quote:

ORIGINAL: Piece

A little history, first...

I'm 23yrs old and been interested in bdsm as long as far back as I can remember. I've always had conflicting feelings, because I was raised to believe that it was very important that a woman be strong and independant. Because of that, I've always been ashamed by my desires and needs.

I fought with myself for a long time before deciding that I was ready to commit to a 24/7 M/s relationship. I met a really wonderful dominant who had about 15yrs of serious, real-life experience in the Lifestyle and entered into a relationship with him. He was great, the kind of Master any sub would want. Considerate, yet strict, always concerned with my well-being, very safety-conscious, diabolically perverted, creative, plus attractive and financially stable etc.

About 6months into the relationship, I started really rebelling against his control for reasons that I don't fully understand. I think it was just my upbringing popping up. I started arguing with him a lot. He had been managing my money for me, my diet, my exercise routine, my daily schedule, etc.The decisions he made were almost always great.  My situation had improved dramatically since we had been together, but I just started getting frustrated at not being able to make my own decisions.

Long story short, I acted badly enough that he released me from his collar. We remained friends after that, but he said he simply couldn't have a slave that wouldn't do as he told them (especially when his decisions were always made with my best interest at heart.)

After the "break-up", I went through a period of really wanting to prove that I was a strong, independant woman who didn't need a man, wouldn't let a man tell her what to do,etc. I basically became a real bitch towards men in general, despereate to prove that I could make it on my own.

I tried really hard to "reform" myself. I tried to stop myself from having any bdsm-related fantasies. I'd catch myself thinking of being tied up, or flogged, or doing doggy-play or watersports, etc and I would purposefully "change the channel" in my mind to a more vanilla scenario. I felt like I had to eradicate all my "sickness" from my mind and become a normal, vanilla girl.

After a while of doing this, I just sort of lost interest in sex completely and stopped even masturbating. Dating also held no interest. I kept going out with vanilla guys but they bored me to tears and so finally I just stopped going out.

Meanwhile, my life was falling apart. I gained weight, my finances went to hell, etc. Basically, everything sort of spun out of control and I became really, really depressed.

I finally, just a few weeks ago, had a bit of a breakdown and admitted to myself that my life had been crap since my Master had left me...I came to him and explained everything that had happened and how miserable I was. I was constantly hurting and needing and feeling empty, as if there were a huge void in my life.

He told me that he'd help me out...help with my physical needs, start managing my food and exercise and such again, help me get my daily schedule organized. He said he'd seen this coming and was willing to help me get out of the hole I had dug for myself by trying to pretend I wasn't a slave at heart.

In just a few weeks, he's really turned my life around. I've lost 10lbs, I'm eating better, exercising more, feeling better all around. I'm not miserable and depressed anymore and my life feels "right" again. I feel like I have somebody who understands me now. I'm a really sick, perverted person and he's the only one I've ever met that I could discuss this with. I can tell him my most bizarre fantasies and he never judges me or thinks there's something wrong with me.

He hasn't officially re-collared me but I believe he's considering it, dependant upon my behavior this time. I think he's taking things slowly to see if I've really come to terms with who I am.

The problem is that I still feel ashamed that I've been "backsliding" into submissive behaviors. I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably. I'm sort of ashamed of the fact that I'm just not capable of running my own life.

I guess I'm posting this to ask for opinions on how to deal with these feelings. I'm caught between being SO happy that my life is in focus again and controlled and yet still feeling ashamed that I wasn't able to make it on my own.

Any advice? 

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ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress


 
reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying, it is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honest i think master  may want to become a little more involve in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated....
 
any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place....on step at a time.

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ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Define what a strong woman is for you...is it some one who does not get bossed around? ....well  you are that, you are the own that makes the decision to follow this mans commands.
 
Define what independent is for you...is it some one who makes their own decisions, takes care of themselves?.......well again you make very big and very challenging decisions every time you choose to obey him, and as far as taking care of yourself, it sounds to me you have chosen to do just that by placing your self in his capable hands
 
Is it some one who financially has achieved independence?....you can still have a job, negotiate some spending money and maybe the rest could go for college tuition or something.
 
Being a slave is way harder then doing your own thing.
 
Being a slave takes strength, grace courage, your own mind, your own heart....it is the hardest path one can choose to be quite honest in a relationship.
 
Perhaps you'll go slower this time, communicating your thoughts and feeling into a journal and to him as you go along....
 
Ill be honest this path is not for the faint of heart no matter how it may look to an outsider, you have lived it and you know this in your heart.
 
Now the problems arise in public, that is where you feel a searing burn of shame, almost like you are a child, and that is a challenge to be sure, but it is a mountain you can climb together, maybe you could reinvent that warm flush or painful burn as the fire, the eternal flame of your relationship and begin to welcome it...
 
Reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying.
It is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honesty i think your master  may want to become a little more involved in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated in to your being.
 
Any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place at his feet....one shackled step at a time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LokisBrat

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress


 
reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying, it is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honest i think master  may want to become a little more involve in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated....
 
any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place....on step at a time.

I just wanted to say that this particular point resonated with me very deeply. Thank you.

Brat

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ORIGINAL: Piece

Thank you for your great post, CrouchingTigress...For me, I guess a "strong" woman is one that can manage her own life without assistance. Obviously though, I'm not very good at that.  Maybe you're right...maybe by making the decision to turn things over to him, I'm showing that I CAN take care of myself. If giving him control makes my life better, then that must mean I've made the right decision.

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place at his feet....one shackled step at a time.

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ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead

Dear Piece,
I can relate to some of the things that wrote about.  I grew up in a traditional, Christian home, very loving, and very vanilla.  I discovered my desires for "twisted" things in high school, but they were still pretty mild compared to the things that I find fascinating now.  I struggled with how I was raised and the things that interested me and still do at times. 

I went to a liberal arts college, very much geared to "empowering womanhood," etc., and I kind of developed a chip on my shoulder against men having anything of value to offer, although I wanted so badly to find one who could prove me wrong.  I was married to a man whom I was able to "boss around" and control, though he was a manly guy.  His deferring things to me so often (at first) inflated my ego, and made me feel powerful.  After a few years went by and having kids, this same behavior wore me out mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I grew more and more resentful of him and the behavior.  I got infuriated when things were "dumped in my lap" because I felt that I was the only adult acting in the relationship.  However, I also felt that the feelings that I was having ran counter to the strong, independent, woman, mother, employee, whatever that I was.  If I hated being in control, that must mean that I was weak, right?  That battle bounced around my head for years.  It sucked to live in my mind.

When I met Daddy, our first conversation was, in part, about me telling Him how I wished I could find a man who I could respect enough to yield control to, and defer things to, with confidence that he wouldn't screw things up as a result.  Funny, I didn't know about bdsm at that time, didn't know what kind of man Daddy was, and had no idea that my "submissive confessions" were lighting a spark that would become the fire that lights O/our relationship to this day.

During that same conversation, Daddy asked me why I thought that submission meant "weak."  I didn't know why, only that I always figured that if you weren't steering the ship and controlling things with an iron fist, that meant you were a weak, wimpy person.  He told me that some of the strongest women He knew were submissive in their relationships and their home lives, but were the pillars of strength to the family unit and in the rest of their lives.  That took me a while to wrap my head around, but I finally got it.  Knowing your limits and capabilities is a huge part of creating a life that is healthy and satisfying.  Trying to do things that are constantly beyond your means and that make you feel as though you are not being true to yourself is draining to your mind, body, and spirit... it can also lead to a huge bout of depression as you are constantly setting yourself up for failure.  I know this from personal experience.

I, too, tried to break away from who I am at heart and also from Daddy at one point, and felt so miserable and so incomplete that I knew that I had betrayed myself at my core.  I was fortunate enough that Daddy understood that I was having a "crisis of self" and that I just needed to see if I could break away and be content.  I couldn't and I had to tell Him so.  He didn't hold this over me like a trophy, or an "I told you so" moment... He was there to help me back to my feet and hold me close.  Like a prodigal, I came back to what felt right in my heart, and Daddy was there with open arms to take me in and make me feel protected and safe.  Remember, submissive does not mean the same thing as weak.  Strength and submission can peacefully dwell in the same soul, as long as the soul does not create a hostile atmosphere for them to live in, by setting them against one another.  Be strong, know your points of greatness, know your limits, embrace your submission, and love the One who will inspire you to even greater things by helping you love yourself.