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njlauren -> RE: What actions , if any, should I take? (5/4/2013 12:07:29 PM)
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My advice would be to stay out of it, Steven. I think your motives are probably good, I don't buy this is about jealousy, I have read a lot of your other posts and they seem very level headed. Some of the posts on here bother me, they smack me too much of a mentality I have seen other places, that what goes on in our community stays in our community, we should circle the wagons and such, and I find that a problem. There were troubles with that in the gay leather community many,many years ago, where there were bad tops who basically were raping and abusing people, and the attitude was that no one had the right to handle it (It was, some of the first gay leather groups kind of took matters into their own hands, and they would publicize lists of names of 'bad tops' to try and warn people, it had gotten that bad).
I am troubled, though, that these accusations are on fetlife yet nothing was done about it. If this guy is stepping over the line, if he is raping women, then a post on fetlife isn't enough, someone needed to follow through with the women in question, if they really thought they had been raped then they should be working with someone to file formal charges. The duty I am afraid lies with them, because only they know what is going on. The guy could be guilty of nothing more then breaching boundaries he shouldn't, where he thought he had consent and didn't, it can get confused, we don't know. If you are really concerned, Steven, I would work with your sub to find out if there is a way to get the women who claim rape to file formal charges, the last thing the community needs is someone running around masking rape with BD/SM. It is hard to get people to file, the cops and DA's either are on one side, where you can't consent to anything, or on the other hand, they seem to be "oh, you are one of those freaks, you got what you were looking for", and both are bad. If you can get multiple ones to corroborate what the guy is doing, that would genuinely protect both other women and the community as well. Acting on claims on fetlife, while with good intentions, is all over the place.
I think the woman who runs those parties, while she might think she is doing the right thing by making the statement about the guy, isn't all the bright when it comes to real world issues,either. There is a difference between reality and perceptions, and by saying what she did, basically this guy is my friend and he is going, and you don't like it, don't go, she is telling others "I don't care about what you think, I don't care about your concerns, he is still going". The perception there is there potentially could be something going on here and that she is ignoring it; it may be her right as she is the one running the party, but she also runs the risk that people will get so disgusted thinking she is covering up for him, that it will die...it is hard with allegations like this, but for example, if someone is accused of abusing children and is in a position where children are around, you don't sit there and say "okay, we'll wait until there is proof until we do something", they will suspend someone, take them out of the way of being with children, until they can investigate and figure out if there is fire there (it is something the church couldn't quite figure out, even now). She might have been better served by telling her friend to cool it until things could be worked out; I admire someone for standing up for a friend, but unless she is absolutely certain nothing happened with him, she is putting herself in for a lot of problems by doing what she did, and he is even less of a friend, for not knowing the position he is putting her in by not voluntarily backing off.
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