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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 7:05:29 PM   
BamaD


Posts: 20687
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		Power corrupts absolute power corrupts absolutely.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 8:23:35 PM   
JeffBC


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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BamaD
Power corrupts absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Not exactly. In fact that is probably my biggest reward from TPE. As you suggest power tends to corrupt. So absolute power provides a way for me to measure myself.... a high bar to jump as it were. There wouldn't be much other reason for me to bother.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 8:41:07 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		No it's true, and you are no exception. That's why we have democracy... and not enlightened despotism.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 9:09:54 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustAMas
No it's true, and you are no exception. That's why we have democracy... and not enlightened despotism.

Well then there's a few very happy slaves in deep IE relationships you probably need to rescue. You can start right out with Carol. I'm sure she'd love to be rescued from my corrupted grasp. Actually, she'd hate it but I personally think such conversations are fun.

Seriously dude? You are seriously going to suggest that the deep end of the authority pool is automatically bad?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 3:32:38 AM   
AaNiMaLl


Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		The conversation for us was two or three sentences. Myself: we should discuss the nature of our power relationship. Her: I like it fine the way that it is. And so I simply control everything. However, I listen to her because she is super intelligent (3 languages, multiple degrees and a Masters). ...I think that sex and love are the satiation of psychological drives. The same things that drive us in these aspects are also present in our normal lives. Imagination, social acceptance, self esteem, self destruction etc. Therefore, if people seek something in the bedroom then why not seek it in everyday life as well.

I was just thinking about the power corrupting thing. The most famous experiments for this would be The Stanford Experiment and Milgram experiments right? In The Evil that Men Do. These experiments were taken as examples that power corrupts. But I think that I agree with Nietzsche in terms that in man is equally the will to do great evil and good, and both are the same. That is, there is neither good or evil but either creation or destruction.

< Message edited by AaNiMaLl -- 8/9/2013 3:41:30 AM >

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 3:44:07 AM   
metamorfosis


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JustAMas
No it's true, and you are no exception. That's why we have democracy... and not enlightened despotism.


In that case, why did George Washington refuse the Kingship?


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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 3:45:48 AM   
metamorfosis


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Seriously dude? You are seriously going to suggest that the deep end of the authority pool is automatically bad?


Not automatically. Just 99.9% of the time.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 6:39:04 AM   
JustAMas


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Joined: 8/3/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis

In that case, why did George Washington refuse the Kingship?


What do you mean, are you agreeing with it? If not... then because he thought that democracy would ultimately be a better way to govern a society, than a monarchy?

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 8:01:35 AM   
JeffBC


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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis
Not automatically. Just 99.9% of the time.

My point exactly. It is a high bar to measure up to. I certainly agree that any slave who enters into an IE arrangement with someone they don't know very, very well either means something vastly different by "internal enslavement" than I do or is a fool. TPE is a lot less dangerous in my opinion since it lacks the truly binding part.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:06:24 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I didn't know where to post this but I really need to share :P I JUST got a job offer. I'll be a substitute teacher :D

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:10:12 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I didn't know where to post this but I really need to share :P I JUST got a job offer. I'll be a substitute teacher :D


Congrats! As well as my sympathies.

(Check out the "I admit" thread in the Casual Banter section for the thread to post general personal news.)

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:37:02 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I didn't know where to post this but I really need to share :P I JUST got a job offer. I'll be a substitute teacher :D

YAY! That ought to be good for you and he both. Financial pressure never adds anything good to any relationship.

That all being said, you do remember our strong advice to make sure at least some (preferably all but reasonable living expenses) stays in your hands. Trust me on this... trusting someone with your life sounds all romantic and sexy... right up until the moment that trust is tested and it turns out to be misplaced. You two are young. You have years and years to build up strong and sweeping dynamic.

My own motto for myself applies to you two also: Go slow. There's a ton of rewards for doing the job right and absolutely nothing for doing it fast.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:42:53 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
You two are young.
He's in his mid 40s.


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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:43:56 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BamaD

Power corrupts absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Ahhh, but with great power comes great responsibility

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:47:05 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I didn't know where to post this but I really need to share :P I JUST got a job offer. I'll be a substitute teacher :D

YAY! That ought to be good for you and he both. Financial pressure never adds anything good to any relationship.

That all being said, you do remember our strong advice to make sure at least some (preferably all but reasonable living expenses) stays in your hands. Trust me on this... trusting someone with your life sounds all romantic and sexy... right up until the moment that trust is tested and it turns out to be misplaced. You two are young. You have years and years to build up strong and sweeping dynamic.

My own motto for myself applies to you two also: Go slow. There's a ton of rewards for doing the job right and absolutely nothing for doing it fast.

Thanks. I'm so happy. I'm sure he will be happy since I can now start contributing lol I try to save as much as I can. I'm not a big spender anyways.

ETA: Yes he is in his mid 40's

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/9/2013 1:48:27 PM >

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 1:49:43 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
You two are young.
He's in his mid 40s.

I knew that. I tend to think in terms of "till death do you part" which means "40's" allows for decades of time still -- "young". I hold the same viewpoint of myself in the same age bracket.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 3:35:50 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Sheela - all I have to say about this thread is that when you get a job, set it up so that some of the money goes straight into a bank account that he has no access to.
Everyone needs an emergency fund.

protip



lol - I wish like hell I had done this when I was unhappily married. It would have made the after so much easier.....

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 7:50:58 PM   
VanillaKinkTwist


Posts: 17
Joined: 7/24/2013
From: Under Your Bed, Michigan
Status: offline 		I have to agree from reading your posts that your situation does sound like an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt enough to say he may just be ignorant and not stupid. Not knowing any better is a bit different than knowing better and doing it anyway.... I also don't know either one of you so really it's just assumptions based off your posts so for me to absolutely 100% say you're in an abusive relationship could be false.

First impressions are made within the first six second of meeting someone. They can be wrong but generally I go with my gut feeling with people. For instance, I met someone who seemed great, right? He gave me those warm fuzzies, ya know, and made me feel good....and then he would be an ass. He did have several points about me...but there were too many negative things in there for me to stick with getting to know him and building a relationship. I may be like a puppy and I may be one of those people who are passive aggressive and try to find the good in people while down playing the bad but I'm not completely stupid.

He was gorgeous, had money and made me feel great and seemed concerned about me however he didn't want me talking to other dominants (ok I get that), stressed how private he was (ok again understandable that he doesn't want someone to take advantage of the fact he does have money), didn't want us to google each other because he wanted us to get to know each other like normal people, and didn't seem to want to meet my family (since we only knew each other a couple weeks I understood). Add all those together though and it starts looking fishy. It's understandable not wanting to meet someone's family when you're first getting to know them but he gave the impression of not ever wanting to. Even if cutting off communication was not a sign of a unhealthy relationship I am a family oriented person. Now that doesn't mean I want my family into every aspect of my life but in terms of a relationship it does mean you get to meet them at some point. It's likely that you'll get introduced as my boyfriend as my family is not aware (to my knowledge) that I am kinky and they really don't need to know. He tore down my last relationship and down-played the fact that he was basically bad-mouthing someone and something he didn't know by complimenting me at the same time.

He'd make comments that were like sugar laced poison...something that would make me feel like shit and tack on something that would make it more acceptable.

The bottom line? He may have had money, he may have been really good at sex, he may have had a gorgeous body but I value myself more than I value what he could give me. Strangely enough even though he tripped all my little warning flags, he left me more confident in myself...or perhaps not so strange since I did walk away. I still say hello from time to time, I really do try to see the good in people, but I won't have a relationship with him.

Value yourself enough to be assertive and stand up for yourself and your beliefs. It's not always easy but it's worth it.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 7:57:45 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

I certainly agree that any slave who enters into an IE arrangement with someone they don't know very, very well either means something vastly different by "internal enslavement" than I do or is a fool. TPE is a lot less dangerous in my opinion since it lacks the truly binding part.


Jeff,
I don't think some could successfully achieve IE without knowing their partner very, very well. I suppose I could be wrong and someone might manage it, but I don't see how.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to VanillaKinkTwist)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/9/2013 8:35:43 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
I don't think some could successfully achieve IE without knowing their partner very, very well. I suppose I could be wrong and someone might manage it, but I don't see how.

Man, now THAT was an interesting question... REALLY interesting.

For starters, I don't believe in instant IE at all so you're surely not going to just walk up to someone and snap your fingers and then *presto*. In addition, there is this question of what exactly do we mean by "IE". I'm not sure I mean the same thing by that as others do. But still, even the BDSM version is still pretty dramatic so we can go from there.

So what I did was think about what if I had met Carol back in the day but I knew everything I know now about how to "enslave" a submissive personality. I think I could've done it pretty damned quickly with her starting from totally vanilla. Hell, 90% of the trip was automatic and happened in the first sentence. But that last 10% and especially that last 1% are real doozies. If you want my rough guess... riding high on all the newlywed feelings and starting from totally vanilla Carol ... 3 months for the BDSM version of "IE" and 9 months for mine -- from the time we started cohabiting. The long distance part doesn't count. So however well I would've known her in 3 or 9 months.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I CONSIDER DOING SUCH A THING. That was a theoretical exercise only. In actuality I would see that much like rape but a lot worse.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/9/2013 8:37:51 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 80
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