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I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 8:12:40 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		I gave a short version....each time I got a "time out"...here's the shorter version....

I met my son 3+ years ago....he's now 35....he's gonna come live with me....

I have to actually grow up...be a Dad and all that stuff...

Advice?

Any and all is appreciated.
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 8:28:21 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


be a Dad and all that stuff...

Advice?



Don't. His Dad was the guy who came home every night. Get to know him, and don't assume a biological connection means you already have some deep personal relationship. Certainly don't assume you have a mandate of moral authority regarding his choices.






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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 9:36:57 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		Jeez, that's a hard one. My daughter just turned 28 the 17th. I've never met her, and she has two kids. She was raised in a pretty stable home, and I'm just her father, a.k.a. the guy who got her mother pregnant and didn't bother telling me because she wanted out of the life.

I would say just meet the guy as you would any other, because by this time, he doesn't need a "daddy" anymore. I can't imagine doing anything else should I meet my kid. Don't go any further than that unless he wants to get closer, man. Good luck, I mean that sincerely

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 11:03:08 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		Be a friend and a room mate.

Don't be pushy.

Don't involve yourself in his life where you may not be wanted.

Give him space and be thankful for the chance you have to get to know your adult son.


(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 11:04:43 PM   
jlf1961


Posts: 14840
Joined: 6/10/2008
From: Somewhere Texas
Status: offline 		Hire strippers, buy about 3 grand worth of booze and beer and party for the first month he is there.

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 11:09:02 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jlf1961

Hire strippers, buy about 3 grand worth of booze and beer and party for the first month he is there.


I like the cut of your jib.

< Message edited by MasterCaneman -- 4/23/2013 11:10:29 PM >

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/23/2013 11:27:46 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Lookie, I would just like to expand on what Rich said ...

Be very careful, not to get all paternal on him. He's a 35 year old man that you want to have some kind of relationship with.

Be prepared for the idea that he just has questions to which he needs answers and once he gets them, he may have no more use for you. Sorry but it happens.

I never got to do this with my dad. He died 3 months before I found him. I envy both you of and dread being in both's shoes, all at the same time.

I mean this: contact me, if I can help.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 4/23/2013 11:33:14 PM >

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 4:27:18 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Be yourself.

Why do you feel the need to change?

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 4:45:22 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Expect recriminations.... Not being alarmist, but depending on how he was brought up to believe who and what you were, according to his mom, grandparents, aunts and uncles... etc, he may show signs of anger, disappointment, down the road.
Yeah this is from personal experience, as I have four adult(40-46yearsold) step children, three of which have part of our lives at various times during the past twenty years, and it hasnt all been good at all.

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 5:42:51 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		You're helping him out by letting him come live with you at 35? I suppose you should treat him like any other roomie situation, give each other your personal private spaces, and be considerate when in the same room.
I hanven't a single doubt you will do well, since you've always seemed thoughtful, and funny to be around.
I would say, do be careful about your space, and your feelings. Get to know one another as men, and as long as there is respect, keep the relationship growing slowly.
If there is a mismatch of some sort, don't ignore uneasy feelings either, should they come up, though I hope they do not.
Good luck, M

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(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 5:49:35 AM   
Rasciallymisty


Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		You have been given so much good advice already I just want to wish you the best of luck well you get to know each other. May the outcome be a good one.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 6:03:26 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic


quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


be a Dad and all that stuff...

Advice?



Don't. His Dad was the guy who came home every night. Get to know him, and don't assume a biological connection means you already have some deep personal relationship. Certainly don't assume you have a mandate of moral authority regarding his choices.


Disagree entirely. The biological connection is literally one of a kind, and it's why he's come around. If he just wanted a roommate or pal, he wouldn't be coming to you Lookie. Your relationship with him/his with you will be like none other for either of you. Don't pretend the biological connection means nothing because of his age. Fuck that; it means everything.
Voice of direct experience.

edited to add: I do agree with previous advice to be yourself, Lookie. You are extremely likeable, interesting, bright. He will enjoy you and maybe see himself in you. Vice versa.

< Message edited by Spiritedsub2 -- 4/24/2013 6:07:40 PM >

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 6:07:45 PM   
MasterG2kTR


Posts: 6677
Joined: 8/7/2004
From: Wisconsin
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: erieangel

Be a friend and a room mate.

Don't be pushy.

Don't involve yourself in his life where you may not be wanted.

Give him space and be thankful for the chance you have to get to know your adult son.




THIS is the perfect advice

A long time ago I was the looking at this from the son's perspective with my father.....he blew it!

(in reply to erieangel)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 6:55:51 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		I say let go of expectations and presumptions and let it be, and evolve, as your son wants/needs it to be. You want to befriend, not alienate, each other.

(in reply to MasterG2kTR)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 7:23:24 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie
I met my son 3+ years ago....he's now 35....he's gonna come live with me....

I have to actually grow up...be a Dad and all that stuff...

Advice?

Any and all is appreciated.

not knowing the specifics or how your previous meeting(s) went.. why dont you just be honest & open with him and ask him what he wants? how he sees things going? what does he want/expect? imo, take your lead from him..

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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/24/2013 7:32:55 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		He's 35, so the being a dad part is not like if he was 12 or 16. He doesn't need you to teach him about the world.

As for the biological connection, it means different things to different people. I'm on the other end of the spectrum from Spiritedsub. I couldn't care less.

But you guys have had some "getting to know you" time over the last 3 years. Consider this an extension of that. He will ask you additional things he wants to know. You shouldn't feel scared to ask him things to get to know him better.

You don't say why he is choosing to come live with you at this time, but I recall you mentioning how you have been lonely wandering around your house with nothing but psycho cats for company, so this can be a wonderful change for you. He is still living under your roof, and you are entitled to have expectations of him. His share of household chores, rent, even if you expect to have dinner twice a week together, or something of that nature. Make those things clear from the start, so neither of you are disappointed or shocked at what the other wants.

As for you needing to grow up now....meh...like I said earlier, he's 35, he doesn't need you to be the oh so wise father, so just have fun and be yourself. Even when it is your child, you shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/25/2013 8:54:45 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		You have mail regarding this.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/26/2013 3:18:20 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jlf1961

Hire strippers, buy about 3 grand worth of booze and beer and party for the first month he is there.


This speaks to me.

(in reply to jlf1961)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/26/2013 3:20:27 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Lookie, I would just like to expand on what Rich said ...

Be very careful, not to get all paternal on him. He's a 35 year old man that you want to have some kind of relationship with.

Be prepared for the idea that he just has questions to which he needs answers and once he gets them, he may have no more use for you. Sorry but it happens.

I never got to do this with my dad. He died 3 months before I found him. I envy both you of and dread being in both's shoes, all at the same time.

I mean this: contact me, if I can help.



Peace and comfort,



Michael


Well stated.

He's nervous, and excited, lots of questions...tough to get them all out at a few dinners.

Wants to know why he has certain ways of doing things...entirely unlike his brothers/sisters/"Dad"....oddly enough LOL...except that he's thin, handsome and has all his hair, with his mannerisms....he's the spitting image.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: I've typed this thing 3 times... - 4/26/2013 3:21:50 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Be yourself.

Why do you feel the need to change?


Well, I've been wearing the same underwear since November.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 20
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