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RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 5:02:45 PM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

TMIK, take not the words of a stranger, or someone who is not important to you, too seriously. Am I correct in assuming he does not know you, your past and your present, your gifts, your values, your inviting soft and subtle charm?

To the person for whom you will be a perfect fit, it will be impossible for you to go unnoticed.

To the seasoned, wizened miner searching for that brilliant, little nugget of gold, the 45+ carat Hope Diamond might be ostentacious and serious overkill.

For some, less is more. Do NOT sell yourself short.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 5/7/2013 5:03:36 PM >

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 21

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 6:33:39 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I guess I was a little confusing. What I meant is that I tend to be very agreeable, go along with things...because I never cause waves, I feel I get overlooked. It seems that most people remember the opinionated, the argumentative types. I have noticed that in the vanilla world online dating world, this is not considered a "good" thing. Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

Been there. It's been both a hindrance and a help for me in situations throughout life. It has harmed my relationships and finding men because most wanted a woman who was more aggressive where I'm what my best friend used to call me...."a mouse in her pocket" meaning I would go along with her no matter where we were going, I was agreeable, would agree to just about anything. Nothing is all that important enough to me to NOT be agreeable.

It's harmed my employment because they didn't want a woman who did not boss others around, step up and take charge. That's just not me and I am not comfortable in that type of situation. Thankfully in my new job, my boss sees that and he's ok with it even though there are times he is trying to get me out of my comfort zone which he knows I don't like.

Thankfully Master wanted a woman like me but even now, I still worry from time to time that he is going to get bored with me because I'm too agreeable most times. Like a lot of men, they are attracted to the take charge of businesswoman with the stilettos and business suit. That's not me at all except maybe the business suit.

So over time I had to learn how to at least play the coy, shy girl, just enough to get SOME attention but yet still be the person I am and not having to actually do the initiating beyond the little bit of eye flirting.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 22

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 7:28:25 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

SexyRed...no I am looking for a dom but, many people here have suggested using OKC and POF so I am also on there looking (& before everyone yells..I am also in the community although I seem to be the youngest!!). The person who said I was easy to overlook in such a large place like CM/CC because I am too submissive is a Dom (& I accept this statement...I think he was trying to wiggle out of why he never noticed me and was trying to be..ummm...polite!) but it did make me wonder. Yes, I am very shy in person & that does not help. I guess it is just frustrating because everyone says "be yourself" & I accept that I am probably overlooked on the vanilla sites because no one is looking for submissive women there...It was just irritating to think I might be "too submissive" even for men who WANT submissive women....

Yeah, I know...more likely to find "love" when not looking & the ones who are not really interested in sub women would not not make me happy and just go out and have fun & someone will find me...(usually not the RIGHT ones though) and yada yada yada...

Ok, now I get it. Thanks for clarifying. I am also on the vanilla dating sites, because you never know (my last D/s relationship was with a vanilla guy who turned...)

First off, don't let other people dictate who you should be or how you should act or even rent any space in your head. Who cares what this guy things, really?

As for how to be, how submissive, how not submissive, etc.

There is nothing you can be, but how you are. Simple.

Someone, hopefully, will find you, and me, and everyone else who is looking and be happy with how we are. I would rather be alone than be with someone who wanted to change me or wanted something different than who I am.

Just be the best you, that you can be and screw everyone else.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 23

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 9:12:04 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Little Wonder seems to have the best grasp of what I mean. I know that to be involved with me IS a lot of work & I usually feel guilty about that. I think I am coming to terms with some truths about myself (I started out thinking I was a switch then, kind of realized that I really had NO interest in dominating someone else...I just always thought I SHOULD want to..So I thought I was a sub then the deeper I looked I saw the slave tendencies...I am now realizing that...yeah...I am not just really slavelike but truly a slave ).

Even while I have had this internal struggle..I have, ironically enough, started seeing someone who thinks that finding a 100% obedient submissive woman is a gift from above

and despite what we all say to the contrary....I found him here on the chat side!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 24

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/7/2013 10:46:04 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Oh, well congratulations then.

Not sure why you posted your difficulty in meeting men if you are seeing someone, but best of luck.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 25

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 2:54:20 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Sorry about the confusion. I just started seeing someone (as in..don't want to jinx it!).

The original question kind of came from something I have always wondered about but was never able to put my finger on -- the typical "why can't I meet someone" thing. When the statement was made to me about being too submissive, it got me thinking as to whether this had been a "vibe" I was giving off for years without realizing it... Basically, I was trying to connect some dots.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 26

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 7:09:08 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

No problem. I always ask why I can't meet anyone I like but I never think it has to do with my being submissive!

I just think it is very difficult to connect with someone on all the levels you need to be connected on.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 27

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 8:27:10 AM

graceadieu

Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I guess I was a little confusing. What I meant is that I tend to be very agreeable, go along with things...because I never cause waves, I feel I get overlooked. It seems that most people remember the opinionated, the argumentative types. I have noticed that in the vanilla world online dating world, this is not considered a "good" thing. Most of the men make a point of mentioning that they don't want "agreeable" or that they expect you to choose the restaurants, make the plans, take charge... I guess what irks me is"being me" is not what is considered desirable by the majority of the male population....

Yeah, it is tough being submissive sometime, when you're trying to date. Most vanilla guys want a vanilla woman and just aren't going to be able to meet your needs (and vice-versa). But dominant guys who want a 24/7 D/s relationship will appreciate that, because it's what they need.

Try to think of it this way, if it helps - those guys that post that they want a take-charge woman, they're doing you a favor, because it helps you weed out the non-compatible guys.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 28

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 12:34:11 PM

alildifferent

Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline

I'll answer with a truism. You'll have to figure out how much it applies to you. "Too much of anything isn't good for a person". I can see where being too shy could hurt someone or too submissive. But only you can tell if it's true. Since you seem to be in grey territory and unsure have you ever thought about trying something different? Try being less of a wallflower or a little less submissive.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 29

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 2:16:52 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Yes..I tried and have always then ended up with submissive men!!!

I JUST started seeing someone so I am hoping that I have found the "lid to my pot". Since I found him here on the boards, I am keeping my fingers crossed that he already knows how I am. It was ironic that I had my "ah hah" moment probably the day BEFORE we agreed to meet face to face finally. Hearing everyone's thoughts though was very helpful...

(in reply to alildifferent)

Post #: 30

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 4:07:19 PM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

CONGRATS TMK....I hope it works out for the two of you. Just be you and enjoy being so....life is way to short not to.

kar

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 31

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/8/2013 6:20:19 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm glad to hear you may have met a potential. I came to the realization many years ago that anytime I dated "doms" and they said they wanted a slave, what they meant was they wanted a sub. They still wanted me to give consent all the time, to make choices, to not be so submissive, for me to have some kind of kinky, wild streak in me. I don't have any of that in me. I came to realize that what I needed was a dominant personality man who wanted a slave and loved my being a slave because it made our lives easier for us both. Thankfully Master is all of that and a bag of chips.

Good luck and I hope we get to hear more in the near future.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)

Post #: 32

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/9/2013 10:27:55 PM

alildifferent

Posts: 38
Joined: 9/30/2012
Status: offline

Glad you've experimented with different levels of submissiveness TMK. Sorry it didn't work out and you came up with confused submissives. I hate that myself.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 33

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 2:05:00 AM

garyFLR

Posts: 4030
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingKitty

Some people are insecure and some are confident, just as some are dominant and some are submissive. Insecure people are unlikely to get what they want, sub or dom.

Yes, insecurity & confidence has nothing to do with dominance & submission. I can be fairly pro active in my work/social life, but, I'm pretty clueless in relationship matters. If anyone shows an interest in me, I tend to go to pieces, or miss the signs completely! I've probably missed out on a lot of happiness in the past, but, I digress.

Being submissive does not equate to being a 'doormat', how many dominants truly want a doormat anyway? Perhaps having the confidence to attract the partner you want is something you can build up, being a submissive does not preclude having a vibrant personality

, which I'm sure you have. Perhaps, like me, you suffer from shyness, I'm brave enough behind a computer screen

. Try smiling more often, a smile goes a long way, you can be noticed without being aggressive about it.

Good luck, Gary.

(in reply to CharmingKitty)

Post #: 34

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 9:24:56 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I am probably overlooked on the vanilla sites because no one is looking for submissive women there...It was just irritating to think I might be "too submissive" even for men who WANT submissive women....

I've met some really talented sadists here on CM but met more relationship-minded men on OKCupid, which is VERY kink friendly. Kinky men just love that I put kink insider keywords in my profile. I also answered a lot of BDSM themed tests and questions. My man met me on OKC and had concerns about my stated earthy crunchiness, but since I'd answered all those kinky questions, all the comparison women came up as "less kinky" which was a real positive, lol.

Here's a shortcut to kinky questions via someone else's thread on FL:

Making your OKCupid Matchmaking search more fetish friendly!

Fetlife is a great way to find friends who can openly share the same kinks. But it's sometimes hard to tell if we have compatible personalities.

OkCupid is a great way to find friends with compatible personalities, but they've seriously crippled their matchmaking question search, so it's hard to find friends with compatible kinks and fetishes.

I've created this page out of a desire to marry the two!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/FetlifeOKC/questions…

Remember, you can always answer these questions privately, so the general public can't see your interests, but more fetish-compatible people will show up on your search!

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 35

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 1:19:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype
Shy does not automatically equal insecure.

Considering social anxiety is a treatable mood disorder, I'd emphasize this. You can be absolutely sure of your strengths and still shy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 36

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 2:03:19 PM

TeaseAndSpankMe

Posts: 25
Joined: 4/14/2013
From: St. Pete/Tampa Bay Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype
Shy does not automatically equal insecure.

Considering social anxiety is a treatable mood disorder, I'd emphasize this. You can be absolutely sure of your strengths and still shy.

quote:

I've met some really talented sadists here on CM but met more relationship-minded men on OKCupid, which is VERY kink friendly. Kinky men just love that I put kink insider keywords in my profile. I also answered a lot of BDSM themed tests and questions. My man met me on OKC and had concerns about my stated earthy crunchiness, but since I'd answered all those kinky questions, all the comparison women came up as "less kinky" which was a real positive, lol.

Here's a shortcut to kinky questions via someone else's thread on FL:

Making your OKCupid Matchmaking search more fetish friendly!

Fetlife is a great way to find friends who can openly share the same kinks. But it's sometimes hard to tell if we have compatible personalities.

OkCupid is a great way to find friends with compatible personalities, but they've seriously crippled their matchmaking question search, so it's hard to find friends with compatible kinks and fetishes.

I've created this page out of a desire to marry the two!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/FetlifeOKC/questions…

Remember, you can always answer these questions privately, so the general public can't see your interests, but more fetish-compatible people will show up on your search!

***THIS*** is brilliant! I know that most of the dating sites have algorithms in place...hmmm...now wondering if I should create a new OKcupid profile & ditch the one I have! I will say, for the record, that I met a guy via OKcupid (as a friend in the local area) & he did have a couple of keywords in his profile. Not completely obvious, but it was enough to peak my interest. I rated his profile 5 stars & he emailed me. Several months had passed & we lost touch, but then out of the blue he emailed me apologizing. Ironically, I had just created a profile on FetLife & stumbled upon his as both profiles had some similarities. I sent him an email via Fet & we ended up meeting for a drink before attending a local Munch. We still stay in touch.

Also, to the OP, I can totally relate to being shy. I also blush very, very easily & that can be quite embarrassing! For me, it depends on the vibe/energy where I'm at as to how shy I am...there's a local event coming up this weekend, but I probably won't go as I do not want to go alone.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 37

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 2:31:53 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

there's a local event coming up this weekend, but I probably won't go as I do not want to go alone.

If the event is on FetLife, how about reading the profiles of other sub females who RSVPd and asking if you can catch a ride or meet them there? (Or meet for coffee ahead of time and then see about catching a ride.)

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TeaseAndSpankMe)

Post #: 38

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/20/2013 10:06:16 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

How about being sooo shy/quiet/wallflower, but very much a dominant, though a passive one initially? Initially, I was approached as a submissive at small gatherings, because I was quiet (and inexperienced), but I let people know I wasn't interested in bottoming, or submitting, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 39

RE: Being Too Submissive? - 5/21/2013 8:22:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I know that to be involved with me IS a lot of work & I usually feel guilty about that.

Being involved with anyone is a lot of work. Relationships take work. If you don't do what they need, they don't last.

Doesn't matter if you're submissive, dominant or vanilla.

Guilt over it is not healthy. As long as you're painfully honest as to what the other person is getting into, there's nothing to feel guilty over. Any more than he should feel guilty because when you cook for him, you have to adapt to his food aversions. This is all part of what makes us human.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 40

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