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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:48:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

You have a bunch of people, some out on the extreme edge of TPE telling you the situation is fucked up and you just hum and skip on your merry way, ignoring what the people who live this have to say.


It's kinda like when Ozzy Osborne tells you that you have a drug problem....you should probably pay attention


I'm not ignoring but as I said before now that he agreed to communicate more I wanna make it work . I even told him if things don't get better by September Im moving back


Yeah, you are because him agreeing to communicate isn't going to solve the issue that you've set up absolutely no guidelines about your relationship.

You've either thrown common sense out the window about allowing him to make the decision about your job or you're afraid to tell him that is an area where his power shouldn't extend to. Either one isn't good.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:08:19 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I don't know ... All I know is I haven't heard back from any of the places I applied and its very frustrating . I should stop planning about future and take it one day at a time

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/8/2013 1:09:34 PM >

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:19:46 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I don't know ...

I do. We just had a male dom ask about getting started. As is usually true the landslide advice is "go slow". Look, I'd been married to carol a long time before I collared her and we STILL went slow.

So now that you've agreed to talk more that's great. First conversation you should have is get together a list of stuff you are truly, truly, totally comfortable with him controlling.... stuff that's really kind of meaningless is the best... think... "What are having for dinner tonight?" That's where I started. That allowed Carol to see first-hand whether I was a credible leader or not. It allowed trust to build in this new area of our marriage at it's own pace. Honesty, I crept forward so slowly that it didn't really get scary until we got right to the very edge of the internal enslavement cliff and had to decide whether to leap or walk away.

I'd advise thinking of TPE as a journey more than a goal because it is. You'll never "get there". You will never have "total trust", "total respect", "total authority" or any other "total". Human reality doesn't work with absolutes very well. Absolutes are for mathematicians. But what you can do is set your sights on that distant shore and navigate towards it as best your able. It's treacherous waters even when you have a LOT more foundation than you two have. Navigate slowly and carefully.

Part of what freaks me out about this guy is that he's pretty much demonstrated that he's not slow & careful and now he wants to do TPE??? Out of curiosity, would you still be his girlfriend if you said, "I don't want to do it. 50/50 or bust." If not, then you can't trust him with total authority. He's bait & switched you here... started out vanilla and suddenly BDSM and now TPE (for crying out loud). I'm not worried about the "bait & switch" itself... I did the same to Carol. It's the WAY it's done which is key.

Carol would absolutely be my wife if she said "I don't want to obey anymore." She'd absolutely be my wife if she said, "I want to be in charge and you should submit." SHE is more important to me than any particular flavor of relationship with her... by far.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:25:06 PM   
deliriuminabox


Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline 		Sheela, do you understand that people here are genuinely concerned for your safety? I read more than I post but something I've noticed is that there is a lot of respect around here for established relationships. No one has anything to gain by telling you to get away from the man you're with but from what I've read, you have a great deal to lose by staying with him.

Yes, there have been some snide remarks and outright attacks against you--This is the internet and people often show the worst sides of themselves online--But for the most part, it seems that you're being given consistent and good advice. Leave him. At the very least, distance yourself and set yourself up so you're *NOT* dependent on him. Take back some of the power and control in your life.

Why do you suppose a bunch of strangers from the internet are all telling you the same thing when they have absolutely nothing to gain if you listen to them? Its not as if any of them are waiting for your man to be single so they can jump in there and be his new pet.

Maybe .... Just maybe ... Some of these older and more experienced people are telling you all this because they've seen how this plays out and they're trying to save you a truck load of hurt in the end. Your "dom" acts like a spoiled child more than a grown man. I don't think you're stupid or weak but I do think you're overcompensating for HIM and you're too prideful to get out of your own way right now. I think you've been stripped of your support system (if you ever had one) and you're lonely and you're overwhelmed. I think you're in a very unhealthy spot but its up to you to get out of it. I also think you can do it and if you decide later on that you do want to try a D/s or BDSM relationship, you can use this as a good example of what you DON'T want to experience ever again.

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:34:40 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Jeff, that was a great post.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:39:03 PM   
deliriuminabox


Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline 		I agree. That was an awesome post, Jeff. And something I admitedly hadn't considered .... Does the relationship end if the power exchange aspect ends?

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:39:42 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
...We didn't discuss the job but when he told me he likes to be in charge of decisions i agreed. That's why I dont understand the whole "victim'..."abuse" thing when I allowing him to have control over me

Try re-reading your very first post in this thread.

It was pretty obvious to a lot of us here that you were ordered by your daddy dom to accept something that you didn't like.
Not only that, but you told him so and he threw a tantrum to make you feel guilty about it.
You have been told by several people on here (and by some who are actually qualified to make such judgement calls) that what you are experiencing is typical abuser/abused scenario and that you need to wake up and smell the coffee before you come to any real harm.

That fact that you are still making up excuses and reasons for both yours and his behaviour is just typical.

No matter what people tell you or make suggestions, you just side-step the issue and come up with something else as if nothing was said.
I am going to say no more on the subject.
I'm done with it.

In simple English that even an American can understand -
When you find the shit and step in it, don't come back to me and tell me it stinks.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:42:32 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

That's why I dont understand the whole "victim'..."abuse" thing when I allowing him to have control over me


I allowed my ex to have financial control over me and when I realized that he was abusing this privilege I took back control.

I'm concerned about your lack of critical thinking about how your man has (ab)used his power.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:44:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Is he going to give you the money so you can move back? Do you have the price of a ticket home? Because all he has to do is refuse to give you the money and then you're stuck.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 1:48:31 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox
I agree. That was an awesome post, Jeff. And something I admitedly hadn't considered .... Does the relationship end if the power exchange aspect ends?

I understand that for some people the power exchange is a pillar of their relationships. So just like love for me, if you pull that leg out then the whole mess comes toppling down. I just want to be clear that I have no issue with that.

But the fact that this started vanilla and then there was a course change is not that situation. In this situation I would say that if some sort of dynamic is more important than she is herself and he didn't mention that up front then he's lied to her in a fairly serious way.

For Carol and I (not for anyone else) the truth of our relationship is written under our nicknames here. I am for her. She is for me. Everything else is simply window dressing. As Merc put it once... "We are both slaves to the marriage."

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to deliriuminabox)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 2:54:26 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I didnt mean it as a game. I was hoping for a revision but I would never go off and do my own thing. If he says no on a subject it's end of discussion. For instance , I'm currently looking for a job. If I get a job offer but he says no I will decline the job offer ..no questions asked



That still would depend, honestly. How long have you been together? For someone you met months ago and barely know, then no. But my husband has made it very clear he wants me home, but we have three children, two of are very young. We had a car blow up and had to buy a new one, had to have the sewer redone, had to have an exterminator out when he spotted some termites in the garage so as you can imagine the bills were flowing in with no new money. I offered to get a job. He said absolutely not, screw the extra money. He wants his children at home with their mother. Ok, end of discussion. You have to know though we have been married for 20 years and and we are very much in love. He is not some guy I just met 6 weeks ago who is now saying my woman won't work.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 3:37:48 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I don't know ... All I know is I haven't heard back from any of the places I applied and its very frustrating . I should stop planning about future and take it one day at a time



Yes, that's the answer, just take it one day at a time with no plans for the future until you're into a hole so far you can't see the way out. Come on, do you honestly think that a human being can and should do nothing to enable it's survival? When I was your age I eventually supported myself and a baby on my own with a man in the background as useless as yours is. Does this man you're with have enough money to support you, and are you positive beyond a doubt that he would? What are you going to do if you have nothing and the only source of your survival was him? When I depended on my useless POS boyfriend back then I almost starved while he spent the money we had on beer. Fuckwad. Our son was never in danger, I took every penny I had, hid it, and made sure he was well fed and taken care of.

We've had stories on threads here about submissives being tossed out from their homes by the men that they loved with nothing. Many of us have personal stories in the same vein. You don't depend on others Sheela, that gets you into trouble. Even if the other person loves you madly, is family, or has some other tie to you...it's never a good idea to be at someone's mercy because people do strange things, lose their money, or get sick. Life happens, prepare yourself for the unexpected.

Go try some more to get a job. If you must, give him part of your wages for your upkeep, although you doing all the housework and being his anytime fuck is certainly worth a discount - if he wants you to share financial things 50/50 then make sure he gets a corresponding amount of housework and that your legs being open aren't a given. If he wants to play he needs to pay, you're just giving away everything you have of value. He's certainly not giving you much in return, especially if you'll be supporting part of the household expenses. What did he do before you were there? I'm assuming he supported himself well enough, come on, how much money do you really think you're racking up in living expenses?

Put the rest of your money that isn't needed immediately for your share of expenses into an account that has only your name on it. Go ahead and try to make things better with him, but as you can see, no one here sees that happening...strange isn't that?

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 3:58:43 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

All Ill say on the subject is that talk is cheap. The real value will be in his actions, not the words he spews from his word hole. Don't take the word as gospel truth. Observe the actions because its the actions that are going to make or break things. I speak from personal experience on this and I've got no stake in the outcome...other than not wanting to see you waste the same time I did on "the cycle."

What's "the cycle" you might ask? It's the classic hallmark of a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Yes, even smart women get caught up in it sometimes...

1) Partner does/says something to hurt you
2) You reach the point of being done with this shit and get ready to get gone
3) Partner cries, begs you not to leave, promises to change, swears they will be different
4) Things go well
5) Things going well alleviates the pressure and the threat to leave becomes a distant memory
6) Partner starts reverting to familiar behavior...prompting the feeling of déjà vu. Weren't we just here not too long ago?
7) Hit step (1) and start the process all over again

(in reply to Moonlightmaddnes)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 4:42:20 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sheela - all I have to say about this thread is that when you get a job, set it up so that some of the money goes straight into a bank account that he has no access to.
Everyone needs an emergency fund.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 5:52:02 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Sheela - all I have to say about this thread is that when you get a job, set it up so that some of the money goes straight into a bank account that he has no access to.
Everyone needs an emergency fund.

protip

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 6:13:29 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?


Only if that's what they've agreed to while negotiating the relationship. A majority of subs do NOT agree to that and a very large percentage of doms don't want it.

There is no "BDSM Bible" stating the rules that everybody must follow. Your BDSM is YOURS, just any dom's is HIS. If he wants things that are unacceptable to you, you have EVERY right to not accept them.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 6:17:20 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
A majority of subs do NOT agree to that and a very large percentage of doms don't want it.

I'd like to underscore this point.

It's hardly like I'm an experienced member of the community but honestly I'd put the number of TPE couples at about 5% and the number who are ACTUALLY TPE at quite a bit less and the number who make that work quite a bit less again. Carol and I have always been odd couple out everywhere except MAsT meetings.

The vast majority of folks seem to like top/bottom with some sprinkling of D/s thrown in.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 6:47:16 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

What's "the cycle" you might ask? It's the classic hallmark of a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Yes, even smart women get caught up in it sometimes...

1) Partner does/says something to hurt you
2) You reach the point of being done with this shit and get ready to get gone
3) Partner cries, begs you not to leave, promises to change, swears they will be different
4) Things go well
5) Things going well alleviates the pressure and the threat to leave becomes a distant memory
6) Partner starts reverting to familiar behavior...prompting the feeling of déjà vu. Weren't we just here not too long ago?
7) Hit step (1) and start the process all over again


Oh boy have I been there!

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 6:58:53 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Same here. It sucks when the heart goes all gooey for someone. It clouds up your vision, so you put up with way more shit from them than you would put up with from a stranger treating you the same way.

...until that part of you who is chanting in a tiny voice in the background of your mind "you deserve better" hopefully becomes as loud as the roar of a lion and you finally walk away because you truly believe you deserve better.

...the ones that break my heart are the ones who don't get the chance to hear that lion roar because their partner ended up killing them

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/8/2013 7:15:58 PM >

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 7:02:46 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		I see some good, grounded, practical advice here... even if some of them are a bit harsh... it's still good.

Strange, isn't it... that the people here are as old as your boyfriend... yet they appear much more mature, wiser... hmm...

< Message edited by JustAMas -- 8/8/2013 7:03:12 PM >

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 60
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