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RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:18:53 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

Hmm i guess i should explain more master and me do talk quite a bit he is always willing to work on things if i say somethimg.not feeling right but.i feel like saying master your going easy on me it will make him upset and no he doesnt wait for me to.mess.up and punish me for no reason... )ell set task detail them out and if i fail.then i get punished for failing to follow directions ie taking.shortcuts when cleaning i broke a picture frame type thing and the reason i ran.is because i cheated drunk on him i knew the punishment was gunna.suck or.he would just end it if.i.told.him... I chose to leave before i.got hurt.figureitvly.literaly and my first real scene was getting punished i walked in not knowing what to expect and after that was scar ed all play was like a punishment... I know now its not and i enjoy playing.... But since coming.back ive made mistakes and havent been punished.just given that look like what the hell and nothings happened and xactly he never punished me for cheating or running or the name.calling.that came with me running he just let it go... Im still mentally punishing myself for it tho

If it makes you feel any better, I understood your post. problem is, you broke trust by cheating,he broke it by hurting you in your first scene. They should always be discussed.

I tend to think he cares for you.. he simply isnt to the point of trusting you again. That will take time. You have to decide if you are willing to give that time.

I can also remember being told "You are punishing yourself far more than I ever could" .. and he was right.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 21

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:41:22 PM

bitingmylip

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/31/2013
Status: offline

Sorry about the poor grammer and such i am on my phone and it hates this site

Im going to talk to him about it i guess like i said when ive communicated needs hes adjusted to help me get what i need

As for the cheating it was right after my punishment i was angry at him for punishing me
he told me i wasnt ready i pushed for more i wanted to be ready which i why i got angry when i was punished only instead of being upset with myself i got mad at him when he fully warned me what i was in for

And as tazzygirl said his exact words when he agreed to take me back was im not punishing you because your punishing yourself more than i ever could

Thank you for the advice and the complements on being cute... My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 22

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 6:43:14 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Not everybody likes pain, and many people who do have a difficult time with the pain that happens in punishment.
The head-space is completely different.

So, perhaps this punishment for accidentally breaking something was more of a play-scene to your master, and it was something that you could not physically and/or emotionally handle.

I could see punishing you, if you had thrown the vase...but you didn't.

So, figure out what it is you specifically need and want, and then let him know.

You may find this helpful.

http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 23

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 11:32:39 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

This is something he can't fix for you, yet you seem to hoping he will. I get the feeling that you believe his punishing you just proves you are undesirable and you deserve it because you aren't desirable. A vicious circle to be sure.

Also, it was not really appropriate that the first BDSM activity with him was punishment when you had zero experience. It certainly isn't going to give someone a positive thought about BDSM in general. Unless of course, a person feels they are undesirable.

I think someone (or more) said it already, but you need to see a professional about these issues and stop thinking some guy is going to fix it for you.

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 24

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 3:49:30 AM

RollingThunder

Posts: 13
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline

my question would be Why did he let you come back?

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 25

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 6:50:23 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

Sorry about the poor grammer and such i am on my phone and it hates this site

Im going to talk to him about it i guess like i said when ive communicated needs hes adjusted to help me get what i need

As for the cheating it was right after my punishment i was angry at him for punishing me
he told me i wasnt ready i pushed for more i wanted to be ready which i why i got angry when i was punished only instead of being upset with myself i got mad at him when he fully warned me what i was in for

And as tazzygirl said his exact words when he agreed to take me back was im not punishing you because your punishing yourself more than i ever could

Thank you for the advice and the complements on being cute... My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

Subs tend to be insecure so don't let that be your focus, as if you are somehow not a normal submissive.

As far as "punishment" goes, it's not needed here. What is needed is obedience in the strongest terms. Show your master who you are to him, really. Put your collar on, real or figuratively, and kneel and wait on him silently. Wait on him.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 26

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 7:14:24 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RollingThunder
my question would be Why did he let you come back?

Oside answered that very neatly in post #20.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
Subs tend to be insecure so don't let that be your focus, as if you are somehow not a normal submissive.

I would strongly disagree with that blanket statement.
I don't think insecurity issues have anything whatsoever to do with being a sub; I think that's a red herring.
Some subs I have actually met have been extremely forthright and a very strong character.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
As far as "punishment" goes, it's not needed here. What is needed is obedience in the strongest terms. Show your master who you are to him, really. Put your collar on, real or figuratively, and kneel and wait on him silently. Wait on him.

As much as I would go with this idea, I think OP needs to find out if there is actually going to be any D/s dynamic first.

I definitely think she needs answers first before she submits to him again.
As it stands, the trust has gone completely and no dynamic exists for her to participate in.
She needs to decide objectively (thinking with her big head) whether this relationship is worth saving.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 27

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 7:15:03 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I disagree with your comment that subs are insecure.

I have found far more men (Doms) to be insecure.

Most submissive women I know are smart, capable and self aware, as well as confident.

As humans, we all have our insecure moments, but don't make a generalization like that to a young woman new to D/s.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 28

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 7:23:13 AM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Subs tend to be insecure so don't let that be your focus, as if you are somehow not a normal submissive.

So now being insecure is a "submissive trait"?
Damn why didn't anyone ever tell me that! I've been doing it wrong for years. lol
I know MANY subs and slaves who are NOT insecure.
So I am going to call bullshit.

Being insecure isn't a dominant or submissive trait.
Hell, IMO it's not even a personality trait it's a symptom to other problems.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/5/2013 7:24:33 AM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 29

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 8:22:03 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I disagree with your comment that subs are insecure.

I have found far more men (Doms) to be insecure.

Most submissive women I know are smart, capable and self aware, as well as confident.

As humans, we all have our insecure moments, but don't make a generalization like that to a young woman new to D/s.

All Do's must be secure in themselves before controling others.
Most subs I know are smart, capable and self aware.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 30

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 8:25:44 AM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

All Do's must be secure in themselves before controling others.
Most subs I know are smart, capable and self aware.

So by YOUR definition if a man or woman has a moment of insecurity they are not capable of controlling or dominating someone else?

Again, since when do YOU get to decide what ALL dominant must be or not be?

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/5/2013 8:27:05 AM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 31

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 8:45:36 AM

SunTzuSwe

Posts: 82
Joined: 4/25/2013
Status: offline

For a relationship you need trust, you build your slave up and you communicate.
Imho punishment is for slacking off, not applying yourself and ignoring your duties not for accidents.

I understand the joy of playing really rough and having strict discipline with harsh punishments but I see no joy in breaking my most prized possession.
A slave or sub must never be afraid of honesty and there must be a willingness to attone for any transgressions.
Naturally this is just my personal observations and they reflect how I feel on the subject. I would be crazy not to realize that others out there may have a very different view on the matter.

I think you have quite a way to go before you can lay this to rest.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 32

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 9:26:07 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

All Do's must be secure in themselves before controling others.
Most subs I know are smart, capable and self aware.

So by YOUR definition if a man or woman has a moment of insecurity they are not capable of controlling or dominating someone else?

Again, since when do YOU get to decide what ALL dominant must be or not be?

Why do you say "moment of insecurity"?
I don't get to decide. Do you know any insecure Doms and how does one submit to an weak Dom, is it easier?

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 33

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 10:08:57 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Most dominants are insecure, most who arenz't are sociopaths.

The trick isn't to "cure" all insecurities but instead to be aware of them and deal with them like an adult.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 34

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 10:11:52 AM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Why do you say "moment of insecurity"?
I don't get to decide. Do you know any insecure Doms and how does one submit to an weak Dom, is it easier?

I said moment of insecurity, because IMO opinion a situation can make someone insecure. That doesn't mean that they are insecure about everything. So no, I wouldn't see that person (regardless of their label) as weak. I would think there was an underlying issue that needed to be handled either within themselves or with my relationship.

You are right, YOU don't get to decide what "ALL doms" should or should not do yet YOU throw around these generalizations that suggestion you do. Just like YOU stating subs are insecure. Again a GENERALIZATION and YOUR personal believe.

Again I don't see someone who is insecure as weak.
Nor do I see being insecure a dominant or submissive trait but a human trait and one that suggests other issues.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/5/2013 10:13:35 AM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 35

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 10:47:39 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

If you truly feel that way then I would suggest you try to change either your perspective or your behavior.

You are polite, flawed, questioning, curious, brave, cowardly, you do dumb stuff and smart stuff .. hmm.. you appear to have most of the traits that other humans have .. why would you think that being desirable would not be among them. You have a face Botticelli would have captured in marble and called art. Perhaps not everyone would desire you but you don't need the whole world at your feet do you?

If you don't see yourself as desirable, dig deeper because you're missing stuff. When you finally discover the good stuff, that'll be enough and you really won't even have to advertise cuz it already shines through. Good luck sweetie.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 36

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 11:21:27 AM

MasterSadric

Posts: 25
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
That's assuming that he was emotionally involved. It's entirely possible that it was just kinky sex for him and he took her back because young, cute, newbies don't come along every day, but now he's even less invested than before.

Well, there is that. I don't think that way, so it didn't occur to me.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 37

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:08:12 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Most dominants are insecure, most who arenz't are sociopaths.

The trick isn't to "cure" all insecurities but instead to be aware of them and deal with them like an adult.

I disagree but respect your post since it was presented the same way. I think insecurities in a Dom is a weakness that while present will show through and lead him to be topped from the bottom by a stronger submissive. In that case, the Dom is just playing a role rather than exercising his will. I also think insecurities in a female Dom leads to her dominating very weak men or being dominated by strong men who play her.

Since I know of no Doms who must be topped from the bottom or Dom women who can actually control strong men, then insecurity seems not to run in male Doms but does characterize female Doms. In general.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 38

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:14:41 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Why do you say "moment of insecurity"?
I don't get to decide. Do you know any insecure Doms and how does one submit to an weak Dom, is it easier?

I said moment of insecurity, because IMO opinion a situation can make someone insecure. That doesn't mean that they are insecure about everything. So no, I wouldn't see that person (regardless of their label) as weak. I would think there was an underlying issue that needed to be handled either within themselves or with my relationship.

You are right, YOU don't get to decide what "ALL doms" should or should not do yet YOU throw around these generalizations that suggestion you do. Just like YOU stating subs are insecure. Again a GENERALIZATION and YOUR personal believe.

Again I don't see someone who is insecure as weak.
Nor do I see being insecure a dominant or submissive trait but a human trait and one that suggests other issues.

Your reading comprehension lacks also.

I said "Subs tend to be insecure so don't let that be your focus, as if you are somehow not a normal submissive." and nothing you have posted contradicts this statement, except perhaps by saying that little man with the something over his face and pinned by your explicit set of butt cheeks is very secure in your opinion.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 39

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:20:02 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
I disagree but respect your post since it was presented the same way. I think insecurities in a Dom is a weakness that while present will show through and lead him to be topped from the bottom by a stronger submissive. In that case, the Dom is just playing a role rather than exercising his will. I also think insecurities in a female Dom leads to her dominating very weak men or being dominated by strong men who play her.

Since I know of no Doms who must be topped from the bottom or Dom women who can actually control strong men, then insecurity seems not to run in male Doms but does characterize female Doms. In general.

Again, a PoV that is very blinkered and you make another sweeping statement.

From those that I have met, I would estimate that more than 60% of so-called male 'doms' are in fact quite insecure and use their chest-thumping domliness as a way to express themselves as being 'a dom' when most can see it's no more than being an abusive bully.

On the other hand, apart from those fake findommes thinking people are cash-cows, a lot of the dominant women I've met are very dominant indeed and quite often, very much a match for any male dom!

Artie, your comments are quite limited to your very narrow view of what makes a dom and it flies in the face of what most other people think. Don't you think that puts you in a small minority??
Your chauvenism clearly shows through in your posts.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 40

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