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RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:20:05 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw
So by YOUR definition if a man or woman has a moment of insecurity they are not capable of controlling or dominating someone else?

The blanket assessment about submissives being insecure speaks to me of the sort of submissives Arturas attracts. But this bit here... this I resonate with. I can tell you that I find it very hard to be a leader in any context at all when I am doubting myself. Sure, if I have to I stuff it and move on but it makes the level of difficulty about 10x more.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 41

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:20:08 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Your reading comprehension lacks also.

I said "Subs tend to be insecure so don't let that be your focus, as if you are somehow not a normal submissive." and nothing you have posted contradicts this statement, except perhaps by saying that little man with the something over his face and pinned by your explicit set of butt cheeks is very secure in your opinion.

And I stand by what I said.
That is another generalization by you. Being insecure is not a submissive trait and yes, my sub is VERY secure in who and what he is.

I am starting to think that is YOU who is insecure with who and what you are that is why you keep making these wild generalizations about what a dom and sub are.

Or perhaps it simply that you like attracting insecure and weak submissive women so you assume that that is how all women are.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/5/2013 1:27:38 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 42

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 1:26:28 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw
So by YOUR definition if a man or woman has a moment of insecurity they are not capable of controlling or dominating someone else?

The blanket assessment about submissives being insecure speaks to me of the sort of submissives Arturas attracts. But this bit here... this I resonate with. I can tell you that I find it very hard to be a leader in any context at all when I am doubting myself. Sure, if I have to I stuff it and move on but it makes the level of difficulty about 10x more.

I agree, that his blanket statements do say a lot about him.

But let me ask you this Jeff.

If you have a situation come up where you feel insecure about your ability in a certain situation. Lets say, your ability to paint or cook.

Does that moment or situation define you?

Does you being insecure in THAT situation mean you are no longer a dominant man, a leader in every other situation?

Does that mean you are weak?

Would Carol see you that way?

Or does it make you look at the situation ask why you feel insecure? (do you look at it as a symptom)

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/5/2013 1:29:36 PM >

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(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 43

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 2:17:02 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

I read his comment differently than you did. I was thinking "in the moment". You are thinking "as a life experience". Anyone who is "secure" as an entire life experience probably needs to try harder at life :)

So I would say that if in this moment I am having self doubts and insecurity then it's hard to be a leader in this moment. I would also say that if I generally/usually am in that state it'd be hard to lead at all.

Actually, this is one of the big challenges of leadership. Someone nods and says, "Fine you lead". So you do.... and suddenly you're out in the freakin swamp with alligators licking their lips and eyeing you hungrily and frequently you are entirely alone. It is at that moment when you have to get past the obvious insecurity, fear and doubt and continue leading back to dry land again. Obviously, the bigger the leadership context and the more on the line the more troublesome this becomes -- up to a certain size anyway. After that such issues don't matter to the leader in question.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 44

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 8:05:54 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I personally find it humbling when Master has an insecure moment. It brings us closer together I think. We communicate about it, we stand by each other. It gives me an opportunity to find out what's going on with him and to feel as if I can help him to get through it even if that just means giving him someone to rant to about it. It shows me that he's just a human being like anyone else and that he is ok with being human and doesn't feel a need to hide his feelings and emotions just because he is my Master. It brings us both down to a more realistic life.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 45

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/5/2013 9:52:38 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

LS, I don't know why you even bother to try to point out reality to Arturas. He is so obviously out of touch, it is almost laughable.

To the OP, I don't recommend you follow any advice given by the above mentioned poster. He is a male chauvinist who has limited experience with women and tends to live in some fantasy BDSM world. Listening to him is a sure way to do things that 99% of the BDSM community would find unappealing.

Bad advice is not simply bad advice. It can put someone in a dangerous situation or worse, make a person think any personal issues (such as the OP's insecurity and feeling undesirable) are "normal" to a particular side of the kneel (most subs are insecure? Complete and utter bullshit) that prevent them from dealing with them and encourages them to meet asshats who will thrive off those insecurities and make them worse.

ETA: Arturas' inability to figure out how secure someone has to be to be in the position your sub is in your photo is beyond needing a clue. They need a direction manual.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 6/5/2013 9:53:38 PM >

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 46

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 8:49:06 AM

bitingmylip

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/31/2013
Status: offline

Wow that was alot to take in none of that matters.now anyway... But thank you for the help everyone

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 47

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 9:04:49 AM

bitingmylip

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/31/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

If you truly feel that way then I would suggest you try to change either your perspective or your behavior.

You are polite, flawed, questioning, curious, brave, cowardly, you do dumb stuff and smart stuff .. hmm.. you appear to have most of the traits that other humans have .. why would you think that being desirable would not be among them. You have a face Botticelli would have captured in marble and called art. Perhaps not everyone would desire you but you don't need the whole world at your feet do you?

If you don't see yourself as desirable, dig deeper because you're missing stuff. When you finally discover the good stuff, that'll be enough and you really won't even have to advertise cuz it already shines through. Good luck sweetie.

Thank you very much but my insecurity come from veing overweight not my face im trying hard to change it but certain things are limiting my ability ive become less insecure about it but when im alone at.night trying to sleep my mind begins picking apart everything and i take two steps back but once again thank you

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 48

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 9:16:17 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I personally find it humbling when Master has an insecure moment. It brings us closer together I think. It gives me an opportunity to find out what's going on with him and to feel as if I can help him to get through it...

And from my standpoint as the leader that is a beautiful moment. You wade out into the swamp and all the alligators are licking their chops. You probably have NO idea how comforting it is (for me anyway), to glance over my shoulder and find the rest of the team there, ready, and supportive even if I am feeling a bit lost and "why the fuck did I lead us into this swamp?"

For me, at least, there's an awful lot of "aloneness" at the top. Moments like that help alleviate it.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 49

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 9:20:03 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
Wow that was alot to take in none of that matters.now anyway... But thank you for the help everyone

Heh... apparently we all have a lot to say about being insecure :)

Weight... weight is the curse of america. I just met this phillipina woman and we were talking about how she had some friends who moved to the states. In a handful of months the friend went from 95lbs to 140lbs. The american food supply and lifestyle is toxic. Try to remember that... it's not you. You still have to deal with it, of course, because that's where you live. But in the end, if moving from Saudi Arabia to the US can cause a woman to gain almost half her body weight in a few months then there's something wrong in the environment.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 50

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 9:50:08 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
In a handful of months the friend went from 95lbs to 140lbs. The american food supply and lifestyle is toxic. Try to remember that... it's not you.

Absolutely.

I went from 135lbs to 190lbs in virtually no time after moving to the US from Europe.

Nothing in my exercise regime, portion size, or types of food chosen really changed. In fact, the main thing that changed is that I was always hungry, despite eating the same type of food, and the same portion sizes I had done back home.

The food itself is toxic here.

Just cutting high fructose corn syrup out of my diet completely I've dropped 25lbs, again, without changing anything else.

Don't try to diet, don't try to eat less, don't try to eliminate certain food groups, don't try to eliminate fat, or carbs, or sugars... eat anything you like, but make sure it's made out of basic ingredients. Cut the crap, and the additives, and the artificial sweeteners out of your diet... you'll start to FEEL better within days, and will loose weight without trying to boot.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 51

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 9:58:24 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I personally find it humbling when Master has an insecure moment.

No wonder you talk so proud :-)

_____________________________

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HST

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 52

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 10:06:20 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
The food itself is toxic here.
Just cutting high fructose corn syrup out of my diet completely I've dropped 25lbs, again, without changing anything else.

Heh... have no fears. The FDA is going to prevent you from doing that. Wasn't "high fructose corn syrup" one of the ingredients currently being lobbied to be included under the definition of "100% pure whole milk". The bottom line is the agency charged with protecting the food supply is, instead, poisoning it because it's good for profits.. presumably food profits but also drug profits.

edited to add
Oh... and if they are considering what can be added into milk and still call it "pure milk" then you gotta wonder what else is already hidden.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 6/6/2013 10:07:16 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 53

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 10:11:48 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

All Do's must be secure in themselves before controling others.
Most subs I know are smart, capable and self aware.

So by YOUR definition if a man or woman has a moment of insecurity they are not capable of controlling or dominating someone else?

Again, since when do YOU get to decide what ALL dominant must be or not be?

Why do you say "moment of insecurity"?
I don't get to decide. Do you know any insecure Doms and how does one submit to an weak Dom, is it easier?

Could you ask tammy that and get back to us please. It is a question that should be answered, and perhaps will give us all a greater understanding of the OP's predicament.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 54

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 12:17:44 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Ok, I'm kinda with the gang on this one.

You're too young to get the star wars reference when I say "this is not the dom you are looking for"

But that is certainly the impression I'm getting.

And don't worry. You're as hot as hell, you don't exactly live in a remote region.

I'd say you should bail, learn to enjoy your own company, take a night class in Art History, and if you really still feel insecure then consider therapy- you are way too young and lovely to be ridden with angst.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 55

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 3:24:57 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Since I know of no Doms who must be topped from the bottom or Dom women who can actually control strong men, then insecurity seems not to run in male Doms but does characterize female Doms. In general.

Jeezus pleezus Art, who the hell have YOU been hanging with? My submissive partners are strong, secure men. If they weren't I'd have nothing to do with them. I am a strong, secure, dominant woman. If I wasn't, they'd have nothing to do with me. So from where I sit, your logic is circling the drain.

To the OP: honey, look at yourself in the mirror. You're precious. Do what you need to to feel a strong sense of self. Being submissive to a partner does not mean you're weak, can't have opinions, or need someone to micromanage you. You have a mind of your own. A good partner will encourage you to work together to play to each of his and your strengths, including supporting each other in our human foibles and moments of less-than-greatness. We all have them no matter our orientation.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 6/6/2013 3:38:41 PM >

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 56

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 4:35:04 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Subs tend to be insecure

Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't at some level?

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 57

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 4:37:04 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

If you truly feel that way then I would suggest you try to change either your perspective or your behavior.

You are polite, flawed, questioning, curious, brave, cowardly, you do dumb stuff and smart stuff .. hmm.. you appear to have most of the traits that other humans have .. why would you think that being desirable would not be among them. You have a face Botticelli would have captured in marble and called art. Perhaps not everyone would desire you but you don't need the whole world at your feet do you?

If you don't see yourself as desirable, dig deeper because you're missing stuff. When you finally discover the good stuff, that'll be enough and you really won't even have to advertise cuz it already shines through. Good luck sweetie.

Truly awesome post!

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 58

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 5:27:43 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
My insecurities are because i dont see myself as desirable

If you truly feel that way then I would suggest you try to change either your perspective or your behavior.

You are polite, flawed, questioning, curious, brave, cowardly, you do dumb stuff and smart stuff .. hmm.. you appear to have most of the traits that other humans have .. why would you think that being desirable would not be among them. You have a face Botticelli would have captured in marble and called art. Perhaps not everyone would desire you but you don't need the whole world at your feet do you?

If you don't see yourself as desirable, dig deeper because you're missing stuff. When you finally discover the good stuff, that'll be enough and you really won't even have to advertise cuz it already shines through. Good luck sweetie.

Thank you very much but my insecurity come from veing overweight not my face im trying hard to change it but certain things are limiting my ability ive become less insecure about it but when im alone at.night trying to sleep my mind begins picking apart everything and i take two steps back but once again thank you

My guess is there are plenty of people who would find you very attractive at your current weight.
There are some who would feel neutral about your weight.
There will be some people for whom your weight would be an issue and an even smaller group for whom your weight would be THE issue.

But you are much more than a number on a scale or a dress size.

There are a fair number of women (and men) on CM who are not at their ideal weights.
And yet, many of the non-slim posters are funny or wise or compassionate or bright... and their posts are the ones I love reading.
Some people on here have had a lot of success losing weight.
(But their worth as posters does not come from that success. They are however, great cheerleaders of other people's efforts.)

It is not at all unimportant how you view yourself.
But truly, your weight is not the problem.
How you see yourself is.

A suggestion: when you are picking things apart, stop doing that.
Redirect yourself to the brighter parts of your day and the good you did that day.
If you learned something or came to a new awareness about yourself, or did something nice for someone else... stop picking yourself apart and focus on the good things.

Edit: clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/6/2013 5:47:26 PM >

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(in reply to bitingmylip)

Post #: 59

RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/6/2013 5:33:34 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
If you truly feel that way then I would suggest you try to change either your perspective or your behavior.

You are polite, flawed, questioning, curious, brave, cowardly, you do dumb stuff and smart stuff .. hmm.. you appear to have most of the traits that other humans have .. why would you think that being desirable would not be among them. You have a face Botticelli would have captured in marble and called art. Perhaps not everyone would desire you but you don't need the whole world at your feet do you?

If you don't see yourself as desirable, dig deeper because you're missing stuff. When you finally discover the good stuff, that'll be enough and you really won't even have to advertise cuz it already shines through. Good luck sweetie.

HOLY FUCKING CRAP!

I wish I had seen this the first time through. GREAT, GREAT post Bita.

I mean sheez... OK I'm the first to admit my size range runs up to about 14 or so before sexual attraction peters out. But "desireable" is a broader word by far and I agree I'm seeing a fair number of "desirable" qualities here (including that great description of her face). Then, of course, is the little fact that just because MY size range tops out at some particular number doesn't mean someone else's doesn't go much, much higher.

We all know that most men would prefer the proverbial slim, 21 year old swimsuit model. That's OK, most women would prefer Bill Gates. I ain't Bill and I don't have his money. I found a pretty nice wife. At the physical appearance level I'd call us both pretty average. At the happiness level I'd say we are both well above average.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 60

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