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Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:00:50 PM   
LoyalBlackOne


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/5/2012
Status: offline 		Despite being contacted by male dommes(I'm straight) on a regular basis, I can barely get any interest from female dommes. Its frustrating when you know you're submissive but you're forced to have vanilla relationships. I want to serve. I want to please. I want to worship my Goddess. What mistakes am I making? And any tips?
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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:04:46 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I think it's more a situation of the large number of male subs and very few female Dommes. You're not the only guy that is having a hard time finding a D to serve.

Honestly, I think it's easier for guys to find someone by being involved in the community rather than being one of the deluge of emails on a website.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:07:48 PM   
LoyalBlackOne


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/5/2012
Status: offline 		I can see that. Horny guys mess things up for us true submissive men. I'm going to try and be more active to see if that helps down the road. Thank you very much :)

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:12:23 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Honestly, I think it's easier for guys to find someone by being involved in the community rather than being one of the deluge of emails on a website.

That makes a lot of sense to me. If you don't like the odds in the game you're playing then switch the game :) This is akin to me saying I'd be able to find a stunt bottom or a loaner slave if I needed one.... something about being the guy who hauled furniture up and down stairs adding to the kindly way in which I am viewed.


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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:25:29 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoyalBlackOne

Despite being contacted by male dommes(I'm straight) on a regular basis, I can barely get any interest from female dommes. Its frustrating when you know you're submissive but you're forced to have vanilla relationships. I want to serve. I want to please. I want to worship my Goddess. What mistakes am I making? And any tips?


Have you made any attempt to find and join your local BDSM community? There's a large active one in the St Louis area. I would suggest joining it, going to as many events as you can, making friends and learning from them.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 3:31:42 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoyalBlackOne

Despite being contacted by male dommes(I'm straight) on a regular basis, I can barely get any interest from female dommes. Its frustrating when you know you're submissive but you're forced to have vanilla relationships. I want to serve. I want to please. I want to worship my Goddess. What mistakes am I making? And any tips?

I agree with the other comments, but I also think there's something to the question you're asking. I have heard dom women say things like "black subs are more likely to be a pain in the ass to train." And I don't think this was a racist-type thing per se, but rather a comment on how black men in America, on average, learn to treat women.

I've heard much stronger (negative) comments about male subs from India or the Middle East. And again, it seemed more like a culture clash than a skin color thing.

So I'd be interested to see if someone with more direct experience could pick this up and either agree or disagree with me.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 4:06:50 PM   
midmichiganguy


Posts: 49
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline 		Honestly, good luck with the online thing. Or even getting involved with your local community. Most communities I used to be involved with several years ago tended to be very suspicious of single male submissives or they held negative opinions about your motives for being there. You will actually have much better luck finding a vanilla girl, pampering the hell out of her like no other, and meticulously and deliberately easing her into your kinks over a period of time. So good luck with it. I know some male submissives that I have met at events who have went 5, 10, even 20+ years and still cannot find their goddess. And then I know even others yet who met someone vanilla and focused on their mutual interests outside of the lifestyle and are now in very committed bdsm relationships.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 4:15:43 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I'm going to try and be more active to see if that helps down the road.


I highly recommend volunteering at events. This will spotlight your willingness to serve in non-sexual ways and help you network.

Good luck!

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 4:19:35 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


Honestly, I think it's easier for guys to find someone by being involved in the community rather than being one of the deluge of emails on a website.


I think it's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

For example, I find munches boring. I have no particular interest in socializing with people based on a foundation of a shared interest in BDSM. (I'd rather go to a book club.) And it takes a lot of time to expose yourself to a small universe of people.

Online can be frustrating. But it's more efficient. You can cast a wide net quicker.

I don't believe there is any approach that will inherently provide better results.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 4:20:05 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I'm going to try and be more active to see if that helps down the road.


I highly recommend volunteering at events. This will spotlight your willingness to serve in non-sexual ways and help you network.

Good luck!


Exactly! That is how most of my FemDomme friends found their subs/slaves. They were impressed by their behavior and service.


_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 4:23:30 PM   
midmichiganguy


Posts: 49
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline 		Good luck with volunteerism in the community. Give it a time frame of say a year and then try something else. Don't waste 5 years volunteering at events all over the state like I did. Wasted my time and my return on investment (time invested) was so negligible as to be nonexistent.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 6:26:42 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoyalBlackOne
I can barely get any interest from female dommes.


Because I'm a black male sub, I think I'm qualified to answer this one.

The answer is definitely "YES, it is harder for black subs". But it's difficult for male subs of all races. So keep that in mind as you read my next point.

Being a black male sub has issues that other subs don't face. There is a set of cultural expectations that people often bring to their interactions with black men. This is often true, even if the person is not aware that they're doing it. Many people view black males as thugs, even if the black male is a college educated professional.

I've been told by quite a few white Dommes that black men are "naturally dominant", and that they don't believe that there is such a thing as a "black male sub". I've also come across innumerable Domme profiles that explicitly say "NO BLACK MEN". I'm sure you've seen that as well. Others say that they just don't trust black men enough to invite them into their home or be alone with them in private. These are stereotypes that white male subs typically don't have to deal with. But if you persevere, you can overcome them.

Don't give up. You'll find the Domme that you're looking for if you keep searching. But you will likely have a more difficult time than your white counterparts.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 6:35:08 PM   
VioletViolence


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
Status: offline 		From a very basic first impression, you seem like a nice, polite young man. You make mention in your profile that you know serving isn't all about sex, which is good but I think you could add to your profile a bit. Talk about what you're looking for, what your hobbies are, what interests you both in and out of the bedroom. Plus what everyone else has said.

-edit- This was a FR, not actually replying to Roch

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 7:55:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I haven't had many experiences with black male subs saying they had any more or less trouble in the real life community. I will say that in some locations, the demographics of the kink community don't necessarily match the demographics of the location. I haven't had the opportunity to visit St Louis, so I don't know if this is reflective of your location.

Sorry, OP, but a quick side word about this.......


quote:

ORIGINAL: midmichiganguy
Good luck with volunteerism in the community. Give it a time frame of say a year and then try something else. Don't waste 5 years volunteering at events all over the state like I did. Wasted my time and my return on investment (time invested) was so negligible as to be nonexistent.
Really? You didn't have any fun? No opportunities to socialize? You didn't learn any new skills or information that has been helpful to you during and after that five years? You didn't meet any interesting people or form any new friendships?

You are right. If you didn't reap any of those benefits, it probably was a waste of your time. Perhaps that is why you appear to be so negative on this thread.



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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 8:04:10 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I've been told by quite a few white Dommes that black men are "naturally dominant", and that they don't believe that there is such a thing as a "black male sub". I've also come across innumerable Domme profiles that explicitly say "NO BLACK MEN". I'm sure you've seen that as well. Others say that they just don't trust black men enough to invite them into their home or be alone with them in private. These are stereotypes that white male subs typically don't have to deal with. But if you persevere, you can overcome them.



This surprised me, in a disappointing way. When I read the topic of the OP, my first thought was, No, it's about ratio, not race. It's unfortunate that race decreases the odds even more.

One of the nicest, sexiest men I've dated is a black man. Mind you, he is a dominant man, but that's the personality-type/orientation that attracts me since I'm submissive toward men I am intimate with. It never dawned on me not to invite him to my home, or to think him a thug. We didn't work out because we were incompatible outside of the bedroom, but not for the reasons you mentioned. One of the many incompatibility issues came from him - because I'm *not* black. His friends and family would not accept him going out with a white woman.

In any case, I do wish the OP the best in his search.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 8:59:54 PM   
midmichiganguy


Posts: 49
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline
[/quote]Really? You didn't have any fun? No opportunities to socialize? You didn't learn any new skills or information that has been helpful to you during and after that five years? You didn't meet any interesting people or form any new friendships?

You are right. If you didn't reap any of those benefits, it probably was a waste of your time. Perhaps that is why you appear to be so negative on this thread.


[/quote]

If I am negative it is because I have wasted a total of 10 years of my life or approximately 29 percent of it in this lifestyle before I learned my lesson and stopped going/getting involved/or looking for something more within it. I started this lifestyle with the idea of continual self-improvement in the hopes that the more I learned the more valuable I would appear to a potential female Dominant. So I would volunteer, make connections, learn new skills inside and outside the lifestyle that would benefit a partner, and in general worked very, very hard at upgrading myself. Instead what I learned was that I met people who appeared stunted in their personal growth, who formed cliques, who had no desire to evolve beyond immediate hedonistic gratification, who could not generally hold a decent conversation on any topic with any sort of depth or insight, and who in turn had severe ulterior motives for nearly everything they did. I once had someone say that because my shoes were polished and I had a freshly ironed shirt on that I appeared high maintenance and arrogant. I replied that if basic hygene and maintenance were equated with arrogance then I did not want to know those would think so of me in the first place.

So to answer your questions then. Socializing? Not worth the effort or the time and the people are not those I want in my everyday life anyways. I don't have time for their drama, insecurities, mind games, or entitlement issues.

Having fun? Again, not really. To have fun you have to enjoy being there and if the majority of the people are a turn off then there is no fun to be had. Erego over time you simply stop going and getting involved. It is just such a shame it took me too many years to realize how things truly were in this lifestyle.

Learn new skill? Granted I did learn some new skills but I also learned a LOT more on my own through my own research and studying. And that turned off people more than anything. When you tell people that you work full-time, go to school full-time, and have still found time to learn swedish massage, culinary cooking, etc. etc. and they in turn get angry or upset because they have done nothing with their lives towards self-improvement then what I have I really learned from being there or meeting them in the first place?

Interesting people? A few here and a few there but not enough out of the masses to make it really worth my while. Plus most of the interesting people I met turned out to be very manipulative or very entitlement centered because of their self-proclaimed importance.

New friendships? Initially, yes. Until those friendships starting coming with severe price tags because I was submissive and therefore expected to act/behave/cow tow/and provide certain services like custodial maintenance or cooking for them and their parties. And when I stood up and said that no I wouldn't, then I had rumors, insinuations, and in one instance even threats leveled against me.

But anyways, moving on. OP, don't be a fool and don't let others use you. Keep an open mind and don't spend more time or effort than what you are receiving in return. If you don't self-monitor the people/places/events/ etc. then you will regret your decisions in this lifestyle.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 9:10:42 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, if you're in St. Louis, you might look up my friend Hooked Dreamer. She's about 80% Domme and 20% sub, and doesn't care what people's color might be.

Also, fill out your profile with your vanilla side. Let Dommes see what you're like.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 9:33:06 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I have heard dom women say things like "black subs are more likely to be a pain in the ass to train." And I don't think this was a racist-type thing per se, but rather a comment on how black men in America, on average, learn to treat women.



Personally, I don't believe that and it hasn't been my experience with the multiple black male subs I've met through this site, one of whom served me for over two years before his federal law enforcement job transfer. He's still a special person in my life.

Hang in there, OP. Your age also makes it tougher to find a Domme, but that will take care of itself.

** Edited after I saw the OP's intro thread.

< Message edited by MissToYouRedux -- 4/8/2013 9:50:20 PM >

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/8/2013 10:09:58 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Ya know, I have had a lot of black subs in the past. I've never really thought about it until now. I assume its hard for anyone to find exactly what they seek, but possible.

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RE: Is it harder for black subs? - 4/9/2013 12:00:15 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoyalBlackOne
Despite being contacted by male dommes(I'm straight) on a regular basis, I can barely get any interest from female dommes. Its frustrating when you know you're submissive but you're forced to have vanilla relationships. I want to serve. I want to please. I want to worship my Goddess. What mistakes am I making? And any tips?
I'm not sure you are necessarily making any mistakes (generally speaking). There are a few hurdles you may have to jump through, writing to a lady, paying attention to her profile/commenting on such, and making her completely enthralled by your attentiveness, is no easy feat.

Additionally, you're young, you may also want to learn about basic BDSM reading, and get familiar, as well as going to young person's events, to learn and become 'the prey.'
http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/dailyrft/2011/05/bdsm_club_the_facility_st_louis.php#Comments.
http://www.bdsmsingles.com/free_db/2. These are my very superficial searches, but I hope that you will be able to communicate with like minded people in your area. Good luck, M

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