RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then what IS your D/s activity about?

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RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 7:47:52 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
LOL, I think it's a good distinction. Sometimes doms like to argue that somebody is not a sub. I think we should start having distinction between natural born followers to non-natural ones like myself.

That's why I like to get away from the terms "dominant" and "submissive". In this community they are so intertwined with people's sense of self worth that it's hard to have an objective discussion. I find that unfortunate since hanging one's self-worth on some label like "dominant" (rather than say, "honorable") seems the height of foolishness to me.

We have some friends who are M/s in our local neighborhood. Honestly, the slave could be me in a female body (and younger). We often laugh about how she & I are cut from the same cloth. All of that alpha tendency means that she is not like Carol and her submission is very different than Carol's. In some ways it's better. In other ways worse. "Different" is really the right way to put it. None of that stops her from doing what her master tells her to do and in general being half of a really good relationship. Even from my "one strike and your out" viewpoint I admire her obedience and commitment and integrity. It just all derives from a different place than Carol's does and so it has a different flavor and different strengths & weaknesses.

Oh, and I'm convinced that the term "natural" is really a red herring the way it's used in BDSM-land. I'm pretty sure that the relationships people choose to form always seem natural to them. One might call the friend I referenced above a "natural slave" in that despite her very dominant personality she seems to have a strong desire to submit within the context of her primary relationship. This is why I always struggle with wording... this shit is complex and nuanced. The simple little BDSM boxes really fall far short of reality.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 3/20/2013 7:50:59 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 41

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 7:59:17 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Power

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Sensations, Head space, Control, Pain, Power, Fun, Curiosity, Cause/effect.
I could keep going, but you get the idea.

I don't mean to pry too deeply, but, looking at your profiles, and w/o pinpointing anything in particular, the former appears to be a straight male looking (mostly) for submissive females while the latter appears to be a straight female looking for the same (although both seek sub/sub couples, which complicates a simple analysis).

Having said that, if it was REALLY about, say, POWER, why would the gender of the counterpart even matter?

Simple... Because not all play is about d/s. just like not all play is about sex. I am hetro I fuck women.... I also play men non- sexual... Just like I play women non sexually. Then. Every now and again I wanna fuck!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 42

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 8:20:42 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

FR

To be perfectly honest, I was the same when I first came here, believing it all had to do with sex. I asked myself the same question as you have done here. After all, I do get turned on when he takes control of any situation outside the bedroom. But, after reading through others' comments over various threads over a short time and thought about it, I realized it was not about sex - sex is just a component.
For me, having someone in control means two things. First, I have found someone that I care, trust, and respect enough about to give them control. Secondly, a person cares enough about me to spend the time and energy to take control. If I had to take sex out of the equation, that's what I'd be left with.
As to why I want to give control, it's a part of me. I've always been a people pleaser and it makes me happy to see others happy.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 43

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 8:40:27 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

If D/s is about sex FOR YOU, more power to you. However not all of us lead with our genitalia. Being bisexual myself, I can and do elect to fuck both women and men. Sometimes that sex is in the context of BDSM, but I've been dominant in situations where I've never even gotten undressed and the last thing on my mind at the time is an orgasm. If I'm in a monogamous relationship with someone, I still attend BDSM events and I still top...but I don't get undressed in public and I don't engage in any sexual activity with the bottom. So it's entirely possible to engage in kink play and leave getting off out of it completely. My BDSM is about my mind, not about my vagina.

If its not sex, it's just talk? Hmm, interesting. I'll have to ask those who have bottomed for me if my raking my fingernails down their back or working them over with my flogger was just friendly conversation.

For me, it's about power, control, aggression, and all other things that I enjoy.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 3/20/2013 8:43:13 AM >

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 44

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 9:34:41 AM

SpaceSpank

Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline

BDSM in general, and various forms of D/s play included are not inherently about sex. Even sex is not always about sex.

Now, is a lot of play inherently arousing or sensual, if not overtly sexual? Hell yes it is.

People can get aroused playing sports, giving speeches, or even eating a damned good meal. D/s play is supposed to be enjoyable to both (even if it involves things like pain and humiliation). To expect that one or more parties would not get aroused sometimes, even when it's not even remotely revolving around sex, would be folly.

As for gender preference. It depends what play means to you personally. But if you only play with people you are sexually attracted to/want to fuck then that means play, for you, is as much about sex as anything else... but that doesn't make it true for everyone.

For me personally? I don't like play much with ANYONE who is not "my" sub, or involving her. As I'm straight, that means that I would only play with women solo. Now, add in another couple and I have no qualms about some play including that guy, but I would never play with him alone, and it would never be sexual play... IE: My goal is not to arouse him or get him off, whereas that may sometimes be my goal with a female sub (but not always).

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 45

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 9:37:54 AM

evesgrden

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline

Pompeii.. I have a problem with your underlying assumption.. that sex=orgasm.

um, no

D/s is a hierarchy, it's about how people relate to each other. One decides, the other complies. The activities they do and what they get out of it is purely idiosyncratic, and that's where compatibility and complementarity come into play. .. uh, no pun intended.

You want to cum. Humans are already wired to enjoy that. So you use d/s as roleplay, foreplay, or "make believe" when you want to get kinky and cum. For others, it's just a way of relating to each other wherever they are. Who cums when, if at all, is up to the dominant.

http://femdomtimes.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/femdom-toons/dominatrix-dungeon-cartoon/

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 46

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 9:52:03 AM

breagha

Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
Status: offline

i have never engaged in D/s style play with someone i was not in a relationship with. Having said that, D/s activity isn't always about sex. Does it turn me on? most of the time. that isn't the reason that i do it though. i do it because i like giving up the control to him. If he decides that what ever we are doing at the moment will involve sex, then it happens. If he decides it will not involve sex, then it does not. i enjoy the activities either way. i do not always orgasm when it is about sex. That isn't important to me. if i feel that i need to orgasm, i will ask him for one.

_____________________________

"Consumed with memories that preceded today; given a chance to bereave life that's slipping away"

(in reply to evesgrden)

Post #: 47

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 10:06:47 AM

Pyramus

Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

I think, what we're seeing here, is an amazing set of differences!

In that we're all different - we're alike!

(in reply to breagha)

Post #: 48

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 10:17:58 AM

breagha

Posts: 380
Joined: 7/29/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

So it would only be a woman.
Your question was: "what are my D/s activities
about, if not sex?" (mockwotation)

don't want to get off topic but felt the need to say that i LOVE that you used the mockwotation here.

_____________________________

"Consumed with memories that preceded today; given a chance to bereave life that's slipping away"

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 49

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 10:30:37 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii
Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Note: When I use the word 'sex', it doesn't mean intercourse - but it does mean orgasm - for both partners - at least as frequently as it would be in the vanilla relationship with the same partner.

To answer this question for myself, first I have to say that, in my mind, there is D/s and then there is BDSM/kink. They are not the same so I have no problem saying that D/s is not about sex for me. I think too many people who ask that question in the OP get Domination/submission mixed up with kink and it's not the same thing.

D/s is about a lot of things for me, but it's not about sex. For instance: power, control, action and reaction (I say and you do), relationship structure.

BDSM/kink is about, well, BDSM/kink and it may or may not be about sex. For instance, S&M, sensations, fun, pain & pleasure, cause & effect, creativity. A person can have either/or or both at the same time.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 50

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 10:34:34 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl
D/s is about a lot of things for me, but it's not about sex. For instance: power, control, action and reaction (I say and you do), relationship structure.

BDSM/kink is about, well, BDSM/kink and it may or may not be about sex. For instance, S&M, sensations, fun, pain & pleasure, cause & effect, creativity. A person can have either/or or both at the same time.

This is the viewpoint LadyPact convinced me was right. Carol and I are a perfect example. We have a fairly steep authority dynamic but we have no kink. There's no whips & chains. We find commonality talking to kinksters about the authority dynamic part but we have no interest in going to a play party.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 51

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 11:20:09 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: breagha

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

So it would only be a woman.
Your question was: "what are my D/s activities
about, if not sex?" (mockwotation)

don't want to get off topic but felt the need to say that i LOVE that you used the mockwotation here.

Haha, I wish we did have actual mockwotation
marks.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to breagha)

Post #: 52

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 11:32:08 AM

lthrpup

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

But yes, the "rush" I get from VERY good BDSM (that has chemistry) feels similar to an orgasm, but it isn't. I get extremely wet and "hot" when I do S&M, but my instinct/reaction to that arousal isn't "oh I want to have sex," or "I need to have an orgasm in response to this arousal," it is "I need to be more sadistic and continue feeling THIS feeling."

Akasha

I agree with Akasha. Adults can play with each other without having sex. Like a massage, BDSM can be enjoyed without a happy ending. I have gotten hard during BDSM encounters in which sex was not on the table (or anywhere else). Don't assume BDSM is always about sex just because it is intertwined with pleasure and arousal; so is chocolate.

Attachment (1)

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 53

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 1:12:07 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Simple answer. No good tissue for a target for BDSM play.

I'm really blown away by all of the responses. Are you literally saying that you've wanted to fuck every single person you've ever flogged or been flogged by?

That made me think. I don't do the public scene; I tried it years ago and found it not to my taste as I am very private about this. But...at the time I wanted to experiment and participated in some things such as shibari (which made me understand you referring it to art, as I found it comforting, and very pretty, but not the least bit sexual, nor did I want to fuck the guy doing it.

I also was flogged by some people and because I was not into them (just wanting to see how I felt doing it in public), I did not want to fuck them, even though they wanted to. :)

So since all of this is what turns me on sexually, I realized that it would only work for me as a sexual thing, so I had to only participate with someone I wanted to be sexual with, and that meant someone I was in a relationship with since I am not casual about this.

So I do understand both sides of the responses.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 54

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 1:36:42 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

In another thread, it was (shockingly) revealed to me, even after all these years, that D/s play is not about sexual activity (for some people).
How important is a submissive's orgasm in your D/s play?

I don't know if I commented in that thread (and I'm too lazy to look right now), but yeah, I'm one of those guys. I could care less if she comes-I mean it's nice for her and all, but in the end, that's not what it's about.
Nor is it about sex.

quote:

Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Errrrrrr, not to belabor the obvious, but it's about the D/S.
It's about power. It's about control. It's about owning another human being who can'rt say no. It's about having someone at my beck and call, to meet my every whim. It's about being fawned over (And occasionally fawning on.).
But most of all, above every thing else, it's about "We."
It's about sharing at the deepest levels. A no holds barred, utterly wide open relationship where anything and everything can be on the table.
It's about building an edifice together, a thing called shared live.

This is the meat and potatoes-that which is capable of sustaining over the long haul.
Sex, sex is desert.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 55

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/20/2013 6:09:52 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Bondage for us is sexual.

But d/s, meaning him making decisions is alas, usually not play related. Me going through the grocery store aisle by aisle but having to backtrack to the frozen foods aisle last because he's afraid stuff will thaw otherwise has nothing arousing to it.

Neither does passing by some really fresh looking Brussel sprouts because he has decreed they may never enter the house again.

He's the head of the household all the time, not just in charge during sex.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 56

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/21/2013 10:31:48 AM

subinsilicon

Posts: 108
Joined: 1/7/2013
Status: offline

quote:

Like a massage, BDSM can be enjoyed without a happy ending.

Every massage I ever got had a happy ending if I paid enough.

(in reply to lthrpup)

Post #: 57

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/21/2013 6:10:05 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

Note: When I use the word 'sex', it doesn't mean intercourse - but it does mean orgasm - for both partners - at least as frequently as it would be in the vanilla relationship with the same partner.

First, I find your proposed definition of 'sex' to be unimaginative.

[My] Master often drives me wild with pleasure and I do not always orgasm.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, I just don't have one; the sex is no less satisfying.
His spanking me is sexual, but no orgasm occurs.

Serving Him to orgasm whether it be from intercourse (anal or vaginal), through oral sex or a good ol' fashioned "hand job", is very sexual for me... and yet none of those things make me 'O!'.
His cock (which I happily serve) is only a part of Him.

For me D/s is not about sex per se.
It is about serving Him... and creating joy in moments.
It is about being as fully present with Him as possible.

So, is cooking sexual, or helping Him to take care of His fish tanks?
My guess is you wouldn't see it that way.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 58

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/21/2013 6:26:52 PM

MrRodgers

Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

I would say that living in a slave culture say, like ancient Rome etc., it was all about the sex because the power was much more of a given. That means being my slave, I already have power over her so she can be 24/7 my sex object if I choose. Plus many ancient slaves coveted the position of sex slave because they led the best life. Sure the were domestic duties but often delegated to other slaves and ones who had not achieved sex-slave status.

Here however in the modern consensual world of PE, it is to a large extent about the power because society doesn't have the same culture of slaves being chattel. It becomes as much a cultural thing yet I truly believe that sex is the main motivator.

Most of what we list here are kinky, sexual fetishes even without penetration or even orgasm. We don't answer question about how things we do makes us want to go to the dentist or doesn't anal just make you want to go see your tax accountant ?

So it is still predominantly about the sex but sex with the one to whom the power has been assumed and at his or her discretion...will take the sex.

< Message edited by MrRodgers -- 3/21/2013 6:30:05 PM >

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 59

RE: If your D/s activity is not about sexuality - then ... - 3/23/2013 3:53:54 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: pompeii

In another thread, it was (shockingly) revealed to me, even after all these years, that D/s play is not about sexual activity (for some people).
How important is a submissive's orgasm in your D/s play?

I don't know if I commented in that thread (and I'm too lazy to look right now), but yeah, I'm one of those guys. I could care less if she comes-I mean it's nice for her and all, but in the end, that's not what it's about.
Nor is it about sex.

quote:

Q: If your D/s activity is not about human sexuality, then what IS your D/s activity about?

Errrrrrr, not to belabor the obvious, but it's about the D/S.
It's about power. It's about control. It's about owning another human being who can'rt say no. It's about having someone at my beck and call, to meet my every whim. It's about being fawned over (And occasionally fawning on.).
But most of all, above every thing else, it's about "We."
It's about sharing at the deepest levels. A no holds barred, utterly wide open relationship where anything and everything can be on the table.
It's about building an edifice together, a thing called shared live.

This is the meat and potatoes-that which is capable of sustaining over the long haul.
Sex, sex is dessert.

Pretty much.

As an addendum.

I am a sadist. I get a wicked awesome thrill hurting people. I also get a wicked awesome thrill being the one with the most power, in ANY given situation. It's natural for me. It's also a rush when it is 'active'.

Hurting someone does not turn me on sexually. Having power over someone, does not turn me on sexually.

I prefer to see naked bits I find attractive. I find female naked bits far more attractive than male naked bits. Most naked male bits repulse me. Why would I want to look at anything repulsive? I don't mind hurting a male, I rather enjoy it. I don't mind having power over a male, in fact I very much enjoy it. But I do NOT want to see his naked bits. In fact, to know that hurting, or having power over a man, turned on the man's bits, would possibly make me want to hurt him in a way he would not enjoy.

Some naked female bits, when they belong to a woman I find sexually attractive, turn me on. I prefer to have power over a woman whom I find sexually attractive, naked.

An intelligent person would see the differences.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 60

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