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If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then what IS your D/s activity about?


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If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then what... - 3/19/2013 8:52:53 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		In another thread, it was (shockingly) revealed to me, even after all these years, that D/s play is not about sexual activity (for some people).
How important is a submissive's orgasm in your D/s play?

That revelation (that it's not about 'S-E-X' to some people) in and of itself, came as a huge shock to me, which I'm just coming to grips with; but, this epiphany might just be the missing link that explains a LOT of things that had confused me in the past about how people act on this forum (e.g., pictures of naughty bits are of no interest to some, as just one example).

So, I ask the bare-bones basic question below, in order to figure out WHAT D/s activity IS for those people who do not consider it another form of foreplay...

Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Note: When I use the word 'sex', it doesn't mean intercourse - but it does mean orgasm - for both partners - at least as frequently as it would be in the vanilla relationship with the same partner.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 8:55:06 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Power

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 8:55:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Art.

Sensations.

Head space.

Control.

Pain.

Power.

Fun.

Curiosity.

Cause/effect.

I could keep going, but you get the idea.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:06:38 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Power



quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Sensations, Head space, Control, Pain, Power, Fun, Curiosity, Cause/effect.
I could keep going, but you get the idea.


I don't mean to pry too deeply, but, looking at your profiles, and w/o pinpointing anything in particular, the former appears to be a straight male looking (mostly) for submissive females while the latter appears to be a straight female looking for the same (although both seek sub/sub couples, which complicates a simple analysis).

Having said that, if it was REALLY about, say, POWER, why would the gender of the counterpart even matter?



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:11:43 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Actually, My profile shouldn't say that I'm looking for anything. I'll have to recheck it.

Part of the problem, I think, with your reasoning is that you believe it's an either/or concept, when it's really not. Casual play partners, frankly, their gender doesn't matter to Me at all.

My relationships are only with men. That includes sexuality. If I collar someone, sex is going to be a part of that.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to pompeii)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:13:50 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		First and foremost it is the power exchange.  He is in charge.  He is the boss and we like it that way.

Second, it is service.  I need to be needed.  I need to know that I make a difference in his life.  With his health failing this means that I get to do most of the heavier work such as lifting and carrying things.  I also have to know when he is able to do something for himself and stand back to let him do it even if I could do it faster. 

Third, it's the play.  It's the sensations and the pain.  He's a sadist.  I'm a masochist.  We do well together.  The play is also fun.  We laugh a heck of a lot when he's flogging me or when we are enjoying the violet wand.  He can make me blush with a look or a word and enjoys doing that when we're out having dinner or drinks.  

I could spend all night trying to explain the type of life we life.  However, it's hard to explain to someone whose point of view is so different.  All you really need to know is that it works for us.  It suits us.  We don't care if others might find our life strange.  We are very happy doing what we do. 

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to pompeii)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:13:53 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Actually, My profile shouldn't say that I'm looking for anything. I'll have to recheck it.

Part of the problem, I think, with your reasoning is that you believe it's an either/or concept, when it's really not. Casual play partners, frankly, their gender doesn't matter to Me at all.

My relationships are only with men. That includes sexuality. If I collar someone, sex is going to be a part of that.




LP.

When I look at it says:

quote:

Actively Seeking:
Submissive Men
Sub/Sub Couples
Friends Only
Joining a Poly Household


_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:16:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Fixed. Thank you very much. I'll bet I haven't changed those little check boxes since 2007!


ETA - I apologize for the distraction there.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/19/2013 9:17:15 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:30:30 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I think the types of D/s activities other than sex,
that are infused with sexual undertones/overtones,
and the mundane everyday D/s stuff both have the
general theme of power exchange, and giving up or
assuming control depending on which side you look
at it from.

I wouldn't think those things are sexual in and of
themselves, but whatever the case, power and
control can have a strong aphrodisiac effect for
some in certain situations. An effect which I'm sure
many people here would be acquainted with.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:43:27 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Surely you are being sarcastic when you say the fact it isnt sexual for some, is shocking to you. I hope.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:50:21 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		It is not not about sexuality. Sex is often simmered into the mix. It is that sex is something that the dominant may take, control, and/or dictate or that I may take, control, and/or dictate as the case may be. The dominant is in control and has sway to have certain requirements of me. I am, in the case of a dominant partner, seeking release from control (in total so much as is possible, or in a very narrow and limit area or time) and an outlet for my nurture needs. Additionally, like sex, pain and such can come into play in the course of taking control. It is a tool used in such relationships, not the point of the relationship generally speaking.

I hope that made sense. It's late.

SD

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 9:56:02 PM   
azboytoy22


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/10/2013
Status: offline 		While many of the traditional activities one would associate with the lifestyle does in fact turn me on (and Her) and thus naturally builds towards that, I think it is more than that. As others have said, its all about power. Doing something that if it was solely up to me, I probably wouldn't be doing it, but because She wants it done either because She told me or because I know She wants it done often provides me a greater and deeper satisfaction than sex provides.

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:03:22 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
First and foremost it is the power exchange.  He is in charge. 


Is gender part of the equation?

Or could the power exchange just as well be with a She?

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:03:23 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		It's my opinion, at least in my life, that WIIWD is about sex to about the degree that marriage is about sex. Certainly sex comes into play in most marriages, though not all. Some are marriages of convience of differant kinds, some are sexless for other personal reasons, some (though by no means all) people lose interest in sex as they age, ect., ect. And some D/s dynamics do not include sex. Though most do. But that doesn't mean that the dynamic is based on sex, or that sex was the most important factor when seeking the partner they eventually found. For me, I am naturally submissive, but not interested in a master that is not also my partner in every way, with me just happening to be the submissive partner. So it is also about companionship, service, daily life - that sort of thing. too many things to list, really. And I want them all - not just the sex.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:04:56 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I wouldn't think those things are sexual in and of themselves


Again, I am forced to ask, because it is central to the entire question, would it matter, in your case, whether it was a He or a She?

It _is_ a critical question, and the answer is (nearly) meaningless w/o that key bit of information ...

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:07:10 PM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
is about sex to about the degree that marriage is about sex.


I've met plenty of men who didn't have enough sex in a marriage - but I never ever met a man who didn't want sex OUT of a marriage.

Consummation is fundamental to marriage, as I know it (or wish I did - but that's a different story altogether).

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:12:14 PM   
usemetopleaseyou


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/16/2010
Status: offline 		Anyone who says kinky play isn't about sex is either lying or pulling your leg.
Same thing with a marriage.

If they have ANY gender preference whatsoever, then it's about sex.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:20:26 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii


quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
First and foremost it is the power exchange.  He is in charge. 


Is gender part of the equation?

Or could the power exchange just as well be with a She?




I have a similar answer. And I can do BDSM with a man and have NOTHING sexual happen, even no kissing, but if the interaction includes some key elements of "authentic suffering" to sadism and I'm in charge, I get satisfaction. It doesn't have to be directly sexual - it has to be sadistic, humiliating, or involve bondage, though.

But yes, the "rush" I get from VERY good BDSM (that has chemistry) feels similar to an orgasm, but it isn't. I get extremely wet and "hot" when I do S&M, but my instinct/reaction to that arousal isn't "oh I want to have sex," or "I need to have an orgasm in response to this arousal," it is "I need to be more sadistic and continue feeling THIS feeling."

If I have the type of relationship with a man sexually that we're also lovers, I can transition from BDSM/pain interaction to sensual/lovemaking/whatever, but to be honest, I can also keep both things separate, and both are HOT on their own. My head tends to still be full of kinky thoughts when having vanilla sex though.

Akasha



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:24:39 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: usemetopleaseyou

Anyone who says kinky play isn't about sex is either lying or pulling your leg.
Same thing with a marriage.

If they have ANY gender preference whatsoever, then it's about sex.
You're rather off base. Frankly, about a third of the people that I play with (S/m) are female. It has nothing to do with sex for Me when I play with them. Hurt them? You bet! Sex, however, doesn't enter into it at all.

I can stand in as a person's Dominant for an event, where I am an extension of that person's Dominant, and they can be in service to Me for the time period allotted. Still not sex.

"Kinky play" isn't a relationship. It's also not necessarily a sexual encounter.

I'm actually more M/s minded than D/s minded. With M/s, I include ownership in that package. That means I own everything about that person including their sexuality. I happen to be straight. That means, to Me, that a female s isn't going to be able to fulfill the requirements of My sexuality, and frankly, I don't want theirs. To Me, that means the ownership is not complete.

Casual play, and even D/s, doesn't fit that whole ball of wax from where I sit in My opinions in the difference between the three.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to usemetopleaseyou)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/19/2013 10:45:32 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		The mental aspect of things.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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