UllrsIshtar
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Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Focus50
quote:
ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I've never for a second denied that I know what you mean by big, nasty fights. What I said -from the beginning- is that fights like that, and especially their aftermath of lingering anger/mood/upset lasting beyond the fight (if even for only a few hours) are a dealbreaker FOR ME.
Yeah, I'm getting that from littlewonder, too. When the going gets tough, that's your cue to walk? Must be delightful to have your dom tip-toeing around ever aware that he mustn't upset you or get upset himself. My own experience of relationship fights is that they're not planned and most often you don't see it coming.
For starters I don't have a Dom in any way that's conventionally thought of. I don't owe him obedience in any way. Our relationship isn't a D/s with me as the default submissive and the accompanying roles that go with it.
That said, he doesn't need to tip-toe around every aware he mustn't upset you.
What he needs to tip-toe around with me (and I with him) the fact that he doesn't get a free pass at deliberately saying nasty and hurtful things to me, regardless of whether he's angry or not.
He's a human being, he get's angry. I'm totally cool with that. What I am NOT cool with is him using his anger as an excuse to loose control and say things that are intended to cause me to feel hurt.
Big difference.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focus50
I still am sceptical that you or the others here can literally do the "forgive and forget" double. In fact, it's hokum!
I said before, but apparently you missed it, so I'll restate it:
I don't and wouldn't 'forgive and forget' if he deliberately said nasty things to me during a fight intending to hurt me. In fact, there is no fucking way in hell that I'd forget that, let alone forgive it.
The reason I can 'forgive and forget' is because, up to date, all our fights have revolved around miscommunications. When he's hurt me during a fight, it's been a case of him either saying something more pointedly than he meant it, or me taking it worse than it was, or us both talking about completely different things and misunderstanding that.
The reason that I can 'forgive and forget' is because, once the air is cleared, and we're both on the same page again, we understand each other's intent, which means that the reason behind it isn't relevant anymore.
To given an example: I've been very busy this weekend, and very stressed due to a project I've been working on that had me physically beat. I didn't really communicate well to him exactly how tired I was, and it ended up with me crashing out 5 hours before I'd usually would have gone to bed, and me not being very talkative. He was in a cuddly mood, and I kept blocking him cause I just didn't have the energy to deal with it. So he got upset, and accused me of being bitching with him, ignoring him, and being rude.
After we talked and he understood what was going on with me, we just point blank moved on, because he understood WHY I was behaving the way I was. He expressed that he wished I had communicated better to let him know what was going on, and I apologized for not doing so, and that was that.
There was no time needed for either of us to go back into a better mood, because we both understood where the other one was coming from, and sympathized with that.
I can't imagine there being a lingering backlash of something like that (not even a grudge, just a carry over of bad emotions) because everything was talked out, and we both saw that the reason why we had been annoyed at the other one to begin with wasn't relevant.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focus50
You have a fight; passions and emotions are inflamed; things get said that are regretted later and generally you get past it, make up and move on.
No they don't.
We don't say things we regret later. It doesn't happen. Period.
When we fight, we say what's on our mind. We say what WE are feeling.
Eg. "I feel like you're ignoring me" not "you're an asshole who always ignores me", "I think you're being unreasonable because of x, y, z" not "you're an unreasonable prick who never listens to me"... and so on.
We don't attack each other, we talk about how we felt, and why, and what our perception of the other's behavior is, but we don't throw out random insults just cause we know it would 'get to' the other one.
My ex and I did that. He would often throw out in fights "you are just like your (severely mentally ill) mother!" because he KNEW it would drive me up the wall when he did. He'd do stuff like that for no other reason than that he was mad and wanted to say the worst possible thing he could to me. It had no bearing to the topic of the fight, no relevance to what caused it, and no part in finding a resolution. The only reason he'd bring it up was because he was mad and wanted to hurt me.
I NEVER forgot stuff like that, let alone forgave him for saying it. So ever fight we had would get bigger than the previous one, because every time we fought, all the resentment for the unforgiven, unforgotten passed fights would get dragged back in.
My husband and I don't fight that way. Stuff like that -punches below the belt, of for that matter, any kind of punching at all- are just completely off the table with us.
If that ever changes, I will consider my marriage over.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focus50
I think that's a rather naive prediction or position to take. You don't know what unforseen pressures are gonna effect your relationship in the future. And here's you ever ready to just walk away.... You don't think relationships can get stronger for the differences and even fights that have gone before?
I think that relationships can get stronger from their fights if the fights are actually forgiven and forgotten.
I've been in a relationship before where that wasn't the case because of the punches that both sides took to hurt each other during the fight. I noticed that it slowly poisoned the relationship, and that it caused every subsequent fight to be bigger than the previous one, because with every fight, all the old baggage would be on the table yet again.
If I find myself again in a relationship where fights becomes so filled with anger towards each other that either, or both parties, deliberately say stuff to hurt the other one, using anger as an excuse, I WILL walk away, because at that point, I think the relationship is already over.
I've been there, I've seen where it leads to, and I have no intention to go there ever again.
If I ever find myself, in a fight, saying something to my husband just because I know it will hurt him, I'll know that whatever love and respect that I have for him has already gone, and I'd assume that it's the same for him, if I ever catch him doing that sort of thing to me.
I don't accept anger as an excuse to 'say things you'll later regret' because I KNOW that it's perfectly possible to be out-of-your-mind-livid-with-absolute-rage and STILL, only say things you really mean, and still not say things you later regret. I've been there with my husband a couple times before, and I think it speaks of the bond, the love, and the respect we have for each other, that we don't ever go there, EVEN during a fight.
Having experienced that with him, and the alternative to it with my ex, I see no reason to accept anything less than what I currently have with him.
< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 7/28/2013 6:33:50 PM >
_____________________________
I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for
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RE: Do you use spanking/whipping as punishment? - 
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