Proprietrix
Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
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There comes this point in desperation that we realize all else has failed and the only option left is to either keep on doing what we’ve been doing, or reluctantly take the reigns and go find more options.
Every time we hit rock bottom, we grab a shovel and make the bottom deeper so we can hit it again.
Rock bottom is different for everyone. Maybe drugs and alcohol, loss of education, loss of a job, family dynamics, eating disorders, being pimped out on the internet, seeing that perfect relationship fly out the window, losing our child, self mutilation, the 12th suicide attempt, a life of crime, whatever…
When you are there, as much as you feel like you want things to be better, you are comfortable exactly where you are. And you don’t even realize that what you are calling misery is actually comfort.
I keep fucking up because fucking up my life is all I know and the prospect of not fucking up my life is scary. Being responsible is unknown turf. Being careful is outside my box. Being accountable seems like a goal I’ll never be able to live up to. I can’t. Even if I tried, I would fail. So I will sit here in my comfort zone even though I know that this comfort zone will get me no where except more misery.
It’s only when you get so god damn blasted sick and fucking tired of being so sick and fucking tired of being sick and tired, that you really don’t know what else to do.
So you try medication, and you try therapy, and you try a vacation, and you try a different relationship, and you try church, and you try family, and you try friends, and you try this and that and the other,
and there’s this nagging voice muttering some shit in the back of your mind that you can’t understand,
and you’re laying in your pit of misery and then finally the voice becomes a little more clear.
You have to try nothing except you.
And well, that didn’t help a bit. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have nothing and the few things I do have I ruin and the few people I do have I’m hurting. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. I wouldn’t know happiness if it was sitting in front of me.
It’s a lonely place to be. And that loneliness is exactly what it takes. When there’s no pill, no counselor, no significant other, no family, no friends, no NOTHING. It only leaves one option. You.
And you want to cry because responsibility wasn’t part of the plan. But crying is long gone. You don’t get that option anymore. You don’t get the option of self pity anymore. You don’t get the option of abusive relationships anymore. You don’t get the option of suicide anymore. You don’t get the option of self-harm anymore. You don’t get the option of drugs and alcohol and binging and purging and meaningless sex and masochism. You don’t get the option of hitting rock bottom. You don’t get the option of beating your head against the wall. You don’t get the option of giving up.
You used up all those options.
The only thing left is… you.
When you realize that you are the only option left, the path you need to take becomes clear, one little tiny step at a time. You no longer see "all my life I’ve been a failure" (remember, self pity is no longer an option). What you do see is a mess and 2 tiny things that need done. I need to pick this up and sit it there. Then you see another tiny thing that needs done. I need to say "today my option is me."
Over time, this goes here, and that goes there. That child needs a meal. I need a breath of fresh air. Shoes go by the door. We’re going to start eating at the kitchen table. I’m going to wear a comfortable outfit. I’m going to wear a bit of eyeliner. I have to pay that bill. That child needs a hug.
The big things aren’t in view. There’s no relationships to worry about. No house to purchase. No degree to obtain. No promotion to seek out. No weight to lose.
Those things are far, far away for now. Maybe someday they need confronted, but for now, you’re only an army of one and the battles must be kept small.
And that’s all there is. Just tiny little battles that you and you alone are fighting. (Remember, ignoring it is no longer an option.)
Pretty soon you learn to cry again and the tears offer a bit of relief.
Then you learn to laugh again.
In time, you learn to love again.
Providing the neccesities in life for your child and yourself becomes routine and through establishing that routine, you grew a little, became a little stronger, and got a little bit farther out of that pit of misery and away from rock bottom. So now you’re a stronger person and ready to take on the next battle. Now that we have basic needs met, I can work on proper discipline, or quality time, or communication.
And all the while, you’re child is growing up. But instead of seeing the hopeless, helpless parent who wallows in self-misery, she’s seeing the weak parent become strong. She’s seeing mom overcome obstacles a little at a time. She’s seeing perseverance, and determination, and tenacity. She sees someone with hope. Someone who takes responsibility. Someone who is accountable for their own actions.
Remember, all those qualities you felt were so far away and unobtainable? Now you are displaying them.
And under it all, you learn to give pause and smile at the basic down-to-earth concept that some days still suck.
And that you’ll never be perfect.
But that’s ok. Perfection wasn’t the goal.
Remember, you couldn’t even figure out what the goal was?
All you know is that today is a little bit better than yesterday.
All you know is that you never again want to be where you were a year ago.
And soon enough, that’s not even a concern.
Going back to that pit of misery, blaming others, blaming yourself, cries for attention, unsurity, self-harm, and that desolate lonely rock-bottom (that really felt so comfortable), simply isn’t somewhere you want to be.
You crawled out. You found comfort outside of that realm. You fought the battles to be a better person.
And you did it alone – because the only option was – you.
Guess who gets all the credit for the wonderful person you become?
You.
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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 
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