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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 8:46:20 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		For some of us this Dom/sub thing is not a game. But we still have partners who love us and wants what's best for us, and we still have a negotiated relationship. As a mentally ill person, I would never be with someone who demanded things that were not best for my mental health, like limiting my social life. Being social is healthy and good for me.

I've mostly had relationships with men who do anal a bit like our bf, but not quite as bad. Like not using enough lube, or not being willing to enter me with fingers lubed to loosen me up. As a result, we had no anal. I would love to try anal with a Dom patient enough to do it right.

The message here, you have rights. Did he allow yyou to have friends over before he told you he was your 'Master'? Then why would they be limited now?

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(in reply to dollenburg)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 9:23:44 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Well he already has total control ( ie: who I should talk, or im not allowed to have friends over, or housework is 100% on me (im a clean freak so that part is fine :P) ). The reason I posted this question was to see how it works for others. Now that he agreed to talk things over I'm hoping to revoke some of his privileges lol




When I realized being in a relationship where he had total control of my paycheck was bad for me, I told him I was taking that back and to let me know what my share of the bills were.

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 9:38:19 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

No, it's not a game for all of us. It may be for you...and that's fine if it is. What's not fine is trying to stuff everyone else into the pigeonhole with you.

Now back to the OP. Everyone has already illustrated my point for me. There are different levels of control. TPE is great if people can do it, but not everyone is cut out for it. There is also a VAST difference between TPE as part of a dynamic where BOTH people involved consent to it (like OsideGirl, Des, LW, myotherself, and Jeff/Carol) and a situation where someone is in a relationship with someone who just begins to control every aspect of their life. In the first, people made a choice. In the second, the person wasn't given a choice and it was just forced on them. Could be because of manipulation, could be because the one partner uses the love the other has for them as a weapon to control them, could also be because the partner beats the living shit out of them in an abusive way if they don't get their way. See where the difference is? There is a line between lifestyle and an abusive relationship. Sadly some might use lifestyle as an excuse to be abusive.

Not all TPE is healthy. But it's not all unhealthy either. It really depends on whether both people had the chance to get on board willingly.

(in reply to dollenburg)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 9:47:12 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		And no, him announcing we will never eat Brussel sprouts again is not a game. Neither is him deciding he are going to babysit for his grandson every morning. Nor him deciding that instead of playing, he should do car repairs while I hand him sockets.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 10:58:23 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		It is different for everyone. We are but he doesn't micromanage me. Even if he wanted to he doesn't have the time, but he is the one in charge. When it comes to the kids, food and housework I just do it. But when our 8 year old wanted her ears pierced he said no. End of discussion, she can beg me all she wants but he said no. He says she is too young and irresponsible to take care of piercings. I may agree or disagree but that is not the point. I have friends that would not have even asked, and think it's weird that I asked my husband instead of just taking her.

It's not all serious and woman do as you're told either. Our marriage is not a game though. When he gives me a list of things that needs to get done he means it and he is not playing a game. When something happens with our daughter and he steps in and says she may no longer go to whatever place, he means it. I suppose I could think it was just a game and go off on my own and do as I please, but he would not see that as funny at all. I would never do anything like that since it would hurt our marriage.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:11:13 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I didnt mean it as a game. I was hoping for a revision but I would never go off and do my own thing. If he says no on a subject it's end of discussion. For instance , I'm currently looking for a job. If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/8/2013 11:19:57 AM >

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(in reply to Moonlightmaddnes)
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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:25:11 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked


You've got to be kidding. You wouldn't ask questions of someone making life altering decisions for You?




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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:27:07 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		We will discuss but if his final decision is no ..then no...
ETA: I'm pretty sure he won't say no for no reason.

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/8/2013 11:28:25 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:30:20 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

We will discuss but if his final decision is no ..then no...
ETA: I'm pretty sure he won't say no for no reason.


Just pretty sure, huh?

Allow me to point out the foolishness of allowing a relationship that most likely will end to control your career path and ability to support yourself.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/8/2013 11:32:10 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:32:31 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

We will discuss but if his final decision is no ..then no...
ETA: I'm pretty sure he won't say no for no reason.


Just pretty sure, huh?



I don't know what you mean. I have not been in this situation yet ( still no job offer !) so I cant say based on my previous experience

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:37:34 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked


You've got to be kidding. You wouldn't ask questions of someone making life altering decisions for You?

It's little gems like this that Sheela comes up with that severely make me shake my head.

I know it's different for everyone but things like this are pretty much non-negotiable surely??
I could understand if he was a billionaire and he was catering for every whim but that's not what I get from Sheela.
What I'm getting is that her daddy is a domineering asshat that is slowly but surely cutting her off from the outside world to the extent that she will have to rely on him completely.
And to me, that isn't good - not given his past performances.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:38:07 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked


If Master ever told me no in regards to a job offer, he better have a pretty damn good reason for it...and we are engaged to be married. Any man who is going to fuck with your finances better have YOUR best interests in mind instead of making sure his dick can keep getting wet.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:40:25 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

We will discuss but if his final decision is no ..then no...
ETA: I'm pretty sure he won't say no for no reason.


Just pretty sure, huh?



I don't know what you mean. I have not been in this situation yet ( still no job offer !) so I cant say based on my previous experience



The fact that you're not sure that he wouldn't say no on a whim.....says a lot about him and your relationship.

I can be absolutely positive that Master doesn't say no just because he can, when it comes to life altering decisions.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:44:27 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		oh my.. I don't have a job offer yet..he hasn't said no yet.. plus, he would never say no without any good reason
NO, he is NOT my sugar daddy. He is not even rich and I will pay for my own expenses as soon as I find a job. He is only helping me temporary. I'm pretty sure he would prefer me getting a job and start contributing rather than saying no for no reason

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 11:54:39 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

oh my.. I don't have a job offer yet..he hasn't said no yet.. plus, he would never say no without any good reason
NO, he is NOT my sugar daddy. He is not even rich and I will pay for my own expenses as soon as I find a job. He is only helping me temporary. I'm pretty sure he would prefer me getting a job and start contributing rather than saying no for no reason

I never said he was a sugar daddy - just a domineering asshat daddy.
And from your responses, you haven't much of an idea how he is going to react.
Even to the extent that you said you wouldn't take a job offer if he said no.
If that was the case - how the hell are you going to pay your way. Huh??
If someone is going to that extreme in control, he'd better have the means to support you and from what I've read on your posts, he can't.
He wants to exercise all the control he can from you so he's got you hanging on the end of his cock.
As Oside has said a few times already - your explanations/excuses are that of a typical abused person.

Given your other thread, I would say this 'person' (I won't insult the Doms, guys or men by calling him such) is not a good influence for you for a number of reasons that several have already said.



(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:07:35 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
plus, he would never say no without any good reason

You just contradicted yourself.

I'll tell you flat out. I'm in a TPE relationship and we've been married for 13 years. He would never, never try to control my job/career situation. He is a strong enough person to know that when it comes to my career field, that I know far more about it than he does....so he leaves the decision up to the expert.

You're leaving your future career path in the hands of someone just because he says so.

You're being foolish.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:08:42 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked

Did you guys explicitly discuss giving him veto power over your job offers last month when you had this conversation:

About a month ago he told me that he enjoys bdsm and wants me be to be his sub and stuff.

This may seem unrelated, but bear with me - have you read "50 Shades of Grey?"

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Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:14:35 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You have a bunch of people, some out on the extreme edge of TPE telling you the situation is fucked up and you just hum and skip on your merry way, ignoring what the people who live this have to say.


It's kinda like when Ozzy Osborne tells you that you have a drug problem....you should probably pay attention

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:35:18 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked

Did you guys explicitly discuss giving him veto power over your job offers last month when you had this conversation:

About a month ago he told me that he enjoys bdsm and wants me be to be his sub and stuff.

This may seem unrelated, but bear with me - have you read "50 Shades of Grey?"


No actually I haven't read. We didn't discuss the job but when he told me he likes to be in charge of decisions i agreed. That's why I dont understand the whole "victim'..."abuse" thing when I allowing him to have control over me

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/8/2013 12:44:33 PM >

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(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:38:41 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

You have a bunch of people, some out on the extreme edge of TPE telling you the situation is fucked up and you just hum and skip on your merry way, ignoring what the people who live this have to say.


It's kinda like when Ozzy Osborne tells you that you have a drug problem....you should probably pay attention


I'm not ignoring but as I said before now that he agreed to communicate more I wanna make it work . I even told him if things don't get better by September Im moving back

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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