RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/18/2013 10:45:59 PM)

That was something I was wondering as well. The earlier question from Missokyst didn't exactly get an answer. Just in case it was missed, here's a quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Once again I would ask... where would you have us direct these people?

If not a munch do you have a viable alternative? And if you do, why not offer it when it is asked?

So what is your suggestion?

I'm just curious as to what other suggestions would be? Sure, people meet in all kinds of ways but, at minimum, going where kinky people are congregating does say that, at least, kinky people will be found. You might run across a kinkster elsewhere but why send folks to find singles to the grocery or the book store?




seekingreality -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/19/2013 12:14:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9

So the end conclusion then is that a munch is the best place to find your one and true lifestyle partner then? Correct? It just takes time and effort, but as long as you are a good person, be yourself, and attend every munch you will sooner or later find the one?



There are no guarantees in life. You could go to a munch a day for the rest of your life and not meet a partner there.

By and large, the people who proclaim "Get thee to a munch" are people who go to and like munches. I rarely hear people who hate munches say to go to them, so I think that advise is coming from a fairly small group of people. They just tend to be vocal people.

And, also, it's easy to forget that only a very small percentage of people who engage in BDSM consider themselves part of a lifestyle or have gone to a munch.

There are pros and cons to everything. Sure, you know the people who go a munch are kinky in general, but personally I don't think your chances of finding a BDSM partner at a munch are any better than using a vanilla dating site. Any approach will take a lot of time and effort. Just find what works for you, and accept it won't be easy.



searching4mysir -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/19/2013 5:35:40 AM)

quote:

By and large, the people who proclaim "Get thee to a munch" are people who go to and like munches.


I've never been to one as I don't play publicly or casually.

When people don't come across well in print (because they don't communicate that well in that medium) as well as when they seem to be getting lost/overwhelmed by the vastness of online (either with multiple porn stills/erotic cartoons on their profile), I'll often recommend going out into the community, aka a munch. It gives them an opportunity for whatever personality they have to shine as well as meet real people. Will these people become "the one" or play partners? Who knows? It might, it might not, but it gets people out of Mommy's basement and interacting with the world around them.



myotherself -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/19/2013 6:15:14 AM)

I don't go to munches any more, but when I was shiny-new I went to several in my local area, for several years. Mostly I went because I realised I knew nothing about bdsm in real life. I'd read the porn, read the websites and chatted online to people, but I'd never seen it in action.

I made real friends, saw how a wide range of real relationships worked, and figured out what worked for me.

I actually found my Master here on cm. I found that a lot of the local 'doms' didn't actually go to munches or clubs, but preferred to keep their kinky side quite private. But the experience I gained through going to munches and clubs gave me the knowledge and confidence to weed out those who weren't right for me and stay in control of a new relationship until I was actually ready to cede control to another.

So yeah, munches be useful. But for me personally, they also have a use-by date [:)]



Rochsub2009 -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 6:20:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality

By and large, the people who proclaim "Get thee to a munch" are people who go to and like munches. I rarely hear people who hate munches say to go to them, so I think that advise is coming from a fairly small group of people.



Not necessarily true.

I don't go to munches because I already know most of the members of the local community. I'm not on the board, so I don't view it as my job to meet and greet with potential new members. So munches have very little use for me. Similarly, I seldom go to play parties. I'm into TPE within the confines of a D/s relationship. "Playing" at a public event has little appeal to me. So I seldom go.

But despite that, I often suggest that people go to a munch or play party. Not because it is the ONLY answer, or because it is a place where they are certain to meet kinky people who can answer questions for them. Moreover, it gives them an introduction to LOCAL people who are into the same things that they are into. On-line has it's benefits, but many people want to meet likeminded individuals face-to-face. For those people, going to a munch or play party is probably the simplest suggestion. That's why I tell them to go to a munch. But I never imply that it is the ONLY solution, or that it is for everybody. But if someone wants to meet real life kinksters, what other solution is there? I don't know of any other guaranteed places where they can meet fellow kinksters.



MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 7:23:13 AM)

This thread is like a neurotic lapdog chasing its own tail. OP starts saying they are having hard time making connection, one side says "munch", the other side says "not needed". Good arguments pro and con, OP occasionally chimes in with objections, other posters offer more pros and cons.

lostnlooking9, here is your solution: turn off computer, leave house, get money.
Go downtown, find bar with either a shitload of Harleys in front or a bunch of Goth/Punk kids out front sharing cigarettes. Go in, buy a drink for yourself and observe the activity around you. Wear black, it's fashion forward and helps to blend in pretty much anywhere the scene happens.
Bonus points if there's industrial dance/Goth/nu-metal playing at earbleed volume. Zero in on the woman/women who have a coterie of people around her/them. More bonus points if she/them are wearing leather/fetish-themed clothing.
Send a couple drinks her/their way. If she/them sees you're interested and have money, she/them may/may not invite you over to get better acquainted.

Use social skills to avoid doing this with biker's ol' lady/vengeful types. No guarantees on success, but you will have accomplished several notable things.
1. You will have left your house.
2. You will have interacted socially with people who may/may not be in scene.
3. You will have gotten a pleasant buzz, helped your local economy, and perhaps gotten noticed by someone who may/may not lead you to your desired end goal.

Be polite as needed, watch what you say, and tip the bartender well. Don't be a jerk, it's a recon mission. Take notes, mental or otherwise (don't write in a notepad at the bar-bad form and garners the wrong attention). Did I mention tip the bartender well? Good, because that's who will be the one who helps you the most. How do I know this? I was the bartender who facilitated a good many hookups in the past by lonely men seeking women. Play it right, and you're first and goal. Unfortunately, it's up to you to hit the end zone.

Yes, a lot of the heavy lifting is going to be on your part. That's how the game works in real-life. Munches are suggested so you don't have to become a bar-crawler in your search, because they are a concentrated collection of like-minded people. If you like to read books and talk about them, do you go to a hardware store and strike up conversations? No. You join a book club. Same idea here.

Yes, my suggestion cost money, time, and effort. Again, that is real life. You can't expect faceless people on a forum to do all the work for you. Use good judgement, don't get shit-faced, don't drive drunk, but go out there and experience life on the dark side. You may be surprised at what you find out there. Good luck.



kalikshama -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 8:16:52 AM)

quote:

of all those or any of those who recommend Munches as a good place to meet a partner, how many d/s relationships of yours personally have come from such yourself?


When my (now ex) husband and I were noobs we met a M/s couple at a munch who ended up informally mentoring us, which was the best possible connection we could have made.

I like bigger munches with an educational theme better than the small, dinner and informal conversation only munches which are what are available close to me, so I'm not currently attending munches, plus my man isn't in to them anyway.

There's a poster who comes on from time to time and complains bitterly that he can't hook up with hot young chicks online. He's in Boston, for crying out loud! I've repeatedly suggested that he go to the Boston TNG, but AFAIK, he's yet to do this, preferring to complain about CM [8|]



littlewonder -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 5:07:24 PM)

For me personally, I never understood the whole mentoring or meeting kinky people or learning bdsm. I guess for me you're either submissive or you're dominant. It's not something you learn. Now if we're just talking kinky sex, I still don't think there's much to learn unless you're into the more extreme stuff but most into bdsm aren't. Most are into spankings, a little hair pulling, kneeling, a crop or flogger here and there, maybe a caning...nothing that is going to do any major damage if any at all.

And as my signature says, if you failed at vanilla dating, then trying to date and meet a person into bdsm isn't going to somehow be any different. So for those who come across on here as not knowing anything about bdsm, I assume they probably are the socially inept people to begin with and telling them about bdsm isn't going to help them.



wittynamehere -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 5:11:38 PM)

Hell no, munches, dungeons, and other "community" BDSM stuff isn't for me.
This is my sexuality and personality - and how I relate to partners. Not a club, not a hobby, not an activity.
Not bashing those who go this route - knock yourselves out! It's just not for me, whatsoever, and I think those who say "Go to a munch" as the best solution to every problem are just plain wrong most of the time. It's only a solution to a small portion of those who fall under the massive BDSM umbrella label.



LadyPact -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 7:27:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
For me personally, I never understood the whole mentoring or meeting kinky people or learning bdsm. I guess for me you're either submissive or you're dominant. It's not something you learn. Now if we're just talking kinky sex, I still don't think there's much to learn unless you're into the more extreme stuff but most into bdsm aren't. Most are into spankings, a little hair pulling, kneeling, a crop or flogger here and there, maybe a caning...nothing that is going to do any major damage if any at all.

And as my signature says, if you failed at vanilla dating, then trying to date and meet a person into bdsm isn't going to somehow be any different. So for those who come across on here as not knowing anything about bdsm, I assume they probably are the socially inept people to begin with and telling them about bdsm isn't going to help them.
I don't think it's just the extreme stuff. Heck, we've got people out there giving others second degree burns from wax play. That's even with opportunity to become educated on how to do it safely.

At least half of the stuff that I do today is stuff that I wouldn't be doing if I hadn't learned about it. I'm a hands on kind of person when it comes to topping skills. That's over and above doing research on the topic. Reading alone doesn't cut it for Me.




wiermen -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 10:23:50 PM)

It is not easy for a lot of people to open up to strangers however warm the welcome may be.
For me to attend a munch will be a giant leap of faith whatever anyone might say to encourage me and I think that goes for a lot of others new to the scene.
I cannot get over the quite conventional and formal approach the community has and I have to say I am surprised.
I always imagined BDSM operated in anonymity where devotees needed to preserve their identity and most intimate desires.
I have to say that I am quite disdainful of the commercial element and this is not just confined to BDSM.
You could say that I am a Tight Wad!!!
It is lamentable that a libertine and unconventional lifestyle is catered for by so many vested interests.
I do hope that I don't get some guy trying to sell me a monogrammed leather posing pouch after cultivating my company for half the night!!!
Of course, I am not daft or a Ludite, but there is something very ironic in the prospect of discussing with someone the technical merits of a machine that is going to make me very sore and very poor!!
I am intrigued at how people on here quote so often.
It is a good job Think Exist launched a website, otherwise dog eared copies of the Penguin Dictionary of Quotations would be in short supply!
Love you all!



boredhousewife24 -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/20/2013 11:22:11 PM)

The one (and only) time me and my husband attended a TNG munch I was hit on pretty badly all night long and it was very uncomfortable for the both of us. Even though my husband was with me when he finally did have enough and said something he had a young guy get up in his face and physically threaten him and that was when we left. Truly one of the worst experiences of my life. Since then we have talked with other couples who have tried to convince us to come back out and give it a shot but so far my husband is adamant that he doesnt need that bs in his life. So hopefully our experience is not common place. I would like to think it wasnt but I hear stories both ways so who knows.



MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 7:30:03 AM)




You do raise some very valid points on the con side of going to munches. From what many of the pro opinions offered, it is only brought up as an option for when the online circus starts to get to be too much or someone is not separating fantasy from reality. The last munch I went to was anything but a commercial pitch fest. It was in a coffee shop, some of the regulars spent time catching up with their vanilla lives, they went over upcoming events in the area, and greeted the newest attendees. There was no flirting, selling, or anything other have been describing.

I'm sure people have horror stories of munches that tried to turn themselves into scene plays, but overall, they're just an option to get into the local scene. Anonymity is generally preserved at a properly hosted munch. By definition, it's a vanilla activity, akin to a book club or political group meeting. And as for being a tightwad, welcome to the club. I'm staunch believer in DIY and pervertables myself. Take the suggestions offered gently, because they're made to help not hinder. And on the last point, quoting, I can't speak for others, but I often use the Quote feature to make it easier to look at the post I was replying to when formulating a response without having to drop windows every few seconds. Sometimes I forget to delete the quoted post. I did just that in my reply to you. Best of luck in your quest!



Missokyst -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 8:33:51 AM)

*FR*
I am still looking for ANYONE to offer the alternative. Clearly the bitching and moaning of the original post was just so much whining. So far no one has come up with a place to attempt to find a viable mate.

I have found suitable partners at munches in the past. But, as I began doing this stuff long before the advent of home computers I know that finding people can be done without attending some organized event. Back in the pre-web days there were the blue papers of course but for me at least, kink found me. In the weird way, you know, meeting someone and dating them, wanting them and screwing them, and finding onesself bound and facefucked after discovering we shared twisted desires. Ah youth!
Now of course people are too pure to do such things. They don't have sex without love [8|], and no one dates a few people in the same time frame until they weed out the ones that are not quite the best fit, even if you are not having sex with them. I do miss the more free days of old when a date meant getting to know someone before they became intimate.

So, though I feel a munch at least gets one out among the kinky it is surely not the only way to meet. And if people no longer date unless they believe it may be "the one", how do they find a potential? Not that it would change the way I would look. Munches for buddies and if sparks happen more. But dating, dining, dancing, and getting to know someone before committing will always be my default method. So if not a munch, what?



wiermen -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 8:39:30 AM)

Ha Ha!!
I love the bit about Pervetables!
Do you mean naive and pliant young Sub's !!!!!



DesFIP -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 8:46:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

That was something I was wondering as well. The earlier question from Missokyst didn't exactly get an answer. Just in case it was missed, here's a quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Once again I would ask... where would you have us direct these people?

If not a munch do you have a viable alternative? And if you do, why not offer it when it is asked?

So what is your suggestion?

I'm just curious as to what other suggestions would be? Sure, people meet in all kinds of ways but, at minimum, going where kinky people are congregating does say that, at least, kinky people will be found. You might run across a kinkster elsewhere but why send folks to find singles to the grocery or the book store?





I'm beginning to think the best place we could direct them would be a competent therapist who would help them learn social skills and relationship skills.



MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 8:52:49 AM)

The library. Hang out at one, read some books, go through out of town newspapers. And based on the number of people covering up their computer screens when I walked behind them, closeted kinksters without home-based internet [;)]

Seriously. I know two librarians personally, and they are fun and interesting people. A possible scenario would be to find a suitable tome (kink is not usually advertised openly, but it is there), plop yourself down for a few hours and gauge the reactions of the 'wanderers' who snoop you as you're sitting there. Make sure you leave a book with a salacious title visible.

I would covertly advertise, perhaps with a triskelion key fob or some other identifier apparent to a scene-friendly soul. Handcuff earrings for the ladies (and some gents), perhaps even the old-school bandanna flag system (don't ask me-I didn't ascribe to it myself). A bonus is that most libraries have access to alternative newspapers as well, some you might not even realize exist in your area.






jovannacherry -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 9:43:30 AM)

i have only been to one
and it was a TOTAL waste of time for me



Missokyst -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 10:07:34 AM)

LMAO... so true!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
And based on the number of people covering up their computer screens when I walked behind them, closeted kinksters without home-based internet [;)]







MasterCaneman -> RE: To Munch or not to Munch? (5/21/2013 10:34:49 AM)

I know. I have this weird ability to move almost silently, despite being 250 lbs and walking with a cane. I'll stroll by and they get this look of horror as they desperately try to click off the site. And when you mentioned blue papers it brought back some memories as well.

Seriously, I've been trying to think of places other than munches to meet kink-friendly folks, but every one has more cons than pros. I've already suggested bars/clubs, so I won't rehash that. Adult bookstores might be another avenue, but any female-type there is probably a working pro, which defeats OP's intent.

Leather shops, tattoo/piercing parlors, and That Store In the Mall That I Will Not Name may be another, but they expect you to buy stuff and go away rather than hang out and annoy the other customers.



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