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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 5/31/2013 4:10:39 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The profile might be gone here, but there's a thread on the other site under the same name with a much different spin on the story. I guess the OP thought she's get more folks who would commiserate with her if the slant was from another angle.

From my point of view, it didn't paint her in a better light. It showed that she tried to engage in a power dynamic with someone that she hadn't even met yet (which she did in her OP here as well), then disliked that he expected her to behave like a Dominant when they finally met face to face.

If ya don't want to be treated like a duck.....don't quack.

No I don't think it painted her in a better light either. But then again, she got all the comforting and coddling she was looking for so I guess it doesn't matter.

You know what I find so interesting though (over there, not as much here)? We are constantly telling submissive women not to let some random internet guys try to instill a dynamic that doesn't exist yet, and until they meet shouldn't. Yet, over on FL, this woman got all the comfort she needed with everyone taking up her silly cause and agreeing that trying to "put him in sub" space before they met was a good idea. WTF?

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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 8:03:17 AM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
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I've run into this problem myself over the years, mainly because almost all of my friends over the years have been people in the scene. I've had quite a few female dominants (and a number of them professionals) as my close personal friends. This has created problems when I've actually pursued new relationships with a dominant because quite often there's this "wait, you're only allowed to be talking to one dominant woman" vibe that suddenly shows up. But these are friends I have had for decades, which means that the odds of me just dumping friends because of a new relationship seems a bit absurd. However, every now and then that's exactly what the expectation is.

What I've found is the more mature (not another word for age, but maturity of mind) ones tend to have zero problem with it as long as I'm honest and outright about such relationships. When that happens, the past relationships never make a dent, or even an impact. I have one female friend of mine I have known for decades who used to be my mistress years back. She's almost ALWAYS the one I'll talk to before deciding to become a full time submissive to someone. She knows me better than anyone and quite often can help me figure out if I'm thinking through a situation properly. She never takes control, or does anything that could even be considered a "dominant" action. She just acts as a friend (which I do for her as well).

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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 1:30:31 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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I think the OP has every right to feel the way she does, but that doesn't mean she won't get raked over the coals for it, since others have strong beliefs and a right to them. We don't know the real story, but I suspect to many people, it was like to myself, that the OP may have gotten further into the dynamic based on their online communication and assumed that they already had a D/s, and that she felt like it already was 'real', whereas the sub may well have felt like they had explored and now it was becoming real, and decided to tell her. We don't know what the sub did or didn't tell the other person, we don't know what secrets he supposedly told, but to me the fact that the sub told her when they met means that he started feeling like they had a relationship going at that point, and thus disclosed. While I understand how the virtual world is so important to people these days, I kind of think the OP went overboard if my assumption is correct, she seemed to feel they had a real relationship going and didn't talk to the guy about it......and she should have realized IMO that if anything, this was a disconnect caused by the fact that they didn't have a real relationship going, that she had never shared with him what she expected, nor had she asked him how he felt, she assumed, and there is an old expression about what assume is short for......

It is obvious she seemed to be interested in this guy, I don't doubt her sincerity, but I think she got upset way, way out of proportion in a relationship that was online between two strangers...as intimate as online stuff may be, it is not the same as real life, when you meet and such, and for all I know they were 'mistress x' and 'sub y' online (i.e pseudonyms), not even on a real name basis...in this case, it sounds more like a distinct case of miscommunication and unshared assumptions than anything else.

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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 2:32:39 PM

mymymouth

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/5/2013
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I don't understand how polygamy (which didn't seem the story in the OP even approached) could possibly be seen as taboo in the BDSM community.

Vanilla people that are single handle multiple partners and treating each of them like adults just fine on a daily basis. Have you seen the modern singles market? But in the BDSM scene you can't even tell a potential partner in person that you've been speaking to someone online.

So, is the community old fashioned, emotionally unstable?

< Message edited by mymymouth -- 6/1/2013 2:40:10 PM >

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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 3:12:48 PM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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Monogamy is very important to some people, whether they are kinky or vanilla, and connected to that is exclusivity.

Some dominant (or submissive) people do not want their prospective partners playing the field.
Just as some "vanilla" folk don't want to date other people who happen to be dating other people, some kinky folk believe that serious discussion before meeting signifies some sort of commitment to them.

To some of them it seems very disrespectful.

Monogamy is a valid preference, as is polyamory.
(polygamy is marrying more than one person, polyamory is loving more than one person, and poly-fuckery (which is often mistaken for polyamory) should be self-explanatory.

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RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 3:27:42 PM

mymymouth

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Haha sorry on the vocabulary mishap.

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Post #: 86

RE: Sub secretly chatting with other Domme - 6/1/2013 8:45:34 PM

LafayetteLady