RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ?

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freedomdwarf1 -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 4:22:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy ...We want someone we both like to have around, that's true, but that's A LOT easier to find than someone to love, isn't it ?! Theoretically, yes - in a utopian world. However, there aren't many that would want to be in an isolated world where love doesn't figure somewhere in the equation. Without that very powerful emotion that binds people together, you will find that an awful lot of submissives/slaves will not stay the distance.... as you have found out with yours. If you aren't going to reciprocate the love that your Au-Pair/sub obviously felt at the beginning of the dynamic then they will eventually drift away; something (or someone) else will tug at their heart-strings and they will leave. In your case, your sub/slave was tugged by her love for her mother as she was clearly not feeling loved enough to stay with you. quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy So what we are looking for (as we mentioned) is exactly what we had up untill a short while ago : a girl we like having around, that does the work she is supposed to do and that we can have kinky sex with ... in exchange for her being taken care of (in all meanings of the word). Much like many other couples out there. Personally, I think you got lucky the first time round. quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy Our former "girl" adored the arrangement, so there must be others out there. If she was that enamoured by you then she would have stayed. Something during her term with you changed and that's why she went back to mum. And yes, there are like-minded others out there - but they are extremely rare. That's why they have earned the nickname of 'unicorn'. quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy Maybe we're the "mythical unicorns" ?!? No... your devoted sub/slave was the unicorn. ETA- You might also like to consider your location as well. I have spent over 10 years as a truck driver travelling all through the EU and I wouldn't want to live in Spain or Portugal. Why?? Poor housing construction, bad plumbing and electricals, some weird laws where the government can comandeer your property without compensation, and last but not least, the current economic climate out there. Just some ideas that instantly came to mind.

lizi -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 4:34:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy For your information DesFIP (not that I think it matters in this context but anyway) : my husband was married before, he was alone for 2 years after his first wife left him. Then we met - through business - fell madly in love (almost at first sight), moved in together within the month and got married almost one year later. We are not looking for someone we can fall in love with, we have eachother already. We want someone we both like to have around, that's true, but that's A LOT easier to find than someone to love, isn't it ?! So what we are looking for (as we mentioned) is exactly what we had up untill a short while ago : a girl we like having around, that does the work she is supposed to do and that we can have kinky sex with ... in exchange for her being taken care of (in all meanings of the word). Our former "girl" adored the arrangement, so there must be others out there. We appreciate all the good-hearted responses we've gotten here and we are grateful for all the help. But we would also appreciate it if you wouldn't jump to conclusions without knowing us. Maybe we're the "mythical unicorns" ?!? But ... despite the tone of your reply ... we do appreciate you taking the time to answer. The two of you are in the committed relationship and are basically looking for a toy- that's not easier to find, it's harder. People don't generally like to be the automatic expendable one in what is their primary relationship. Most women out there are looking for someone to love, who will love them back. The third person you are trying to find is the unicorn, the two of you are extremely common. There are tons of people out there that want a unicorn and have been searching for years. You'll have some better response since you're willing to give the unicorn something in turn for her time with you. Most think that a kinky sex crazed woman will drop into their laps because they've announced their intentions to get one.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 7:44:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi The two of you are in the committed relationship and are basically looking for a toy- that's not easier to find, it's harder. People don't generally like to be the automatic expendable one in what is their primary relationship. Most women out there are looking for someone to love, who will love them back. I don't think that is fair to say. Just because the couple is married, doesn't mean they aren't looking for, or capable of loving a 3rd person in their relationship. Saying they are looking for a plaything is a little unfair. My understanding is, they are looking for a relationship with a submissive, who will submit/bottom to both of them. I personally don't believe in entering into a relationship with anyone who is legally bound to another. That doesn't however mean, that they cannot care for, or love a third person to live with. M

lizi -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 9:01:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig I don't think that is fair to say. Just because the couple is married, doesn't mean they aren't looking for, or capable of loving a 3rd person in their relationship. Saying they are looking for a plaything is a little unfair. My understanding is, they are looking for a relationship with a submissive, who will submit/bottom to both of them. I personally don't believe in entering into a relationship with anyone who is legally bound to another. That doesn't however mean, that they cannot care for, or love a third person to live with. M Did you read the quote I supplied in my original posting? The OP said herself that they aren't looking for someone to fall in love with, that she and her husband have each other for that.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 9:35:30 PM)
One thing I have found as a fairly new follower of this lifestyle...be careful of the terms you use. It is very possible that your version of "edge" is just basic BDSM. I had a friend who I stumbled across his Dom profile on another site (by accident not knowing he had any interest in this) & he described himself as edgy. When I started listing "edge play" activities like knife play, fire, wax.he was horrified & understood why he had received some of the emails he had gotten. Don't use 50 Shades. Get a good nonfiction book (there is a good list on this site) for reference.

rudykimmy -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/30/2013 11:11:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy quote: UllrsIshtar I can understand that you are skeptical, we're getting there too with all the scammers that have contacted us. In our defence (for lack of a better word, since we don't think we have to defend ourselves in this case), we were both raised in very traditional homes. I (28 years old) already had a passive interest in bdsm but never dared venture into the real thing, my husband never really realised he was into it until recently, mainly - I think - because his sex-life was quite adventurous on all other fronts so he never really felt the urge to experiment (also because his job kinda took the energy out of him to start actively searching for the less obvious). We are all different, we all have our quirks, no one is the same. I have never judged anyone for doing something I don't like or for having an opinion that is different than mine. So if someone discovers later in life that they like something ... what's wrong with that ?!? I didn't like Science fiction movies until very recently (when watching Battlestar Galactica for 12 hours straight [:D] ). My husband didn't like apple-sauce until two years ago ... people change, no matter what Dr. House says [;)] People don't change by going from vanilla to "liking just about any "extreme" thing you could think of" without a lot of intermediary steps. You don't wake up in your 40s one day and discover that you're a hardcore edge player, without anything leading up to that point. The intermediary steps between "vanilla" and "into just about any "extreme" thing you could think of" involve years of evolution and fantasies. Like I said before: I've never met a hardcore edge player who didn't have years of indication that they where into this kind of stuff before their twenties, and even the people who can look back and say that there where signs they where kinky even before they hit puberty take years to grow into their own, and go rather slowly, and with a lot of intermediary steps, from more softcore BDSM to liking "just about any "extreme" thing you could think of". That kind of transformation in a person's personality and tastes just doesn't happen overnight (or in a few weeks or months) in their late 40s. BTW... the fact that you're comparing a "taste" in hardcore edge play to something like what kind of movie, or food you happen to like at any given moment, kinda proves my point and shows that you really don't have much of a clue. What you're saying is akin to somebody claiming that they, one day in their 40s, decided they where gay, without there being anything leading up to that point. People don't wake up one day and suddenly, out of the blue, decide to change what gender they're sexually attracted to... just like people don't just wake up one day and suddenly, out of the blue, decide they're into hardcore edge play. quote: quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy quote: UllrsIshtar I can understand that you are skeptical, we're getting there too with all the scammers that have contacted us. In our defence (for lack of a better word, since we don't think we have to defend ourselves in this case), we were both raised in very traditional homes. I (28 years old) already had a passive interest in bdsm but never dared venture into the real thing, my husband never really realised he was into it until recently, mainly - I think - because his sex-life was quite adventurous on all other fronts so he never really felt the urge to experiment (also because his job kinda took the energy out of him to start actively searching for the less obvious). We are all different, we all have our quirks, no one is the same. I have never judged anyone for doing something I don't like or for having an opinion that is different than mine. So if someone discovers later in life that they like something ... what's wrong with that ?!? I didn't like Science fiction movies until very recently (when watching Battlestar Galactica for 12 hours straight ). My husband didn't like apple-sauce until two years ago ... people change, no matter what Dr. House says People don't change by going from vanilla to "liking just about any "extreme" thing you could think of" without a lot of intermediary steps. You don't wake up in your 40s one day and discover that you're a hardcore edge player, without anything leading up to that point. The intermediary steps between "vanilla" and "into just about any "extreme" thing you could think of" involve years of evolution and fantasies. Like I said before: I've never met a hardcore edge player who didn't have years of indication that they where into this kind of stuff before their twenties, and even the people who can look back and say that there where signs they where kinky even before they hit puberty take years to grow into their own, and go rather slowly, and with a lot of intermediary steps, from more softcore BDSM to liking "just about any "extreme" thing you could think of". That kind of transformation in a person's personality and tastes just doesn't happen overnight (or in a few weeks or months) in their late 40s. BTW... the fact that you're comparing a "taste" in hardcore edge play to something like what kind of movie, or food you happen to like at any given moment, kinda proves my point and shows that you really don't have much of a clue. What you're saying is akin to somebody claiming that they, one day in their 40s, decided they where gay, without there being anything leading up to that point. People don't wake up one day and suddenly, out of the blue, decide to change what gender they're sexually attracted to... just like people don't just wake up one day and suddenly, out of the blue, decide they're into hardcore edge play. Ok, it's clear that we can't win a discussion against someone who possesses the ultimate wisdom and truth that explains everything and is definitive to everyone on this planet ... nay the galaxy(the Goddess of Logic). Let's agree to disagree shall we ? [;)]

seekingreality -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 12:35:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy Hi all, we'd really appreciate your input on this. We're a couple (Mr.Rudy & Mrs.Kimmy) who live in a remote location in Portugal. Up untill a few months ago, we had a 24/7 slavegirl who served us both domestically and sexually. In return we took care of her health (physically, mentally, psychologically and financially). The relationship ended when she realised (after 1.5 years of service) that she missed her parents too much (she's only 20). She still visits regularly and is grateful for the time she spent here and the money she earned which we put aside for her. Of course we are looking for a new slavegirl but untill now we have only found fakers and even scammers (on collarme, bdsm.com, dating-bdsm, etc.). We have no experience finding a slavegirl online. Is there any chance of us finding our slavegirl here or should we just give up and return to the "real world" and continue our search there ? Sorry for the long read and thanks for your interest ! Mr.Rudy & Mrs.Kimmy OK, I'll bite. Yes, (1) online can be frustrating. (2) There are lots of scammers. (3) You may spend years here sorting through the chaff and still not find what you seek. (4) Whether it's worth your time only you can answer, since it's your time, not mine. (5) If you want to know you odds of success, just pick some random number out of thin air, because that will be as good as anyone else where will be able to tell you. Anything else you want to know?

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 1:54:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy Ok, it's clear that we can't win a discussion against someone who possesses the ultimate wisdom and truth that explains everything and is definitive to everyone on this planet ... nay the galaxy(the Goddess of Logic). Let's agree to disagree shall we ? [;)] I don't profess to have the ultimate wisdom and truth. I do, however, know enough about human nature, psychology, and the way in which people evolve, to know that people don't go from being vanilla to being into things like "nailing body parts to boards of wood/permanent scarification/stapling or sewing pussy lips shut/using cattle prods/scat play/canine/roman shower/suspending people from hooks inserted in their flesh/etc"* all of a sudden. People who are into those types of things don't get there overnight (or in a matter of weeks/months). It's a process that, for all of the ones I know into those kinds of things (myself included... and only part of that list applies to me) starts off fairly young, and takes time to evolve. You don't just wake up one day in your mid 40s and go from being vanilla to "wouldn't it be hot/interesting/exciting/stimulating to nail somebody's scrotum/pussy lips to a sheet of ply wood?!?" without any path in between. I'm not saying it's not possible for somebody to find an interest in BDSM later in life, but when that happens, you don't go from "vanilla" to "hardcore edge player" in a short time span. And I've personally never talked to anybody involved in extreme stuff who didn't have their desires and fantasies about that kind of stuff start before the age of 20... even if it took them years to actually act out on any of it. Somebody who has never felt the urge to experiment with sexual dominance, either fantasy wise, or actively, doesn't just "realize" one day in his 40s that he enjoys hurting people to the point where they pass out from the pain. That sort of thing isn't something you discover about yourself by reading 50 shades and experimenting a little here and there. But hey... whatever... tell people whatever you want about your experiences... just know that what your saying will set off immediate red flags with a lot of people... * And that's only a summary of stuff I consider realistic for people actually doing. It's examples of some of the extremer things I've personally have engage in, have personally witnessed, or personally know people who engaged in it... You don't even want to know of the fucked up shit I can, and do, actually think of kink wise. So I'm not even taking your "anything extreme you can think of" statement literally... En ik las op je profiel dat jullie Nederlands spreken. Zijn jullie oorspronkelijk van Belgie of Nederland, of is het een aangeleerde extra taal?

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 2:19:56 AM)
Touche! My bad for skipping that part. I'm guessing that being new to all of this, they figure it will be easier to find a 3rd person, to be used, but all love attentions/intentions avoided. It's the perfect setup for service, but wonder how further feelings would be guarded against. My inbox, has had more that it's share of "mistress. obvously you would have nothing personal to do with me, being I'm just a lowly slave. So, the wording the OP used is important, it may very well be what the slve/submissive wants. M

rudykimmy -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 2:37:51 AM)
@ UllrsIshtar, I'll reply one last time and then I'll leave the last word to you, ok ? [8\|] I understand now that what you and I consider "extreme" is something entirely different. Nowhere have I mentioned "nailing body parts to boards of wood/permanent scarification, amputation/stapling or sewing pussy lips shut/using cattle prods/scat play/roman showers/canine play/suspending people from hooks inserted in their flesh/etc" as you so eloquently put into writing. To me "extreme" is clearly based on our experiences with what you call the "vanilla-world". So a good whipping leaving some non-permanent marks, some (hard) slapping, golden showers, caging, verbal and physical submission are pretty extreme to me already. I'm not judging the people who are into your type of "edgy stuff" but it's just not for us. So my terminology was off, but I did mention that we're new to the typical choice of words as TieMeInKnottss correctly mentioned (thanks), so ... as I said before, the last word is yours ! @freedomdwarf1 & lizi To us there's a real difference between LOVE and caring for. Again terminology I think. We have both had pets (dogs, cats) and cared for them a lot, so much so that we cried and were depressed when they died. But LOVE (capital letters) is an emotion we reserve for our spouse and children. It is the ULTIMATE type of "caring for". So the slave girl we had is a girl we cared for a lot (and still do and vice versa), however her LOVE for her parents eventually surpassed how much she cared for us. And we can only consider this normal ! We wouldn't however be surprised if she suddenly showed up again as she LOVES her mother dearly but can't seem to get along with her for a very long time (which is probably typical of young girls). After all (and she'll testify to that), she was very well taken care of. She was healthier in body (we put her on a diet), mind (we introduced her to her potential at many different levels) and finance (she made quite a bit of money by doing things she would probably not have done/persisted in, without us). And if she does come back, we most certainly won't bother or irritate any one of you any more.[;)] As for our location ... dear freedomdwarf1 ... you can hardly judge a country by travelling through it. You have to LIVE there ! Portugal is one of the most beautiful countries in Europe (nature), the population is kind and hospitable and complains very little in comparison to northern Europeans, despite the economic situation. The housing is only as good as you have paid for (and we do have northern European standards so our housing is quite a-typical I would say). Our property is located in a nature reserve so no risk of any other buildings or comandeering of our property and ... last but not least ... the economic climate is actually very advantageous to an expat who still has savings (and income) in the country of origin (your buck lasts a lot longer here) ! @ all who were kind enough to answer Thank you very much for your interest. We appreciate the help and advice. May we however in turn offer a word of advice to some of you ? Please don't be so quick in judging other people, if you want your/our lifestyle and/or interests and/or sexual behaviour to become more socially acceptable, it would be best to welcome newcomers and help them in finding their space in the huge and complicated world called BDSM. In a better world, people would not judge others for what they believe or do or say but they would appreciate them for being different, teach them what they need to be better at what they do/say/believe and perhaps even learn from them ! Thanks again and happy easter (at least if you believe in easter [;)] )

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 3:16:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy @ UllrsIshtar, I'll reply one last time and then I'll leave the last word to you, ok ? [8\|] I understand now that what you and I consider "extreme" is something entirely different. Nowhere have I mentioned "nailing body parts to boards of wood/permanent scarification, amputation/stapling or sewing pussy lips shut/using cattle prods/scat play/roman showers/canine play/suspending people from hooks inserted in their flesh/etc" as you so eloquently put into writing. To me "extreme" is clearly based on our experiences with what you call the "vanilla-world". So a good whipping leaving some non-permanent marks, some (hard) slapping, golden showers, caging, verbal and physical submission are pretty extreme to me already. I'm not judging the people who are into your type of "edgy stuff" but it's just not for us. So my terminology was off, but I did mention that we're new to the typical choice of words as TieMeInKnottss correctly mentioned (thanks), so ... as I said before, the last word is yours ! That clears up a lot. If you're not actually talking about extreme stuff, none of what I said applies. Though I'd suggest you keep in mind that when you talk about extreme stuff to BDSMers, that's the sort of things that will spring to mind. Everything else you mention is pretty much just the basics (and nothing wrong with that at all). Something to keep in mind before you again make a statement like "we liked just about any "extreme" thing you could think of". The stuff most kinksters can think of (and engage in) isn't exactly on par with the stuff vanillas would come up with. Being clear about what you mean will save you a lot of confusion, and me a lot of posts. [;)] I hope that with us clearing up the misunderstanding about what "extreme" means, you at least understands my skepticism about somebody deciding one day in their 40s to make the radical switch from vanilla to extreme BDSM overnight. [:D] Geen reactie op het Nederlands?

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 3:29:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy if you want your/our lifestyle and/or interests and/or sexual behaviour to become more socially acceptable, it would be best to welcome newcomers and help them in finding their space in the huge and complicated world called BDSM. You're making 3 mistaken assumptions here: - A lot of, maybe even most, kinsters don't consider themselves to be a closely affiliated group with common goals (despite it being called a "lifestyle" sometimes, there is no group unity among kinksters in general) - Lots of kinksters absolutely do not want the lifestyle to become more socially acceptable. - You have been welcomed here and have been helped with finding your space. What hasn't happened is you being cuddled though that experience. A lot of what you're saying is unattainable, misguided, and doesn't mesh with reality and our experiences. That's been pointed out to you in a direct, but not unkind manner. Collarme members tend to not cuddle newbies. You either earn your stripes or you don't, you don't get special treatment just because you're new.

rudykimmy -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 4:43:46 AM)
Point taken and lessons learned UllrsIshtar [;)] Oh and I didn't notice your question about the Dutch language. We are indeed originally from a Dutch-speaking country (sorry if we don't divulge any more info, we're pretty well known in our country of origin - Television - and we want to avoid any recognition, I hope you understand). Spreek je zelf ook Nederlands ?

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 4:58:01 AM)
I'm Belgian. I understand wanting privacy, though that's sorta ruined for me personally at the home front. There's an episode of an interview and bondage demo I did, when I was 18 and still working for the Fetish Cafe in Antwerp floating around online still, that then got aired on... oh I believe on Nederland 2... though the name of the show momentarily escapes me... it's 6am here and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep all night, so my memory isn't really cooperating at the moment. It kinda outed me to my whole family all at once, and I was never one to care much about what a stranger may think of me. [:D]

rudykimmy -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 7:03:00 AM)
Wow, that must have been very awkward, realising that your family just found out about the "true you" via a tv-show. But then again, maybe once the initial shock wears off, it might acutally be easier that way. I wouldn't know how to start a conversation like that (my respect to all who do dare, like so many gay people from traditional homes). So good of you not to care what strangers think ... by nature I wouldn't either but as a commercially active individual, I just HAVE to or it could cost me a lot of money. People tend to be so judgemental [:(]

graceadieu -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 1:39:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi The two of you are in the committed relationship and are basically looking for a toy- that's not easier to find, it's harder. People don't generally like to be the automatic expendable one in what is their primary relationship. Most women out there are looking for someone to love, who will love them back. Agreed. Now, in my experience, plenty of kinky women are willing to try out being that toy on a casual play-partner basis. It's an exciting experiment for them, and the OP could probably find that pretty easily. But not as a 24/7 live-in primary relationship. What emotionally healthy person is going to give up their home and job to devote themselves entirely to a partner that's not even interested in loving them? As someone that's been involved in lots of threesome situations, that seems very unlikely to me. I just mentioned this to D, who's on the phone with a woman we're talking to (who we met on Friday and seems really cool), and they're both laughing about it! quote: You'll have some better response since you're willing to give the unicorn something in turn for her time with you. That's true. Being willing and able to financially support her will help them find someone. Though it may be someone that's only interested in them for their money. But then, they seem only interested in using her for sex and house cleaning, so I guess that's a fair trade?

sophia37 -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 3:19:36 PM)
graceadieu has a good point. You might do better at finding someone who wouldn't live in 24/7. So I guess you could open up the criteria somewhat.

ResidentSadist -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 6:52:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar - Lots of kinksters absolutely do not want the lifestyle to become more socially acceptable. ou don't get special treatment just because you're new. Amen to that. There are fucking tourists everywhere nowadays. The Beyond Leather event is sold out. Not as in the typical success when you have your conferences and classes full . . . sold out as in the entire huge fucking hotel, every single room is booked for the event. The whole damn hotel . . . I can see it now. "Next on the mainstream social events menu today is a stop a Mac BDSM for a snack and a free copy of 50 Shades of Grey with every Happy Subby Meal." I want to make a T-shirt that says, "If you read 50 Shades of Grey, don't even consider talking to me."

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 7:11:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist I want to make a T-shirt that says, "If you read 50 Shades of Grey, don't even consider talking to me." If you do, post a link to your BDSM book list under it or on the back...

UllrsIshtar -> RE: looking for a second mythical unicorn ? (3/31/2013 7:24:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rudykimmy Wow, that must have been very awkward, realising that your family just found out about the "true you" via a tv-show. But then again, maybe once the initial shock wears off, it might acutally be easier that way. I wouldn't know how to start a conversation like that (my respect to all who do dare, like so many gay people from traditional homes). So good of you not to care what strangers think ... by nature I wouldn't either but as a commercially active individual, I just HAVE to or it could cost me a lot of money. People tend to be so judgemental [:(] Nah not at all. Most in my family already suspected as much. I think you overestimate the negative reactions you'd get to outing yourself, even as a commercially active individual... most people in the BENELUX just don't care about what other people do between the sheets. If you lived in the Bible belt it'd be something else, but at home people just don't care. Especially now that 50 shades has made kink "in". Now that we got the definition of "extreme" out of the way... as far as the unicorn search goes... (and it's just a "unicorn" you're looking for, not a "mythical unicorn"... a mythical unicorn is a horse with a horn on it's head that does't exist and is therefore "mythical"... the type of "unicorn" you're looking for is very real, and does exist, and is therefore very much not "mythical"...) What do you have to offer to a girl who you'd want to be your unicorn? It's very easy for you guys to consider why you would want a girl to join you. What you need to do is place yourself in her shoes and figure out what you have to offer to her. After you figure that out... now picture the fact that there a literally hundreds of couples out there looking for the exact same girl as you are. And there are only a few girls looking for couples like yourself. So step back again, and figure out what you have to offer her, that's different from what the other couples offer her, which would make her want to pick you, instead of another couple. After you figure out what you have to offer her, and how that's better than what the other couples have to offer her... step back again and figure out the compromised and changes that you as a couple are willing to make to your own relationship to accommodate this new person in your life. You are already asking her to compromise a great deal and take a great deal of risk (she's moving, she's not going to be loved, she doesn't have the security of being in a primary relationship, she'll have to obey). The situation as it is right now is one in which you're expecting her to take all the risk, make all the compromises, and where you take none. No sane girl will go into that type of situation, because she'll be laying everything on the line, and have everything to loose, while you guys risk nothing, compromise nothing and have nothing to loose... it's just not a good "deal"... so you need to figure out how you're willing to compromise for her, so that you're equally laying your cards on the table, and the relationship can start on stable grounds. Figure all those things out, and maybe... just maybe... if you're patient... and you're willing to sacrifice... and you're willing to put in the time and effort... and you're willing to deal with the frustration and disappointment of girl after girl after girl you talk to not working out... maybe in a couple years you guys will actually find a unicorn that will fit with the both of you.

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