RE: Age appropriate chores

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Notsweet -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 4:57:50 AM)
I can't believe we're judging a four year old because he doesn't want to empty a dishwasher. Lives somewhere different every six weeks. Can't entertain himself for thirty hours a week. Who the hell can? I gotta get off this thread.

LaTigresse -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 4:57:51 AM)
I know next to nothing about Aspergers other than it appears to be the 'flavour of the month' just like ADD and ADHD was when my kids were, well, kids. Reading the OP reminded me 100% of my son and my youngest brother. And, in retrospect, myself. It's not that the boy isn't smart. In fact, he's probably brighter than average. He has what we, in our family call, selective memory. Call it ADD, or as my mother did, the day dreamer kids. We focus on what interests us, we remember what is important to US. Lack of eye contact could simply be a type of being shy and introverted. My son still rarely does full on eye contact. That is not abnormal in the animal kingdom where doing so is seen as a sign of aggression in many species. So I don't make it out to be as important as the combined body language. With my son, and even my brother........I learned to pick my battles. You just can't cookie cutter kids. Where one excels another may lag and yet be vastly ahead of other kids in another area. Both my son and brother did not do well in school. Not because they were not bright. They always aced the tests but either failed the class or nearly so because they wouldn't do the daily work. Why? It bored them. Was too easy and it didn't interest them. I did okay because I was afraid not to.......until I just walked away from it, and childhood, at age 16. Certainly having the boy tested will give you a better idea of what you are dealing with and hopefully, if you have decent doctors, a better idea of how to deal. More hopefully.......without meds. I think that there is a misconception that, if a child isn't learning at an average or accelerated rate (as determined by some law of averages that is used in our school system) that the child is somehow mentally lacking. Different does not mean lacking. It just means different. In many ways we(humans) are all special little snowflakes. Some of us even fall outside of that mysterious (average/norm). Your stepson may be one of those snowflakes. Recognizing that can be scary for some parents OR, if you embrace it and work with it, it can be very rewarding. Neither my son or my brother have taken traditional life paths yet they are delightful human beings that are constructive, productive, responsible (with a few exceptions the women in their lives help them with) adults. Both are very gentle souls that are easily hurt though they hide it under prickly exteriours. Both are fabulous at creating and seeing things outside the box. Both are great problem solvers. They were also slower to mature emotionally in many ways. Both had terrible impulse behaviour that led to an early life of crime. One self medicated himself into alcoholism, now treated and under control. Both struggle to remember to pay bills on time.....but don't lack the finances to do so. Basically my opinion.......definitely get the kid tested if you wish. But hey, don't disspair whatever they end up diagnosing. There is always some new and improved something.......usually with a magic pill to go with it. As parents you will decide as you will, how to proceed. And it can be tough, trying to rein a kid like that in enough to function within the 'norms' of society but also to nourish his/her own uniqueness. Sorry to ramble on. I just wanted to give a more, end result, picture of two boys that were very very much like your stepson.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 5:04:06 AM)
I can't stress this enough, I think you're expecting too much from this particular child. Every dreamy five year old is not learning disabled or needs some other label that will stick with him for the rest of his life and (possibly) lock him into less than positive behavior. Children learn and grow at very different rates, and you have a major power struggle with a young child in your future if you don't back off and figure out what is and isn't appropriate to expect from this particular child. Some education in child development is in order. JMO, YMMV ETA: IN case it's not clear, I totally agree with Luci (below) and LaT (directly above me). Evidently the big cat and I were posting at the same time. quote: ORIGINAL: Lucifyre Ok, a couple things pop into my mind after reading everything above. 1) Boys mature at about a 4 YEAR slower rate than girls do. Obviously at age 5 that's probably a bit smaller time wise, but you really cannot compare the girl and the boy in that manner and expect it to make any sense (as you're finding out because she could at his age and now he cannot) 2) there may very well be some sort of deficiency or learning disability in the works there, I'm not saying I think there is, but it is in his best interests for you to deal with bio mom and make testing happen. 3) at age 5 he has A LOT more to do than he should have. Flushing the toilet, getting himself dressed, washing his hands and brushing his teeth are the kind of things that should be taught at this age and expected, but again, boys learn a lot slower than girls do, so you having to remind him until you're pulling your hair out is NORMAL. 4) You yourself have brought up a good point about him maybe being more interested in gender type chores than others. So, take the kid outside to rake leaves and grass after you mow every week if you want to add extra stuff. 5) At his age he is still learning HOW to learn, to be frank, I wouldn't have either of them doing any kind of household chores until at least age 8. Then start with things like running the vacuume or washing some dishes. as always...just my opinion Luci

WithBellsOn -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 5:23:37 AM)
Whether he has Asperger's or not, it sounds like you're doing a great job helping him already. If it's going to trigger a custody battle, maybe getting a formal diagnosis isn't the most important thing? It's not like it's something that you medicate... you just patiently help the kid get better at the things they have trouble with. At least that's the impression I've gotten, living in a household with an Asperger's-diagnosed three-year-old. FWIW, her father almost certainly has Asperger's as well, and he's a successful small business owner, as well as a wonderful husband and father -- so don't think that Asperger's puts any limits on your stepson's future!

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 5:36:28 AM)
I am also in total agreement with CP. Both my kids didn't start doing many chores at all until they were around 6-7 years old. Heck, even now at 19 and 18 they can't keep their bedrooms organised or clean!! Tanya (19) is more organised than Troy (18) is but she still wouldn't pass all of OP's chore list. Add the fact that the poor boy is only 5, swaps parents every 6 weeks and probably less interested in domestic stuff than his older sister is, I too think you may be expecting too much from him. My kids were the same at their age - Tanya more advanced than Troy and 18 months older. Neither of them are 'deficient' in any way at all. And if you read all the markers you find on web sites you can fit most dysfunctional problems to most people but that doesn't mean they actually have any dysfunctional problems at all. As LaT said, aspergers and similar disorders do seem to be the 'flavour of the month' right now and I think OP is retro-fitting the symptoms to fit her step-son's behaviour - which is very dangerous IMHO. Personally, I would just involve him in different tasks with his father rather than keep pushing with the domestic stuff. If he really does have a disorder of some sort, it will manifest itself a little later when it is easier to diagnose properly. At just 5 years old, you could fit almost anything to his behaviour and it could be damaging to pin a label on him. Just my [sm=2cents.gif]

Muttling -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 5:41:55 AM)
Each child is different and boys don't mature as quickly as girls so expect boys to be more difficult at this age than girls. (It tends to swing the opposite way in the teen years.) Problems you describe are pretty normal. Break things into very small chunks and tasks, expect to be doing a lot of checking up to see if he did what he was supposed to do. Give TONS of praise and do so at every opportunity. Don't be afraid to say "I asked you to....." or "You are expected to....." but also be quick to jump in to help him get back on track then praise. Kids DO need negative feedback when appropriate but they also need to learn that can succeed and that succeeding is pretty fun. This said.......6 week blocks with them at your house then not at your house for 6 weeks????? I've never heard of such an arrangement and it doesn't sound like something that is in the best interest of the children. Are you going to continue this when they start going to school? How does completely changing their living conditions and house rules/ expectations every 6 weeks effect THEM????

LadyPact -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 5:58:26 AM)
I think some of the responders on this thread are seeing things that I'm not seeing. Things like brushing the teeth or buttoning the shirt don't necessarily change from house to house. Back when My kids were little, one of the pre-K assessments that was a part of the deal was did the kid know how to tie their own shoes. I read this thread, but I'm not going back to check for this particular detail. I don't recall anything being said about the household areas being chores that the boy does by himself. Stuff like setting the table or the dishwasher thing are probably tasks that the boy and Ishtar complete together. Not only is this a great time to engage with the child, it fosters the idea that, as a family, we work together. We have common goals. Even eating is something that we do for our well being. We all contribute. I have to give it up to those parents who did things differently and it worked for them.

ComeNserveMeNow -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 7:19:06 AM)
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UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 7:27:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Notsweet I can't believe we're judging a four year old because he doesn't want to empty a dishwasher. Lives somewhere different every six weeks. Can't entertain himself for thirty hours a week. Who the hell can? I gotta get off this thread. Euhm... like I said before... he does very much want to empty the dishwasher... it's one of the chores he's taken to very well. To the point that he's starting to mimic his sister and starting to load it without prompt and inquires with me to teach him "how stuff goes". What he doesn't want to do is flush a toilet. Or open his curtains so he's not playing in the dark. Or put dirty clothing in the appropriate laundry basket. Or put his backpack away when he comes home. Or put stuff like crayons away when he's done using it. As far as him entertaining himself 30 hours a week, I very specifically said I don't expect him to do that. I spend hours a day planning and directing play for him. If you're seriously suggesting that I cater on him hand and foot like a maid, and follow him around the house all day to flush the toilet for him at 5 years old, then tell me... when exactly WILL he be old that I can start expecting him to hang up his coat and put his shoes away before he comes in the house, instead of dropping them wherever the fancy strikes him? Am I expected to still dress him too? How about holding his fork/spoon and shoving food in his mouth for him? Should I break out the highchair again? Do please tell me... to which precise extend am I expected to still treat him like he's a baby incapable of doing anything at all for himself?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 7:39:58 AM)
You don't take criticism well, do you? One of the things you might want to work on if you want to be a successful parent. You have so many chores outlined for this five year old, it sounds like he's in military school and you expect him to behavior like a mini adult. Kids are not mini adults, which is why I suggested you educate yourself about childhood development. You have far too many things for him to keep track of, and if your tone in your last response is any indicator, you are being negative about it. In the long run, that's how you create negative kids that are not a joy to be around. I get him not flushing the toilet gets to you. So work on that ONE thing with him until he gets it, and do your best to keep it positive. I would follow him after he uses, and if he doesn't flush, call him in and ask: What's wrong with this picture? A normal five year old will smile and flush, cause he can answer that question, and get it right. Then you praise him for getting it right !! Positive consequences ALWAYS work better than negative when you're dealing with a good kid who wants to do the right thing. It's been my experience 99% of five year olds fall into that category.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 7:48:57 AM)
First off, LadyPact, you're right. Most of the stuff on that list I don't expect him to do by himself. It's something he does either with me under direct guidance, or with me in the room doing other stuff. Like the dishwasher chore for example, I'll start by getting the big stuff like pots & pans, and dangerous stuff like sharp knifes out, while he sets up the steps tool so he can put glasses away. Then I'll start prepping coffee for my husband/ tidying up from breakfast as he puts plates, cups and silverware away. Everything he doesn't know where to put he puts on the stove, and after he's done, we'll go over that stuff together as a reminder on where things go, and how to put them away. In the beginning I'd have to talk him through every item independently, but the more he does it the more he just knows what to do. Either way, he's engaged with me while I finish up what I need to do at that point in the kitchen/dining room, instead of waiting around bored until I'm ready to help him get started on school work. I actually formally got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8, and am borderline on Aspergers tests myself and at first glance I'd tell you that I see neither of those things in him. So last night I sat down and went over criteria for both again. I still don't see Aspergers at all. He just doesn't have the routine/repetitiveness of Aspergers, nor does he have communication issues (aside from the eye contact), nor does he have trouble interacting with other people (though he does frustrated with himself very fast). It just doesn't fit. I would have swore the same about ADHD, except that once I went through the list of criteria, literally ALL of them fit him like a glove. Now without a formal diagnoses that doesn't mean anything, and I am very very very anti-medication for ADHD, especially at his age. Despite being on Ritalin myself as a child, what I benefited from was behavioral therapy/extra guidance, to learn me cope with my own brain, and teach me the skills to deal with my lack of focus. I feel that medicating his brain to "normalcy" now -IF he even would be diagnosed with ADHD- just teaches him to live with a brain that isn't his, and will delay any issues he'll have from just learning to deal with his brain as is. Furthermore, I don't really believe in ADHD as a "disorder" that needs "treatment" to bring it in line with a "mean scale". A disorder to me means that something is wrong... ADHD symptoms for me are just one extreme end of a bell curve of, normal human behavior. As a child, it's something you need to learn how to deal with, not something that needs to be fixed from you. The fact that ADHD "symptoms" don't fit well with a classical educational public school system is a sign that said school system is poorly fitted to the normal range of human behavior, not that human behavior in and of itself is wrong. Or that at least how I feel about the ADHD subject...

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 7:53:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I would follow him after he uses, and if he doesn't flush, call him in and ask: What's wrong with this picture? A normal five year old will smile and flush, cause he can answer that question, and get it right. Then you praise him for getting it right !! He's not a "normal" five year old then, because he doesn't answer that question. His reply is: "I don't know". I can go through a sequence of: "Look in the potty, what's wrong?" "What color is the water when it's clean?" "What color is pee?" "So is the potty clean or dirty?" And get correct answers all the way with him grinning for getting it right. But to the question: "So what do you need to do next?" all I get is: "I don't know." No matter how many times I walk him through it. And it's not that he doesn't seem to understand when I explain the concept to him, it's like he just plainly can't remember. Like his own actions aren't in the least tied to the environment around him. It's like he doesn't internalize that "If A, then B; and if C then D". So he doesn't seem to conceptualize that there's an order in which he needs to accomplish things. It's not just the toilet one that gets me either, it's just an easy example. Other examples would be: - He puts his underwear on over, instead of under his pants - He'll get halfway through putting something away, get distracted by something else, and then go off an play with whatever he was supposed to put away still in his hand, without putting it down even if it impedes his play (it's like he simple "forgets" whatever he's holding is even there) - He'll put his shoes on the wrong feet. So you tell him they're wrong. So he takes them off, switches their places, and will then cross his legs to put them on again, so they're again on the wrong foot (I tried to put arrows on them in permanent marker so he remembers which goes where, but he can't remember the step of checking the markers) - He'll try to sit down on the potty, and THEN pull his pants off Any chore that has more than 2 steps I need to go over and over and over and over again to get him to get a sequence down that is A->B->C->D, which is also why the dishwasher chore goes over so well, it's only two steps "pick up an item->put it away" with me there to help him transition between steps, and refocus him when he starts dreaming after the cat with a plate in his hand. With the toilet on the other hand, if I'm not standing there over him to remind him that there's a step that comes after peeing, he simple spaces out and wanders off instead. Now I can make sure I'm in the bathroom with him as much as possible, but even so I can't be there a 100% of the time, I have stuff to do, need to drive his sister to school/activities/dance. And besides that, he goes to school, and doesn't flush there either. Me standing over him directing his day with every single thing he does isn't a solution, what I need is a way to teach him to remember by himself the order of a multi-step sequence. And with 6 months of attempting to teach him to remember to flush, with literally weeks of me catching him in the bathroom and walking him through the process step by step by step, it is STILL hit and miss on whether or not he'll remember to flush, and it is STILL hit and miss on whether or not he'll know the answer to the question: "what do we do when we're done on the potty before we leave the bathroom", or will say: "I don't know" instead.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 8:12:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt You don't take criticism well, do you? I take criticism about as well as the next person. What I don't deal with with is somebody coming in, deliberately reading selectively, twist my words around so that they're precisely the opposite of what I said (expecting him to entertain himself for 30 hours a week by himself; the dishwasher being a problem chore) and then giving off on the precise opposite of what I said like I'm coming here and saying that I beat this kid black and blue. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not saying I don't make mistakes. I'm not saying this chore list may not be too hard for him. Hell, the very topic of this tread is the question on whether or not this chore list is to hard for him and I should loosen up... that right there should tell you I'm open for criticism and I'm trying to do right by him. Somebody then coming in and acting disgusted because of the opposite of what I said isn't only not helpful... it's also insulting. So yeah... I don't give a post like that a sugar sweet response back. You'll also note that I didn't respond negatively to the criticism of every user who posted before that and said that they feel the chore list is too much.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 8:38:55 AM)
Okay that example was very helpful in terms of what you are dealing with. He needs to be taught the 'what's wrong with this picture' game in a very positive way. I used it for everything from did you pick up your jacket, put your school bag away, get your homework where it belongs, take your dishes to the sink, etc. It worked very well for a dreamy child who was very VISUAL in his thinking. It's more than possible the child is not visual in his thinking. So that begs the question of what is he? How does his little brain work? Some in depth reading on child development will help, and if you can get to the library and find some text books, that will help even more. 90% of what you'll find as mainstream books on the subject will be (largely) a repeat of what you already know. So #1, figure out what kind of kid he is thinking-wise, and then develop positive ways to enforce his behavior. One thing I learned with my daughter, who is super organized in her brain (like her mom), is that she needed to be taught EVERYTHING having to do with a specific action I wanted her to do. An example, teaching her to dress herself meant teaching her what matched and what didn't, where clothes should go in her dresser, where to put her dirty clothes, etc. Where you might piece meal all that out to another child, she wanted to know all the details. It's just how her brain works. She still loves to learn anything regarding how to be more efficient or more organized. And I apologize for the 'you don't take criticism well' remark, the rest of your responses have been fine. That you're even asking the question shows your desire to be positive in your investment with the child. Parenting is difficult, and step parenting is even more so. If I could suggest doing some gentle probing with the mother about how she went about toilet training. (Just a thought, some people have some very strange ideas about it. ) Right now the important thing to realize is that you can't expect the child to know what he doesn't know. And I am trying hard to steer you from negative consequences (more appropriate for an 8-10 year old to start negative consequences) to positive reinforcement. Also, that he lives 6 weeks one place and 6 weeks some where else is a current custody decision that is not the best choice. It's very hard on kids their age to go from one set of household rules to another, and I suspect the boy is having issues with that too. I understand changing custody arrangements can be very difficult, but can you talk with his mother and perhaps see what works for her? What rules she tries to enforce? Maybe she treats him like a baby and doesn't expect him to do anything you do, which has to be very confusing to him. I would also set an appointment to have a long talk with his nursery school teacher about his development and ability to learn basic tasks. It might totally put your mind at rest, or send you in the other direction toward early testing.

mnottertail -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 8:42:42 AM)
I am not sure that what is wrong with this picture is the goal. Since he prides himself on answering right all the right ones. It may be just walk in the bathroom and tell him flush the toilet, wash your hands and get to the bottom line. A this is where the world stops moment. He is gaming you on this one.

WithBellsOn -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 9:07:37 AM)
It does sound like he's having a lot of trouble with some very basic things. Have you tried any visual aids for teaching at all? Little pictures of the steps instead of words?

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 9:34:20 AM)
First, I edited, and added stuff, probably while you where typing. Just letting you know, in case you didn't see that. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Okay that example was very helpful in terms of what you are dealing with. He needs to be taught the 'what's wrong with this picture' game in a very positive way. I used it for everything from did you pick up your jacket, put your school bag away, get your homework where it belongs, take your dishes to the sink, etc. It worked very well for a dreamy child who was very VISUAL in his thinking. I have no idea if he's visual or not... I can't seem to figure out how he approaches the world at all. One thing I do know is that he doesn't seem do be able to grasp from context that something doesn't "fit". Another example of that would be that he still has a hard time with those "put the block through the same shaped hole" games. And when he does puzzles (appropriate for his age) he doesn't look at the piece to figure out where it goes, but instead just randomly tried to match shapes together, sometimes trying the same piece over and over and over again in the same location, refusing to move on to another piece, and refusing to try it in a different way. Especially if a piece needs to be rotated to fit it he's completely lost. Instructing him to rotate it will usually result in him turning the piece upside down (so the backside shows) and then criticizing me for saying the wrong thing, or with him shaking the piece while holding it in the exact same position, or putting it down and rotating it 360 degrees. It's like once he has a piece in his hand and has thus defined "up" he can't conceptualize that "up" may not be "up" at all, nor does he cross reference the image on the piece to either the box, or the other pieces to determine where "up" should be. And this is something I've deliberately worked with him on. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt So #1, figure out what kind of kid he is thinking-wise, and then develop positive ways to enforce his behavior. I'd love to... any ideas? quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt One thing I learned with my daughter, who is super organized in her brain (like her mom), is that she needed to be taught EVERYTHING having to do with a specific action I wanted her to do. An example, teaching her to dress herself meant teaching her what matched and what didn't, where clothes should go in her dresser, where to put her dirty clothes, etc. Where you might piece meal all that out to another child, she wanted to know all the details. It's just how her brain works. She still loves to learn anything regarding how to be more efficient or more organized. His sister is exactly like that. Him not so much. Excessive details make him go off on "thought tangents" that lead us away from the topic he needs to be focussing on. For example: If I'd teach him to get clothes, and teach him to match by explaining that red shirts work with either red, black or jeans pants, he'd go: "birds can be red... you have bird feeders outside... our cat tries to eat birds... mommie had a cat too, it died". quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Parenting is difficult, and step parenting is even more so. If I could suggest doing some gentle probing with the mother about how she went about toilet training. (Just a thought, some people have some very strange ideas about it. ) I potty trained him by myself (at the time we had him for a solid 5.5 month period). His mother actively counter acted potty training by keeping him in diapers even after he was potty trained. Because she was out and about with him all day (not doing kid stuff) and it was easier to have him go in diapers than to find a restroom for him. She treats him like a baby still in a lot of aspects. The home situation at his mother's is very problematic. It's not bad enough to take custody away from her (we've tried), but bad enough that we have to continuously worry about their development when they are there. I don't care to go much into details about her at this point, but basically count the time at her house as a "black hole" as far as any teaching/progress goes. I'm lucky if she doesn't set me backwards, and I can't think of a single significantly new thing they've learned while there, if you take fighting, cursing, and lying out of the equation. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Right now the important thing to realize is that you can't expect the child to know what he doesn't know. And I am trying hard to steer you from negative consequences (more appropriate for an 8-10 year old to start negative consequences) to positive reinforcement. I try to be VERY consistent about positive consequences. I sometimes feel like a cheerleader with a 45IQ from how much my day is spend going "great job", "high five", "big boy". I try to not loose my temper with them. Negative consequences are usually reserved for plain unacceptable behavior (physical violent behavior, screaming, trowing huge exploding fits) in which case they get a time-out in the corner, and it's explained to them that such behavior is not tolerated in our house, and while they are actively behaving like that they're not allowed to join the household activities. I don't have to use it very often, though the first week when they come from their mother's is always rough. I try to never criticize them personally, and try to correct behavior by showing the right thing, instead focussing on the fault. I'm human, and I do none of this perfectly... but I try. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Also, that he lives 6 weeks one place and 6 weeks some where else is a current custody decision that is not the best choice. It's very hard on kids their age to go from one set of household rules to another, and I suspect the boy is having issues with that too. There is no other choice. We cannot get more custody time. Taking less is out of the question. Longer blocks are out of the question. Shorter blocks have been tried and don't work, because of the drastically different household structures. With shorter blocks, they're constantly trying to "catch up" and normalize to the different rules (well the difference between having rules, and having no rules, structure, guidance, attention or discipline at all). Shorter blocks will be reevaluated as they get older, but right now it's not an option. I may add that whichever parent doesn't have custody spends Wednesday afternoon with the kids, until supper time. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I understand changing custody arrangements can be very difficult, but can you talk with his mother and perhaps see what works for her? What rules she tries to enforce? Maybe she treats him like a baby and doesn't expect him to do anything you do, which has to be very confusing to him. Talking with their mother is about anything but logistics is impossible. Any kind of conversation regarding "what is best for the kids" is impossible. Any kind of question about "what she does, which expectations she has, which rules she has" is not possible to ask (because she will not answer, and instead will pick a fight calling my husband abusive and a horrible parent). Hell, we can't even discuss with her what the girl should eat for lunch at school. Their mother is banned from our property because of abusive behavior towards myself. She drops the kids off on the curb, if she sets foot on our property we'd call the cops. All communications goes through email. I personally cannot under any circumstance address any issue with her, my husband can discuss very little. And again, yes, we've tried to increase custody and can't. That has been discussed with legal counsel on multiple occasions, though I'm not going to go into the details of why and why not here. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I would also set an appointment to have a long talk with his nursery school teacher about his development and ability to learn basic tasks. It might totally put your mind at rest, or send you in the other direction toward early testing. His school thinks he's behind and should start kindergarten a year late, but they're very non-commital on why and what exactly may be the issue. As a side note, I don't think very highly of this school. I basically consider it a Christian daycare posing as a school. They focus more on memorizing Bible verses and songs than anything else. However, it was the only school we could get his mother to agree to let him go to, and we considered social interaction with kids his age to be important enough to let him go to this one, despite not thinking much of the school in question, because any school/daycare is going to be better for him than to have no socialization with peers at all.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 9:39:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail A this is where the world stops moment. He is gaming you on this one. I don't think so, because A is where the world stops in a multitude of ways, over a variety of issues, and he's genuinely upset when "doesn't know" and can't get it right. He knows I expect something, he wants to give it to me, and he's sad that he can't. He used to not answer "I don't know" and just randomly start guessing, but got so discouraged at being told "no, not that one, almost, can you try again?" that he now refuses to even guess. When you (gently and enthusiastically) try to push him and tell him: "I bet you do know, try to think" he gets frustrated and will yell: "I can't know everything! People don't have to know everything!".

JeffBC -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 9:48:02 AM)
I don't really know how apropos this is but my 2nd wife (who thought of herself as a bad parent and not good with children) was in fact great with children. My own observation was that she made it really simple for them. Using the flush the toilet thing as an example, what about simple repetition? Without any guessing games or whatnot if he didn't flush the toilet bring him on in there and say something direct like: "You didn't flush after yourself. Please do it now. Mommy likes it when you remember to do that." One of her rules with kids was, "Don't have a lot of rules but every single one you have has to be ironclad". So if the rule is "flush the toilet" then he needs to be brought in to flush each and every time.

mnottertail -> RE: Age appropriate chores (3/7/2013 9:50:24 AM)
That is what I am trying to say to you Ish, exactly what jeff said, fuck the guessing game and all the games, direct, here we go lets flush the toilet, wash our hands, good job!!!!! Until it is just done, even if that is a year, the buck (and the world stops)

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