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LafayetteLady -> RE: What actions , if any, should I take? (5/5/2013 6:24:26 AM)
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Rape is a horrible crime and no one deserves it. That is first and foremost.
So what to do with someone new charmed by someone who might not be great? First of all, make sure they realize that playing on a first date is a bad idea. As someone who is new, they don't yet have the tools or knowledge to make informed decisions. I get the concept of "sub frenzy" but I don't believe that should be an excuse for irresponsible behavior.
I don't know what happened in the situation here. I also don't get involved in public play, so often it can be difficult to understand why people throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet in these things.
What I do know from being on here for about 8 years in one incarnation, and reading various articles regarding date rape is the media and some groups have really muddied the waters where defining rape is concerned. Hence we have college girls trying to absolve themselves of responsibility for getting black out drunk and having sex by crying rape when they wake up the next day and realize they behaved badly. I have seen many women on this site say they were raped, yet when they describe the events, it is clear that while they may have been manipulated, they weren't raped. They simply involved themselves in situations where they shouldn't. They were new, and use the "I didn't realize I could say no" or "he told me this was how it worked," going on to say that it was only later, when they learned a bit more about BDSM that they realized they were raped.
So simply *thinking* that this isn't what you agreed to, or that this isn't what you *thought* was going to happen, doesn't mean you were raped. Does it mean that the top in question behaved in a completely appropriate manner? Not necessarily. But it does mean that you can't claim you were raped. Every time a woman has sexual conduct that after the fact she realizes she didn't enjoy, or many didn't even want, it doesn't mean it translates to rape.
So what do you do? You better inform new people of safe play practices. You make sure they understand that they ALWAYS have the right to withdraw consent and expect that withdrawal to be respected. You make sure that they know they need to clearly withdraw that consent with more than a simple "no," in BDSM settings, since often "no" can be considered part of the scene. You make sure they understand that tops who tell them safe words are for sissies or not needed are not people they should play with. Finally, you make sure they know that if they ignore all of these safety precautions, they are putting themselves in situations where things can very likely not turn out how they want, but they are not necessarily in a position to call rape afterwards.
You don't bad mouth other tops based on rumors and innuendo when you have no facts. Sadly, you can't simply take a woman's word for things in BDSM situations because far too often, they seem to not understand that silently engaging in behavior they don't want is not withdrawing consent.
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