RE: Submission granted

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Missokyst -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 8:39:44 AM)
I can kind of understand the simplistic style. I am in computer repair. This has nothing to do with any of my 5 majors. I would go so far to say that when I began doing this I was less than competent about computers. My former dominant taught me in a way that made me understand the mechanics, but he never talked to me as if I was deficient in knowlege. I embraced that about him and took it on myself to learn about software on my own. I appreciate it when people value my ability to learn. Regarding your next senario, [;)] I think that is a pretty common trait among dominants. Having had no sort of discipline as a child, I find that lowered voice, no nonsense approach is pretty hot. quote: ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr I might simplify my answer because she's just starting out learning about music (she's having trouble with 3/4 time at the moment). By "simplify", I do mean that I might take it down to a level that an 8 year old might understand because in that particular case, she knows almost nothing and I want to bring her along without losing her from the onset. The other evening, my lady did one of these things. I lowered my voice (volume and tone) and I calmly but quite definitely said: "Please don't ever do that again". No sugar-coating. No question about it. No further discussion (other than her, apologizing, when she realized that she had crossed a line). I believe that there are certain things that each of us will not tolerate in relationships. I was just making it clear that that activity was not appreciated and would never be tolerated, again.

OsideGirl -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 8:43:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst apparently having my ancestors living in California since before it became a state was not acceptable. Of course my mother-in-law was polish, german and irish so it is kinda hard to be whiter than that Don't kid yerself. I'm a Viking. I tease Master that he looks like a Viking...with the red hair and blue eyes too. He's Scotch Irish on his mother's side....so entirely possible. As for the OP, the only people that I have had attempt to treat me as less or talk down to me were people that I was not (and chose not to be) involved with. Several have gotten a surprise when I called them on their rudeness...publicly and loudly enough to be heard by those around me.

tsatske -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 9:33:06 AM)
quote: I have zero interest in getting chummy with anyone who feels I am something less. Getting intimate is right out. This is how I feel. I have, by happenstance or by hat turns my key, one or the other, mostly had relationships and dominants who are smarter than me - but most of them in the past have felt I was smarter than them. I was never made to feel less than, and I wouldn't put up with it. Well, I wouldn't put up with the attempt (outside of a time limited humilation scene), I don't think it is actully pssible to make me feel less than, my self-esteem is pretty high. My second husband tried, and now he's not my husband anymore. We had an ongoing aruement about a math problem we dsagreed about - stupid thing to argu about, but he would get mad at me and start in on tht again, call me stuid because I saw it diffeantly than he did. I would just laug, which would not difuse the situation, LOL. I left the first time he hit me. (not in a scene. He didn't actually scene or have sex. He liked it online, but not in rea life)

LanceHughes -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 9:59:41 AM)
I'm working with a total novice as to BDSM sex and Master/slave relationships. S.i.T. = Slave in Training. He very much likes his "protective" collar when we go to a BDSM event. He has been instructed that any speaking to him (question, command, request or even shoot-the-breeze) is to be answered as, "Sir, (if appropriate) please speak to Lance first." He says that makes him feel "safe." What has happened is that people apologize, etc., as other have indicated above. edited to let everyone know that "shot" does NOT equal "shoot."

MasterCaneman -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 10:06:58 AM)
I always tried to keep it as simple as possible for me and my partner. Since I wasn't a 24/7 player, it was Master or Sir in the bedroom/scene, but in the vanilla world she could call me by my given name. The reverse was always true. The people in the circle I travelled with understood and respected this, and honestly, I and my various partners never had an issue regarding this.

DesFIP -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 10:19:12 AM)
It's not uncommon in vanilla relationships for guys to pick women who aren't a match for them. Most guys don't feel comfortable with smart women. I imagine it's the same thing you're seeing here. By making someone else feel smaller, they make themselves feel bigger. To me, that just identifies them as an asshat.

Hillwilliam -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 10:24:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kookycreature quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder There are times when he talks down to me like I don't understand because well.....I don't. Is it common? I dunno. I guess a little it is. The ex-Dom never talked down to me. He was too busy with his video games to talk to me about much of anything really. I don't really mind when Master does it. There are times when I deserve it. There are times when he does it on purpose to remind me I'm not the one who makes the decisions. I'm not the one in control. And for me, I kinda like knowing I don't and I also like the feeling of him being more superior than I am. As for in general as to where the idea for this thread originated, yeah, it does seem common. I get those types of emails more often than not. littlewonder pretty much summed up up what I was going to put, to be honest. I'm polite to other dominants', but it is Master's wish that I call only him 'Master'. To be rather blunt, I'm rather uncomfortable when a sub who is unknown to me calls me "Master". I'm not A master, much less hers. Sir is ok. Hell, I'm over 50 and in the south so it happens a lot. Even nilla folks commonly call me "Sir" if they're younger or in a service business (waiter, clerk, beertender, etc). As for another person's sub. We're pretty low key in our local groups. Everyone else is an equal.

kalikshama -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 10:43:34 AM)
quote: Is it really that common to have ones dominant partner treat you as if you were a lesser person? Or talk down to you as if you cannot understand? In what ways do you express submission? He's occasionally said "I forbid it" which I either think is hot or laughable, depending. (We're on our way to reaching consensus over the later.) We each have our areas of expertise and explain rather than talk down.

Missokyst -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 11:55:52 AM)
lol actually this is one of the things that bothered me about becoming older, being called "maam" shudders... until I realized that I always call waitstaff or people I do not know, maam or sir. quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam Sir is ok. Hell, I'm over 50 and in the south so it happens a lot. Even nilla folks commonly call me "Sir" if they're younger or in a service business (waiter, clerk, beertender, etc).

Missokyst -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 11:59:38 AM)
Sadly this is true all too often. I dated a man when I was much younger who got me to rethink my style of speech. "Not so uppity" as he would say, since his friends regarded me as thinking I was above them (I didn't I was just shy). I learned to be less precise and much more loose in my delivery in order to fit in. The odd thing about that was that I learned to be precise at a very young age to adapt to a new environment. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP It's not uncommon in vanilla relationships for guys to pick women who aren't a match for them. Most guys don't feel comfortable with smart women. I imagine it's the same thing you're seeing here. By making someone else feel smaller, they make themselves feel bigger. To me, that just identifies them as an asshat.

kalikshama -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 12:01:52 PM)
I've been told I'd have more success if I "dumbed it down" but am glad I held out for someone who appreciates my brain. ETA - not criticizing your strategy, just free associating :)

Missokyst -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 12:05:38 PM)
Having someone who appreciates you as you are is invaluable. I have chosen to be alone rather than walk down that road again

Kana -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 1:17:19 PM)
Chortles I don't talk down to anyone, but I mock almost everyone. Not even kinda shitting here...unless I'm mocking ya'll :-)

OsideGirl -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 1:54:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama I've been told I'd have more success if I "dumbed it down" but am glad I held out for someone who appreciates my brain. ETA - not criticizing your strategy, just free associating :) I had been told the same thing when I was single. Luckily, I'm married to a man that loves how my brain works.

Focus50 -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 3:20:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst Having someone who appreciates you as you are is invaluable. I have chosen to be alone rather than walk down that road again There's another thread, right there...! lol A few years back and after a few weeks of getting to know each other via emails then phone, a r/l meet was arranged. In a conversation leading up to that day, I mentioned that I want my girl's hair long, preferably mid back but at least past the shoulders. And the avalanche began.... Apparently I should accept and appreciate a grown woman for who she is. She liked her hair short and me not approving of her personal choice equated to me not approving of her as a person.... So somewhere there's a line between the cosmetic (hair, for examp) and the core inner being (you being all "uppity"... lol). Yep, no r/l meet - or anything else again. lol Focus.

NuevaVida -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 5:57:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst A thought taken from the Ask a Master thread. I have often heard this expressed in other ways by both doms and subs alike It has always been my understanding and practice that everyone should be spoken to as a peer unless their are wearing your collar, or vice-versa. No one has the right to talk down to you until you have granted them the gift of your submission. Not to pick on anyone but I have heard this expressed many times. Maybe I have done this wrong from the get, but I have not had any of men in my life talk down to me, other than my husband (probably why I chose never to remarry). Is it really that common to have ones dominant partner treat you as if you were a lesser person? Or talk down to you as if you cannot understand? In what ways do you express submission? If you are dominant do you actively promote being superior? How? The Mister does not talk down to me. He's not better than me, he's the authority over me. If he looked down on me or thought I was less than him, we wouldn't be together. I spent a lot of effort coming to think of myself as I do - I'm not going to unravel that work for anyone. Where our dialogue changed as our relationship and dynamic developed is that I defer to him now, and I didn't before we were together. If I'm talking and he starts talking, I stop and I listen. I follow his orders now, and wouldn't have before (nor did he tell me what to do before). So basically our interaction changed, once our relationship evolved to where I was submitting to him. And there wasn't some magical day in which he was presented with my "gift" - it was a slow evolution.

littlewonder -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 6:09:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Chortles I don't talk down to anyone, but I mock almost everyone. Not even kinda shitting here...unless I'm mocking ya'll :-) Believe me he's not. <as she is reminded of his mocking of her Pennsylvania Dutch accent and idioms [>:] >

Missokyst -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 6:18:58 PM)
Yes there is a definite line. I am an intelligent, creative, logical and crafty. Those are the things that make me, me. I have been thin, heavy, thin, curvy, with short hair and long hair, REVLON and I are long time friends so hair color is no issue. Those things are just cosmetic changes and are not me, they are just the skin I wear. I have changed those cosmetic things on a whim or on an order. But, change the core of who I am? Not worth losing a part of me to someone who has no need of it. It took me YEARS to regain the confidence I lost from not being good enough, even though good enough meant dumbing down. As far as cosmetic issues go, I guess we all have preferences. I have dated shorter men than what used to be my preference in my younger days. But, I still will not date a man with a scraggly beard. That is a hard limit my eyes won't let me cross. lol knowing me, my brain would probably make me blind. quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 I mentioned that I want my girl's hair long, preferably mid back but at least past the shoulders. And the avalanche began.... Apparently I should accept and appreciate a grown woman for who she is. She liked her hair short and me not approving of her personal choice equated to me not approving of her as a person.... Focus.[/font][/size][/color]

njlauren -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 6:53:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I agree for my part, if I were seeking and someone approached me as if I were lesser, they would not be a good match for me. My question was more aimed toward people who are in relationships. It is pretty common among people I have known to seek out someone they consider, better off, better read, more successful than they are in order to feel... I am not sure.. maybe protected? It is not something I have ever sought out for myself but I have observed it in many others. I could not do the humiliation. Had enough of that feeling when I was married and constantly reminded I was not "white" quote: ORIGINAL: njlauren As far as being something less, if I was looking for a D and someone treated me as inferior, unequal, etc, they would see my ass moving off pretty quickly. I guess my idea of submission is to find someone who respects me enough to want me to submit to them and appreciates my turning control over to them as much as I appreciate them allowing me to do that. The whole lowly worm, derided, humiliated sub does nothing for me, and humiliation to me would abrogate the contract as a breach of our agreement, since humiliation is a source of real pain to me. I have known subs/slaves who wanted that, someone to take care of them, etc..it didn't work like that in our relationship in that way, I am the sole breadwinner for the family, a rarity these days, and I am a strong person in my own right, I don't need protection in that way. On the other hand, my Lady/spouse is protective of me in other ways, there are things where i am vulnerable, areas where I can be, where she strengthens me and helps protect me..and likewise I may be sub, but I provide a lot of security and protection for her, and gladly do so. In our case it is a bit different since the D/s stuff came after we had been together a long time, and ours was a romantic relationship long before the D/s. I think the answer is prob it is different for everyone.....I think there are subs who look for someone to serve as the all knowing/powerful dominant/liege kind of thing, there are also a lot of very strong people who aren't looking for protection and may be looking to protect their D..and some, like my case, have relationships where we both get things out of it, things where we protect or give things to each other that boosts us.

theshytype -> RE: Submission granted (4/29/2013 7:44:58 PM)
I've been accused of being prissy on more than one occasion. I'm shy as well. I was raised with a straight posture and manners (sometimes it honestly sickens me how many times I hear 'thank you' come out of my mouth). I almost run on the 'don't speak unless spoken to' rule. Even as an adult. Although, I don't think I was raised on that so I'm not sure how that came to be. I will not change who I am, nor will I dumb it down for anyone. Being shy, it requires a lot of energy to speak up. So if I do, and I'm treated as though I'm inferior or unimportant, that'd kill me inside. I do prefer to be in relationship where I feel he is a little more superior than I am. Not how he acts or treats me, definitely not, but I'd rather he made more money. I'd rather he be taller and more intelligent. Any less and I'd somehow feel more superior in the relationship.

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