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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 3:21:38 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Ishtar pretty much covered it.

OP - it sounds like you want us to say 'omg he's being totally unfair and wrong, and you're completely right'. We're not going to do that, because we don't have anywhere near enough information, and most of us are of the belief that there is no wrong or right, just what both people agree on.

Sit down, and talk to him. You need to both lay out on the table what you consider to be cheating, what makes you feel concerned, and what is acceptable. If your ideas are wildly different, you're probably not a match. Personally I wouldn't be with someone that didn't allow me to talk to other males/other doms, because that would be a sign of huge insecurity that would drive me nuts. On the other hand, I'd never give my husband reason to be concerned - there will be no sex talk with other people, no sneaking around or hiding conversations from him. I'd have no problem with him talking to his ex, or chatting to other women. I would have issues with him cybering or keeping secrets. Those are OUR limits. Yours may be different.

Also, how long have you been together? If you met this guy on here it can't have been very long. I dunno about you, but if I had just been on a couple of dates with a guy I wouldn't assume we were exclusive until we had that explicit conversation.

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Post #: 21

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 5:26:23 AM

DarkSteven

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Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women?

Of course. Ask away.

Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only?

Depends. If he's told you he's poly and you agreed to it, it's wrong. Otherwise, sure. However, "wanting" means nothing. You need to tell him.

At what point should a collar be discussed??

It varies from couple to couple. However, I'd say that the earliest would be after a couple of months.

Edited to add: My apologies to UllrsIshtar. Had I seen her response before I posted mine, I wouldn't have bothered. She covered it all.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 3/10/2013 5:43:30 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 6:50:40 AM

lizi

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Look, it's up to you and him. You should have a set of criteria in your head that you know works for you and you let a possible sweetie know about these things whenever it's prudent. That could be right away, it might be after a date or two. Same for him. There isn't some secret code that makes D/s relationships any different than the usual kind; I'm assuming you've had a couple of relationships by now, how did you approach those things in the past?

No, it's not wrong to want monogamy; if that is what you want, then make sure you find someone on board with it, so find out fairly quickly what his own personal relationship vision is like. It's not wrong to want polygamy or some other variation...no version is "wrong".

A collar is generally discussed somewhere in the beginning I'd think so the two people know if that is what they're working toward...when it's given is when the two of them decide it is the right next step in the relationship progression. It's not a one size fits all deal. Generally people view collars as a fairly significant step, it might take some time to get to that point of considering whether or not to offer/accept one.

If you're feeling confused then break things down to what you've experienced in the past. BDSM arrangements aren't any different at the core of things than any other relationship. In general, people date, see how things go, and either stay together or move on.

(in reply to flight1)

Post #: 23

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 6:58:56 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women?

Ahhh, yeahhhhh. But he isn't obligated to answer the way you want him to.

Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only?

No, it's not wrong but that doesn't mean you will get what you want.

At what point should a collar be discussed??

Given your post, not for a very lonnnnnnnnnng time.

Please help...I'm so confused!

Take a deep breath, realize that power exchange or not, all of the same rules of all relationships still apply. Focus on growing up some more.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/10/2013 6:59:59 AM >

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 24

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:00:33 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
Also, you're a bit old to be this naïve.

When I saw the thread title from the home screen, I thought to myself "she's 45." I won't check the profile.

You're young enough to know better. She isn't.

I see a similar phenomenon on Ask A Mistress. The men aged 18-26 who post there are much more likely to be well mannered, genuinely curious, and able to listen. Sub men aged 50+ who post there, unless they are in a relationship, tend to be Trolly McTrollstein.

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(in reply to Baroana)

Post #: 25

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:13:06 AM

bossman777

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What is "faithful" ? Does it mean someone who is committed to you and giving you all you need emotionally, sexually, and as your best friend and companion? Or does it just mean mere sexual monogamy? You have to define with him what it means to you both.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 26

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:33:36 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Interesting theory, RedMagic1 =p
I feel like I've seen enough gooniness regardless of age, I don't think I could make a classification that way.

To the OP - you can totally ask if he's seeing other women, you can totally decide what type of relationship you're looking for, and stick to that. Find someone who fits with that.
I do think it's possible that an older person just may not have considered that people COULD be poly. Even as a young person - before I met the guy I was with, I had heard of it on Jerry Springer and that was about it. =p I didn't have exposure to it in any functional sense. I mean it when I say I came from a very conservative small town.

It's possible that a lot of older people who have been living in a conservative or old-fashioned bubble just haven't yet experienced the different things the world offers out in the open now.

OP, if you want monogamy, make sure you make that known. Ideally, it should've been discussed a while ago. If you're looking for something lasting and committed, you don't want to jump into something with someone with different views and/or needs, something with a higher likelihood of coming apart. Those things should come out when you're getting to know each other. Like others have said - the rules of building relationships aren't magically different once BDSM is involved. The same rules apply.

Don't bother talking about collars until the two of you actually get to know each other better. You're probably nowhere near that point. We didn't talk about collars at all, he gave me one on Valentines the year after we met, but it wasn't like some big goal for us when we got together.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 3/10/2013 7:35:54 AM >

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Post #: 27

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:36:04 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
Interesting theory, RedMagic1 =p
I feel like I've seen enough gooniness regardless of age, I don't think I could make a classification that way.

If you'd like, you could run the following test.

The next five times you see a woman post to the message boards something like, "My dom says that a true slave has no limits, so he wants me to offer to cut off my fingers and toes, is that ok," check her age. It'll be above 40.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 28

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:37:22 AM

LillyBoPeep

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I've seen posts like that from younger chicks, too, though - probably an even amount from each group. Especially on FL. ESPECIALLY.

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Post #: 29

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:42:20 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

I've seen posts like that from younger chicks, too, though - probably an even amount from each group. Especially on FL. ESPECIALLY.

LOL, ok. I can't comment about FL, except that I saw very little stupid in the groups I used to read and post in. I've certainly noticed this pattern here.

The "important" age, I believe, is how long someone has felt comfortable with kink as a part of them. People brand new to kink, and to a kink relationship, often wonder what "kink rules" are, instead of already having found answers.

Have a great Sunday, pretty lady.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 30

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 7:45:40 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Yeah, just recently there was a girl who started a group for people to come for support when things went bad. Her story was "I felt bad about doing it, but gave this guy all my information. I finally got a clue when he wanted a copy of my driver's license but by then it was too late." Early 20s. =p

I agree that the important age is the time that a person has had exposure and become acclimated. Maybe for younger people, who'll follow trends more readily, this is happening earlier, and they're getting their knocks and learning from them, while older people are still sort of trickling in.

Have a great Sunday as well ^_^

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"Obey your Master." Metallica

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Post #: 31

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 8:02:51 AM

LadyPact

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OP, you got very good answers to your question. I've got one back to you.

What is your definition of monogamy?

Are you the type of person that defines monogamy as only having sex with each other? Does it mean that cyber sex with somebody else is also cheating? What about phone sex? How about flirting?

Get a really, really good definition of what monogamy means to you. Then, discuss it with the other person that you are involved with and ask him what his definition of monogamy means. Do they match? If not, can you come to a common ground agreement on what monogamy will mean in your relationship?

You've got two threads going about basically the same thing. It comes across as being rather insecure. Like Ishtar said, take the kink out of it. Would you be stewing like this if the person you were seeing were talking to his ex-wife or some other person that he used to date? There are lots of adult grown ups who know how to remain friends after a relationship is over and not want the more intimate relationship back.

If you don't trust the guy, drop him. Then, either fix your trust issues or find somebody that you do trust.

I'm going to throw this in there, too. I'm a Dominant female. I'd be damned if My sub would dictate to Me who I can and can not talk to.

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Post #: 32

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 8:10:03 AM

breagha

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Joined: 7/29/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Get a really, really good definition of what monogamy means to you. Then, discuss it with the other person that you are involved with and ask him what his definition of monogamy means. Do they match? If not, can you come to a common ground agreement on what monogamy will mean in your relationship?

i think this is very sound advice.

@OP- i held off on replying to this thread. Then i saw the other thread that was similar. i think that many of the people who replied to you in both places are right. i don't have much to add in the way of advice. i suspect that somewhere ( possibly many places ) in your past you have run into issues with your SO talking to ex's or other girls in a way that would be inappropriate to a monogamous relationship. i have been there. It isn't fun. Nor is it helpful in trusting people. As always, my advice would be to talk to your Dom directly about what is going on. personally i would just let him know that you are feeling insecure or jealous because of his discussions with his ex. Sometimes needing a little reassurance isn't a bad thing.

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Post #: 33

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 8:26:36 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm going to throw this in there, too. I'm a Dominant female. I'd be damned if My sub would dictate to Me who I can and can not talk to.
[/color]

Indeed. Even my vanilla husband wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. Nor would he ask whom I've been speaking with. We don't snoop into one another's phones or emails. We trust one another. He went out Friday night. I know there was much dancing, some drinking, and I have no idea what time he got home. I had no reason to stay up or be concerned who he was talking to or what he was doing. The same would be true if he was the one that stayed home and I was the one that went out.

I would feel no different if it was a formal power exchange relationship.

If a person cannot trust the person/s they are in a relationship with then they should not be in the relationship.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 34

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 8:27:24 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

If a person cannot trust the person/s they are in a relationship with then they should not be in the relationship.

yup!

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"Obey your Master." Metallica

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Post #: 35

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:18:54 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

I guess I didn't explain that he said he only wants me but continues to talk to other subs/slaves. I don't want to be a brat but I don't think he should be chatting with his ex subs/slaves. Would it be okay if I chat with other Doms?

Sounds like you have trust issues. So he talks with other girls. So what? Is he fucking them? Is he being intimate with them? If not, then what's the problem? Is it ok if you talk to other doms? Dunno. Ask Him. How would we know?

It can be a problem for some people, especially when actions do not match words. If he told her he only wants her and yet he speaks to other women, that is an issue and unless he is quite open about why he speak to other women, then that is a communications problem.

Also, it is not a sign of insecurity to want monogamy; it is a matter of values and preference.

Most importantly, just because you tell someone up front that you are monogamous and don't want someone who is not, it does not mean that the guy will not just agree with you and then act differently.

I know a ton of people who got hooked on what a guy said and then later down the line he did the opposite.

As far as should a Dom be faithful, it depends on whether you want one who is.

Edited to add what LaTigresse said in her last line. That is the bottom line.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 3/10/2013 12:23:40 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 36

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:25:12 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women?
I'd think so, unless the agreement was to not ask him about that issue. If a sub asked me about my seeing other men, I'd be fine with it. AND I'd be HONEST.

Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only?
It's not wrong to want whatever you want. But did he actually say he was "monogamous?" In your other thread, you said "He has said he only wants to be with me and I explained I don't get physically involved unless I'm in a monogamous relationship......he told me he is still talking to a previous slave. He didn't tell her about me......Should I be upset....because I'm hurt, I feel like he is cheating on me."

One, he said he only wanted to be with you(at that time at least) but he never said he was actually "monogamous." Monogamy vs polyamory is a discussion you two should have had before you got involved and, especially, before you got involved sexually. Two, it sounds like he was only talking with her & not having sex with her. Three, do you trust him? It sounds like you don't and I don't understand how a person can get into a D/s (or any other) relationship when they don't trust the other person.

At what point should a collar be discussed?? Please help...I'm so confused!
Based on this thread and your other one, a collar should not be discussed for a long long time. You don't even trust this person, so how can you seriously be thinking about wearing his collar? I think you two have a lot lot lot of discussions to have before you ever entertain the possibility of a collar.

Also, I noticed your profile said you are a newbie to the site and to the "lifestyle" (I hate using that word). I think using the search function to look up "sub frenzy" and reading some threads on it would be helpful to you. Many new subs fall prey to the frenzy and the good thing is, it doesn't last forever. The bad thing is, you can make some very bad and reckless decisions while you are in it's grip.

Slow down and breathe deeply. Take your time and enjoy every new experience along the way. It doesn't all have to happen right this very minute.

NBMG

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Post #: 37

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:34:57 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Based on this thread and your other one, a collar should not be discussed for a long long time. You don't even trust this person, so how can you seriously be thinking about wearing his collar?

She's seriously thinking about it because she views it as a way to control his actions with other women.

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Post #: 38

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:39:15 PM

searching4mysir

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Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

If he told her he only wants her and yet he speaks to other women, that is an issue

Why is that an issue? It is verbal communication. I would have to be fucked in the head if I expected my Master to never TALK to another woman for the rest of my life/our relationship. I speak with other men. That doesn't mean I'm flirting with them or trying to fuck them. Should I change lines at the bank because the teller is male? What about the clerk ringing up my grocery purchase? The postman?

It's a big world out there.

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Post #: 39

RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:43:19 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

If he told her he only wants her and yet he speaks to other women, that is an issue

Why is that an issue? It is verbal communication. I would have to be fucked in the head if I expected my Master to never TALK to another woman for the rest of my life/our relationship. I speak with other men. That doesn't mean I'm flirting with them or trying to fuck them. Should I change lines at the bank because the teller is male? What about the clerk ringing up my grocery purchase? The postman?

It's a big world out there.

No, I did not mean that. I should have been clearer, especially after reading her other thread.

I would never ever ask a partner of mine not to talk to other women unless it was in a sexual manner and I am monogamous. I had a partner who tried to forbid me from talking to any man and he was a jealous asshole.

I meant that if they had discussed being monogamous and he was not clear about who he was talking to, that would be an issue.

If he does not answer her questions about it, that would only make her more insecure and that is an issue as well.

And you are right of course, it is a big world out there! :)

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 3/10/2013 12:44:21 PM >

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 40

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