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should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:35:08 PM

flight1

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Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women? Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only? At what point should a collar be discussed?? Please help...I'm so confused!

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:41:15 PM

OsideGirl

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Whether he's monogamous or not is probably something you should have discussed BEFORE becoming involved in a power dynamic with him.

If monogamy has been agreed on, then it would be natural to expect him to honor his word.

As for the collar: How the hell would we know? We know nothing about your you, him or your relationship. So, the answer is.....it depends.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 3/9/2013 7:51:10 PM >

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:43:56 PM

Baroana

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First meet someone in person.

Then date and get to know them

Then discuss a d/s relationship and work out exactly what the terms will be.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:48:39 PM

phoenixasubbie

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Is it ok to as if a Dom is seeing other women? I see this the same as I would in the vanilla world. Yes. To expect him to only see you, or vice versa is something only the two of you can decide what the appropriate time is.

A collar-- there are some who will use a collar for play.There are some who do a collar of consideration-- to me this is somewhat akin to a promise ring.
And then THE collar ( for lack of a better way to put it at the moment ) should only be discussed and given when the meaning would be similar to a wedding ring

If you want and expect monogamy, the time to discuss is up front. I list on my profile and discuss with any potential mate that I do not share and will not be shared. You have to be clear on this both yourself and from your partner BEFORE becoming their submissive.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:56:10 PM

flight1

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I guess I didn't explain that he said he only wants me but continues to talk to other subs/slaves. I don't want to be a brat but I don't think he should be chatting with his ex subs/slaves. Would it be okay if I chat with other Doms?

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:58:56 PM

Shininglight23

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Flight,

If it's okay with your Dom that you speak with other men.. then yes... it's okay. Strangers on a message board can't help you decide what is or is not okay with YOUR relationship. I suggest communication with your Dom.

Wishing you well.

Allie

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 7:59:38 PM

phoenixasubbie

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May I ask how far along you are in this? Is this online-- or have you met in RL? It's hard to advise based on so little information.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:00:13 PM

OsideGirl

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So, you think that you should get to decide whether or not he can be friends with his ex?

And you want to know if you can talk to other Doms as payback for him talking to his exes and other people?

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:04:23 PM

Baroana

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A word to the wise is sufficient.

Also, you're a bit old to be this naïve.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:05:51 PM

phoenixasubbie

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Speaking for myself, when I belong to someone, it is not my place to question or dictate who he speaks to. That doesn't mean I haven't had my moment of jealousy-- I have. But the bottom line is, you either trust one another or you don't.

And I have never been with anyone who dictated who I could or could not speak with. There are many who do. I personally find that to be a major sign of insecurity, and a turn off.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:07:57 PM

DesFIP

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Does he stay on the phone when you come in the room? Because if the friendship is solely platonic, then he should have no trouble letting you hear them talk. If he hangs up, hides his phone from your sight while texting, I'd assume the conversation is inappropriate.

However, acting in the same bad manner as someone else rarely works. If you do it once, he gets upset and you say that how he feels is how you feel, and then a conversation about exes follows, it could be helpful. But usually isn't.

The person to talk to about this is him. Tell him you aren't interested in a relationship with someone who hasn't gotten over his ex. Wish him good luck moving on and suggest he calls you when/if he is able to form a new relationship. But that in the meantime you suggest he try to work it out since she still means so much to him.

Always take the high road, it will rankle them for a long time.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:11:38 PM

phoenixasubbie

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OP- Your profile shows you signed up today and are a newbie... if I read it right. Read about sub frenzy-- slow down. Make friends with fellow subs/slaves and they can help you navigate this world in a safe way. Just friendly advice.

Dating in the kinky world is still just dating.

< Message edited by phoenixasubbie -- 3/9/2013 8:14:08 PM >

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:46:20 PM

Baroana

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He's lying to the other woman. That should tell you all you need to know about his character for truthfulness.

There is none who is so blind .... you can lead a horse to water .... blah blah blah.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 8:59:14 PM

theRose4U

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Google BDSM checklist this is a good guide for discussion.

As for the does or doesn't a grown assed man you claim to want to dedicate your life to get to talk to his ex sub that needs help...yes yes he does. If you aren't having sex yet why do you think you have this kind of control? (And are you even seeing the irony in my statement)

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 9:11:21 PM

littlewonder

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I asked him if he was single or in a relationship I think on the first night we met, just over casual conversation. I wanted to know where to draw the line with him over dinner so I knew if there would be a possibility for anything further than casual sex/play.

He knew when we first started talking online though that I was only seeking a committed and faithful relationship. If I couldn't have that then I wasn't interested.

I didn't force it. I didn't request it of him after we were in a relationship. It was a requirement before we ever got involved. Why would I get involved with a man who didn't want the same thing?

It sounds to me like you both "forgot" to ask each other this all so very important question during the get to know each other period called dating. I get the feeling that this is all being run by genitals on both sides. But now you have fallen for him and want more. So now you have two choices....suck it up or leave.

ETA: We never discussed a collar. It wasn't all that important. I wanted his commitment. That's what was important to me. He just saw me looking at a bracelet while at the beach. He bought it for me and I haven't taken it off since. No ceremony, never calling it a collar. No talking about. Just stuck it on me and it's been there since.

If you want to discuss, then discuss it. There is no right time or protocol.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 3/9/2013 9:13:14 PM >

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 9:12:04 PM

Baroana

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In the duplicate thread she says she is "physically involved" with him. Based on the context, I took that to mean sex.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 9:15:32 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

I guess I didn't explain that he said he only wants me but continues to talk to other subs/slaves. I don't want to be a brat but I don't think he should be chatting with his ex subs/slaves. Would it be okay if I chat with other Doms?

Sounds like you have trust issues. So he talks with other girls. So what? Is he fucking them? Is he being intimate with them? If not, then what's the problem? Is it ok if you talk to other doms? Dunno. Ask Him. How would we know?

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 9:17:50 PM

Baroana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

I guess I didn't explain that he said he only wants me but continues to talk to other subs/slaves. I don't want to be a brat but I don't think he should be chatting with his ex subs/slaves. Would it be okay if I chat with other Doms?

Sounds like you have trust issues. So he talks with other girls. So what? Is he fucking them? Is he being intimate with them? If not, then what's the problem? Is it ok if you talk to other doms? Dunno. Ask Him. How would we know?

For many people, it is a problem. If it is not a problem in your relationship, then more power to you.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/9/2013 9:22:31 PM

littlewonder

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Again, I see it as a trust issue. But that's me. YMMV.

I used to feel that way though in the past, when I was young and I was still untrusting of everyone and anyone because of past relationships and life in general.

I sought therapy though and got over it and found a man I didn't even have to ask that question and the trust issue was never ever on my mind. Imo if this question comes up, it's something I would be asking myself why I do. Is he hiding the talking? Does he hang up when she walks in the room? When she asks who he was talking to, does he say "no one"? If so then that should answer your question about the man. If he doesn't do any of those then it just might be a self issue that you have not worked out yet.

Too many people get out of relationships but then they put all that bitterness, jadedness, anger, suspicions onto the next man. That's not fair to him or to yourself.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:40:52 AM

UllrsIshtar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women?

Yes, it should always be okay to ask, unless you're in a relationships where you've agreed that he has the right to demand you don't ask.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only?

No, loads of subs want monogamous relationships. It's really not uncommon at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

At what point should a collar be discussed??

Whenever either party feel it should be discussed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

I guess I didn't explain that he said he only wants me but continues to talk to other subs/slaves.

Do vanilla people expect their partners never to talk to people of the other sex?

Why do you feel BDSM would be different?

My husband talks to women all that time. I don't have the slightest issue with that.

Is it that he talks to other women which you have an issue with, or the idea that he may talk sexually with other women?

If it's the first, I suggest you try to figure out why you have such unfounded insecurity issues.
If it's the later, you should tell him that you want him to be monogamous, and that talking to other women in a sexual manner is unacceptable to you. If he refuses to agree to that, you should break up with him, because you're not right for each other.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

I don't want to be a brat but I don't think he should be chatting with his ex subs/slaves.

Why not?

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

Would it be okay if I chat with other Doms?

It depends on what your agreement is with him. But if there isn't one, then yes of course. Why would it be a problem for you to communicate with any other people, regardless of their D/s status?

_______

A man should be true to his word.

If you guys agreed to be monogamous, he should be that.
If you feel that "not talking to other subs in a non-sexual manner" is a requirement for you to consider him monogamous, you should explain that to him. If he agreed to that being a condition to your relationship, he should then hold himself to it. If he doesn't agree to it, and you can't get over it, you need to break up with him.

Try to think of your relationship with him without the BDSM labels. What would you expect from him if he was your boyfriend/husband. Now communicate that to him clearly and in detail, and find out if it's something he can live with or not.

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