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How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:22:53 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Well, I'm new to this world and now, for the first time since I knew I was a Dominant, I decided to look for a slavegirl... but I have no experience and I don't really know how to begin a D/s relationship, what to do with a slave, how to do a BDSM session... So I'm a little bit afraid, I'm afraid I won't manage to create a good Dom/sub relationship... so what could I do? How could I get a little bit experienced? Thanks to everyone who'll reply :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:35:34 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		First I want to commend you on realizing that as a new dominant, you have much to learn. The CM forums are a good place to start. Once you learn how to use the clunky search feature, you can pull up threads to read.

There is also a book list floating around, it's on a sticky (the top thread) in on of the subsections, and worth looking for. I know it may seem strange to look for a book on how to do BDSM, but the relationship part is very crucial, and many of them will help with that.

Nothing beats first hand experience when it comes to learning how to use a flogger or some other implement. So if you can, get in touch with your local community. Finding a mentor would be ideal.

You are in Europe, so you should be able to find a group you can relate to.

Start slow, keep learning, and welcome to the CM forums.

_____________________________



(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:39:13 AM   
Airlia


Posts: 42
Joined: 12/9/2012
Status: offline 		At times I have the tendency to categorize myself as a switch. This means you have both submissive and dominant stances. When you are young, living in a vanilla stereotypical society it can be hard to both try these types of plays out, and enhance the possibilities. I suggest you read journals, look at images, check out tumblr. You're doing a good thing by asking about it. I don't suggest you rush into a serious relationship but find something and someone stable. If anything, literature educates. There is a lot of literotica out there.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:40:47 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Here is the book thread Chatte was posting about.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:41:11 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you, ChatteParfaitt :) Yes, I know I have a lot to learn and that's the reason why I'm there... I hope that staying there and talking with other BDSMers will set me free from fear I have when I think about the first time I'll meet a slave :) I'll try to get in touch with the local community, even if where I live there are not lots of places in which BDSMers can meet...

I will wait and learn... and then, when I'll feel I'm ready, I'll begin :)

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:43:08 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		And here is a link to fetlife.... it holds a list of the groups there for Italy.

https://fetlife.com/search/groups?q=italy

The site is free to join if you havent already.

Good luck!

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:43:48 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		I'll read some literotica and I've already read some books in the past years... but there is not a difference between books and reality?

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:44:53 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Exploring yourself first is always a great place to start. Training your mind, discovering your desires, exploring your needs.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:45:08 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you Tazzygirl :) I'll take a look on Fetlife... I've been there some time ago but I found very little users from Italy... now I'll go and try again :)

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:49:45 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		There is huge difference between erotica and porn and real time BDSM. Erotica and porn are entirely fantasy based. Real time BDSM relationships have to deal with real time issues, like who's going to pay the bills, and clean the cat box, and cook the meals. Younger people are more likely to be in school, which has another set of priorities.

You can't expect your slave girl to be kneeling at your feet adoringly when she has 200 pages of reading to get through, a paper due, and a test in two days.

See if you can get yourself a copy of 'The Loving Dominant' -- a book that will help you codify what type of dominant you are and how you'd like to behave within a relationship.

_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 5:59:33 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you for the tip, ChatteParfaitt, I will look for that book :)

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 6:32:31 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Do you recommend anybooks for submissives?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 6:57:04 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Read some good books. Getting advice on the internet is like watching Jerry Springer and trying to derive something educational from it.

Join the leather community, go to events, meetings and munches, make friends, observe how those people with successful leather relationships conduct themselves and structure their dynamics.

Look for a mentor.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 7:28:34 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		So I have to read and to watch other BDSMers and learn from them... Many of you write that I need a Mentor... what do you mean exactly with it? Is he someone more similar to a "teacher" or someone who gives advices using his experience?

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 7:31:42 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		@ goodgirlmary "Secretary" was a good movie about submission... and I read somewhere that it was inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill... I didn't read the book, but if it is interesting as the movie was, it could be a good thing to read about submission :)

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 7:43:50 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom
Well, I'm new to this world and now, for the first time since I knew I was a Dominant, I decided to look for a slavegirl...

Let's start out with what you mean by a "slave girl". What is it that you are hoping to get? What sort of relationship do you envision after you have her? What's a "day in the life" look like?

quote:

but I have no experience and I don't really know how to begin a D/s relationship,

You go out. You meet some woman. She likes you. You like her. There's a flush of the skin and pupils dilate. You know... humans have been doing this for as long as there have been humans. The only "addition" here (which isn't really an addition to anything) is that you intend to be the authority figure in the relationship in some way or the other.


quote:

what to do with a slave

As a general rule of thumb it's a bad idea to acquire property that you don't have a use for. If you had no idea what to do with a car would you buy one?

quote:

So I'm a little bit afraid, I'm afraid I won't manage to create a good Dom/sub relationship... so what could I do? How could I get a little bit experienced? Thanks to everyone who'll reply :)

Again, I need to know what you mean by a Dom/sub relationship and/or a "slave girl". But in general you create a "good relationship" by being a good person who is willing to prioritize the relationship over the individuals within it. Find a like minded partner and rock on.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 7:55:39 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		JeffBC, I'll try to answer... My way of thinking about D/s is made by movie I saw and books I read, so it may be a little bit unreal... I'm very interested in dog training, I'd like to teach my slavegirl to act as a dog, to stay naked and bark instead of talking... I'm not very interested in the physical part of BDSM... I think that punishment should be only a way of correction during the training, nothing more... but I am also interested in a softer way of domination, that is focused on serving the Master but without the animal training part... I watched some movies about pet training(there was a 2007 movie that was called "the pet" in which the main character became a dog for her Master), but I still don't know if I could manage such a relationship... then, it is not easy to find a person to begin... and it is not easy to say to a vanilla girl what are my deepest fantasies :)

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 8:33:17 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Buy two books and read them four times.

The Topping Book

The Loving Dominant

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 8:58:36 AM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

JeffBC, I'll try to answer... My way of thinking about D/s is made by movie I saw and books I read, so it may be a little bit unreal... I'm very interested in dog training, I'd like to teach my slavegirl to act as a dog, to stay naked and bark instead of talking... I'm not very interested in the physical part of BDSM... I think that punishment should be only a way of correction during the training, nothing more... but I am also interested in a softer way of domination, that is focused on serving the Master but without the animal training part... I watched some movies about pet training(there was a 2007 movie that was called "the pet" in which the main character became a dog for her Master), but I still don't know if I could manage such a relationship... then, it is not easy to find a person to begin... and it is not easy to say to a vanilla girl what are my deepest fantasies :)


I suggest tracking down you local kink groups, nightclubs and shops. Be as open and honest as you are here and you should have no problem making friends and meeting a lady. I can relate to how hard it can be to open up to a vanilla girl about your kinks. But you could take it slow and introduce her to bits and pices of your kink over time and see how it goes. All my slaves started out as vanilla girlfriends. I usually started with tie and tease play first and then just let things get kinky over time.

I wish you a ton of success. And please keep visiting here.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:05:10 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		As someone with pretty widespread experience in the scene, act EXACTLY as you have here, confident in yourself and open about being new. Works lime a charm. Pretending wont work.

(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
Profile   Post #: 20
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