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Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 1:22:14 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		To all the motherfuckers on this planet  This is what i have to say.  Because i will be heard.  i will be heard.  GOD damn i will be heard.  People will know what the fuck THEIR ACTIONS can cause.  They will know.  And one day when this world sees the light of Good - they will learn to better love their fellow humans.  They maybe will one day learn to treat others better.  If there is anything anyone could learn from me and my life.  Its BE A GOOD PERSON - love others - treat them well and realise that how you treat them or not treat them - affects them.





Oh God


i think i'm going to sufficate and just stop breathing.  i dont know.  Oh god.  i think i'm confused.  i dont know???  i would thank God if he just snuffed me out right now.  This soul ripping, gut wrenching fucking thing i feel.  Oh god.  i'm in shock.  CAN I DIE please.  But no, i've this little girl who i have to be here for.  For the first time in my life, i regret having her.  Because if i didnt have her, i could go off and finish the destruction of me.
God, fate didnt want me on this planet.  i wasnt supposed to be here.  i wasnt supposed to ever be anything.  i was supposed to wilt away and die long time ago.  i should of.  I should of succeeded in my suicide attempt at 19.  Why must i be here?  Its not quitting, its being intelligent.
i look over my life and what do i have?  A beautiful little girl that i will probably one day fuck her over.  She doesnt need to be brought into my fucked up life, my misery.  She deserves happiness and i am never going to be able to give it to her.  How can i?  She deserves a good life and i'm just a fucked up person.  i always will be.  No matter how hard i work at it.  It just never happens.  Its all ripped away, out from under my feet. i dont know why.  i dont know why its like this.  i dont know what i've done to deserve all this.
the shock is wearing off
and i am still at a loss.  i still am having a hard time comphrending. i dont even know what to do.  What to think.  i dont want to talk to anyone.  i think my voice left me.  i dont want to see anyone - i dont think i could bear to see the look in their eyes when they look at me.  To see the "poor kelly" bullshit.  Even if its not bullshit - i still couldnt stand it.  God i think if some one tried to hug me or comfort me i will lose it. 

i do not think i can deal with anyone.  And i'm not writing this for help, or a attention or whatever the fuck.  i'm not writing this because i want others to care.  Because i know they do not.  Its not possible.

I am writing this to tell the world excatly what i fucking think. To tell all you bastards and mother fuckers, you fucking ppl out there.. just excatly what the fuck. 

This is not a "today" thing.  It is not a yesterday thing.  Its a long process in the making.  Its life.  It is my life.  It is what i have struggled against for so long. 
 
And as i realise that others may read into the message things i do not intend.  My safety is fine.  i have a daughter who i would not fuck over with my selfishness.  i would never hurt her.  So no worries
 
He never loved me.  This man i called Master.  i allowed myself to be fooled, because i so wanted what love, comfort, safety.  i so wanted what everyone else seemed to get.  What gets ripped away from me time and time again, leaving me broke. 
 
i figured out his passwords and i read his emails.  Emails.. oh god.. those emails. 
He played me.  He played me well.  i oddly do not even want to seek some sort of vengence for myself. 

i am just purely lost.  Barely comphrending.  Just knowing one thing.  The world and i would of been better off if i had succeeded in my suicide attempt at 19.  If they hadnt revived me.  Fate and all that just thought it'd be so funny to fuck over my fool proof plan.  Every one fucking beats me - i can never wim

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 6/24/2006 1:25:22 AM >
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 1:42:54 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		It seems to have a few choices, forgive and move on, just move on and consider him a complete shit or get even. Getting even can feel good but one needs to know when to stop and one can get carried away on the deliciousness of revenge. It's probably best to consider him a complete shit and just move on.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconceivable depths - 6/24/2006 1:53:21 AM   
mtumwawaBwana


Posts: 541
Status: offline 		the "mother" side of you will kick in and respond in your unmentionables best interests

seek out family and close friends to help you in this your hour of need. turn to your priest or religious counselor. try to not isolate your self. go stay with a close friend and confidant for a few days to give your self time to get good footing and think more calmly and rationally. above all ....your unmentionable should come first in your life. there are many here in CM who know you well and care about you. allow then to give you emotional support...a solid shoulder to cry on.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 2:02:27 AM   
somekindawndrful


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		damn girl....your post title caught my eye and if it doesn't bring back all the same bullshit that i suffered through for a man who first enslaved me utterly, and then discarded me as so much used up garbage.  i wish i could give you some words of support, but now....even two years later i am still caught unaware at times at the ferocity of the bitterness and despair....as if it were just happening again.   What some of these assholes are thinking when they play at being Masters I haven't a clue.  They apparently don't know or don't care how much effort goes into submitting completely, how totally a person can become enslaved, just how DEEP those puppet strings run into the brain and soul...and to be let loose or betrayed, tossed in the corner like some lifeless doll....its the worse kind of damage to the psyche.  
I can well imagine the bleakness of your spirit right now.  But sweetheart....hear this.  DONT LET THE FUCKER GET THE BEST OF YOU!
That is the ONLY revenge you can have.  He will never repent or feel bad about what he did, if he is like most of these bastards, playing at being God.  And to exist in spite of him, to live to spit in his eye.....is the best you can do.   Do your raging, get it out of your soul...then move on to give the best of what remains to someone who deserves you. 

leslie

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 2:06:58 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		You are STRONG. You will survive. Your life has purpose. You are one of the great POWERS of the universe, as all slaves are. Feel your inner self. Feel your STRENGTH. It pervades everything. Be positive.
 
You were smart. You discovered that you were being played. That makes you a winner. It makes the other a loser. If you had not discovered what was going on, you would be the loser. But you did discover it, so you are the winner.
 
Do make copies of all his emails and save them also in a secure place outside your home.
 
You already had started a new life without him. This was therefore meant to be. Your life is still on track and its holy purpose is still being watched over. You are in shock now, but that will pass and you will emerge from it purified and stronger. Now rally and have faith.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 2:11:04 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Believe me, from personal experience subs can be just as bad. It's not a dom or sub thing but a person thing.

(in reply to somekindawndrful)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 2:52:44 AM   
kendrakendra


Posts: 10
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline 		I know it sounds so trite -- but you will get better with time. Please just allow yourself to be angry for a while and let the anger stir you to positive action. Many of us have had similar experiences and are now stronger, more capable people.

You WILL get better, simply because you must. Your daughter is a very powerful motivating factor. And you will find depths of strength for both of you.

As for " A beautiful little girl that i will probably one day fuck her over.", please rest assured, we all fuck over our children in one way or another. It is just another part of life --- I have even heard it said it is our job to fuck them over so they can grow!

So please just hang in there -- and remember that we cyber strangers do care......and so do the "real life" folks around you.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:09:47 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Fuck saving his emails.  i dont need to.  What to remind myself in the future?  Oh god no.

Funny - he didnt just play me.  He's played countless women.. countless. He tells ppl he's a true SLAVE.  Isnt that funny?  He also wants to be chastised and he wants to chastise others.  i think he is on a mission not to let the world fuck.

Thats pretty funny.  um ha.  yeah. 

He throws love around like its candy.

Friends family?  Fuck them.  Theyve screwed me over, hurt me, fucking beat up on me emotionally all my life.  Like i'm ever giving another person a fucking chance.  People can rot in hell. 

Forgive him?  you must be crazier then i am.  Let myself be angry.. thats even fucking nutter - you want me to let this out?  Are you nuts? Ha

Yeah anyways.  Dont give pity - or sympathy.  i dont want words of care.  Just beat on me, k?  i deserve it i really do.  i KNOW better then to fall into this trap.  i knew better then to trust him  Yet i allowed it.  i allowed all of it.  i allowed to be treated like i did.  i allowed his lies.  i allowed it period. 

i dont NEED ANY FUCKING PITY or sympathy.  So stop it please.  just tell me - i told you so.  Your a fucking stupid bitch. 

(in reply to kendrakendra)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:14:56 AM   
BuxomGoddess714


Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: somekindawndrful

.....What some of these assholes are thinking when they play at being Masters I haven't a clue.  They apparently don't know or don't care how much effort goes into submitting completely, how totally a person can become enslaved, just how DEEP those puppet strings run into the brain and soul...and to be let loose or betrayed, tossed in the corner like some lifeless doll....its the worse kind of damage to the psyche.....  
leslie
 

Try to remember that even tho these assholes are playing at being Masters, YOU were genuine.  It does take a lot of effort if we are being real - YOUR effort, stretching, growth, submission, gifts, Love, loyalty, devotion, etc. was REAL.  That will always belong to you, so dont negate that.  You learned what you are capable of and it is even more difficult with someone who is playing you and untrustworthy.  Imagine how well you'd do with a REAL Man who wasn't cheating, Emailing other women or being dishonest?  There are lots of jerks like this, but there are some decent folk out there.  he is the loser, not you.  he fucked up and you caught him before you ruined your entire life with him; how lame is he?  You are not the first person this has happened to, and a woman doesn't need to be stupid or a bitch to be conned or manipulated by an asshole fronting as a Dom who really is just a lying prick you needed to get away from.  You may have had a fucked up life in the past just as alot of us have, but in this situation, its him, not you who is the loser and fuck up. 


< Message edited by BuxomGoddess714 -- 6/24/2006 3:42:36 AM >

(in reply to somekindawndrful)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:17:59 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl. 

i dont NEED ANY FUCKING PITY or sympathy.  So stop it please.  just tell me - i told you so.  Your a fucking stupid bitch. 



You're a stupid fucking bitch!

*well someone was going to say it with that invitation*

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:42:49 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		i fucking know it Meat

but GEE i'm having so much FUN playing in all his accounts.  Woot Woot.  God damn that man has more email address then i can "almost" keep track off.. and i have yet to find them all.  He's got more accounts on websites than i can even begin to go play in.  LOL  Gee some fo its so shocking its damn funny.  Who'd of fucking thunk it that he considers himself a slave.  What the hell is wrong with him, playing Master with me.  But then i suppose with my many chats with ppl on here and those that are in the lifestyle - i sort of knew it. 

but gee i was willing to work with him.

Granted i'm not "fucking" with his stuff.  Not ruining it, not closing down accounts, not deleting his email address, emails.. closing down his bank accounts.. not shutting him off from being able to even access it.. not emailing every buddy he knows/talks to and providing proof that he's a player and an asshole.. so the world could hate him.

Tho i did delete his spam for him.  Boy wont it be fun to watch him stutter when i confront him?  Course that'll happen at my own pace when i can handle things.  Yeah and i want to confront the bitch of a Mistress who was his reference. 

but i wont.  i've alot of his stuff here too.  Wouldnt it be fun to start a bonfire and then invite him over?  LOLOLOL but no, i wont damage a thing.  i will eventually say "come get it"  No, and i wont email the ppl at his job at Nasa either.  Nor his boss.

No, i wont hurt him.  i'm not like that unfortunetly.  But gee, i hold his life in my hands right now.  What a FUCKING STUPID ASS IGNORANT bitch he is. 

but then it takes one to know one.. so well i shouldnt talk.  Except he couldnt do a damn thing to me he hasnt already done.  So i suppose i've one upped him.  LOL

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:43:04 AM   
slaveofdarkhold


Posts: 124
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		go get some therapy. That's not meant to be insulting. Clearly you need some proffessional help to get through this. You say you're safe but whatever youre clearly in a bad place mentally. Go get some therapy. Call a helpline. You owe it to yourself and your child. I believe that you wont kill yourself because you need to take care of her but that doesnt mean she wont be distressed with the way you are. Kids pick up on more than we give them credit for. Get some help. Now.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:49:25 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		oh good god.. i think he might be bi as well

gee he's emailing not only Mistresses but Masters as well.

this story gets better and better.  Almost as good as a soap.. except i think soaps are dumb and boring

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 3:54:06 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Having gone through the been there done that situation also with a child and also having been suicidal I can tell you I do know what you are going through. And for that reason I will tell you this. GROW UP. Learn from this experience and dont repeat it. You state in your first email that you called him Master. Ok.. did he Master you? and if so.. what is the problem? Then you go in the next post about how he wants to be called SLAVE and wants to be chastised. OK>. did you know this BEFORE you called him Master? Or is this the crux of the problem? I mean.. I see alot of ranting and raving.. alot of "Im going to have my pity party but I dont want you to fucking pity me" I mean.. WHAT happened specifically and what is it you want to get from this posting? Just sounds like you are throwing a bunch of drama around to me.


_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:12:58 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		what happened?

he told me he was the love of his life.  I was his heart.  He asked me to marry him.  He promised me he was only friends with this girl.  But then in an email - he told her she was his heart.  No i didnt know he was a slave

the problem is i dont like being played.  i dont like being manipulated, i dont like being lied too.  i dont like being whipped and caned because i think he's screwing around on me.  i dont like ppl going behind my back

because it never occured me that he never loved me.  God he'd look me in the eyes with such sincerity and tell me he loved me.  i just never expected it to be to that depth.  i for some odd reason - didnt think ppl actually stooped that low.  He played my heart.  Yeah i've had my heart broken before.  Whatever

call me what you like.  attention seeker, drama queen, retard, deserving.  i dont care.  i wrote it cos i was in shock and lost and didnt know what to do.  Yay me.  i'm a collarme loser.  No worries.  i'm like out of here when this is done.  No more of my emotions, no more of my rants.. no more of my annoying posts.  Yall should count yourselves lucky and atleast give me this one last time to work through something.  I mean hell, you get so much in return

p.s and i'm not having suicidal thoughts.  Dont be ridiculous

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 6/24/2006 4:14:35 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:28:20 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

oh good god.. i think he might be bi as well

gee he's emailing not only Mistresses but Masters as well.

this story gets better and better.  Almost as good as a soap.. except i think soaps are dumb and boring


Hello Riotgirl,

It's obvious that your hurting enormously but even so I'd thought I'd post some thoughts I had after reading your posts.

Your daughter is the enduring thing in your life, that is where your energy and focus will benefit you, and her, the best.

We don't have a right to anything, happiness, fairness, honesty, love......they are not rights. They are things that we'd like and hope for but they aren't rights.

We don't deserve anything either......we get what we get. We can only HOPE to get *what we think we deserve*.

There is no-one out there monitoring any of our ideas of what we *deserve* or our notion of our *rights*.

Just one more thought...... What my Master is to ME , how he relates to ME, how he benefits ME, how he guides and what he gives ME, matters to me and works.... if he has other aspects to his life that he explores or wants........ it doesn't alter the way he relates to me.

Were you unhappy with the way he related to you in such a way that prompted you to delve into his life?

With regards, agirl



(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:31:42 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Ok... so you ask to be chastised and then get upset when that wish is granted.. I will tell you this.. regardless of your "Im outta here" statement.. if you are submissive.. you will never be "outta here". You will be back. This is who and what you are and you will not be happy without it. So learn from this experience. Make sure you truly know someone before "love" enters in. Thats all you can do sweetie. Good luck to you..



_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:35:32 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline
quote:

Ok... so you ask to be chastised and then get upset when that wish is granted.


you're off base

(in reply to JessieMe)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:55:36 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Fast reply

Boy do I know how this all feels. Going through bs all your life, even family members screwing you over, you wonder who it is that you can really trust? And then when you open up to someone, who claims they will never hurt you, "trust me, I will keep "safe, warm, and loved"", you wonder do you risk your heart once again to have it trampled on once more?  You doubt that they will hold up to the standards, of just not screwing you over like the rest of the bunch have, (is that so hard, no to screw a person over?)  so you  put up a lot of resistance at first, and consitantly reassurance through the entire relationship, because you've been shit on so much, you question everything, even your own self, only to hear those words, "I love you, I would never hurt you." So you let down your guard and you trust some one completely, and you give them your heart, and you know they will care for you and you feel secure in their arms, they might be different and maybe they will not betray you, and just when you let down your guard, you find out, they were full of shit, like everyone else. Geez, what the hell? I mean how many times must a dog get kicked before he chews the leg off his so called Master? 

Master my ass!! So where do you go from here, you feel like a fool for everything, The problem with the entire senario is that its that much more difficult to ever trust again, and when you do, its not completely, because as self defeating as it sounds, its like everyone is out to fuck you over and you almost are certain they will,  because thats what always happens, when you learn to trust despite the past. As soon as you give your heart, and take the risk of really being hurt, BAM fucked over again. I don't loose that word lightly. It hurts, and it makes it worse to ever take another chance in the future.

Sorry this has happened to you Riotgirl.  There is nothing anyone can say right now to make you feel better right now, I know. But it sucks that anyone has to go through this pain.

Nina

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Played - to unconcievable depths - 6/24/2006 4:59:04 AM   
SensualNSadistic


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		Your "master" reminds me of a gentleman I met on here. He had tricked his wife into believeing he was dominant for a couple years, when he truely was a slave type, and eventually admitted it to her. Now they both seek to serve as a masochist slave couple. It's just an idea, but if he is writing both masters and mistresses, maybe he is just realizing that he is a sexual being, not really dom or sub, and the gender of the other person doesn't really matter as long as mutual pleasures flow. Personally, I have experimented in just about every venture of every "deviant" lifestyle other than vanilla....as dom, sub, bi, swinger, nudist, but it always winds up with me going back to my natural person...the dom I was raised to be. One finds it hard to change their personality traits that are instilled in them from birth. Some have never had anything instilled in them, but are free to roam to discover themselves, and never held responsible for their actions....these are the type that do things like your "master" has done. It sounds to me like he is trying to find the true self inside him, and doesn't really know where his core being belongs. I am always up front and honest. I let people know I am married, that we have a completely open relationship, we are both dominant, and we are poly because we have hearts big enough to love more than one other person, although one can only be spread so thin. ( can only take care of so many before it becomes a burden ). The reason my wife and I have separate profiles, as well as a couple profile, is because we are both open to others who only wish to serve just a male, or just a female, and we both enjoy waching one or more serve the other. We don't "play at being dominant", it is the way we were rasied to be from birth...both of us. We live it, we breathe it. But even though we live it 24/7 doesn't mean we flaunt or advertise it to all the public whenever we are away from home. There are those who just could not handle knowing, muchless see it in action. Therefore, although we remain in subtle control in all public environments, to most it doesn't advertise the true depth of the way we live. If someone pics up on it and asks, yes, we tell them. I am not saying I feel sorry for you, or condemn your "master', for without talking with both of you together and hearing both sides, there is no way to fully know the whole story, or what should be done to "settle the dust" around your relationship. What I am saying, is to step back, and take a neutral approach, and look back over the past, and figure out what it is you both want for the future. COMMUNICATE.....any relationship....I don't care what lifestyle it is, bdsm, swinger, nudist or vanilla, can NOT survive without complete open and honest communication of feelings, and each others needs.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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