But I made a commitment??? (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:35:36 AM)

I have a friend who accepted a collar from the "Dominant of her dreams" only to find out that he is seriously lacking as a human being. In their courtship he was "all she had ever hoped for". Granted, he was on his best behavior and showed only the "gentlemanly" side of himself. They have been together for a couple of years now and his "true colors" are in full show. At this point she is utterly embarassed to go anywhere in public with him. He is a snob who treats everyone as though they are but shit on his shoes. He is a racist and constantly makes racist remarks. He treats service people rudely. Every time he opens his mouth you can see the fear in her eyes as to what he is going to say. He doesn't care one whit what anyone thinks of his obnoxious arrogance.

I have asked her why it is that she stays with him. Her answer...."because I made a commitment".

I have seen many times, both in real life and on here, where a submissive is clearly unhappy with "who" their Dominant is...and yet they stay because "they made a commitment". I have seen countless women stay in situations that are abusive...."because they made a commitment".

My question is just exactly at what point would your "commitment" be negated for you?



meatcleaver -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:39:17 AM)

Countless men stay with women for no good reason. It is a person thing. It's pointless trying to work out why one person stays with another, even with both sides of the story, I doubt any sense can be made of the situation.



becca333 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:40:56 AM)

When there's no respect, it's time to move on.



shivvy -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:41:47 AM)

i think my first response would be when my commitment adversly affected somebody other than myself, like my daughter. It's my commitment, and we can't help who we luv and serve. and if i made a mistake and committed to the wrong person, then that's my fault, but not my daughters, so i would try my very hardest to make it work, regardless to how it affected me, as long as there woz no adverse affects on others.



warbaby1943 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:42:06 AM)

When the situation became abusive, affected my health, no longer cared for the other person involved, and most importantly if there were children in the relationship and their well being was affected.



Wulfchyld -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:42:09 AM)

Holy smoke erin. I think the commitment to her health and well being should come first. It really sounds to me that it has came down to each moment breaking her down further and further. I can understand her reticence as well as her hesitation to break her commitment but I really think there is going to be no negotiations or change for them. I would rather see her shamed for breaking her commitment than broken and miserable.



ArtimisBlack -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:44:25 AM)

When the commitment to make things work is no longer held by more then 1 party it's time to move on. Has she discussed his rude behavior with him?



mistoferin -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:46:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack
Has she discussed his rude behavior with him?


Yup....lots of people have tried.



LadyDomN8 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:49:14 AM)

I went through something like this myself. And I had a hard time leaving the situation. What it finally came down to in my head is the person i wished to serve was no longer there. I doubted he ever really was. It is easy to be commeted to the person we THINK someone can be. Unfortunately realtity is sometimes different. If the person you made the commitment to is not the person you are dealing with, then the commitment is non existent.



MistressOfGa -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:49:22 AM)

Erin,
Excellent question. Once the person that you have commited yourself to, changes so drastically that he/she is no longer the person you made that commitment with, then all bets are off. I have lived with "pods" (From Invasion Of The Body Snatchers) before, where they have just changed so much that I hardly knew the person anymore and I have left them for that reason. I understand that life changes people but this was rediculous.
I guess I would put the question back to her, how much is she willing to put up with in the name of that commitment? He would not be long in my life if his behavior continues. But that is just me. I hate ignorance.

Edited to add: Read RavenMuse's tag line, that says it all <s>



Driver1961 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:51:10 AM)

He smiles to all.

It seems to me through my years of adjudicating abusive and violent Domestic situations that unfortunately it's the submissive woman that is the abused woman.... The Lifestyle offers real sanctuary, healing and growth with the right Dom.  Unfortunately she has to realize this Dom does not have her growth in mind, there is a lack of respect and definite inequality within her relationship.

Your friend will one day realize this, accept that living to a broken committment is stupidity and act.  Your support meantime is fantastic. 



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:52:35 AM)

For me, it's when the person I am with is not worth honoring the commitment made. Honoring the commitment to someone that is worthless makes that commitment worthless. Twisted? Maybe.



zenofeller -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:55:48 AM)

i must be missing something. collared slave objects to the master's manners to third parties ?

even in a vanilla marriage thingy, you can't divorce someone for being rude unless they're rude to you, or at very least family. but for being rude to the help ?!

i don't see that it's the place of the submissive to question the master's interaction with third parties. and i'm not sure what the op means by "accepted a collar", but if it does mean the 24/7 slavery, well then, punishment is probably in order.

and what's the problem with the slave's fear every time the dom opens his mouth ? wasn't that sorta the point ?

do you have some personal interest in all this mist ? like maybe figuring you'd rather have the slave for yourself ? is this part of some sort of fucking around with other people's slaves ? because otherwise it really doesn't make any sense.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:58:38 AM)

quote:

My question is just exactly at what point would your "commitment" be negated for you?

When I was no longer being fulfilled in who I am and true to myself.

I know it might be considered the height of selfishness, but I make a commitment to be true to myself and give myself the opportunity to be fulfilled BEFORE any other commitments.

After all, if I do not love myself, if I do not offer myself that opportunity- then anything else is pointless, and TRULY selfish in the long term- preventing anyone from being fulfilled.

It's a point of conceit and self-centeredness, as well as a common martyr position that women take, that they must sacrifice all to hold their honor.

If they truly believe this- then they should be happy with that sacrifice and accepting of their choices and values.  The problem is- they aren't really happy with their sacrifice and thus trap themselves within this illusory construct of honor and respect.

To settle for misery says that you are telling yourself that this is what you deserve- you deserve to be miserable.  She has to admit she made a mistake in the first place and forgive herself for it.  She has to decide whether this commitment is being true to her FULL self or denying it.

Hardships affect us all- notice that I make a point about being true to myself and being FULFILLED- fulfillment goes beyond the mood swings of the day, or having a rough patch. 



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 7:58:44 AM)

I think someone needs a glass belly-botton so he might read the OP clearer.



missturbation -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 8:01:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Every time he opens his mouth you can see the fear in her eyes as to what he is going to say. He doesn't care one whit what anyone thinks of his obnoxious arrogance.

I have asked her why it is that she stays with him. Her answer...."because I made a commitment".

I have seen countless women stay in situations that are abusive...."because they made a commitment".

My question is just exactly at what point would your "commitment" be negated for you?


In my opinion part of the problem here may be the fact she is scared to end her commitment with him. Countless women may say they are staying because they made a commitment but i know from personal experience that i stayed from pure fear and more than once.
People ask the question 'why dont they leave?' - they don't leave because they are scared too - simple as that.
Maybe you could look at ways of trying to help her leave, find ing somewhere safe for her to be if it turns out that her fear is the thing keeping her there.
 



happypervert -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 8:04:52 AM)

There is a behavior you often see in government or corporations called "escalation of commitment". This happens when the managers make a decision to start a project and they continue to plunge ahead with a project even after new information shows it is wrong because they won't admit they were wrong. A related excuse is to say "Look at all the money we've invested -- we can't quit now!", and then waste even more money instead of cutting losses and moving on.

Behavior in relationships is similar. How much more honorable it sounds to stay in a bad relationship by saying "I've made a commitment" instead of admiting to a dumb mistake and walking away. Problem is that once you start justifying your own dumb behavior as being honorable you have also defined getting the hell out as dishonorable. It really takes reframing getting out as being the smart thing to do, and forget about self-imposed definitions of honor.



akisha -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 8:06:30 AM)

I agree with MrDiscipline, LA and MoGa.

If I could no longer stand the person I was with I would leave. If you look at them all all you feel is irritation or disgust it is definately time to go.



hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 8:06:59 AM)

I honestly can't say when I would walk away from that sort of situation, unless it comes to a point where it puts my smalls at risk.
 
I've been there a couple of times.  One put the smalls at risk, I left in a hurry to protect them.  The other didn't put the smalls at risk of anything other than having a mother who hated herself, and would rather have been shot in her sleep in a random drive by than to get up every morning and face more of the same.  That one I didn't walk away from, though I no doubt Should have.  I had made a commitment and given my word - regardless of what sort of problems we encountered, *I would not walk away and cease working on solving those problems.  It was very much a matter of honor for me that I follow through on my given word, no matter how much it hurt or harmed ME, as long as it didn't harm my kids. 
 
I can give all the standard excuses for staying, and some of them are even honest.  I was honestly afraid for my OWN life, if I tried to leave. (Yes, he was the type who would have hunted me down and made me "pay for it" physically.)  I Wanted to believe it was salvagable.  I Wanted to believe that things would get better, if I simply tried hard enough.
 
In the end, I didn't find out what it would take ME to leave, because he moved on to his next victim - she offered more opportunity than I was offering at that point, since I had cut him off financially and had given an ultimatum. (One which I honestly admit I have no idea if I would have carried through on it, though at the time I definately intended to do so, even if it had to be done at gunpoint.)  Since my smalls are no longer a consideration (thank the ghods for small favors) - it's only my own well being that I have to concern myself with now, and I won't know for certain how I'm going to handle it unless the situation shows it's ugly head again in the future.  All I know of a certainty is that I have changed significantly since the last time, and it may take a lot Less to make me walk away in the future.



mistoferin -> RE: But I made a commitment??? (6/26/2006 8:15:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
In my opinion part of the problem here may be the fact she is scared to end her commitment with him. Countless women may say they are staying because they made a commitment but i know from personal experience that i stayed from pure fear and more than once.
People ask the question 'why dont they leave?' - they don't leave because they are scared too - simple as that.
Maybe you could look at ways of trying to help her leave, find ing somewhere safe for her to be if it turns out that her fear is the thing keeping her there. 


Believe me, as a former Domestic Violence Counselor, I have thoroughly covered that ground with her. He is not physically abusive to her and although he treats her in a ways that I would view as condescending...her answer to that is "Just because the woman in the cosmetics department sprays perfume on me doesn't mean I have to buy it". The fear I see in her eyes is for the people who are subjected to his poisonous tongue....and of the embarassment of being associated with him.

She is a woman who has worked hard in life and has been quite successful, so he has no financial hold over her. If she made the choice to leave him, in all honesty she would be better equipped to start anew than he is.



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