how long you would stay with someone you don't like, even if the sex is good.

You do seem to have a point about money, though.

That's my take. I might be right about some of it.

Here is a relevant link.

http://scoobysworkshop.com/



LadyPact -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 2:58:58 AM)

After looking at the responses, I'm a little unsure if you are asking this question in regard to yourself or if you are asking about potential partners.

Granted there are some darn good looking people out there. At the same time, if you go to your local munch, there's always a mix of sizes, heights, skin tones, and every other physical attribute going. I've never been to any munch where everybody was a perfect 10. I've never been to a munch where there wasn't a perfect 10 in the room.

A thought just occurred to Me. One of the common complaints that people come up with for not attending munches, besides privacy issues, is that there aren't as many single people that some would hope to find. That means all of those couples and poly families are in the mix that are in the range on the physically attractive scale, didn't have to be perfect 10's to find what they were looking for.

I say this repeatedly. A male s-type does not have great odds on the internet. Yes, it can happen, but why limit yourself? If you had a business, would you only pick one form of advertising? Even if you would pick only one, why would you choose the one that has the odds stacked against you? In this kind of medium, people love those good looking pics that they see at just a glance. (The other advantage for a male would be those very good with the written word.) If these aren't your strong suits, why not be where other strong suits come across better?

If you would be interested in taking some suggestion, your pic isn't working for you. It's a bad angle for your body type and the polo shirt isn't helping. I don't know if that is the original shade, but it looks like it used to be red and it's just so old that it's faded. Also, change the angle. A side view with face turned toward the camera might not be the most flattering. If you keep that shot, I'd at least trim the bottom because the belly isn't the best feature.



peppermint -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 3:10:16 AM)

Let me repeat a story I read in a biography years ago.

This man had a friend who was engaged.  When he met the lady his friend was engaged to marry he was stunned.  She was very homely.  He knew his handsome friend could have done so much better in finding a wife.

Fast forward several years.  The friend and his fiance are married.  The man and his own bride have enjoyed the friendship of good friends.  He remembers back to when he thought his friend's fiance was homely.  He now realizes she is one of the most attractive people he knows.  You see, the goodness he has found in this sweet lady has made her beautiful. 




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 3:19:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


If you would be interested in taking some suggestion, your pic isn't working for you. It's a bad angle for your body type and the polo shirt isn't helping. I don't know if that is the original shade, but it looks like it used to be red and it's just so old that it's faded. Also, change the angle. A side view with face turned toward the camera might not be the most flattering. If you keep that shot, I'd at least trim the bottom because the belly isn't the best feature.



This prompted me to look through your photos OP, and to be honest I'd rethink them all.

I understand they are all probably previous souvenirs to you and I do understand why you might be keen to show them off, but most women are put off by pictures of other women on the profile. The focus in a great deal of those pictures is very much the other women - great for male viewers, offputting to a lot of women. In addition to that when I see kinky pictures of other women I immediately think 'is he comparing me to them?' and 'do those women know their pictures are on this site?' - you don't want to put that into the mind of a potential partner. Speaking of looks those are young, thin women, by putting those up on your profile you are saying 'this is important to me'. Now if it is important, that's fine, but if not, you might be putting off curvier women.

The types of things going on and the states of dress make me think these might be photos from a pro session. Now there is nothing at all wrong with that, but I might be put off contacting you because I might think you are expecting a very specific scene done exactly to your tastes. They might not be pros, but if I thought it, others will too.

You might think the photos show what you can take or give ideas about what you will like to do - but a good domme will have her own ideas and will work with you to find things out.

Just bear in mind that your profile is a tiny snapshot of who you are. I'm always going to assume the things included in your profile are the most important things to you, and that you are showing yourself at your best. If it is all about kinky sex I'm going to assume that's all you are looking for. Your OP makes me think that's not the case, so you could be doing yourself a disservice.

Your main photo is vanilla, taken by someone else and outdoors which all go in your favour. But I bet it would be nicer if you weren't squinting into the sun and you had your shirt buttoned up/collar fastened. It's not awful but it doesn't stand out either.



TNDommeK -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 3:37:06 AM)

I must say that I must have some sort of physical attraction to begin with, or at least see some potential in the slave that I can "fix up" for lack of better words. But I do not think it's everything.



Pyramus -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 3:56:58 AM)

There's a skin-deep moral to the story somewhere here ...



DarkSteven -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 4:40:03 AM)

Hey, Charles, it's true that the number of self-proclaimed male subs far exceeds the number of self-proclaimed lifestyle Dommes.

But it's also true that there are a lot of single Dommes. I know one that, while now happily unsingle, was single for years prior.

You're asking if money or looks are their screening criteria. I'm not saying those won't factor in, but women (including Dommes) love conversation. If you can convince a Domme that you're good at conversation and you like it, you'll never want for attention.

I'd also make some profile changes.

1. Your profile has one pic of you, and then a buncha pics of you being topped by other women. Why?
2. Your profile text after "I also enjoy other things as well" is good, but before that, is the standard "I am a submissive" stuff. I'd delete it
3. I'd especially delete "who truly understands what the gift of submission is truly about". That makes it sound like you'll be critiquing her.




Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 4:42:47 AM)

I hope so



LadyPact -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 4:44:29 AM)

OP, you actually posted shots from the "Uncle Fester" videos? You had to know that was a bad idea.



Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 4:48:13 AM)

I agree,maybe the pictures could use some updating.For the record,most of the photos of me on here were from fetish videos I did before for clips4sale,not photos of private sessions.I have the girls approval and at anytime any one of them want their picture removed,i would do so.The main reason I put these photos up is because before i didn't have any pictures up and that was clearly a bigger issue than the current pictures I do have.I'll get some reasonable photos up in due time.



Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:08:57 AM)

I hate the name Uncle Fester.I go by Submissive Guy now.The guy who called me Uncle Fester looks more like Uncle Fester himself.I haven't gone by that name in over a year now and I have no reason to ever use that name again,except to reference old videos of myself.



Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:15:29 AM)

Clearly many of the girls I have shot videos with are quite attractive.I am realistic in knowing that not every "Domme" out there is going to look like a skinny supermodel.Like I said,I don't care about looks.That does come and go.Personality is for me far more important than looks.I don't care to seek a one night stand or some play session.I am seeking someone I could have a serious,real D/S,TPE type of relationship.Yes,I've had girlfriends before but there was a reason I decided to come open about who I am.I didn't want my submissive nature to come as a shock to any future girl.Domme or girlfriend.Thats why I figured I might as well try to find a Domme,someone who already understands this way of life.Thats so much easier said than done.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:24:53 AM)

It's great that you posted those pictures with permission and that you don't think looks are everything. But bear in mind if someone looks at your profile and thinks that they might not have given permission/you might expect all women to look like that, they might pass you by before you have time to explain yourself. Do you see what I mean? Because you've explained them to us, we understand what the photos mean. Someone browsing your profile doesn't, and might never contact you because of it.

I do agree with what DarkSteven said - the bit of your profile about kink is the same as most other sub guys here. The interesting bit is the part about you as a person - at least move it to the top of your profile.

Anyway, you're not looking for profile advice, you want reassurance that looks aren't everything. They're not. You've found people who wanted to dom you and be in a relationship with you before so clearly your looks and personality combined are appealing. Just make sure you're selling yourself and as Lady Pact pointed out, online is far from the easiest method for male subs to meet their match, so make sure you are putting yourself out there in real life too.



LadyPact -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:25:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

I hate the name Uncle Fester.I go by Submissive Guy now.The guy who called me Uncle Fester looks more like Uncle Fester himself.I haven't gone by that name in over a year now and I have no reason to ever use that name again,except to reference old videos of myself.
You may be better off putting them in the past. They were some very poor work that displayed exactly what people discuss when they talk about watching 'play' with no connection between top and bottom and no energy that made the scene interesting. Bad enough they were filmed in a garage. You could tell that woman had a complete apathy about the whole shoot and you could have been interchanged with any other dude that came along willing to be filmed.

I've watched scenes on objectification where the bottom was a chair that had more excitement in the interaction between the players.




lizi -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:48:18 AM)

You've been here for 5 years and are an active poster on the boards, however, by looking at your profile I'd have said you were a newbie. Honestly, yes, as a submissive man you're in a minority- so sell yourself and present yourself in your best light. You haven't had time in 5 years to read any of the threads on what women like to see in a profile or what they are interested in from a partner? Start doing some research. Start thinking like a woman. These are not new suggestions, they're given out to men on a daily basis sometimes on these forums.

One of the top no-no's is pictures of other women. I get that you think it's a feather in your cap to have been in the Femdom videos, it's not. You had a thread up where this subject was broached a long time ago and were told that back then. For one thing, women don't enjoy seeing porn pictures, for another, they don't wish to see you with other women. This is not recent news here.

In your profile text, you also talk mainly about kink; it's been all over these forums that approach turns away women. Your profile text contains numerous punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors. I remember you were told that a year or two ago, and they still stand. The punctuation errors in particular make your profile extremely hard to read. If people don't read it, would they ever consider you? All in all you're not really presenting a package that anyone looking for a submissive male would be attracted to.

If you don't think looks are your strong point then why aren't you playing up everything else to the best of your abilities? Where is some more text on who you are as a person, not as a kinkster? Why aren't you playing up the looks you have right now to the best of your abilities? The pictures you have up are very unflattering, they are worse than no pictures at all in my opinion.

You have up a nice mix in the interest section. You present threads here in the forums, you'd be a great person to talk to I think. So yes, why not try real life events instead of online? If you aren't willing to put forth your best efforts online then you really won't get anywhere, maybe you'd try harder in person. You've shown some good thinking here and therefore would probably be a good conversationalist...play to your advantage. Look...women get more practice early on to see where their advantages and disadvantages lie and then to present themselves as well as they can. Do the same for yourself; stop trying to get down the highway in a beat up car with no gas if you have a decent bicycle and good leg strength.

One other thing, if you think BDSM is based on looks I'd say that is partly because your market is Dominant women, which we know is overrun by fake pictures and young pretties. I'm sure you are bombarded with pictures of attractive women every time you sign in here. Do yourself a favor and go through the other categories today and look at those people, they're not all that special. Just your average people. They manage to get lucky, so can you. I'd go so far as to say that it's really more of a personality match for a great percentage of people into this, than a match on looks. Both play a part, but I don't think outward appearance is as important as you are thinking it is.



Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:52:13 AM)

Those days are behind me,thats for sure.



Charles6682 -> RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks (2/24/2013 5:55:23 AM)

I can use some changes to my profile.I do take the advice serious and use what works and leave the rest



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