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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:19:33 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
But honestly, my feelings about it still stand. I don't think that a man saying he's busy (instead of letting a woman go altogether) is him being an asshole. He just may want to keep her around, for whatever reason, but just not as a priority in his life. Does that equate to him being an asshole? I don't think so.

Thanks Kaliko.

In my opinion it equates him to being an asshole if you are big into bigotry and gender bias. Otherwise it equates to whatever it equates to. I just was "too busy" for a woman because... you know... I was too busy. I regret that. I wish I had the time and I'm still trying to find some. But the bottom line is that I have too much shit going on in my life right now and that's what I told her. Perhaps I should have lied, right? That'd make me a non-asshole?


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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:33:41 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you. If he has three hours to watch baseball at night, he has ten minutes to call and chat.

Basically, boiled down - don't make someone a priority who makes you an option.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:38:00 PM   
Kaliko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you. If he has three hours to watch baseball at night, he has ten minutes to call and chat.

Basically, boiled down - don't make someone a priority who makes you an option.



I don't agree. He should be able to watch a baseball game for three hours without having to watch the clock to tell me he misses me. I don't think that makes me an option. I think that just means...he's watching a game.


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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:40:05 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you.

Oh, I totally agree.. and that's exactly what I told my woman on the side. So does that make me an asshole?

edited to respond to kaliko's post above
I'm assuming here we are not talking childish antics like "3 hours". I was assuming "too busy" in some sort of reasonable bigger picture. Man, if some woman was on me about one baseball game (not a repeat thing) I'd be thinking "psycho stalker chick". I'm pretty sure Des is referring to more significant too busy's.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 6/9/2013 5:42:50 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:47:59 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		NO, it makes you honest. If she had wanted to convince you that she could be happy with the limited amount of time you had to give her, she could try and do that. Lieing and stringing a woman along when you don't want to put time into her is being an asshole. For instance, I am somewhat gullible. I assume people tell me the truth. I once started a relationship with a man about 100 miles from me. He stood me up several times, always with really great excuses. Not good excuses - I'm talking, I want this man in my life great excuses. Like the boy he was surrogate father to needed him to go to his baseball game, he volunteered for a dog rescue and needed to drive several states away to rescue some dogs he was gonna foster - that kind of stuff. Only it happened to often. To me that just said he was too busy for me, and I told him so. My mother said nobody had those kind of good excuses really happen half a dozen time in six months time. If I was right, he was just a nice guy who didn't have time for a relationship. If my mom was right, then he was an asshole for lying and trying to keep me around without devoting the necessary time to it.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:50:31 PM   
tazzygirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

But honestly, my feelings about it still stand. I don't think that a man saying he's busy (instead of letting a woman go altogether) is him being an asshole. He just may want to keep her around, for whatever reason, but just not as a priority in his life. Does that equate to him being an asshole? I don't think so.





I think it makes him an asshole if he knows she believes there to be more.


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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:55:55 PM   
tazzygirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you. If he has three hours to watch baseball at night, he has ten minutes to call and chat.

Basically, boiled down - don't make someone a priority who makes you an option.


I agree with you... however... some will think priority means an hourly check in. Others think its monthly.

Myself, its daily... just once... I dont even need a conversation... just some word.

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Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 5:56:43 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
NO, it makes you honest.

*nods* That's how I saw it too. I kind of like things like honor, integrity, honesty, and the like. Obviously you and Kaliko would be the sort of women I'd want in my circle of friends or my bed. It's interesting how hard it's getting to find such women -- at least on the internet.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 6/9/2013 5:59:27 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 6:09:21 PM   
MsEloquence


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you. If he has three hours to watch baseball at night, he has ten minutes to call and chat.




Yes, and I'd add that (local) people too busy to meet are also too busy for a relationship.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 6:24:45 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

LOL or maybe just very honest.


Yes, he is honest. I don't think you are an asshole if you tell the truth when it comes to dating behavior. He has no reason not to be; he is happily married after many years of dating disasters. And, remember, the title of the book has become part of our lexicon. So something is true about it.


It should not have to be stated, posted or questioned to adults, but it seems many do not understand this concept by virtue of reading all the posts here about why doesn't the Dom I slept with 2 months ago call me, or it is normal for a Dom to ignore a sub, blah, blah, blah.

It does have to be stated when you love someone and they are not treating you well and you wonder why (or know why, but don't want to admit it).

You may want to call it the rules or just another book, but the bottom line is that if a man or woman wants to be with you, they WILL MAKE THE TIME. There is no quicker way for someone to turn me off of seeing them than to hear I am too busy. It may be someone is too busy to physically see you, but no one, NO ONE, is too busy to stay in touch and show someone they care.

For everyone who is saying it is ok for the person to be busy, let's be real: we are all busy in life. Some of us make time for those who matter. Some don't.

If someone is too busy for you, you do not matter to them, other than in a peripheral way. That may be ok if that is what you want.

So yes, the rules of dating and communication also apply to the lifestyle.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 6:30:18 PM   
Kaliko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If he really is too busy to call and say he misses you, then he's too busy to have a relationship with you.

Oh, I totally agree.. and that's exactly what I told my woman on the side. So does that make me an asshole?

edited to respond to kaliko's post above
I'm assuming here we are not talking childish antics like "3 hours". I was assuming "too busy" in some sort of reasonable bigger picture. Man, if some woman was on me about one baseball game (not a repeat thing) I'd be thinking "psycho stalker chick". I'm pretty sure Des is referring to more significant too busy's.


Yes. But just as she (I think) meant that in a larger picture, so did I.

I do understand the importance of communication. Awareness is in New Zealand, for goodness' sake. Believe me, those daily bits in between visits are priceless. But it doesn't always happen, and he's not an asshole for it, nor am I an "option."

I think, though, that the "rules" in the original post are referring to getting to know someone and determining whether he's all that into you in the first place. I mean, once we're at the point of looking for and expecting daily communication, we already know we're into each other. But before that stage, no...I don't think that not calling a woman means a man is an asshole. It could mean that, sure. And I've experienced that myself. But he could just not want to call at that moment. Or that day. Or that week. So? If I'm sitting around pining for him and waiting for him to call, then shame on me. That doesn't make him a bad person.






< Message edited by Kaliko -- 6/9/2013 6:33:08 PM >

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 6:35:06 PM   
tazzygirl


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quote:

You may want to call it the rules or just another book, but the bottom line is that if a man or woman wants to be with you, they WILL MAKE THE TIME. There is no quicker way for someone to turn me off of seeing them than to hear I am too busy. It may be someone is too busy to physically see you, but no one, NO ONE, is too busy to stay in touch and show someone they care.


My ex's job was a bitch just before holidays (plant supervisor). He worked 16 hours a day... sometimes 6 days a week. But, living with him, it was easy to see his schedule and know that, physically, the man simply was too busy. We ended up leaving notes for each other, answered when we got the chance.

I imagine it would be much harder for someone he was simply dating and not living with. But I dont ever remember complaining he was too busy during those times.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 6:39:38 PM   
Baroana


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

You may want to call it the rules or just another book, but the bottom line is that if a man or woman wants to be with you, they WILL MAKE THE TIME. There is no quicker way for someone to turn me off of seeing them than to hear I am too busy. It may be someone is too busy to physically see you, but no one, NO ONE, is too busy to stay in touch and show someone they care.


My ex's job was a bitch just before holidays (plant supervisor). He worked 16 hours a day... sometimes 6 days a week. But, living with him, it was easy to see his schedule and know that, physically, the man simply was too busy. We ended up leaving notes for each other, answered when we got the chance.

I imagine it would be much harder for someone he was simply dating and not living with. But I dont ever remember complaining he was too busy during those times.



You can tell when someone is trying their best and when they aren't. There's a line in "Scrubs" that I like: "I promise that when I have a choice, I will always choose you."

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 7:41:51 PM   
Spiritedsub2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
...

For everyone who is saying it is ok for the person to be busy, let's be real: we are all busy in life. Some of us make time for those who matter. Some don't.

If someone is too busy for you, you do not matter to them, other than in a peripheral way. That may be ok if that is what you want.


This, 100% ^^^
In my opinion only, anything else is deception, by self or by the other.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 7:48:07 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me those things were the same no matter who I was dating and the not calling every single day, I kinda got used to that from my husband being in the military and I would have to go weeks without hearing anything. Back then the internet and cell phones were not really around.


Yep, when we dated then first married it was the early 90's. He was in artillery and Ft Carson had a huge training field. He would go for weeks at a time and maybe if his CO was feeling nice he would let them go home on the weekend. If he was in a pissy mood then forget it.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 7:49:56 PM   
littlewonder


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me those things were the same no matter who I was dating and the not calling every single day, I kinda got used to that from my husband being in the military and I would have to go weeks without hearing anything. Back then the internet and cell phones were not really around.


Yep, when we dated then first married it was the early 90's. He was in artillery and Ft Carson had a huge training field. He would go for weeks at a time and maybe if his CO was feeling nice he would let them go home on the weekend. If he was in a pissy mood then forget it.


Ha...I remember those days. Same thing happened to him. There were times he'd pay the guard at the door to his commanding officer's office, a pack of cigs to let him use the phone to call me for 5 mins.

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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 8:10:07 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		awww Back then a carton of cigarettes bought on post was cheaper then a pack costs today. We had a lot of fun back then in spite of the army. I was still living with my mom when we first started seeing each other. I would go home from school looking like the world was about to end. My mom would ask what on earth was wrong and I would sigh overdramatically and say he's gone for the whole week with no phone. When we moved in together we had to hurry because he was going on maneuvers for 3 weeks.



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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 11:25:56 PM   
inchargeinca


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Joined: 5/26/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl


So, my question... for EVERYBODY (cus I dont believe in saying someone cant respond to a post)... do the rules of dating apply to lifestyle relationships?




I come from a completely different view point than you. I don't think there are any real "rules of dating." Heck, I don't think life has many rules. Each relationship, be it vanilla or BDSM, creates its own rules.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/10/2013 12:01:52 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		lol.. I dont think I have stated completely my point of view. But thank you for sharing yours.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to inchargeinca)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/10/2013 12:35:24 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


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Status: offline 		FR

I would say my OWN personal rules of dating still apply whether there's D/s or kink involved or not.

I don't really believe in there being a set of rules that apply to dating in general, beyond 'try not to dick people around', but I don't think people should adjust their personal standards because the other person is dominant/submissive. If something would put me off a vanilla guy, it's going to put me off a dom too.

If a guy was too busy to talk to me regularly then I would walk away. Whether I considered him an asshole would depend on the circumstances. A guy who did what Jeff did and said he didn't have the time to devote to a relationship, I'd appreciate the honesty. A guy who just constantly forgot to call when promised, or only made time for me when he wanted sex, or cancelled dates repeatedly without really good excuses - yeh I might think he was a bit of an asshole. I'd still be glad to find that out in the dating stage. A guy who only wanted two dates a month because of his hectic schedule - I wouldn't blame him, but it wouldn't be enough for me. I think all the guy owes me is to be honest about what he can offer, so I can decide if that's enough.

Other things that I would consider my own personal rules of dating:
- Treat the service staff with decency
- Don't spend the whole time bitching about your ex
- Make an effort
- Don't get blind drunk
etc
They all still apply if the guy is dominant. If I felt someone was treating me as less-than, they're gone.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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