RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then what IS your D/s activity about?

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RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/23/2013 6:01:34 PM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

I am late the party, but here's my answer to the OP's question.......

I enjoy D/s both ways. More often it is sexual, but there are times when my stress level is high and I have a ton of things I am responsible for. A really good, intense encounter offers a brief escape from that and I am so much more at ease following it. It is a release for me and one that I need from time to time.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 61

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/26/2013 8:25:13 PM

Glittoris

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/24/2013
Status: offline

For me it's about control, meeting the needs of my partner, him meeting mine, the relationship as a whole. Sex is a part of someof my D/s rships, others are strictly a power exchange with romantic things that happen [romantic being spending time out at dinner, seeing a movie, camping, fishing, whatever we consider romantic].
I prefer men and don't want to dominate a woman, simple as that. It's about the greater sum of the whole dynamic, not just one fraction of it.

_____________________________

Life is short, enjoy the time you have with someone who loves you...
10 Golden Rules for BDSM Negotiation

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 62

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/26/2013 9:14:55 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

What is my D/s activity about if it's not about sexuality?

Well...

...making household budgets
making sure the bills are paid on time
making sure we both ate mostly healthy and drank plenty of water
riding rollercoasters together
laughing over him brooming the cat
having established methods of my getting food I like at new restaurants
having someone other than me fold the laundry
sharing the experience of climbing a mountain together
feeding ground squirrels by hand
having someone else to cook and bring my food just how I want it
having someone to kick the fuck out of the kitchen while I made Christmas dinners
being able to say "I want that" and having it done or gotten for me
being in charge of planning and organizing major moves for the household
telling him when he was to get his butt back to the doctor for something
getting my feet rubbed on a regular basis just how I liked
just making "that face" meaning we're absolutely not seeing that movie tonight
and so on...

It's about being me with someone else who likes who that is. I'm bossy, like to have my way, am uptight about planning and budgeting, enjoy being doted on, and am both very serious and very whimsical. Being in a mutually-comfortable D/s relationship means, those aspects of me balance out with someone else's personality and I am free to show them and be those ways.

Basically, when I thought it was best for his health and mental well-being I was able to walk into the room and say "I want you to retire this year instead of three years from now" and he said "Okay, I'll put in my packet Monday". I weighed the options and what could be done safely health and budget-wise and made a decision, he did as he was told. THAT's what it's about for me: wanting my way and getting it.

Not sexual, just ultimately self-centered.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Glittoris)

Post #: 63

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/26/2013 9:37:35 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

Power Exchange.Thats the best term I can think of for the type of relationship I seek.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 64

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 6:41:45 AM

majikats

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/24/2012
Status: offline

D/s for me is more about the mental than the physical. I imagine this is because I have never equated love with sex; nor do I really feel a need to. I don't particularly feel broken or in any way that my relationships have suffered because this love/sex thing isn't connected for me.

What I have found about this lifestyle is that it allows me to be my "truest me" without any socially dictated constructs about how I should act/feel/react/be because of my job, my family, my public persona. I'm not sure how much sense that makes right at the moment, but I just wanted to chime in with my perspective that D/s is not about sexuality (for me). YMMV.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 65

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 7:22:10 AM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

This question keeps getting asked in many forms.I guess my question has been answered from a earlier post I made.Clearly D/s relationship survive just well without the sexuality.If anything,it seems there are some relationship that don't even involved sex.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to majikats)

Post #: 66

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 7:26:57 AM

Pyramus

Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

quote:

it seems there are some relationship that don't even involved sex.

Yeah, like marriage!

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 67

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 9:19:24 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lthrpup
Adults can play with each other without having sex. Like a massage, BDSM can be enjoyed without a happy ending. I have gotten hard during BDSM encounters in which sex was not on the table (or anywhere else). Don't assume BDSM is always about sex just because it is intertwined with pleasure and arousal; so is chocolate.

I've stayed out of this conversation because so many of the participants seem to be closed-minded, and lacking in imagination. But the comment above captures what I would have said had I commented earlier. But I would have added that drugs fit into that description, just like chocolate does. And like chocolate, drugs are not sex.

While BDSM may be all about sex to SOME, why is it so difficult to believe that it might not be so to others? That's like saying that ALL marriages are about "love". The reality is that some people marry for financial reasons. Some marry because they got pregnant. Some marry because they are tired of being alone. Some marry because having the right partner will help their career. Some cultures even have arranged marriages.

I have acted as a "service sub". There was NO sex in the relationship. EVER. The thrill was in the power exchange. Those of you who see BDSM as strictly sexual are failing to understand that some of us have other motivations. For me, power exchange is an end unto itself.

I've also been involved in relationships in which long-term chastity was a component. For those who say that it's about sex, then how do you reconcile a relationship that includes long-term chastity? And all you have to do is go on FetLife, and you'll see that there are dozens of groups focused on chastity, chastity devices, ruined orgasms, cuckolding, tease & denial, and small cock humiliation. These are all kinks in which NOT HAVING SEX is a key component.

I know of one gentleman who is in a cuckold marriage in which his wife has sex exclusively with her bulls. He hasn't had sex with her for at least 3 years. He is allowed to masturbate occasionally as a reward. But theirs is a sexless marriage (for him). Yet, he is extremely happy. And so is she. She gets a husband who is a great provider, but a poor lover. And bulls to make up for his shortcomings. And he gets the dominant wife of his dreams. He is actually living the cuckold, small-cock humiliation lifestyle that he fantasized about for years, and he couldn't be happier. Seems like a win/win to me.

And I don't even have to mention the "bottoms" and "tops" that I see at just about every play party that I attend. They are typically unpartnered. But they come to the party in the hope that someone will tie them up, or flog them, or lock them in a cage. But because the person who does these things to them is not their actual partner (but merely a "top"), there is no sex following the kinky play. They each go their separate ways, happy that they got to scratch their itch for pain, or bondage, or whatever their particular kink may be.

These are such basic concepts that I am struggling to understand why so many can't seem to grasp them.

_____________________________

"The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers".
-Robert Kirkman, The Walking Dead

(in reply to lthrpup)

Post #: 68

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 9:33:40 AM

UnholyBear

Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: usemetopleaseyou

Anyone who says kinky play isn't about sex is either lying or pulling your leg.
Same thing with a marriage.

If they have ANY gender preference whatsoever, then it's about sex.

Wrong.

Sorry to burst your delusion but some of us are quite able to separate kinky play from sex. I am able to engage in kinky play with either men or women and do so often.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore

(in reply to usemetopleaseyou)

Post #: 69

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 11:25:53 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

it seems there are some relationship that don't even involved sex.

Indeed. The one I talked about above definitely had sex (we were married for 15 years, together for 16), but the D/s wasn't about sex. It was just the everyday way we interacted. Sexy times were about sex.

Other relationships I've had that were D/s, well, some involved sex and a good many haven't at all. The D/s isn't about sex to me, whether or not that partner and I are a sexual couple.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Pyramus)

Post #: 70

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 11:53:36 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
Indeed. The one I talked about above definitely had sex (we were married for 15 years, together for 16), but the D/s wasn't about sex. It was just the everyday way we interacted. Sexy times were about sex.

This. For Carol & I the D/s isn't about anything other than D/s. Our marriage is not about sex either. Sex is about sex.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 71

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 11:56:44 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnholyBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: usemetopleaseyou

Anyone who says kinky play isn't about sex is either lying or pulling your leg.
Same thing with a marriage.

If they have ANY gender preference whatsoever, then it's about sex.

Wrong.

Sorry to burst your delusion but some of us are quite able to separate kinky play from sex. I am able to engage in kinky play with either men or women and do so often.

Ditto to Bear's comments. I am het... I will and have played with Males. It is no where close to a sexual experience to me when I play with men lol. Actually when I first had experienced the of play with a Male is when i was finally able to make the distinction for myself on the sexuality of play from the power of play. Though I still struggle with articulating that difference for others to understand.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to UnholyBear)

Post #: 72

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/27/2013 4:26:53 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

For myself, D/s is an integral part of my relationship, and my relationships always entail sex. I don't play for it's own sake; I do, because it turns me on, usually.
I do understand however, how there can be a D/s relationship, without sex any day. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 73

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/28/2013 7:31:52 AM

Zonie63

Posts: 2826
Joined: 4/25/2011
From: The Old Pueblo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I've also been involved in relationships in which long-term chastity was a component. For those who say that it's about sex, then how do you reconcile a relationship that includes long-term chastity? And all you have to do is go on FetLife, and you'll see that there are dozens of groups focused on chastity, chastity devices, ruined orgasms, cuckolding, tease & denial, and small cock humiliation. These are all kinks in which NOT HAVING SEX is a key component.

Still, sex is in there somewhere. Chastity, tease/denial, cuckolding, small cock humiliation - these all have a sexual component to them, even if the situation doesn't involve direct intercourse with penetration. To deny that there's a sexual component to all of this seems...inaccurate. That may be why others are confused.

quote:

I know of one gentleman who is in a cuckold marriage in which his wife has sex exclusively with her bulls. He hasn't had sex with her for at least 3 years. He is allowed to masturbate occasionally as a reward. But theirs is a sexless marriage (for him). Yet, he is extremely happy. And so is she. She gets a husband who is a great provider, but a poor lover. And bulls to make up for his shortcomings. And he gets the dominant wife of his dreams. He is actually living the cuckold, small-cock humiliation lifestyle that he fantasized about for years, and he couldn't be happier. Seems like a win/win to me.

And I don't even have to mention the "bottoms" and "tops" that I see at just about every play party that I attend. They are typically unpartnered. But they come to the party in the hope that someone will tie them up, or flog them, or lock them in a cage. But because the person who does these things to them is not their actual partner (but merely a "top"), there is no sex following the kinky play. They each go their separate ways, happy that they got to scratch their itch for pain, or bondage, or whatever their particular kink may be.

These are such basic concepts that I am struggling to understand why so many can't seem to grasp them.

I think it may be due to differences in terminology. Some people may think of "sex" as solely meaning "sexual intercourse," although there might be others who think of "no sex" as not just no intercourse, but no oral sex, no masturbation, no cuckolding, no small cock humiliation, no tease/denial, no flesh, no nudity, no twinkle in the eye, no impure thoughts whatsoever.

"No sex" could mean an absolute in some people's eyes (possibly falling back on old religious prohibitions regarding sex and impure thoughts). Their definition could cover a much larger range of activities and thoughts than just direct intercourse.

The confusion over this doesn't seem all that new either. I remember back during the Clinton years, there were those questioning whether a blow job counted as "sex" in determining whether someone was guilty of adultery or not. It was good fodder for comedians, but I see shades of that in discussions like this.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 74

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/28/2013 8:05:11 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
I think it may be due to differences in terminology. Some people may think of "sex" as solely meaning "sexual intercourse,

Actually, for me the difference in terminology is quite opposite. Some people may think "D/s" as solely meaning "sexual "D/s". This entire thread is evidence of that. Given that humans both dominate and submit to other humans constantly... as a routine part of normal vanilla life... the fact that someone would even the OP speaks volumes regarding the limited focus being applied to the words "dominate" and "submit".

Humans obey other humans all the time.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Zonie63)

Post #: 75

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/28/2013 11:12:10 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Power. It awes me and humbles me. I want to follow the people who have it or at least explore the possibility with them and I want to lead the people who don't.

The Magic Cunt <-- While gender based as a sort of tongue-in-cheek response to what was going on in the forums at the time, this does sum up my thoughts on the subject pretty well.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 76

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/28/2013 5:27:18 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Human interaction on an intimate level. And by intimate I mean personal, emotional, mental, spiritual AND physical. It's a relationship - all encompassing. It's the sum of all of its parts, sex being one of them. It's no more about sex than it is about listening to music. Or watching movies. Or going for walks along the river.

Saying "It's about sex" just seems so one-dimensional to me. My relationship with him includes sex but is not about sex. And no, I would not have this relationship with a woman because a relationship like this includes sex and I am sexually attracted to men. I *have* had similar relationships with women, sans the sex.

So no, my relationship with him is not "about sex." Why would I want to limit it to that? It's about everything.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 77

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/28/2013 10:45:22 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
I think it may be due to differences in terminology. Some people may think of "sex" as solely meaning "sexual intercourse," although there might be others who think of "no sex" as not just no intercourse, but no oral sex, no masturbation, no cuckolding, no small cock humiliation, no tease/denial, no flesh, no nudity, no twinkle in the eye, no impure thoughts whatsoever.

"No sex" could mean an absolute in some people's eyes (possibly falling back on old religious prohibitions regarding sex and impure thoughts). Their definition could cover a much larger range of activities and thoughts than just direct intercourse.

S/M, bondage, and D/s certainly *can* be sexual, and if I'm in a relationship with that person, we're certainly going to be sexual. However, I don't consider topping or bottoming someone to be sex, even if I'm mildly aroused by it, just as I wouldn't consider formal partner dancing at a class or some such to be sex, even if I got a bit turned on by a particular song or some such. I have used my "yellow" safeword (or equivalent) if I get too turned on by someone I'm not romantically dating, and I don't do casual sex or genital play.

When I bottom, it can inspire all sorts of emotions and reactions. Sometimes I'm goofy, sometimes terrified, sometimes meditative and peaceful. The lash of the whip can drive me to catharsis and tears, or just leave me in a dazed glow, unable to say my safeword, "no," or my own name. Rarely, I can get angry, though that is more common in resistance-play, where I'm probably going to be fighting back. A cane or crop flicker like fire over my skin when they strike me, I know, since literal fire feels similar before it is smothered with a caress. It can be an expression of love and caring.

Likewise, Topping can be silly, predatory, artistic, and so forth, though it doesn't tend to evoke quite as wide a range of emotions.

Submission often is more the service and chores - waiting on hold for voicemail, or in line, doing dishes or scrubbing the bathroom, wanting to be useful.
Dominance is being responsible for my partner, enjoying their service and expressions of care.

(in reply to Zonie63)

Post #: 78

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/29/2013 12:57:14 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

It's interesting to read back and see where
everyone stood in this thread, and I'm satisfied
with the results.

It's good to see you posting again BitaTruble,
I haven't seen you posting for a while.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 79

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/29/2013 8:16:05 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Basically it sounds like to alot of people, its like vanilla with a heightened sense of honesty, respect, sacrifice, service, or guiddance and maybe love with regards to another individual.

And none of those things have a thing to do with sex. BUt it might or might not be included.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 80

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