njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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I can understand being upset about someone you are in a relationship with disclosing personal relationship information and the like, and being upset about boundaries, but in this example I am none too certain if your reaction is warranted, to be honest. First of all, you guys met online and only recently met in real life, and while I might seem old fashioned in this world of virtual reality, you aren't really his domme, you guys might have been exploring, but it doesn't sound like you had formed the 'real' relationship yet. Had you worked out boundaries? Had this even been discussed? Were you guys already in sub/domme roles, or were you just talking back and forth?
People do have friends they bounce things off of, and yes, they talk. When I was getting into this lifestyle, I had people I asked questions of , a pro domme I had been friends with, among others, to try and make this work, there was no intention of domming from afar, they were simply trying to help me make it work.
You are upset because you believe that she is in effect domming from afar (the online person), but could some of that be because you guys haven't established a 'real' relationship yet, where your beginnings were online only, and you were afraid because to you, that online stuff is very real? It is very easy in a virtual world to assume all such things are the same, but they aren't, real life is quite different, as strong as virtual ones are. Do you feel like she was telling him things like "well, if she is going to be your domme, you should tell her to do x", and he was telling you that, or was it she was telling him how to behave, suggesting ways to make you interested? There is a difference between being dommed from afar, and someone suggesting things to him. You may be jumping to conclusions with this, because people do talk to friends about intimate things, with no intention other than to figure out what to do, goes on all the time. You may be upset he didn't mention it earlier, but quite frankly, he is not unlikely to have felt that your meeting was the beginning of the relationship, and he then told you/. Online stuff dies about as fast as it starts, so he might not have shared because he wasn't sure it was going to happen, and when it did, it told you.
My question for you is in your reaction, did you look at what happened up until this point and see patterns of him trying to top from below? Was he saying things like "if I am going to be your sub, I need you to do x"? I am curious why you feel like someone outside was controlling things. Giving the sub advice on how to treat a potential domme sounds like something a friend would do, guys and girls do this all the time when they are dating, they talk to friends, male and female, if they can't figure someone out they like, so why is this different? Did he tell this other person something about you that is secret, did he tell her your real name, tell her where you work? Just not sure what it is that so caused this reaction.
People reach out to friends all the time with things, and sometimes it is very personal. During out mariage my wife and I were in therapy about a number of things, and during that it turned out my wife had been sexually abused as child by her father, it was quite horrible, and it had major consequences for our relationship (in some ways, the affects of the abuse were less strong than they were after it came out and the whole thing hit our relationship like an anvil). There were people, friends, that I talked to about this, needed a place to vent, to try and get my head on straight, and while it might be a breach of protocol, and my wife probably wouldn't feel that good about it (among other things, having a shithead nother brought up in the RC, it was something shameful, even though the only person who should be ashamed were the mother and the piece of shit father), but it was how I was trying to cope with something that was horrendous and made my life less than stellar, trying to keep it together so I could be strong for my wife.....
If you are interested in this guy, I think you need to do some thinking, there is no wrong or right here, just some suggestions. First of all, ask yourself why him having this online friend is causing you so much agony. My therapist used to say that when we have a reaction that is outsize, it is because there is something else there..have you been betrayed in the past? Have you dealt with meddling? There is something there, because from what you have written, about someone you are just starting to know, to me it doesn't make sense (I realize I don't know the whole story). It sounds to me like he was looking to impress you, to make you want him, and that is true whether a guy is sub or simply interested in a woman (unless, of course, they are some arrogant prick,but that is another story).
I think you guys need to talk, I think that there is a major disconnect here, if you want to go forward. You and he both have the right to set boundaries in a relationship, about what is acceptable, what isn't, and the key word there is communicating. The fact that he didn't tell you about an online friend when you were still virtual is a pretty hazy boundary you were expecting him to know., to be honest, you are shocked he had a friend you didn't know about when you didn't have a relationship.....
More importantly, I can only speak for myself and my own experiences, but in relationships, vanilla and D/s, people tend to have friends they share with, vent, etc, people who know they are venting and understand boundaries, understand this is you reaching out, and there is nothing ulterior in it. I know of D's who encourage their s's to have friends who are s, or even D, to have someone to help them, to vent to, and so forth, because they know it helps the relationship, and I know plenty of D's who talk to each other, about the good things, the bad things and the even worse *shrug*.
If you do decide to go forward, knowing about friends, especially those who are into BD/SM, is not unreasonable (if that is what you wish), and setting boundaries is not a bad thing, either. For example, there will be people you may not want to know about your relationship; there might be scene people you have bad experience with you don't want him talking about. In this case, if you guys decide to have a relationship, it might not be bad for you to get to know the friend, the person you are upset about, to see if you get the feeling she is the interfering sort, or to talk about what are boundaries for you..especially if you are thinking of an owned relationship, you have to understand your s is human, and will have friends, and while you have the right to set boundaries, also know that expecting a sub not to have any, or not talk about your relationship with anyone, isn't particularly healthy either, we all need outlets, and while there need to be good boundaries, walls are not a good answer.
I wish you luck, whatever you end up doing. To me, it sounds like the guy is sincere, and if he committed any gross acts, it probably was because he was so into you that he wanted to be perfect......one thing you could tell him is you were flattered he cared enough to try and be the best he could be to please you, and that is valuable, but that you prefer if he is just himself and that you will guide him towards what you need:)
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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 
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