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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 12:51:38 PM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		I would think these things would be discussed before any "relationship" takes place.I am interested in cuckold.Not sure where that puts me but I would assume coomunication is a big plus.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 1:09:49 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


Based on this thread and your other one, a collar should not be discussed for a long long time. You don't even trust this person, so how can you seriously be thinking about wearing his collar?


She's seriously thinking about it because she views it as a way to control his actions with other women.


That's kind of funny, because, if the collar could control ANYONE, it would be HER. lol

NBMG


< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 3/10/2013 1:10:28 PM >

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 1:14:48 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


Based on this thread and your other one, a collar should not be discussed for a long long time. You don't even trust this person, so how can you seriously be thinking about wearing his collar?


She's seriously thinking about it because she views it as a way to control his actions with other women.


That's kind of funny, because, if the collar could control ANYONE, it would be HER. lol



You would be shocked apparently, how often a collar symbolizes the power and possessiveness a s-type has over a D-type.

For many s-types it seems to be a blackmail tool: "I now get to decide how I expect you to behave in this relationship, and what you are and aren't allowed to do; otherwise I'll stop putting out, and pout about you not being a twue d-type".

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 1:26:26 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


You would be shocked apparently, how often a collar symbolizes the power and possessiveness a s-type has over a D-type.

For many s-types it seems to be a blackmail tool: "I now get to decide how I expect you to behave in this relationship, and what you are and aren't allowed to do; otherwise I'll stop putting out, and pout about you not being a twue d-type".


Yup.

You'll notice that her thread contains "I want him to be monogamous" and "When should a collar be discussed?". Nothing else.

I've seen women that treat getting a wedding/engagement ring the same way.






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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/10/2013 2:43:10 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
You would be shocked apparently, how often a collar symbolizes the power and possessiveness a s-type has over a D-type.

For many s-types it seems to be a blackmail tool: "I now get to decide how I expect you to behave in this relationship, and what you are and aren't allowed to do; otherwise I'll stop putting out, and pout about you not being a twue d-type".

That sounds like blackmail to me. And an attempt at TFTB, which also wouldn't fly with me.

NBMG


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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 4:46:50 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		But I've seen it work very very well. We've even had quite a few shining examples show up on here.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 5:21:12 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR

In my opinion, you can't *demand* someone be faithful to you. Some people lean more toward monogamy and find being 'faithful' natural and normal, others claim to be faithful but they will be lying, and some lean toward poly and make that clear up front.

If monogamy is important to you, that needs to be established before you enter into a relationship. Once of the biggest deal breakers in this lifestyle is the issue of monogamy or polygamy, since people are wired one way or the other and expected them to change is futile (JMO).

You are allowed, however, to display a great deal of acceptance for the people you become involved with. In my own life, we have a poly family with my sub, and yet I am physically monogamous with Himself (I don't have sex with anyone else). That works for us, since Himself demands that level of ownership and control over me. Although I don't have sex with my sub, I do play with him, and I do have an intimate relationship with him and tell him I love him regularly.

For most male doms this wouldn't work, they'd have more issues with me telling another male I love him than they would me having sex with him. It all depends on what the people involved need and what they can accept.

Having said all that, that someone talks to members of the opposite sex doesn't mean jack shit, unless you know what they are talking about, and know that their discussions are in violation of your already accepted and agreed upon arrangement (for instance, if Himself found out I was having sex with my sub). BTW: If that were the case, I wouldn't be HIS sub anymore.

The OP most obviously needs to talk to this 'dom' -- but based on what little I've gathered from this thread, he's one of those grand poobah types who stifle conversation about their own motivations and actions -- so I don't expect she will get much of a response from him.

OP, please look within yourself to determine why you don't understand that the basis of any relationship is GOOD communication.








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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 8:52:54 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I'm going to throw this in there, too. I'm a Dominant female. I'd be damned if My sub would dictate to Me who I can and can not talk to.

I'll go you one further. That is considered edge-play in the male dom world. The moment some male dominant talks about restricting who is sub/slave can talk to the cries of abuse start echoing in the thread.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 9:39:12 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		As has been mentioned, this should have been part of your discussions before you entered the relationship. That boat has obviously sailed! So here it is. Whether or not a couple is expected to be monogamous is up to each couple. What you need to do is to have a discussion with your Dom about your expectations and his expectations.

If your desire is to have him only to yourself and his desire is to have other relationships, the two of you are not compatible. Best to break it off now. Asking either party to be other than they are will only lead to a poor relationship destined to be broken.

If even the idea of him talking to other subs is an issue for you, it is doubly discouraging this part of your relationship was not discussed up front. That you have not discussed this tells me there are communication issues between the two of you, and probably not on this topic alone.

The two of you need to talk, honestly and forthrightly. This should be ongoing as long as you are in the relationship. Or any relationship for that matter. If the two of you find you cannot communicate effectively, time to move on because neither of you will be happy.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 11:58:29 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I'll go you one further. That is considered edge-play in the male dom world. The moment some male dominant talks about restricting who is sub/slave can talk to the cries of abuse start echoing in the thread.
I'm going to give you that one. I'll also say that some male Doms put up with shit that I never would.

Let's put this out there, though. Regardless of gender, when a Dominant wants a person to sever contact with everyone that the person knows, I don't take that to be a good sign. Especially family and friendships that were in existence prior to the dynamic. I tend to see that as an attempt at seclusion and that can be a warning sign of the relationship becoming abusive.

That's something different than a Dominant spotting a relationship that the submissive has with somebody else where the relationship is toxic or the other person is attempting to interfere with the dynamic. We've run across it three times in one version or another in the past six years where I've said it wasn't going to continue until something improved.

A good example of this is how things work in our dynamic that clip's time is My time, therefore, if somebody wants a favor from him that will consume his time, I get asked first. If that can't be respected, clip brings that to My attention. I deal with the situation from there. If it continues, clip no longer takes phone calls or answers mail from that person and that person either contacts Me or drops it all together. Either way, that person is no longer attempting to circumvent the rules of our dynamic.



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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 12:37:04 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

First meet someone in person.

Then date and get to know them

Then discuss a d/s relationship and work out exactly what the terms will be.

BINGO! ^THAT is how it is done!

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 12:40:21 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
You would be shocked apparently, how often a collar symbolizes the power and possessiveness a s-type has over a D-type.

For many s-types it seems to be a blackmail tool: "I now get to decide how I expect you to behave in this relationship, and what you are and aren't allowed to do; otherwise I'll stop putting out, and pout about you not being a twue d-type".

That sounds like blackmail to me. And an attempt at TFTB, which also wouldn't fly with me.

NBMG


Yes, exactly...*removes sub's Collar, pitches it into the Androscoggin river*
--MM

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 1:13:47 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I'll go you one further. That is considered edge-play in the male dom world. The moment some male dominant talks about restricting who is sub/slave can talk to the cries of abuse start echoing in the thread.


Let's put this out there, though. Regardless of gender, when a Dominant wants a person to sever contact with everyone that the person knows, I don't take that to be a good sign. Especially family and friendships that were in existence prior to the dynamic. I tend to see that as an attempt at seclusion and that can be a warning sign of the relationship becoming abusive.

That's something different than a Dominant spotting a relationship that the submissive has with somebody else where the relationship is toxic or the other person is attempting to interfere with the dynamic.



Well said, I believe people need a network of friends to be healthy, and a network of healthy friends to keep life in perspective, so I encourage interaction with friends and relatives unless they are as you put it, "toxic".
However, when we are agreeing to a D/s dynamic--and Mine are for longterm--I do prefer subs limit or eliminate other Dominants who might interfere with O/our dynamic by influencing their thinking or behavior. For instance, if we have a certain "thing" going, perhaps something we are working on together (if I am Coaching them on a Life Goal for instance), and an outside Dominant is trying to fix a different set of ideas in My sub's mind, that's definitely not going to fly with Me since it's counterproductive, and a good sub SHOULD be able to eliminate that outsider on his own---preferably without My urging or limiting him---in support of our relationship.

As for the original OP's question, "Should Doms be faithful?" Well, if the Dominant is looking to have more than one sub, obviously it's not a monogamous relationship, however they CAN be "faithful" to both subs within a polyamourous relationship. If monogamy is important to you, then that should have been established UP FRONT, before any D/s dynamic was entered into. Once the D/s is established and you as a sub try to enforce rules for your Dominant, well that's topping from the bottom and most Dominants aren't going to respond well to it, to say the least. You might want to ask for a "time-out for renegotiation" if He is willing to do so, and then the two of you can figure out where the relationship is actually headed.
Collars have different meanings in different relationships. You and your Dominant will have to establish what a Collar would mean in yours before determining "when" is the right time for one. From the questions you've posted I'd say you are still quite a ways from that point.
--MM

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 1:15:28 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		I don't believe being dominant gives somebody an excuse to betray others. No personality trait or label allows that.

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RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 8:53:24 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		I would ask a dom if she's seeing a woman, or another man. The answer would not be a deal breaker or maker. But, that's only for me.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you feel is right for you. However, that doesn't mean you'll get it. If it's a deal breaker, i.e. you would not consent to be in a relationship in which he was allowed to see other women, you have every right, in fact, you have the responsibility to make sure he understands that. If he can't agree to it, it's better to know early that the relationship won't work than to find out a couple of years down the line.

There is no "point" at which a collar should be discussed. The time to discuss a collar is when BOTH of you feel comfortable discussing it, when both of you have gained the trust in the other to discuss it. Discuss a collar at about the same point where you would discuss a wedding ring.

A successful BDSM relationship looks just like a successful vanilla relationship, except there's kink involved. You're obviously new to this. Do NOT rush into anything. Join your local BDSM community, go to as many events as you can, make as many friends as you can and learn.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flight1

Is it okay to ask a Dom if he is seeing other women? Is it wrong to want your Dom to be faithful to you only? At what point should a collar be discussed?? Please help...I'm so confused!


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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 9:21:38 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

I don't believe being dominant gives somebody an excuse to betray others. No personality trait or label allows that.


True. However, this woman seems to think that just *talking* with another submissive is cheating. Someone break out the fabric softener...we have a clinger!

My Daddy knows I'm poly and would never suggest that I couldn't talk to other men. Why? Because it's a vital part of who I am, and he knows better than to try to change me. I submit to him because he loves me enough to trust me.

Without trust, there is no M/s or D/s relationship. It's just not possible. So think about that, OP, the next time you get your panties in a twist because your guy chats with other women.

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/11/2013 9:40:28 PM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, doms should be faithful, but they are not always, just like everybody else.

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/12/2013 10:39:45 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		If by being faithful you are talking honesty, not going behind ones back, then yes. Even in a poly world, we all expect that.

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/12/2013 11:05:08 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		For me this would be a deal breaker.  We discussed this right at that beginng and i said if i am to be youes i have to be th onlyone.  If he did not agree to that it oud not hurtour relatinoship bvause thre would be no relationship.   I mean e can have and play with as many subs if that what he wants, but then he would not have me.  If i am faithful to him he had to be faithful to me.  It was all good he said you are the only girl i want or need.  So just him and i in the relationship.  He said i believer in quality not quanity.

Matt's littleone




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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: should Doms be faithful? - 3/14/2013 6:28:35 PM   
Indio19


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/14/2013
Status: offline 		If anyone commits to an exclusive relationship, they should be exclusive. If you start seeing someone and want to have an exclusive relationship with them, you should ask how they feel about that, and have a discussion about your respective needs and wants. This applies to any sort of relationship. If you want him to be exclusive with you, ask him if that's possible for him.

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Profile   Post #: 60
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