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Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 10:03:34 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		This is not ad at all, this is a question but I need to explain a bit before I ask it.

I'm new to the Dom/sub world and am looking for my first Master, but I have some....issues with that. I'm new to quite a lot. I had my first time last week with a guy that is not into this kind of thing so we ended it, I wasn't willing to settle for less when I've wanted to be a sub for so long. That being said I need training in a lot of areas. I'm also looking to have this be a 24/7 lifestyle, and not just play but he's really got his work cut out for him.

My life has been at somewhat of a standstill for my entire 21 years and I'm really trying to open up and experience new things, and not just sexually, but I've no idea where to begin.

My question is, am I asking too much? Is training a sub literally from scratch in the bedroom and out something no experienced Master will want to do? Is this more than a experience Dom would even consider doing? Should I give it up for now and come back when I have more sexual experience?

Thanks in advance for comments and advice offered.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 10:36:35 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You should start by getting away from the word "training". Most male Doms use that as an euphemism for "Tie you up, beat you and then fuck you". They convince novices that they need to be "trained" so they can get their rocks off.

You don't need training.

Unless you're in a leather community (like LadyPact) there are no set protocols or rules.

D/s BDSM relationships are just relationships. The difference is that they have clearly defined roles. Every person has different needs, wants and desires. You cannot be a cookie cutter and expect to fit.

Date someone. Take your time. Get to know him. Find out his likes, dislikes and needs. Work towards making those happen smoothly.

And walk away from any guy that offers to "train" you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GentleLovely)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 10:50:57 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you so much for your advice, I can certainly use it and apply it to my life. There is so much information, so many new terms and meanings that it's a bit overwhelming. I'm trying to make some sense of it all.

Thank you for your help :)

Is there anything else I should steer clear of, if you don't mind me asking?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:05:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Anyone who tells tells you that they want someone with no limits. There is no such thing. Everyone has limits. Those in long term relationships, no longer have the need to trot those limits out, but they still exist.

I understand that there is a very active D/s BDM community in Florida. I would suggest getting out to some munches, discussions and demonstrations. Gain some knowledge. Get to know people. Maybe find yourself an experienced female submissive as a mentor. Also, I would look into Next Gen groups.

Fet Life is a great place to find out what is happening near you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GentleLovely)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:15:16 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		I've actually signed up to fetlife just the other day and someone recommended this site. I'm in Orlando so I'm sure there are munches but I'm really shy so I may have to give myself a stern pep talk before I go. What does the Next Gen group consist of?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:21:01 AM   
LittleGirlHeart


Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		Also you can safely tell those who try to tell you that you're not a real sub because you won't bow and scrape and grovel to every one that says to do so, to puss off.

(in reply to GentleLovely)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:22:05 AM   
LittleGirlHeart


Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		The next gen is for ppl 18_35 if I'm thinking of the right group.

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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:25:36 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Correct. Next Gen groups are groups restricted to younger age groups.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:26:17 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		That's what I thought too. I've already had to deal with that.

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:33:15 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		That sound like something I'd be interested in, though I'm more attracted to older me, but 35 is pretty much my limit. I will definitely check it out. Thank you so much for being so helpful.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 11:34:51 AM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you very much for you help :)

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 1:02:50 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
quote:

You should start by getting away from the word "training". Most male Doms use that as an euphemism for "Tie you up, beat you and then fuck you". They convince novices that they need to be "trained" so they can get their rocks off.
You don't need training.

Unless you're in a leather community (like LadyPact) there are no set protocols or rules.

D/s BDSM relationships are just relationships. The difference is that they have clearly defined roles. Every person has different needs, wants and desires. You cannot be a cookie cutter and expect to fit.

Date someone. Take your time. Get to know him. Find out his likes, dislikes and needs. Work towards making those happen smoothly.
I loved this advice for you GentleLovely. Please heed it, as it may literally save your life. This ?lifestyle is about nothing more, and nothing less than establishing relationships. Find books to read, and you will find yourself described in those pages. Go to amazon or other places online, and search for books where you may learn some of the basics.

It's okay to be inexperienced. Be careful about offering yourself up to just anyone for "training." Finding someone to have sex with, will not be a problem, I promise you. Find someone you can like, and respect, and trust first.
Good luck, and welcome to the forums, M



_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 1:07:25 PM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you so much for highlight points and expanding on their importance, it got me thinking about revising my approach to this whole experience. I'm really, really happy that people in this community can offer such a helpful advice and direction while being very welcoming and open.

I'm definitely not here for play, I'm here for a relationship.

Are there any books you absolutely recommend for me?

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 1:12:23 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The Loving Dominant - Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns are both good.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GentleLovely)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 1:23:53 PM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		Oh good, they have kindle versions as well. Thank you so very much.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 1:24:50 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		Again, OsideGirl came in with my first 2 favorite books.

Additionally, I liked http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1890159077/qid=993529854/sr=1-2/ref=sc_b_2/102-7409864-1495338 Training With Miss Abernathy : A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy
SM 101 : A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People, by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt
I think these books will give you a good understanding of wiitwd in general. The other piece of advice, is find local munches (group meetings where they talk about this, teach, and when they like you, invite you to parties at their homes/places they know. I was very shy, and needed someone to hold my hand learning initially; so offer to be friends with people who may want to teach, without necessarily having an intimate relationship at first. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to GentleLovely)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 2:02:24 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLovely

Is there anything else I should steer clear of, if you don't mind me asking?



I think it is best to avoid 'mystical doms': those who claim to know you better than you know yourself.
Also, if you find someone who is personally compelling but your gut is telling you any variety of "No!", listen to your gut.

People who test you repeatedly, or those who request nudity on cam to either prove you are female or submissive... steer clear of those.
Don't get naked or have sex with anyone before you are ready.
If he is worth your time, he will be happily willing to wait.

If you have made an agreement not to play on say the first (or 2nd...or 5th) date and the guy tries to nudge you into it, then you know he is less likely to respect any limits or boundaries you may have.
Once you move a boundary or limit, it is very difficult to put it back.
So, decide what limits or boundaries are important to you (and because you are new, you may not instantly know what they are just yet; be patient with yourself), communicate their importance clearly and stick to what you know to be true for yourself.

If you find someone you like but your wants, needs and desires don't match with his, it does not mean you are not submissive enough, it simply means you are incompatible.



_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to GentleLovely)
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RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 3:43:38 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with all of these, and wanted to mention contracts... They are adorable, and maybe a guide to expectations, but don't believe that just because you both signed a non legally binding contract, it means the dominant is an honorable person, who would respect, and abide by those words. Pay attention to a dominant's behavior with other people, for a clue of what his behavior with you will be like. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:03:44 PM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you so much, this is exactly what I needed right now. Some guidance on where and how to begin. I really appreciate your input.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is it too much? - 4/7/2013 6:05:36 PM   
GentleLovely


Posts: 28
Joined: 4/6/2013
Status: offline 		I really appreciate all you have to say and advice offered, I will definitely use it and I'm glad I started this thread, I'll be able to refer back to it and maybe some other people like me can get the same good advice I received. Thank you, so much :)

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 20
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