RE: To Munch or not to Munch?

RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (Full Version)

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MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 12:25:35 AM)
It doesn't matter what is discussed at a munch, it's the fact that you're meeting people interested in the same thing as you, and establishing your presence to them as a real, live person. Simple as that.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 1:24:10 AM)
It can be good advice, but I agree it's not for everyone.

LadyPact -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 1:53:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 Thank you. A well written and thought out reply, and one that I can understand and accept. Though I do think the perception is skewed some. You attend and have attended Munches because you enjoyed them, correct? For whatever reason. Not to meet someone, correct? You just happened to meet someone in the course of your Munches. Which I don't disagree could happen, and would agree that long term it could be a place to find someone. But if someone's goal was to meet someone, not desiring new friends and with little desire or care for getting heavily involved into any local scene. And they go to Munches hoping or expecting to meet someone, wouldn't more often than not they end up disappointed? Heck even having a single match of what you seek attending a Munch is far from guaranteed ever. Like I said above, Munches have other uses and points, however meeting a partner isn't one of the main ones. Nor should it be. Though I agree sitting at home alone limits someone as going out always gives more opportunities. You are welcome and thank you for the pleasant conversation. No, I don't do anything in life with the purpose of "meeting someone". Do you honestly do something for fun with that as your ultimate goal? When you play baseball, is it with the purpose to find an intimate partner in the stands? If you volunteer at the local homeless shelter, is it with scoring chicks in mind? Was your incentive to joining your local book club to find eligible females? That's not living. That's waiting.

DarkSteven -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 2:30:13 AM)
There are numerous positives to munches. 1. It's a good first step for someone who is hiding behind a computer and afraid to join in. It doesn't have the same stress of meeting a prospective life partner for the first time, and you don;t have the shock of seeing naked bodies tied up and abused. 2. It weeds out people who have ruined their reputation so thoroughly that they won't meet with the kink community. 3. It lets you connect to the local grapevine. If someone later tells you he has ten years of experience, you'll be able to check that out quickly. 4. It weeds out game players, people who want to keep things online with no desire to actually meet. 5. In my experience, things move more quickly and easily once you meet people face to face. That said, I understand that they're not for everyone.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 2:46:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders More importantly though is that you get to see how other people are living it. This is especially important for people who come in with porn-inspired fantasies or very naive ideas about how things should work. To see a bunch of people with different relationships and tastes can dispel some myths and also offer some reassurance that what they want is ok. So ultimately even if they continue to search for their potential mate online, they may have clearer expectations of what they are looking for and how to communicate that. Understood. But then you assume that everyone asking for advice needs a lesson in such. No, not everyone, but I'm going to stick my neck out and say MOST people, when they are completely new to the concept of D/s or BDSM would benefit from seeing those relationships in action. I sure as hell would have benefited back when I was 18 and getting started. Now some of that benefit might come from reading non-fiction books, or making friends online etc... but a munch is a quick way to see a number of doms and sub and how they relate to each other. Some people might go along and say 'yes, this is exactly what I thought' - good for them. This isn't in any way saying all new people are clueless or lost in fantasy. If you'll excuse a clumsy analogy: I would recommend that someone who wants to teach spend some time in a school and getting to know some teachers before they start training so they have a real-world frame of reference and can decide if it's for them. It's a shame that people behaved poorly at munches you've been to. Unfortunately human beings sometimes behave badly wherever they are, so it's always a risk you take. I agree they're not for everyone but I don't think it's bad advice - many people will benefit, and at the worst it's an hour or two of awkward conversation if they don't like it.

ameekkat -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 3:46:28 AM)
I do attend the munches, with the understanding that I probably will not meet someone looking for a new partner as i am generally the only single...but as it has been mentioned before, I get to know the people and they are getting to know me and have said that if they ever meet someone that they think I will like, they will introduce them and knowing that I will be at the munch encourage them to attend. Also if using fetlife to announce the munch you can also get an approximate head count if you are the organizer, if you aren't you are able to see who is attending and who is thinking about it...

SoulAlloy -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 4:54:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself? For myself, 3 relationships from the munch, two play partners from events. Compare that to here, I've had one play partner and no relationships. But then I'm awkward and clumsy via messages and much better at face to face interaction. I haven't read through the whole thread so excuse any repetition. It's not always easy, and munches are not for everyone - in many ways I've been lucky. As regards new people, so far this year my munch has had a massive influx, around 5 new people every month, some people are blaming 50 shades... I've seen the same happening in other munches nearby too Each munch is slightly different, there are no two alike in my experience, different crowds, different atmosphere even a different format. If ever I get around to visiting the US I plan on looking up the local munch for an evening out! But the truth is when it comes to advice, we base it on our own experiences - for me, if you're looking for someone interested in what we do, go to a munch, get on the scene, mingle. At the very least you'll likely make some friends, increasing the chances that if you visit another munch or event they will be there too to help you feel comfortable. Not one for munches or events, I can't advise you on the best action, because they haven't worked well for me.

MsEloquence -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 6:47:28 AM)
A "well written article" won't provide real live people. Meeting real live human beings is the best way to meet real people who could be your partner. Even if no one at a social event fits your parameters, everyone at a social event knows other people. Now you are on their list of potential partners for their acquaintances. In answer to the original question, I didn't meet my partner at a munch.

ResidentSadist -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:08:23 AM)
quote: Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself? I had several relationships that came from meeting at munches and events. I did the math, 2/3 of the relationships (lasting a year or more) came from meeting in person at events, munches etc. But I go to events. I do not hesitate to drive 300 miles or more to attend Florida events. "If you don't mingle, you'll end up staying single."

lostnlooking9 -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:21:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact You are welcome and thank you for the pleasant conversation. No, I don't do anything in life with the purpose of "meeting someone". Do you honestly do something for fun with that as your ultimate goal? When you play baseball, is it with the purpose to find an intimate partner in the stands? If you volunteer at the local homeless shelter, is it with scoring chicks in mind? Was your incentive to joining your local book club to find eligible females? That's not living. That's waiting. No I do not. Just saying that, should someone not care about meeting others, or have little desire to, but instead just want some decent advice of and about looking for a partner, then suggesting a Munch wouldn't be the greatest answer. Like you said, a munch is for fun, not meeting someone. It's like going to a gym, or a book club, or the store, or work. You can meet someone anywhere. It doesn't mean it's a great suggestion to give for such though. Yes people met in and at munches are kink friendly, so it would be better than many places. But telling people a Munch is a good place to meet a partner would be deceptive I think. It's a good place to meet and get to know people, and over time you might meet a partner, you might not.

SimplyMichael -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:25:03 AM)
Well, its complicated. I think the bdsm scene is a reflection of society as a whole. Meaning for most people, its a decent way to get involved in your local community. If your local community rocks, they will have better than average munches. Many munches are run as semi private hareem by their "leaders" which actually works fine for a lot of newbies. For "ME" the chances, even in San Francisco with multiple munches every week of finding a quality partner at one is next to nill. I did meet a woman I lived with for many years at a munch but I was very active in,the scene and so attended the local ones constantly. So, to me, it IS a good place to point newbies, all things considered, its rather safe, one gets exposed to real people, often a good thing, and worst that can happen is the old fucks run a hot young dom of or a woman gets hit on a lot. Besides, what else can you recommend? Chatrooms? Certainly the personals side is 2/3 spammers!

lizi -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:34:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 No I do not. Just saying that, should someone not care about meeting others, or have little desire to, but instead just want some decent advice of and about looking for a partner, then suggesting a Munch wouldn't be the greatest answer. Like you said, a munch is for fun, not meeting someone. It's like going to a gym, or a book club, or the store, or work. You can meet someone anywhere. It doesn't mean it's a great suggestion to give for such though. Yes people met in and at munches are kink friendly, so it would be better than many places. But telling people a Munch is a good place to meet a partner would be deceptive I think. It's a good place to meet and get to know people, and over time you might meet a partner, you might not. I guess I'm not understanding something. Your premise on this thread is that meeting in person at a munch may be unproductive, and you seem to feel that giving the advice to go to a munch won't result in meeting a partner. What else is there then to tell people? If they are on this site then obviously they are trying online, what exactly is there to tell people besides being online or in person?

MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:40:24 AM)
You're not getting what people are trying to tell you. A munch is not designed as a vehicle for meeting a new partner. It is only to get yourself ingratiated into the local community, a first step of sorts. If you go to one hoping to make "the connection" you are sorely mistaken. I will be honest with you, I've only attended a couple, but I had no preconceived notions I was going to make a hook-up at them. Every partner I've had in the scene has come about from other avenues of social interaction. But that's me, not you. You have to find your own way, but being a known commodity in the local scene can be beneficial is all that's being said.

CelticKitten -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 8:42:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 To all, since it was brought up several times already... "Going to a munch so people can get a dose of non fantasy reality." This is an interesting point. But is it valid? Would a well written article online provide better info and enlightenment than going to some munches? Most munches I've attended, the conversation was on basic normal day to day conversation with some kink stuff throw in. Not often was behind the closed doors stuff discussed. Most people with a fantasy might understand that in public people need to act respectable, so attending a munch won't change their perspective that when everyone goes home they are stripping naked and being tied up and put in cages. unless by chance such was brought up or discussed during the munch. So how would the perceptions of someone who doesn't know any better change for any better when most munches don't address or bring up the issue of fantasies vs reality? Isn't it along the same lines as "is this truly a good place to meet someone" just instead " is this truly a good place to learn the difference between fantasy and reality? Yes I know that it could help, and that something is better than nothing, but isn't and wouldn't there be better things to suggest instead? Is it valid? Yes. A well written piece may provide better info and enlightment to a degree but meeting the people behind the names online gives it a sense of validity. They are real and not some joker. Ok so they may be some joker, you really don't know until you get to know that person....hence the munches. Some munches are just about day to day things but there are educational munches out there and they do give a dose of reality. Quite frankly if all you're doing is sitting on a computer or scouring through books and articles...you're not getting reality. You're getting a wealth of useful (usually) information but it doesn't compare to real, live people or events. Munches are just a starting point. It gives you the contact with people, person-to-person, and starts your networking off. Most people I've come across say read, do your research and then meet people who actually do the stuff you're interested in. It's good advice. Usually they tailor it to the person they are advising in a general way since we're not going to know you down to the tips of your toes just by talking online. If the person is into groups, they suggest munches and events. If they are not, they usually suggest a website like CM or Fet that put you in contact with people who are into the same things so that you can decide for yourself who you want to meet, how, where and when. Sometimes even if you're not into groups they will still suggest munches and events because it lets you meet people, it gets you out of the house and lets you see the activities in person with the decision on whether or not you want to participate or watch or walk out.

OsideGirl -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 8:46:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 Perhaps as a reflection, of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself? I met Master at a social. We've been friends for 16 years, together for 13 years and married for 12 years. And for the record, the LA social at Sportsman Lodge was epic. In the summer months there would be around 200 people in attendance.

Missokyst -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 9:18:04 AM)
FR to the OP My question more would be why not a munch? Why not expand the places you might find kink instead of limiting it to online searches, craigslist, ect.? The premise that the suggestion we state to "go to a munch" for those seeking is a tactical move designed to get them out doing things. I met 2 of my mates at a munch. And around here at least there is a lot of kinky conversations that happen at munches. I am sure people who are seeking have tried the online services available to them. What would you have us suggest?

LadyPact -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 9:19:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 No I do not. Just saying that, should someone not care about meeting others, or have little desire to, but instead just want some decent advice of and about looking for a partner, then suggesting a Munch wouldn't be the greatest answer. Like you said, a munch is for fun, not meeting someone. It's like going to a gym, or a book club, or the store, or work. You can meet someone anywhere. It doesn't mean it's a great suggestion to give for such though. Yes people met in and at munches are kink friendly, so it would be better than many places. But telling people a Munch is a good place to meet a partner would be deceptive I think. It's a good place to meet and get to know people, and over time you might meet a partner, you might not. Actually, I'm of the mind that a person should be happy with themselves first, rather than put the priority of meeting a partner. Then again, that's just Me. Finding a partner isn't My focus. I will tell you what I know. Meeting folks in the real world has a much greater success rate than meeting someone on the net. If you are a male sub looking for a female Dominant, the lopsidedness in the numbers is absolutely hideous on CM. Every time I've done the research, I come up with a ratio of 10:1. (That's based on new members in a 24 hour period in the US, which I've confirmed to be accurate multiple times.) It's really a hundred males a day who check the submissive box compared to 10 female profiles that check the Dominant box. That doesn't even account for how many of those ten might not actually be women or how many of that ten aren't the dreaded findoms that so many folks like to complain about. Don't forget that those numbers compound daily. Even if those ten Dommes match up with ten of those submissives, that means that there are ninety submissives left in the pool. The next day, there are another hundred sub males to add to that ninety to compete for the next ten Dommes that sign up. Each day that goes by, your chance as a submissive male actually gets worse and worse from a mathematical standpoint. I have yet to be at any munch anywhere where the chances against a male submissive were so low. That's including the times that I've been the only person in attendance that identified as a female Dominant. If you think your odds are good using CM and only using CM, more power to you. I just don't think it's realistic.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 12:39:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9 My question isn't debating the usefulness of munches or their point. Or even that they should be suggested as a place to go or not. It was if munches are a good place to meet a partner or not. and if it is not, why is it given so often as a suggestion for such? I see where you're coming from, but I don't agree with the premise. You're talking about finding a life partner. But most of the people who get the advice about going to a munch are not looking for that. They're typically people who come here with preconceived notions that are obviously drawn from porn. Or else, they have only perused the internet, and they have no REAL WORLD experience. I often tell those people to go to a munch. But frankly, I can't remember very many threads where someone was looking for a LTR. More typically, we see threads started by porn-fed wankers who are asking questions like "How do I get someone to pee on me?", or "Does anyone want to cuckold me?", or "How do I meet a Domme?" For those people, I have often given them the advice that they should turn off their computer and go to a munch. But your question is a little different. What you're getting at is far more complex. Even in vanilla life, finding a LTR partner is difficult. That's why we have millions of people on websites like OKCupid, eharmony, and Match.com. I'm not sure that there is any realistic advice that you could give someone to help them find a long-term partner. Frankly, that seems to be a matter of luck. Just ask all of the people who are diligently seeking their soul mate right now. But frankly, there are really only two options. Meet people in real life, or meet them on-line. And you seem to be telling us that real life doesn't work for everyone. I agree. But neither does on-line. The bottom line is that everyone who is looking for a partner should use a multi-pronged approach. Use both real life activities and on-line activities. That would seem to be the best way to maximize your odds of meeting someone.

seekingreality -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 5:43:47 PM)
I am a very social person, but I don't really like munches. I have no particular interest in socializing with people based on a shared interest in BDSM. I'd only go to meet a potential partner. And a munch is small universe, and I don't the odds of meeting someone worth the time. If you go to Fetlife, you can find munches, and see lists of people who have RSVPed. I scan through them, and once I eliminated the women who are partnered up or who I don't find attractive, I am lucky if there is even one or two women I want to meet. I just send them an email. Sure, go to a munch to meet people. But be realistic that if you're only reason to go is to meet potential partners, it can be time consuming with long odds.

lostnlooking9 -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/17/2013 7:14:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 I see where you're coming from, but I don't agree with the premise. You're talking about finding a life partner. But most of the people who get the advice about going to a munch are not looking for that. They're typically people who come here with preconceived notions that are obviously drawn from porn. Or else, they have only perused the internet, and they have no REAL WORLD experience. I often tell those people to go to a munch. But frankly, I can't remember very many threads where someone was looking for a LTR. More typically, we see threads started by porn-fed wankers who are asking questions like "How do I get someone to pee on me?", or "Does anyone want to cuckold me?", or "How do I meet a Domme?" For those people, I have often given them the advice that they should turn off their computer and go to a munch. But your question is a little different. What you're getting at is far more complex. Even in vanilla life, finding a LTR partner is difficult. That's why we have millions of people on websites like OKCupid, eharmony, and Match.com. I'm not sure that there is any realistic advice that you could give someone to help them find a long-term partner. Frankly, that seems to be a matter of luck. Just ask all of the people who are diligently seeking their soul mate right now. But frankly, there are really only two options. Meet people in real life, or meet them on-line. And you seem to be telling us that real life doesn't work for everyone. I agree. But neither does on-line. The bottom line is that everyone who is looking for a partner should use a multi-pronged approach. Use both real life activities and on-line activities. That would seem to be the best way to maximize your odds of meeting someone. See, I agree with most of this. In fact more people should go into this type of info and thoughts than just offering "go to a munch" However to divert slightly, "we see threads by porn fed wankers" like "how do I meet a Domme?" heck even the culkhold question assuming the person is nieve. how does a simple question like this show someone is a Porn Fed Wanker?(is HNG no longer used? gee I might be getting old here. lol) Yes I understand some questions would, and the attitude of the person could stand out as such, but your words above show and speak the subjest of this thread. Just asking how to find a Domme elicits an answer of "go to a munch"(basically) Say the person is new here, or to d/s forums or to d/s in general and is just starting out, and is truly curious and looking to learn and find someone, instead of the real, in depth, complicated answer that might not help much but would give them an understanding on how things are and can be, they get an answer that is quick and unhelpful. Unless they happen to be lucky and meet someone their first munch. Not to say you are, but, to me such an attitude looks and feels very snobby to me. people looking for help and they are looked at as HNG's. In fact even if they are HNG's why should that matter? Maybe they don't know any better or different? Why should they be looked down at? Perhaps they could, or would be willing to change or learn? Though perhaps I'm the nieve foolish one as I'm the kind of guy who gives everyone a chance, no matter what they first say or how they look or what they do. I judge people by who they are, not first impressions. Anyways, I disagree with that part of your reply, but like the rest! :)

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