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Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 1:09:48 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
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Ok, somebody was saying that it is easy to "overlook" subs who are EXTREMELY submissive because...nobody notices us (I was making the point that I had to approach him & he had no clue I existed!). I then remembered an online quiz thing I once did on "how likely you are to attract the attention of the opposite sex"... I received "you play too close to the vest & no man will ever approach you because they never will know if you are receptive." It then gave suggestions on catching the man's eye & how long to hold & when to do it again...I dismissed it at that time...but now wondering if that is why I have always been the "wallflower". So...do other subs/slaves have similar problems in meeting men (vanilla or kinky)? Do you get overlooked for the ones willing to be more aggressive in their pursuit?

Post #: 1

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 1:26:47 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

I always find that I attract the most attention from people when I am the least receptive to it. There is that common assumption that when you stop looking is the only time you find someone and I have to be honest that really has always been the case for me. I do however know people who never see the signs that people are interested in them even though they are utterly beautiful and men all but climb over other people to get to them.

_____________________________

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(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 2

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 2:51:21 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

I think it may be possible to be too submissive...to some. But, from what you are describing it sounds more like an issue of being too shy. To me, those are two different things.
I am extremely shy. It's horrible. But, I have ways to (comfortably) work around it.
Simple gestures, like a quick look and a half-cocked smile, goes a long way. I realize that my shyness tends to make me appear unapproachable and snooty so I do my best to show otherwise.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 3

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 2:56:17 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Ok, somebody was saying that it is easy to "overlook" subs who are EXTREMELY submissive because...nobody notices us (I was making the point that I had to approach him & he had no clue I existed!). I then remembered an online quiz thing I once did on "how likely you are to attract the attention of the opposite sex"... I received "you play too close to the vest & no man will ever approach you because they never will know if you are receptive." It then gave suggestions on catching the man's eye & how long to hold & when to do it again...I dismissed it at that time...but now wondering if that is why I have always been the "wallflower". So...do other subs/slaves have similar problems in meeting men (vanilla or kinky)? Do you get overlooked for the ones willing to be more aggressive in their pursuit?

Then you need to stop listening to this "somebody"...!

Beyond BDSM type gatherings (munches etc) or online profiles, there is no r/l means of identifying a submissive except by how they react to a Dominant personality. And a single trait (difficulty holding eye contact, eg) is no guarantee, either, but my interest would certainly be piqued to a point of throwing a few light-hearted commands at her..., to see....

Mind you, eyes are a good indicator in general; there's something about the eyes of every sub I've known, and I look for it in the everyday.

But overlooking someone being "EXTREMELY submissive" - she'd hafta be a real frog!

Hmmmm, women I don't know to have actually identified as 'submissive' but have certainly given off the right vibes to focus my antennae.... (talking television here)

Rita from "Dexter". I was so disgusted when they killed her off, I couldn't be bothered with the rest of the series.... lol

Claire Forlani, who played Brad Pitt's love interest in "Meet Joe Black". To my D eyes, she absolutely dripped "submissive" there.

A pair of good sorts, too - no frogs here....

And I'd wondered about the late Princess Di. A lot of false airs and graces in that world, but still, those eyes, those damned interesting eyes....

Focus.

_____________________________

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(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 4

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 3:33:32 PM

Dombutsane

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline

As you were primarily seeking a subs point of view, I may be answering out of turn as a Dom, but I think the most important thing is to be who you are. If you are an ultra submissive woman, then be that, project that. It's the best way to attract those who are interested in who and what you are. That being said, I agree with "theshytype" that a little effort into doing something subtle enough that it's consistent with your personality but overt enough to be noticed and read, goes a very long way to preventing you from being overlooked. Maybe a bit of effort into placing yourself in surroundings that foster easier and more casual interaction would help as well. Say, a quaint dim pub vs a dark loud nightclub. Attire helps as well. If a woman is quiet and sitting in a corner, yet clearly dressed to attract eyes, there shouldn't be much confusion.

Will aggressive women get paired up sooner in a given situation than the quieter submissive women like yourself? Yes, probably, because finding the submissive "wallflower" through the crowd may take a bit more time. But remember that those men paired with the aggressive women early on are probably either men who prefer aggressive women or are sub to them and so you haven't really missed out on anyone who's right for you, have you? I think it's two sided. Given your nature, the right men for you will need to put in a bit more effort to find you and you won't want someone who isn't willing to. But ask a trusted friend how you project in these situations, because we often appear differently to others than we think. Make a bit of effort to be certain you have approachable, receptive body language and try to give a shy signal when one of the right men finds you, so they know not to pass by. Don't change who you are, just tweak how you show who you are. And be patient.

Good luck

< Message edited by Dombutsane -- 5/6/2013 3:47:02 PM >

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 5

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 3:48:28 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

I think this makes sense; paraphrasing, act like yourself and you will attract people who are right for you. A friend recently suggested that I post some erotic photos on my profile because my profile is too tame to attract much attention. Although I'm still thinking it through, my feeling is that doing something out of character would only attract people who would not be a match for me. OP, people like us who are less "flamboyant" might have to wait longer, but hopefully the wait will bring the right man to us.

_____________________________

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~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Dombutsane)

Post #: 6

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 3:51:25 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I'm guessing you are having issues at munches.

Perhaps you need to do your looking online - at least to begin with. Its easier to talk to people online than in person - and screen out the people that don't interest you. From there you can arrange a meet-an-greet - where you are the only one talking to your prospect.
Also, don't limit yourself to bdsm sites. I met my Sweetie through an alternate site - adultfriendfinder.com. I posted a profile emphasising my submission, and got replies from men who were dominant. For that matter, match.com can also be a good place to post a profile that emphasises your submissive qualities without being overtly specific.

You aren't limited to meeting people face to face - nowdays the internet is a great resource.

Good luck with your search.

(in reply to Dombutsane)

Post #: 7

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 5:39:57 PM

CharmingKitty

Posts: 103
Joined: 6/2/2012
Status: offline

Some people are insecure and some are confident, just as some are dominant and some are submissive. Insecure people are unlikely to get what they want, sub or dom.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 8

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 5:41:28 PM

ameekkat

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

I understand what you are saying as I tend to be the same... and there are times that I wonder about myself, am I attractive enough, is there something wrong with me... but I was told by a friend that I am attractive and nothing is wrong with me and when the time is right I will find the one that is my partner, best friend and Dominant....

good luck

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 9

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 7:01:35 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingKitty

Some people are insecure and some are confident, just as some are dominant and some are submissive. Insecure people are unlikely to get what they want, sub or dom.

Shy does not automatically equal insecure.

(in reply to CharmingKitty)

Post #: 10

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 7:09:31 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm one of those too submissive to be noticed type of people and I like it that way. I use it as much as I possibly can since I hate attention, I hate being in the forefront. I like being able to disappear and no one notice me.

However, when I've been very interested in a man, I never had any problems gaining his attention. All it normally took was a little black dress, a pair of heels, some makeup and some coy eyes glancing his way with a small smile. Once that happened, it never failed to attract them. If it didn't attract him, then I just assumed he was not the dominant, aggressive type and he didn't find me attractive so I'd shrug my shoulders and move onto the next hot guy.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 5/6/2013 7:11:11 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 9:00:14 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

I think it is possible to be too submissive.The key word for me is being "assertive",not aggressive.I am mostly submissive but there are times in the "real world",where that may not always be a good place.Like the old saying goes,"theres a time and place for everything".

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(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 9:07:59 PM

littleclip

Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline

you will find what you seek there has to be some assertiveness otherwise you will always be a walflower or what some call a doormat. as a service orientated slave i find voulenteering helps alot as going to munches and other meet and greets this helps break the ice and will help get you noticed and notice others as well

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Post #: 13

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/6/2013 9:27:00 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I am positive that if anyone notices me on the street or anywhere in public, the very last thing they would think, is that I am submissive.

In fact, the very few times I ever went to public lifestyle events, everyone thought I was a Domme.

As far as attracting men? I am not sure being submissive or not has anything to do with that. I always end up with people who pursued me.

I used to be the best flirt; nowadays, I never meet anyone who I think I want to flirt with; that is a much bigger issue!!

(in reply to littleclip)

Post #: 14

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 8:04:27 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

I guess I was a little confusing. What I meant is that I tend to be very agreeable, go along with things...because I never cause waves, I feel I get overlooked. It seems that most people remember the opinionated, the argumentative types. I have noticed that in the vanilla world online dating world, this is not considered a "good" thing. Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 15

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 8:10:41 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
Ok, somebody was saying that it is easy to "overlook" subs who are EXTREMELY submissive because...nobody notices us

Overlook??? Are you serious? By "overlook", do
you mean "undress with my eyes" if so then yes.

But yes, having a few tricks for showing your
receptive to attention is probably a good idea!

quote:

Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

Who says that? They are crazy people don't
listen to them. It sounds like something out of
the twilight zone to me!

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 5/7/2013 8:16:38 AM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 16

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 8:43:47 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

I can see how that would be difficult on vanilla dating sites. Honestly, to me, it seems like some men just don't want to put forth any effort and almost view online dating as a vending machine.
I definitely say be yourself! Those men are most likely not a good fit for you and any relationship where you can't be true to yourself just isn't worth it, IMO. If you're making an effort, I don't see anything you need to do to change.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 17

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 8:45:52 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I guess I was a little confusing. What I meant is that I tend to be very agreeable, go along with things...because I never cause waves, I feel I get overlooked. It seems that most people remember the opinionated, the argumentative types. I have noticed that in the vanilla world online dating world, this is not considered a "good" thing. Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

Sorry, I am still confused. Are you saying you are too submissive for the vanilla dating world?

Are you looking for someone vanilla?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 18

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 12:57:03 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't think this is just a vanilla thing.
There are not too many people who want to make ALL the decisions. Do you have no opinions of the type of food you like? Whether or not some restaurants are good or bad? Have you never scheduled an appointment, arranged a vacation, taken care of a child (taking charge)? Putting that much responsibility on another, vanilla or not, makes them solely responsible for your moods, well being, upkeep, is that really fair?

I know that some dominants are into TPE, but everyone should have some degree of personal responsibility. By adulthood one should have SOME opinions. If you feel you are overlooked by vanilla types because of your nature, it is because most people have lived a life with some degree of atonomy. If I were nilla and dating someone like this I would pass on a second or third date because it would be too much work. If I were dominant I might wonder what you have to offer if you have no imput to give me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I guess I was a little confusing. What I meant is that I tend to be very agreeable, go along with things...because I never cause waves, I feel I get overlooked. It seems that most people remember the opinionated, the argumentative types. I have noticed that in the vanilla world online dating world, this is not considered a "good" thing. Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 19

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 12:59:06 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

SexyRed...no I am looking for a dom but, many people here have suggested using OKC and POF so I am also on there looking (& before everyone yells..I am also in the community although I seem to be the youngest!!). The person who said I was easy to overlook in such a large place like CM/CC because I am too submissive is a Dom (& I accept this statement...I think he was trying to wiggle out of why he never noticed me and was trying to be..ummm...polite!) but it did make me wonder. Yes, I am very shy in person & that does not help. I guess it is just frustrating because everyone says "be yourself" & I accept that I am probably overlooked on the vanilla sites because no one is looking for submissive women there...It was just irritating to think I might be "too submissive" even for men who WANT submissive women....

Yeah, I know...more likely to find "love" when not looking & the ones who are not really interested in sub women would not not make me happy and just go out and have fun & someone will find me...(usually not the RIGHT ones though) and yada yada yada...

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 20

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