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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/23/2013 6:58:57 PM   
Zonie63


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63

That's another thing about this situation, since the parents said "We just got to the point where we just didn't know what else to do." So, this is what they come up with, because they don't know what they're doing and couldn't think of anything else to do?


Yeah, sure. And I think I made the point in my comment that they could have tried other approaches. But you know... not everyone is as clever as you.


I never said that I was more clever, but my point was that they could have given the situation more thought, perhaps get a second opinion.

quote:


Not everyone has the same set of tools.

These parents were doing what they thought was going to help their child.


I'm not sure what they thought, but from what's quoted in the article, they said they didn't think about how the public might react to their public display, and they also said that they didn't know what else to do.

I'm still not exactly clear as to what she actually did to warrant such a punishment, other than getting 3 D's and becoming "defiant," whatever that's supposed to mean.

I hope they're able to work things out and get the help that they need.


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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/23/2013 7:12:12 PM   
slaveluci


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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		These parents aren't the brightest bulbs, are they? They PUBLICLY humilitate their daughter to "teach her a lesson" and then are simply SHOCKED that the PUBLIC reacted as they did. Sorry, lazy parenting. They want their daughter to be a great Christian so they betray her trust by publicizing their disappointment with her. Way to go. I would have been absolutely mortified if my parents had betrayed my trust like that, regardless of my own disobedient behavior. If you're going to be a parent, you need to have the skills to handle problems with your children. Embarrassing them into obeying you is a stupid, hurtful thing to do. Just because they have the right to do it doesn't make it good parenting. Shame on them

luci

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/23/2013 7:22:17 PM   
Zonie63


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Yeah, that little quote stuck out to me, too. =p They put the kid in public for public judgment (I guess?) but weren't thinking about what the public would think? =p

They seem a bit silly.
The girl may have turned her behavior around, but she might also think her parents are silly.

Or, she might be totally reformed and on her way to a stand-up Christian life. Who knows.


Perhaps, although from what the article tells us, they don't really know what the cause of the problem is, so it seems like an ill-conceived solution on its face.

quote:


The article doesn't mention whether or not she had any counseling for the grief; my guess is they had a church counselor, who just told her "he's in a better place, be happy" which is not a very effective bandaid.

I had a favorite aunt - the ONLY person in my family who I felt I could relate to at all. She died when I was 13, and it took me a long time to deal with it. My grades didn't suffer but I became a lot more withdrawn and had some other issues that came from it.

She lost her uncle 2 years ago - that's really not a very long time.


I can remember a great deal of family turmoil back in my childhood and teenage years, so I can kind of sympathize with this situation. It seems like a sad deal all the way around.


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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 7:43:37 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm doubting they didn't try other avenues. They most likely did and felt this was one of their last options...been there, done that with my own...not the public humiliation but with trying everything to no avail. Sometimes you do what you can as a parent, no matter what everyone else may think about it.

When my daughter was young, she was completely defiant. I had the roughest time with her, most likely due to her dad's death when she was 3 and her not having a father in her life. I sympathize with the parents. I tried the church thing too but she absolutely refused to go. I commend the parents actually. They sound like parents who actually care instead of just yelling at the kid and doing nothing which is pretty much what a lot of parents do with teenagers.


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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 8:15:56 PM   
xssve


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Status: offline 		There are much more subtle and insidious way to assure they will spend a lifetime in therapy.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 8:17:02 PM   
absolutchocolat


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I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 9:38:20 PM   
blacksword404


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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

FR

I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.


If she grows up to rob you at knife point or break into your car, would it still be an internal family matter? Or would you be one of people blaming the parents for how much of a criminal she turned into?

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 9:53:25 PM   
FrostedFlake


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quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404


quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

FR

I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.


If she grows up to rob you at knife point or break into your car, would it still be an internal family matter? Or would you be one of people blaming the parents for how much of a criminal she turned into?

And, of course, that was going to happen, until a 13 year old was humiliated in front of everyone she knows.

And, of course, now it won't.

What kind of thinking is this?

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 10:00:16 PM   
itsapixie


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Status: offline 		FR

quote:

“I wasn’t even thinking about what the public was going to think,” her mom, Renee Nickell told the Northwest Florida Daily News.

That’s BS. That sentence alone makes me not like the mom.

Maybe it’s just me… But this form of “punishment” seems to be more and more common lately. Parents make their kid out to be some awful person and then stand back and point accusingly as if they had nothing to do with it.

The article says they were concerned about their 13 year olds increasing disrespectful behavior. So they decide to publicly humiliate her? Are they actively seeking out the cause for her behavioral changes? There are punishments for punishment’s sake and then there are punishments for correction’s sake. The girl might be more “respectful” after this hoopla, but does it really address anything other than the fact that she doesn’t want to be publicly humiliated by her own friggin family again in the future? Whatever started her regression is still there, unaddressed.

I fail to see how parents humiliating a child in public is beneficial to anyone in the family. I see it as parents who have no clue what else to do and are looking for something easy. And what could be easier than embarrassing a 13 year old girl?

And seriously. Now your young, troubled daughter’s picture is in oodles of people‘s cameras/phones and all over the internet. High five.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 10:49:08 PM   
itsapixie


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http://shine.yahoo.com/5-reasons-shame-based-punishments-ineffective-183500806.html

a "related article" linked in the original article

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 11:09:46 PM   
blacksword404


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake


quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404


quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

FR

I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.


If she grows up to rob you at knife point or break into your car, would it still be an internal family matter? Or would you be one of people blaming the parents for how much of a criminal she turned into?

And, of course, that was going to happen, until a 13 year old was humiliated in front of everyone she knows.

And, of course, now it won't.

What kind of thinking is this?


Yeah because troubled people never turn to drugs. Troubled kids? Even less likely.

Helping to keep her on the right track helps keep her life in a good direction while they sort out her problems. Otherwise her life might slide until the issues are fixed. And then she would have to try and pick up the pieces and get back on track.


< Message edited by blacksword404 -- 3/24/2013 11:12:55 PM >

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/24/2013 11:31:53 PM   
FrostedFlake


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From: Centralia, Washington
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quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404

quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake


quote:

ORIGINAL: blacksword404


quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

FR

I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.


If she grows up to rob you at knife point or break into your car, would it still be an internal family matter? Or would you be one of people blaming the parents for how much of a criminal she turned into?

And, of course, that was going to happen, until a 13 year old was humiliated in front of everyone she knows.

And, of course, now it won't.

What kind of thinking is this?


Yeah because troubled people never turn to drugs. Troubled kids? Even less likely.

Helping to keep her on the right track helps keep her life in a good direction while they sort out her problems. Otherwise her life might slide until the issues are fixed. And then she would have to try and pick up the pieces and get back on track.


More of the same.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 2:33:13 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		That's hypothetical speculation. And no, I would not blame her parents for choices she made as an adult. When you come of age, you make choices. Her parents chose to make a spectacle of their kid and they are the ones with egg on their faces.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 8:49:19 AM   
Zonie63


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From: The Old Pueblo
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quote:

ORIGINAL: itsapixie

FR

quote:

“I wasn’t even thinking about what the public was going to think,” her mom, Renee Nickell told the Northwest Florida Daily News.

That’s BS. That sentence alone makes me not like the mom.

Maybe it’s just me… But this form of “punishment” seems to be more and more common lately. Parents make their kid out to be some awful person and then stand back and point accusingly as if they had nothing to do with it.


This is an excellent point. I was thinking the same thing. Whatever problems this girl was having, they obviously started before she became a "self-entitled" teenager. How did she become "self-entitled" in the first place? What were her parents doing when she was age 1 through 12 that led her to this point?

The article you linked was also quite good, as it identified parents with low self-esteem as being a root cause.

It's hard to say exactly what's going on in this family from this short article, but when they're quoted as saying "we didn't know" and "I didn't think" and with a "Christian counselor" in the mix, it doesn't sound too good. I thought this was a cogent point made in the article:

quote:

5. Shame-based punishments are about the parents, not the child.

Parents with low self esteem often brag about humiliating their kids or keeping them in line. Why? Because they're trying to boost their own deflated egos. It's easy to spot a person with low self esteem. They're the biggest braggart in the crowd. In fact, they're so determined to get on that soapbox, they completely disregard the feelings of their children.


That's what this situation sounds like. The parents were trying to get their needs met, not the child's needs. They were trying to drum up public support to get validation that they're right and their daughter is wrong - all because "they didn't know." Thinking further on this, it may not be much of a mystery that this girl turned out to be "self-entitled," considering who her role models have been.

Aside from the internal family matter, I have to confess that I'm always somewhat bothered by people who put their private business out in the street. They seem anxious to hang out their dirty laundry for all to see...for what reason? I respect that everyone has the right to do that, but why do it? Is it a "street theater" version of Jerry Springer?

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 9:08:31 AM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

FR

I think the punishment speaks volumes about the parents. I've had to mentor kids in group homes and it never got to the point where the caregivers had to humiliate them to make them behave. What god-awful parenting...inviting the public into a private family matter. I say there should be mandatory classes you have to take to breed. Jesus Christ.


Exactly. The purpose of punishment is to correct a behavior at the time it happens and then it's over and parents and child move on. With public shaming, parents have no control over how long the punishment lasts. The child could be teased by peers for a very long time. With this public shaming craze, I look for school drop out rates to rise even more.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 7:41:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally I wish I would have thought of the public humiliation idea for mine when I had major, MAJOR issues with her and had tried absolutely everything anyone else could possibly think of. It may have saved us both a lot of heartache in the end.

I think unless you actually have a child like this, you have zero fucking clue.


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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 7:47:59 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		It seems as if some folks accept as a given that the Teen WAS in fact self entitled.

If you think so, I have a couple questions.

1/ Who called her that?

2/ Why did they decide to Pillory her?

ETA : 3/ What does self entitled mean?

< Message edited by FrostedFlake -- 3/25/2013 7:50:24 PM >

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 7:59:15 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		It also seems as though many here think that the child was not doing anything "that bad" and the parents are morons. Of course, DBG gave the post an inflammatory title, because in all of her (not) so infinite wisdom, she determined the main point of the story was this was a poor grief stricken girl who really just needs a shoulder to cry on while her mean, bad parents do nothing but give her rules and don't care about her loss.

Bullshit. The child was acting like a little shit. They did everything they could think of, and none of it work. They grounded her, took privileges away, talked to her, gave her counseling and still she thought it was ok to be a disrespectful little brat. When you raise a challenging child and find yourself pulling out your hair trying to figure out how to deal with it, when counselors, talking, grounding, privilege loss, everything under the sun doesn't work, then you have the right to comment. Until then...well, y'all really haven't got a clue, OP most especially.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 8:11:05 PM   
AffirmativeKinky


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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype
I have seen similar public humiliation stories of misbehaving teens and have agreed with them. However, those stories never mentioned the teen losing someone and also, unlike this teen, were typically being punished for illegal activities.
I don't feel this punishment fits this "crime" and doesn't really sound like the parents explored many other options.
Our streets would be littered with teens if every parent were to do this for a teen acting disrespectful.


I wouldn't call it 'littered'. I'd like to see one for every block I drive on my way home, if I could. I'd rather enjoy the little shits learning respect. Not enough of it nowadays.

And 15 months to us old folks seems like yesterday. 15 months to a teen is like a decade. Although you can never be 'over it', you CAN choose 'let it go'. The teen has to learn that death is part of life, and it is selfish to whine about someone dying and how bad it is for you that THEY died. I'm sure the dead party would rather be alive much more than the teen does. LOL.

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RE: grieving teen humiliated by parents - 3/25/2013 8:14:48 PM   
FrostedFlake


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From: Centralia, Washington
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quote:

Yada, yada, yada, ...then you have the right to comment. Until then...well, y'all really haven't got a clue, OP most especially.


...

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