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RE: submissive safety - 6/15/2013 12:07:11 PM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Lol! Very good point

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: submissive safety - 6/15/2013 1:32:53 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		It sounds like you have issues that have nothing to do with BD/SM. If you have issues with dating, with sex, if you feel you have trouble meeting people and so forth, then it goes well outside of being about meeting a dominant, you probably would have issues with meeting vanilla people, too:).

If you feel you have hangups around relationships, then my advice would be to seek out a therapist or counselor to help you get on your feet, and if sexuality is involved, find someone certified in human sexuality. It is funny, I saw a BD/SM knowledgeable therapist (she was scene herself), and I referred several people to her over supposed BD/SM issues, and it turned out in almost every case that the BD/SM wasn't the issue, other things were, bad marriages, emotional triggers, etc......the key in BD/SM is knowing yourself, what you want and are looking for, and part of that comes about by reading things like this web site....but in terms of you yourself, a therapist can help you work out the things you feel don't work, help you gain confidence, so you can actually make it happen:).

In terms of meeting someone , the best way is to get to know them first IMO before doing anything, there is nothing wrong with dating, talking to someone, for a while before ever doing anything, same with vanilla sex. One way is to get up the courage and find a local group to get to know people, ask questions and so forth, but it also is about knowing the other person, too,because if you do decide you want to explore the play side, trust is very, very important, as much or more so than vanilla sex.

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: submissive safety - 6/17/2013 5:42:25 PM   
MyWay1954


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/3/2011
Status: offline 		Simple answer, trust your gut.
The mind has a tendency to overthink and in so doing lead you astray.
Lots of good fakes out there who "sound" good but are different face to face.
If it doesn't feel right, walk away.

(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 6:17:54 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		You aren't going to do very much if you don't go out with people. Just to be clear, if you agree to meet a kinky person for the first time, you need to meet them for coffee and a piece of cake - only. You should be assessing them for a connection - physical and emotional.

After my dom died, I spent a lot of time "dating", and what I was doing was meeting men on the computer and arranging a physical meeting so I could see if there was anything there or potentially there. And yes, I was nervous every time, #1 because I am not the most outgoing person in my private life, and #2 because you never know what or who you are going to meet. I pretty much always met at Barnes and Noble - because I love to read, and there is a Starbucks in our local shop. I don't drink coffee but most do, and it gives us something to do while we are talking.
If they don't turn up, then my time isn't wasted because - dah!- i'm at a bookshop.

the point is, you have to get out there and be available. You won't have anyone pick you up on the street or at the grocery store and be the man of your dreams ( yep, I read Mills and Boone bodice rippers at your age). YOU have to be proactive. Its scary , but doable. Good luck.

oh oh - meant to add that you need to pick your men for themselves, not their kink. If you don't like the man, the kink won't be enough to sustain you. It's amazing that your own kinky part can adapt to others kinky part, so you end up with a melded kind.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 6/18/2013 6:19:48 AM >

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 6:37:22 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		I appreciate the encouragement, but its only been a few days.I think,even though it isnt what I thought it was, a lot of vanilla things end abruptly and after falsity too. Everyone keeps suggesting that you should do in kink what youd do in vanilla. In vanilla Id probably need time, so I feel its ok to take it...

< Message edited by goodgirlmary -- 6/18/2013 6:38:13 AM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 6:38:20 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		I'm going to side with the folks who say "vanilla dating first". And yes, trust your gut, chances are it's right. There are a lot of guys who hang the title "Dom" and "Master" in front of their names to up their chances of getting NSA sex. I can say this because I'm not here to try to hook up with anyone, so I feel I'm a little more objective.

Don't let anyone push you into making choices NOW. Submit when you're ready, not when they order it. Unless or until that time, you have every right to walk away. Follow the conventional rules of dating someone new: public area, no alcohol/drugs, and don't get in their vehicle until you feel safe with them, and even if you do, check the door handle before you close it to make sure it works (a good friend of mine learned that the hard way). Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, especially if you meet someone your age or older: why are you dating again? Are you married and just looking for strange on the side? If he wants to hurry and up and get to it, why is that?

When my GF and I met, we were just next-door neighbors for over a year before we started going out. She asked me a lot of hard questions like that before ever consenting to be in a room alone with me. Never get in a hurry yourself (refer to "sub frenzy"), slow down and let it play out. If he's the right one, he'll be patient as well.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 6:40:30 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Yeah, im pretty sure subfrenzy got me once lol, never again.




(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 6:41:48 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		So no one is uding the other half of this forum?

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 7:08:25 AM   
cutiewithabootie


Posts: 88
Joined: 6/16/2013
Status: offline 		Learn to LISTEN!!! Learn PATIENCE and have a healthy dose of common sense!!!!


Most people online who are liars or predators are arrogant in their anonymity. They know they can control what you do and don't know about them. So you need to learn to listen for a lie. They usually lie quickly and will start with small inconsistancys.


So don't make it easy. Ask open questions that require more then a yes or no answer. Ask questions that don't have an obvious correct answer. (EX. When was the last time you made a mistake with a submissive?) If they are trying to tell you that they have been dominant for 20 years and they are 22 years old and they NEVER made any mistake besides "loving their submissive too much" be leary.


Common sense isn't something you can really learn but rushing can interupt warning signs. I know you feel sexy and attractive by being approached by that mysterious dominant. But the good dominants like a sub with self preservation instincts. If the dominant wants to use a whip and has no previous experience offer to lend a pillow. Seriously. That's insane. Good dominants don't mind waiting to move at your pace. And they don't usually want to meet in a hotel room where you will be blindfolded and screwed and flogged without seeing your assailants...er I meant fake dominants face.


Don't rush for the first dominant you meet.hauling butt to the nearest dark alley alone in a strange city where no one knows where you are can get your ass in a sling faster then you can say "Have you seen me?" If its a bad idea while you are dating it sometimes is also a bad idea in a kinky setting too.

Don't ignore your gut instinct. Sure you may be wrong but that sick warning in the pit of your stomache can save your butt too.

My biggest advice is, go to munches where there are a lot of people. Find a group you are comfortable with and you may get invited to a play party.(As a rule I only go to play parties with more then 10 people attending. Private parties that are too small make me uncomfortable) keep your friends in public until you have seen that special Sir or Madam more then 3 times in public.


These are the things that I live by. This is what I do and I hope it helps.

Me

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 7:31:50 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Is a play party like what? In my head Im envisioning an orgy,and thats definetely not for me.Truthfully, I think Im too shy for munches. Do people actually eat at them? I think Idbeso nervous Id choke


(in reply to cutiewithabootie)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 7:50:04 AM   
cutiewithabootie


Posts: 88
Joined: 6/16/2013
Status: offline 		Eating is an option at a munch. Most munches are at a public resturaunt or place where you have likely been before. Some people in missouri like to have their munches at Denny's or Friendlys.

A play party isn't a public orgy. Sex or sexual intercourse is usually strongly discouraged. Litterally people go to teach demonstrations with a specific toy, or learn how to use a specific toy. or they go because the munch was so fun they want to stay among friends (Here in missouri a munch is sometimes followed by a private party)

Some people go because they JUST want to socialize and they want to be themselves with a like minded person.

More often then not a play party may have a domonstration or someone doing any variety of impact or other types of play. People can watch or if it makes you uncomfortable you can leave the room or the party altogether. I promise these parties are generally harmless and risky behavior is usually extremely frowned on.

Its not easy being new. But everyone here was NOT born with a flog in hand and no one was born wearing a collar. We were ALL new once and most remember what it was like.

I hope I helped

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 9:47:09 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So no one is uding the other half of this forum?


I assume you mean "using." I did, and met many talented sadists there, but more relationship-oriented men on OKCupid.


_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 9:52:42 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary

Is a play party like what? In my head Im envisioning an orgy,and thats definetely not for me.
Very few places allow sex and it's not a free for all. You don't have to play. You don't have to have play with anyone other than the person you're with. You can find a quiet corner and do your own thing. But, no, it's not an orgy.


quote:

Truthfully, I think Im too shy for munches.
I always think that's a cop out. Meeting new people, especially in a group, isn't easy, but I've always considered doing things like that as a growing experience. Unless you're having full on anxiety attacks, you're finding excuses.

quote:

Do people actually eat at them?
Yes, and depending on the venue, drink too.

quote:

I think Idbeso nervous Id choke
Why? It's a group of people that have a similar interests. You're not meeting the Pope or the President.

Don't make it more difficult than what it is.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/18/2013 9:58:24 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 9:56:08 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Your worst fear at most munches and play parties is boredom.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 10:32:39 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary

Is a play party like what? In my head Im envisioning an orgy,and thats definetely not for me.
Very few places allow sex and it's not a free for all. You don't have to play. You don't have to have play with anyone other than the person you're with. You can find a quiet corner and do your own thing. But, no, it's not an orgy.


quote:

Truthfully, I think Im too shy for munches.
I always think that's a cop out. Meeting new people, especially in a group, isn't easy, but I've always considered doing things like that as a growing experience. Unless you're having full on anxiety attacks, you're finding excuses.
EXCUSES BASED ON ACTUAL CONCERNS.IM REALLY TOO EMBARASSABLE YO GO UP TO AN ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE AND ADMIT SECRET FREAKINESS
quote:

Do people actually eat at them?
Yes, and depending on the venue, drink too.

quote:

I think Idbeso nervous Id choke
Why? It's a group of people that have a similar interests. You're not meeting the Pope or the President.

Don't make it more difficult than what it is.OK,BUT ITS DIFFICULT ON ITS OWN...


I WILL TRY TO ATTEND ONE.IM PRETTY DULL SO CHANCES ARE I CAN SQUEAK IN AND OUT UNNOTICED?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 10:34:55 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Good,borefom sounds safe and comfy.
Im sure noone wants to hear this, but it seemed so much safer when He was around...

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 1:26:56 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Your worst fear at most munches and play parties is boredom.

True dat.

And I dunno about what sort of play parties you folk throw, but I've been to a few where things occur that could never be done in a dungeon. Yeah, those were good parties :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 1:29:07 PM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Hmm

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 1:31:05 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And I dunno about what sort of play parties you folk throw, but I've been to a few where things occur that could never be done in a dungeon. Yeah, those were good parties :-)

Therein lies one of the big differences between public and private parties and just one of the reasons why I haven't been to a public play party in a very long time.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: submissive safety - 6/18/2013 1:34:33 PM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		? SO which is worse?

(in reply to stef)
Profile   Post #: 40
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